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With tears in my eyes, I unlocked the door. The darkness subsides as the light from the apartment hallway beams into it. I don’t step into the apartment. The lavender scent doesn’t even smell like lavender anymore. The walls don’t feel safe anymore; they are filled with lies and it makes me nauseous. The kitchen light turns on as he appears from the hallway. He looked like he had just woken up; he didn’t even have his glasses on. I look at him... and I don't recognize him.
I don’t recognize the boy that I fell in love with. I don’t see the boy that made me smile when he made my soup when I was sick. I don’t see the boy that was the only male that made me feel safe, that told me that everything was going to be okay . The one that held my hair back when I was throwing up and carried me home when I sprained my ankle.
"Are you coming in?" he asks. I just blink at him. How long would he have waited to tell me? Would he not even tell me? Would he just leave? without even a call or a text? Will I wake up one day and he won’t be there? I imagine it. I imagine myself staring at his side of the bed. I imagine my hopes being high. As the sun starts to set, I realize that he won’t come back. I’ll get ready for bed and stare at the empty bed.
I feel a tear go down my cheek as my thoughts subside. I hear Suki call out. My body nearly tumbles as I register that he was calling out for me. Everything in my grasp falls, my phone, my bag, and my water bottle. I hear a rush coming towards me. "Hey? What’s wrong? " He holds my upper arm and pulls me towards him. "Are you okay?" What happened?"
I was a mess. I couldn't control my breathing. I bit down on my lip to keep from letting my sobs out. "Hey, hey." I hear the door close as he holds me closer to his chest. I don't struggle as much as I'm upset with him. I need him. I felt his grasp on me tighten. He holds me; his hands go up and down my back.
I feel myself soaking into his black t-shirt. I broke into sobs. The heat from my unsteady breath overwhelms me more. I grip onto his shirt, pressing myself into his chest. "It’s okay, you’re okay." It’s okay . I inhale, trying to settle myself, but I choke on my breath. It breaks me as I’m whaling at this point.
His grip on me becomes more concerning. He's holding onto me, waiting for me to steady myself. I looked up at him, my eyes filled with tears still. His hold on me still remains consistent. He takes one of his hands and wipes off my cheeks. It doesn’t help; more tears run down my face. He opens his mouth to try and comfort me.
"I don’t want to lose you. Please- please don't leave me," I say. He looks at me puzzled. "What-what are you talking about?" I sniff, slightly clearing my throat."Why didn’t you tell me? Why were you going to leave without telling me? I don’t want—I don’t want to be alone. " He holds my face and I face his hazel eyes once again.
"Who told you?" he asks. "People have been saying—that" I hiccupped. He soothes my back. "It’s okay. Just breathe. You’re okay." it’s okay . I huff a small breath. "I heard– I think it was Riseki–" my voice fumbles, breaking again. "Shh, it's okay, you're okay," it's okay . He continued his actions, holding me. His hand ran through my hair, "I'm not leaving you, it’s only for a couple of months." I sniffle loudly, "He said there—there’s a possibility other offers might come up and you’ll stay," I whispered. He listens tentatively. "I—I would’ve gone. I want to stay with you. I don’t want you to leave me," he squeezes me. His face turned pink, and my eyes started to burn.
“I’m never leaving you, okay? I’ll never leave you” he responds I press myself into him. "We’ll figure it out, okay? I promise” I hiccup again. I hear him continuing to comfort me. It overwhelms me. The sinking feeling comes back to me. Through tears, I nod. My body is exhausted, my eyes still burn, and everything feels muffled. The state of our relationship is uncertain as he holds me.