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Between a Rock and a Hard Place
The crisp air bristled through the trees. Sirius turned and gave a soft smile to Lily. This wasn’t the first mission the two had been paired up on. Despite closer relations with other members of the order, Sirius and Lily worked well and efficiently together. That must’ve been Dumbledore’s reasoning for sending them out tonight, right?
The goal was simple, sniff out any presence of Death Eater activity in the neighborhood and stay in the shadows. Truly, Sirius planned on staying hidden. Sure he could be impulsive at times, but he knew the danger he would also put Lily in if he was reckless. He could not put Lily Potter in danger.
“How’re you feeling?” Sirius could tell that Lily was already starting to get fatigued from the sneaking around. The woman was seven months pregnant and refused to take a break or take a step back in her duty to the Order. Sirius thought she must’ve been a superhero, the fact that she still acted like nothing had changed constantly put the other members of the Order in awe.
“I swear, one day this war is gonna be the death of me.” Lily chuckled up at him. “Too bad since I know you just couldn’t survive without me.” Her bright green eyes met his as she smirked. That little witch.
“Oi! I would get on just fine without you, you impossible hag!” Sirius teased back. “You forget that I only keep you around since that’s my best mate's kid you’ve got cooking in your little oven there.”
“Oh, yes. How foolish of me to forget about the best love story this generation has ever seen!” Lily flailed her arm dramatically over her forehead like a damsel in distress. “Sirius Black and his long term lover James Potter! A love so strong that no living being could come between them!” Lily, now swooning across Sirius, began laughing like a little kid at her own bloody joke.
“Yeah, yeah. Ge’off you whale before you let everyone in on our hiding spot and Moody comes for my bullocks for failing what was supposed to be, a simple mission.” Sirius shoved her off of his lap and brushed off his clothes.
“Hey! You can’t get off with calling women whales you git!” Lily huffed in mock indignation, “I’ll have you know there is a full human baby inside of me right now. How would you like it if- “
CRACK
They heard the loud pop of apparition from across the alley. Sirius pulled Lily down next to him, out of sight from anyone who had just shown up.
Keep Lily safe. Keep Lily safe. Keep Lily safe.
It played like a mantra in his head. Sirius didn’t know how the rest of the night was going to play out but he knew he had only one true job. To keep Lily safe.
“I just don’t understand why he would send us to pick up the ingredients. We are clearly better suited for a less erroneous work.”
Instantly Sirius recognizes the slimy voice of Ol’ Snivilus Snape. Merlin, even after all these years, just the tone of Snape’s voice manages to get under his skin. Sirius is hit with that same rush of angry energy he’d have as a boy when he was around Snape in the Hogwarts halls.
“Just get on with it, Severus. Complaining about what the Dark Lord asks of us isn’t going to do you any favors.”
Shit.
Sirius looked over at Lily. Their eyes met, and in that moment they had a whole conversation in two seconds.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
Sirius took a daring peek at their counterparts, hoping he was wrong. For all that was good in the world, for all his mistakes and all the pain he had caused, he hoped he was wrong.
Holding his breath, as if that would make them less likely to notice him, Sirius peaked his head around the bush.
Shit.
And sure enough he worst fears were confirmed. Right next to his old schoolboy enemy, was his little brother.
Sirius couldn’t breathe. He hadn’t seen Reggie in years. He had to be just out of Hogwarts. What was he doing here? What was he doing talking to Snivilus? What was he doing wearing those robes? What had they done to him? Why did I leave him? This is all my fault.
This is all my fault. This is all my fault. This is all my fault. This is all my fault.
The familiar swirls of panic started to make their way through Sirius’ body as he felt his reality falter with the boy a few yards away.
Suddenly, Sirius was seven years old again. Tucked under the covers with his little brother, holding him tight to shield him from the monsters that lived in the house. Sirius learned not to cry in front of Walburga Black when he was two and scraped his knee running in the big house. Regulus never learned that lesson.
Regulus cried. Regulus cried and cowered and needed the shield of his big brother to keep him safe. Sirius was the protection at night after Walburga’s hurtful words and curses. Sirius was the one who learned the best way to wrap the fresh wounds that came from not being the perfect Black. Sirius was the one who left him in that house all on his own. Sirius was the one who took away the one safety Regulus had in his life.
Why did I leave him?
Sirius took another look at his baby brother. No, not his brother, Sirius tried to remind himself. Regulus couldn’t be his brother anymore. The person Sirius saw was cold with sharp edges. Nothing like the small, soft child he used to protect. He tried to read Regulus’ face, the deadpan stare offered no assistance. When did that happen? When did he stop being able to read Reggie’s face? This was his choice. Regulus was the one who chose the Dark Mark, who chose to be the perfect Black heir Sirius couldn’t be. But was it? Sirius remembered the way they tried to convince him to take his own mark when he was younger.
What did they do to him?
Sirius was brought back from his thoughts with a steady hand on his back. Bright green eyes that always had the power to ground him in the present. Bright green eyes that were a little brighter now than they usually were. Oh Merlin. Lily was most likely going through her own flashbacks to her childhood with the other man who was lurking around the alley.
Sirius took Lily’s hand and squeezed in what he was hoping was a comforting gesture.
“Where is that old potions master, anyway? I’d like to be done with this stinky street before we start to smell like dog bullocks.”
“As eloquently said as ever, Severus? I’d suspect you had worked for the minister with a tongue like that.”
“Oh please, as if I’d ever work for that blasphemous political system. Come on, Black, let’s just get this over with.”
Lily’s hands started to tremble in the tight grip Sirius and just became aware of. Looking at her, his body took over and before he knew it he was standing up and pointing his wand at the two men that were standing before them.
Looking across that alley Sirius didn’t see his little brother. He now knew that his Reggie was long dead. Drowned, like the rest of his childhood. This man was Regulus Black: proud heir to the Noble House of Black, family and fortune, only child of Walburga and Orion Black, Slytherin, and Death Eater.
“Sirius?” He heard the panicked whispers of Lily, still crouched down below him.
The look in Lily’s eyes. Fear? Hurt? Betrayal? Sirius had only seen her look like this once before, and that had been because of the same person who caused it now.
“I’m gonna kill him.” Sirius growled, crouching to join Lily back behind the bush.
“And who’d be there to save your dumb arse when you upset two powertful Death Eaters? Huh?” Most of the hurt had melted from Lily’s eyes now, shifting into something closer to protectiveness. I was supposed to be the one protecting you. Sirius wanted to argue. But it was no use. Lily was much more reasonable than Sirius was. In reality, she was always the one who protected Sirius.
But that didn’t stop the anger burning in Sirius’ chest. That blinding red rage that boiled up like a protective charm. Severus hurt Lily many times when they were younger. He betrayed the absolute trust and love Lily so graciously gave him, and for years took advantage of her forgiving nature.
Even after all this time. Even though Lily knows how horrible Snape is, that protectiveness and loyalty Lily feels as second nature doesn’t go away. Sirius knew that Lily’s ‘mum friend’ instincts did not start with the Marauders. It started when James would tease Snivellus over his greasy personality. It started when Sirius would trip him on the way back from a particularly brutal potions lesson. It started when Snape would tell Lily lies about wizarding society and convince her that his fucked up way of thinking was the proper way, and the Marauder’s moral compass was the one that was skewed.
Sirius always grudged Lily for sticking up for the slimy git when they were younger. But knowing what he knows about her now, it makes sense that her complete loyalty and trust for her friends would make it so she would trust anything her supposed best friend would tell her about a world she was newly thrust into.
“You okay, love?” Lily’s previously banterous tone switched for the softer version she reserved for when she was truly concerned. Merlin, she is going to be a good mum.
“Sirius?” She tried to get his attention again, a little more concern in her voice than before.
“Wha- yeah, sorry, I was just thinking.”
Lily looked at him again. Concern still not leaving those bright green eyes. “Thought I lost you for a second there. I think we should go, I don’t want to engage with them and Moody will want to know what we found.”
Lily was right. Lily was always right. However, all Sirius wanted to do was grab Reggie and shake him until he came back home with Sirius. Until he realized that he did have a choice and could leave the family, just like Sirius did.
Why did I leave him?
That annoying voice was back in Sirius’ mind. He peeked his head out again, searching for any sign that he shouldn’t go. Shouldn’t get to safety. Shouldn’t leave his brother again.
“You know he is not very happy with you right now.” Snape’s voice sneered from across the alley. “He believes that you are going to betray him. He can sense those things, you know. The wavering in your loyalty to our Dark Lord is disturbing.” He started to walk towards Regulus with something that looked like a mix of disgust and pity in his eyes, but Sirius was too far away and it was too dark to be sure. “To think, the heir to the House of Black would actually betray the mark is a ludicrous thought, I know, but you still share the same blood as your brother.”
If Sirius was waiting for a sign before, he certainly found one now.
Before he could think, Sirius was leaping up to his feet, wand in hand, pointing it directly at Snivellus. Just like old times, he thought. “EXPELIARMUS!” He yelled. The magic reached Snape in a fast and clean line, sending his own wand flying into Sirius’ hand.
“What the-“ Regulus’ reaction cut off when he noticed Sirius standing there. Very much so visible, though his legs were still behind the bush.
“Of course you would be the one they would send.” Snape glared at Sirius. Yup, definitely disgust in those eyes. “Is the little blood traitor going to try and fight us?”
“Be quiet, Severus!” Reg snapped. “We should wait and see what Sirius’ goals are before we do anything that we might regret.”
“That is very kind, dearest brother of mine.” Sirius dramatically bowed toward the younger Black boy, “your generosity is truly something, Reggie.” Smirking up, Sirius saw the look of disdain on his face at the nickname.
“If you call me that again, I’ll kill you on the spot. We are still on opposing sides of this war, Sirius. It’s what is expected when faced with the enemy.” The tone in Regulus’ voice was foreign to Sirius. When did he get so cold? Why did I leave him?
“Unfortunately for you, Regulus .” Sirius made sure to emphasize his brother's name, using the proper articulation that was so mercilessly drilled into him as a child. “I do happen to have the upper hand. I am holding your..” Sirius trailed off, contemplating the proper term for what to call Snape. Friend? No, Regulus couldn’t consider that monster his friend. When did they end up like this? “Colleague’s wand. Quite frankly, I believe that a fight would counter your best interest right now.”
Regulus looked at him curiously, “And why is that?” He asked. His mask still firmly on. Why can’t I read you anymore?
“Because,” Sirius started. Faking the confidence he knew he needed to leave here alive. “I’m your brother. Doesn’t it go against that philosophy of yours to kill a fellow Black? Someone with blood just as pure and clean as your own?”
“You have no right to call yourself that! You stopped being my brother the day you left me. Alone. In that house. With no defense or shield.” There it is. There’s the crack in the mask. There is that scared little boy Sirius was so used to protecting. He had to force himself to not fall into his old role. To not run over there and wrap his arms around his baby brother. Baby. Lily! I must protect Lily.
Sirius risked a quick glance down to where he knew Lily was still hiding, hoping it was too dark, too far away for Regulus to notice the shift in his gaze. He was wrong.
“Who’s there?” Snape shouted. Oh, I forgot you were here too. Sirius thought. Judging by the look on Regulus’ face, he did too.
“We aren’t foolish enough to think that they’d only send one of you!” Sirius’ breath caught in his chest. They couldn’t find Lily. If one of them had to make it out of this conflict alive, it had to be Lily. If one of them was to make it out of this war alive, it had to be Lily. Lily was the very best of them. She could not die. Sirius would not let Lily die.
“Oh come on, Black. I know you are hiding someone back there. What? Do they not want to defend you? Surely you couldn’t be that expendable.” Snape sneered the way he always sneered. Thinking back on it, in all their years at Hogwarts together, Sirius didn’t think he had ever heard Snape talk like a regular person.
“Hello, Severus.” Lily was now standing next to Sirius. Wand drawn, stern look on her face. Shit. How could he let her do this for him? Why was he so weak?
Snape’s face dropped in realization. Oh, right. There was no way he would let Lily die, just like there was no way Sirius would. If Regulus played by the rules there was no reason they shouldn’t all make it out of here alive.
“Lily,” Snape breathed the name more than spoke it, “You’re here.” Something in the way Snivellus regarded Lily reminded Sirius why he got that nickname in the first place. All grease and slime in his mannerisms and that longing stare he held on Lily. Sirius could tell Lily noticed the change as well as she shifted uncomfortably beside him.
“Yes, Severus. I am here with Sirius. If we could leave now without starting an unnecessary conflict, that would be preferred.” Lily spoke to him like one would speak to a wild animal, all soothing sounds with the undertones of fear. The unease of not knowing how Snape will react, if he will turn over and submit or if he will bare his teeth and attack.
“Oh Lils, I had hoped you wouldn’t have been so foolish as to get caught up in-,” Snape looked Sirius up and down with strong disdain. “-all this.” Sirius swore he could see the spit in his mouth as he spoke. The previous desire was replaced by a look Sirius could only place as ownership.
Sirius didn’t understand how someone could look at Lily like she was nothing more than an object. Even at age eleven, James would stare at Lily with amazement and admiration in his eyes. The way Snape ogled her was disturbing.
Lily was stuck. She was staring back at Snape with clear panic and fear, hand over her stomach. The baby. Lily’s baby. James’ baby. Sirius needed to protect the baby.
“Hey Snivellus,” Sirius shouted, an attempt to get his attention away from Lily. “Was it a fight you were looking for, or was this meeting just the stroke of Circe’s grace?”
Finally his eyes were off of Lily but now he was angrily looking at Sirius. That was fine, Sirius could take him. He’s done it before, a tattoo on your arm doesn’t give you any strength. That tattoo on his arm makes him weak. Snape is weaker than when they were kids. Sirius just had to get him away from here so he could get Lily home safely. This was fine.
“If you want to fight you have to toss me my wand back. It’s not exactly proper dueling etiquette to fire on someone who’s not armed.” Snape looked like he had never had a better day. Like dueling Sirius was his life’s goal.
Sirius tossed back his wand. It really was not in his interest to fight an unarmed man and he knew there was no way Snape would hurt Lily.
A flash of green shot out of Snape’s wand and shot past Sirius’ head. This was fine. Sirius fired back, using his usual mix of flair and genuine defense to keep the other boy entertained and on his ugly toes while he thought up a plan to get out.
Regulus made a sudden movement and Sirius instantly felt guilty. He’d be leaving Reg again. Just like when he was sixteen and left him in that house. He was once again choosing to save his friends over his own brother.
“SECTUMSEMPRA”
With Sirius’ guard dropped, Snape was able to shoot through his protego charm and hit him right in the chest.
Sirius fell backwards as the pain shot through his whole body. There might’ve been screaming or running but his senses were too blurred to take notice.
The pain was unbearable. Sirius couldn’t speak or move to see where Lily was. Where Regulus was. Then suddenly, the pain wasn’t there. Sirius felt warm and comfortable. While he knew that was probably not the best considering the circumstances, he couldn’t be bothered to care.
As his eyelids felt heavier and the warmth made its way further throughout his body, Sirius was briefly aware of the wave of bright red hair above him as he started to fade from consciousness.
***
Sirius woke up to the rustling of bed sheets and the smell of that potion Remus always takes after full moons. He tried sitting up but the pain coursing through his chest was too much. He fell back.
Lily was standing at the foot of the bed straightening out the sheets and blankets around him. Her cheeks were tear stained and there was a bandage on her arm, but she looked unharmed. Thank Merlin for Lily Potter.
“What happened?” Sirius questioned. He knew the answer. Knew Snape hexed him and now he was recovering from it, that is. What Sirius wanted to know was how they got to… wherever they were.
“Snape. He hexed you but I stood in the way before he did anything more.” She looked tired. More tired than Sirius thought she had ever looked.
“Lily you shouldn’t have,” Sirius tried to start.
“No.” Lily cut him off. “You will not tell me that I was wrong to protect you. If I hadn’t stepped in, you would be dead. And where does that get us?” Her voice was unwavering despite the tears that threatened to fall again.
Sirius knew better than to push any further on the topic. “Did they at least leave after?”
“Yes. Regulus shot some sort of hex at me but he wasn’t really aiming. It only grazed my arm, I’m sure that it was just a way for him to get me to move away from you. After that, Severus took his arm and they apparated away.” Lily rubbed her arm like the memories from tonight will always be there.
“How..”
“Did we get here?” Lily smirked at being able to finish Sirius’ sentence for him. “After they left, I realized how close we were to Diagon Alley. I levitated you through to a room above the Leaky Cauldron. Don’t worry, I rented this room for as long as you need to heal.”
Sirius was still wrapping his head around the night. Had Regulus really been there? Had Snape’s own curse almost been the cause of his death? Could Regulus have killed Lily if he tried? Was Regulus actually trying to get to him? Would it have been to help?
“I got Remus to bring over some of the potions and medicines that he takes after the full moon.” Lily’s voice once again the savior from Sirius’ own thoughts. “I am not sure how well they will work on the scar given that it is a magical wound but I figured it was worth a shot.”
At that moment, Sirius lost all control. The hot tears came pouring out of him along with every emotion he had ever felt for this masterpiece of a woman standing in front of him.
“Lily,” Sirius sobbed out. “Please don’t ever leave me.”
Lily rushed over to his bedside and wrapped him up in her arms. His throat felt full and his eyes burned like fire as he continued to sob uncontrollably into the shoulder of his best friend.
“Oh love,” She cooed. “I won’t ever leave you. I promise. We are stuck together after all, I did marry your brother.”
Sirius let out a wet laugh at that and soon Lily followed. It wasn’t too much longer before she pulled away with another squeeze and a quick kiss on his forehead. And that was all Sirius needed. That was all Sirius knew he’d ever need. The reassurance that his best friends would be there for him to fight, love, and laugh by his side.
The world is such an unpredictable place, but as long as Sirius had his true family with him to always show him love, he knew he would be okay. He knew it would all be okay. After all, he knew love conquers all. So as long as Sirius had love, nothing truly tragic could ever happen. Could it?