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“Hild…”
The nun sighs deeply as she leans over the pot of warm water. Her sullenness is not from the interruption or from the young woman doing it. It’s over her task. Another attack, another raid, another moment she had to lift her sword. They won easily enough. There wasn’t much bloodshed and barely any on their side. But still, her habit had been stained again and she can’t get all the blood out of the white fabric. Her hands shake from scrubbing too much and she drops the dress in the soiled water again. She sighs and shakes her head and practically collapses on the floor.
“Hild!” Thyra’s voice is louder, full of panic and concern. She’s by the nun’s side in an instant, wrapping her arms around her and pulling the older woman against her. “Are you alright?”
Hild nods and sighs again. “I am fine, Thyra. Just tired. I didn’t sleep well and the battle this morning wears on me.”
Thyra smiles sadly and presses a gentle kiss to the top of Hild’s head. “The battles always wear on you.” She says with a hint of amusement. “You should leave the fighting to me.”
Hild thinks nothing of the kiss. She doesn’t realize how often such gestures are bestowed upon her by the younger woman because she just doesn’t think about it. She tries not to, tries to ignore the way Thyra is always close to her, always touching her and staring at her, the way the younger woman hangs on every word she says. Oh yes, she knows why. She thinks she knows why. But Thyra hasn’t said anything and Hild will not voice it. She will not think about it. Instead, Hild shakes her head and moves to stand. Thyra helps her, touching her and guiding her until she’s standing. Hild smiles at her as she turns towards her and she shakes her head again. “No. There’s been enough bloodshed and death in your life, Thyra, and you’ve not had anyone to fight for you or protect you. Let me do that for you now.”
A sweet blush spreads across Thyra’s face and she nods. “Yes. But only if you let me take care of you! Lay with me tonight.”
Hild’s face reddens faster than Thyra’s and she steps back. Her eyes widen and she shakes her head. “Thyra… Thyra, it isn’t proper…”
Thyra frowns for a moment. She tilts her head and then shrugs. She shyly drops her gaze to the floor and slouches her shoulders a bit. She drags her foot across the weathered floor and sighs. “I wasn’t talking about that.” She says softly, her voice barely a whisper. “I meant… I know you sometimes have nightmares about me… I hear you calling my name… I thought… I thought if we were sleeping together in the same room… maybe you wouldn’t worry about me so much. I thought you’d be able to sleep.”
Hild’s mouth goes dry as she watches the younger woman’s demeanor and her heart plummets. “I… I didn’t know… you knew…” She says softly.
Thyra nods her head, still not looking up. “I don’t want to be a burden to you, Hild. I don’t want to cause you trouble or pain. I… I know…” She sighs deeply, her whole body heaving with the movement. “I know you don’t… feel the same…” Thyra lifts her gaze to meet Hild’s for a moment. Then she looks away quickly and turns.
“Thyra!” Hild reaches out before she thinks better of it. She grabs Hild’s arm and tightens her fingers around her. When Thyra stills and turns to look at her, Hild can’t seem to quiet her mind anymore. Suddenly everything Thyra has ever said to her runs through her head, every moment they’ve been together, every smile and touch and laugh, every kiss bestowed on her head or hand. Everything that is the odd young woman that has been a step behind her since her rescue circles around in Hild’s head and her heart.
Thyra waits. But she thinks she reads fear in Hild’s eyes. Regret, reluctance, confusion. Thyra shakes her head and backs up a step. “I will leave you alone for the night.” She says softly.
“No!” Hild shakes her head and steps closer. She swallows and she doesn’t know what to do anymore. She doesn’t know what to feel anymore. She just knows she doesn’t like how hurt Thyra looks and she doesn’t want the younger woman to leave. “I don’t… I can’t…” She stumbles over the words and sighs. “Thyra, it’s not that I don’t… feel the same… if I do…” She adds softly, her voice trembling. “It’s that… I don’t know what I feel. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know why you’d want me!” She says, a little exacerbated.
Thyra turns back. She drops her gaze to the floor again and tilts her head. “Every choice I ever had was made for me. Every decision taken from me. I never got to decide who I wanted.” She slowly lifts her gaze and meets Hild’s again. “My heart wants you.” Her voice is barely a whisper. Fear grips her at actually saying it outloud. “But my heart doesn’t want to lose you either. I will… I will keep my feelings to myself.”
Hild sighs deeply and shakes her head. “I don’t know, Thyra. I… I feel like I don’t know anything anymore. I feel like you’ve come into my life and turned everything around and sometimes you make me dizzy.” Hild sees the worry pass around those lovely eyes and she shakes her head. “But the thought of you leaving… of you not being in my life anymore… Thyra… I don’t want that. I don’t have a life without you. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to give you what you want… you’ll have to go slow with me.”
A smile spreads across Thyra’s face and she nods. She moves closer and wraps her arms around Hild’s neck. She pulls herself closer and clings as tight to the older woman as she can. Then she turns her head and presses a kiss to Hild’s neck. “I can do that.” She says softly, her words ghosting across the nun's skin.
Hild closes her eyes and her arms shake a bit. But she wraps herself around Thyra and holds her just as tight. And she thinks maybe she doesn’t mind the way the girl holds her, she doesn’t mind the fingers she can feel tangling in her hair and the lips on her neck. Maybe it’s okay. Maybe she just needs time.