Chapter Text
Jason leaned against the prow as he kept watch. They had reached the Mediterranean and, according to Leo, should reach the western coast of Greece by tomorrow morning. So far, everything had been abnormally quiet on the monster front. He had found himself spending most of his time by the prow lately. It was a good place to keep watch, and a good place to think. And he’d had a lot to think about over the last few days.
It had been a few days since his encounter with Cupid in Split. The experience had been unpleasant to say the least. Nico had had an even worse time of it than he had. They hadn’t exactly been close before their encounter with the God, but the experience had certainly strained their tenuous relationship nonetheless. Nico could barely stand to look at him, never mind be in the same room as him for long. The confession Cupid had forced out of Nico had clearly affected the son of Hades heavily.
For once, Nico’s secret was not at the forefront of his mind. Jason had a revelation of his own to deal with. He’d been distracted ever since returning from Split. He couldn’t forget what had happened. What Cupid had said to them. To him. He could still hear the god’s rich voice echoing in his head.
‘You’ve found true love, after all. Or do you still doubt yourself?’
Jason knew, as he had at the time, that Cupid had been talking about Piper. Piper and he had never officially gotten together, but he was all too aware of her desire to. She liked him, she flirted with him regularly. Jason had just never been sure about his feelings towards her. She had made her intentions towards him clear, and he still felt guilty about Juno having messed with her memories in the first place. If he were honest with himself, before Split, he had slowly been making his peace with the idea of them getting together if they managed to survive this quest. But he knew deep down that it was out of a sense of duty, not love. He felt like he owed her after everything Juno had done.
‘A good try. But Love cannot be pinned down so easily.’
Since returning, however, he was beginning to realise that Cupid had been right to mock him. What the god had said was true. He didn’t really love her romantically, and he was beginning to see that she wasn’t the right person for him. Because honestly…? He had feelings for somebody else.
He had tried desperately to ignore those feelings. But he’d found himself able to think of little else after hearing everything Cupid had to say. Jason glanced back over his shoulder. The rest of The Seven were spread out across the deck, keeping themselves busy. Even Nico had come down from the rigging to help out. He was standing with Hazel and Frank, deep in conversation. Jason’s gaze caught on him.
‘Where you least expect me,’ he heard Cupid’s voice echo. ‘As Love always is.’
Jason bit the inside of his cheek hard. He shouldn’t even be looking at Nico. He had tried so hard not to over the last few days. But he constantly caught himself stealing glances, unable to look away for long. It was a bad idea to entertain, even privately, he knew. He knew now that he liked boys. Perhaps it had just been one more thing he had forgotten about himself. Perhaps it was simply something new he had been given the chance to discover about who he could become.
Retrospectively, he realised that he had noticed Nico right away, from the first second Jason had laid eyes on him. But his interest had been so vague, his commitment to fulfilling his obligation to Piper so firm, that he hadn’t recognised it for what it really was. Attraction. His crush had only grown the longer they had been on the quest, and fully cemented after the whole Cupid fiasco.
But Jason knew realistically that Nico was off limits. Nico was too young and had been through too much. It wasn’t the right time to say anything. Not so soon after Cupid had forced Nico to come out. It wouldn’t be fair to mess with his head any more than had already been done. It wasn’t like Jason would’ve had a chance anyway. Nico may like boys as well, but he clearly wasn’t comfortable with that fact. Not to mention that he liked Percy specifically.
Jason wondered grimly why it always seemed to be Percy he was in competition with. If Nico had set the bar at Percy, Jason knew he could never measure up. So he had convinced himself that there was simply no point in saying anything. No matter how much he might like to.
‘Still hiding,’ Cupid’s voice taunted. ‘You do not have the strength.’
Jason grit his teeth, turning to face the deck fully, leaning back against the prow. He was a coward, and he knew it. He still genuinely didn’t think it would be fair to Nico to tell him about his budding feelings and leave Nico to deal with that. But blaming it on Percy was nothing but an excuse. Jason simply didn’t want to take the risk of rejection.
He watched Nico a while longer. Even after everything Nico had suffered through at the hands of the giants, he was still extremely attractive. He was handsome in a sharp, almost dangerous way, a little like Cupid himself had been. Nico’s looks were only the tip of the iceberg for Jason, however. Over the course of their quest, he had come to admire a great many of Nico’s qualities.
Nico was a man of few words, but when he did have something to say, it was always worth listening to. Nico was incredibly intelligent and insightful, more so than Jason thought many of the others had yet to realise. He was kind and gentle in a way that was not overtly obvious. Jason had initially been surprised to see that side of Nico; only catching glimpses through quiet observation of Nico and Hazel together.
Watching the son of Hades face Cupid had only deepened his admiration. Nico was an incredibly powerful demigod, more powerful than Jason had ever imagined. He was courageous and proud and cared far more deeply than he ever let on. Jason had felt at the time that he was prying into things no one was welcome to see. Now, he felt honoured to have been given the chance to see deeper beyond Nico’s carefully maintained front, even if Nico had not chosen to show him.
Jason sighed heavily. It got harder every day to keep a tight leash on his feelings. He had resolutely decided he would not say anything. But every day he wanted to more and more. Perhaps it would have been easier to confess his feelings if he had just fallen for Piper. He was already closer to her than to Nico. It would have been so much simpler, just as the gods had planned. He knew she would reciprocate. There would be no risk at all. It would have been a much easier game to win if he were playing with Piper.
‘Love is no game! It is no flowery softness! It is hard work – a quest that never ends.’
Jason looked away from Nico, wavering. A quest that never ends. He certainly felt like his feelings for Nico were never going to go away, no matter how hard he had tried to stop them. Jason clenched his fist at his side. The familiar tightness in his chest which he had been nursing these past few days since Split had returned full force. He wanted to tell Nico. Even though he was sure to be rejected. If he kept this to himself much longer, he felt like he would suffocate under the weight of his own feelings..
‘It demands everything from you – especially the truth. Only then does it yield rewards.’
Jason took in a steadying breath, for the first time feeling bolstered by Cupid’s words instead of ridiculed. Nico had been brave and now it was Jason’s turn. He had to ignore his doubts. If his friends were surprised that he was interested in a boy, he didn’t care. He refused to feel ashamed of feelings he simply couldn’t help. He didn’t want to mope around or hold back anymore. He had spent his whole life letting everyone else choose for him.
He had become Praetor because other people wanted him to, because they told him that was what a son of Jupiter was supposed to do. He had stopped pushing for the changes he really wanted to make at Camp Jupiter because everyone else said tradition was more important. He had let the gods steer his life for him since he was an infant – followed where they lead him, taken what they’d given him and forfeited anything they’d told him wasn’t for him. But not this time. Jason was going after what he wanted and wouldn’t let anyone else decide for him. It would be between him and Nico.
Jason still couldn’t quite believe he was doing it, even as he walked stiffly over to the son of Hades. He cleared his throat awkwardly, interrupting the group’s conversation. All three demigods turned to him expectantly. Jason suddenly felt very out of his depth. He turned to Nico, still very conscious of Frank and Hazel’s eyes on him.
“Could I have a word?” he asked around his suddenly dry throat.
Nico didn’t look thrilled – great start – but nodded curtly and followed Jason back towards the prow. Jason took a deep, steadying breath before turning back to face Nico. The rest of The Seven were far down towards the back of the boat. They wouldn’t be able to hear anything Jason said over the sound of the biting wind, even if they had been paying them the slightest bit of attention.
Nico waited patiently for Jason to say something, his arms folded over his chest, familiar frown in place. Jason clenched and unclenched his fists at his sides. His brief burst of confidence seemed to have abandoned him in his moment of need. He didn’t expect anything from Nico at all. Jason just wanted to tell Nico everything he had been feeling towards him over the last few days. If he could just get it all out, Jason was sure he’d be able to focus better on the quest and stop feeling so conflicted with himself. He also quietly hoped that even if Nico didn’t return his feelings, that it might reassure the son of Hades that he wasn’t as alone as he felt for being the way he was. That, even if only in friendship, it might repair some of the damage the Cupid incident had done to them.
Jason exhaled deeply. Nothing to do but go for it. “Okay, so here’s the thing. I’m not very good at this, and I don’t really know how to explain it. I don’t want to freak you out, but I also think I really need to say it.”
Nico regarded him suspiciously but didn’t interrupt. Jason swallowed his nerves and pressed on. It was much more difficult to get his thoughts in order with those dark piercing eyes boring into him.
“Maybe I shouldn’t mention it, but I can’t stop thinking about what happened with Cupid –”
Nico inhaled sharply through his nose and took a half step back, looking startled. He looked over his shoulder towards the back of the ship, making sure none of the others were looking their way, before returning his gaze to Jason, glaring at him angrily.
“I told you I’m not interested in talking about it,” he said tightly, dark eyes flashing in warning.
Ah. Of course Nico would jump to the conclusion that Jason wanted to talk about Nico’s secret. Perhaps he could have worded it better.
“That’s not what I want to talk about,” promised Jason, holding up his hands placatingly. “It does relate to what happened in Split, but it’s not about anything you said.”
Nico’s glare relented only slightly. He still looked suspicious and hadn’t let down his guard any. “Then what?”
Jason licked his lips hesitantly, unsure of how to proceed. “The thing is…The thing is, I’ve been thinking about some of the things Cupid said to me. And I guess examining my own feelings led to, um,” Jason laughed nervously, unsure of himself, “an unexpected conclusion. And, well…I suppose it does involve you after all.”
Nico’s frowned deepened as he observed Jason uncertainly. “I don’t understand what you’re talking about.”
Jason suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe very well. He ignored the crushing weight on his chest and pushed through. The words came pouring out of him all at once.
“I know it’s probably truly terrible timing for you. And maybe I’m out of line for even thinking about it, after everything you’ve been through.” Jason took a deep, steadying breath. “But…these feelings I have for you, they’re all I’ve been able to think about lately and I can’t help it. I don’t know how to make them stop. I’m not even sure I want them to stop.”
Nico was staring at him, frozen in place. He looked mildly horrified and completely blindsided. “But you – You can’t – I don’t understand,” repeated Nico helplessly, frustrated.
Jason offered him a small smile, speaking earnestly. “I like you, Nico. I like you a lot.” He shrugged, grinning shyly. “Just so you know.”
Nico let out a tight exhale through his teeth and raked a hand through his hair, still looking quite distressed. “What do you want from me?”
Jason’s nervous expression softened. “Nothing. I don’t want anything from you, Nico. I just thought I should tell you how I feel.”
“But you like girls,” cried Nico. It almost sounded like an accusation. He swung an arm out in the general direction of the others. “What about Piper?”
“We were never together. And I’m not so sure that I do like girls actually,” replied Jason politely. He shrugged with a small, embarrassed laugh. “Look, this is pretty new to me too.”
“So what?” scoffed Nico incredulously, taking another defensive step back. He laughed but it was closer to hysteria than amusement. “You’re asking me out?”
“I know this has to be pretty overwhelming,” said Jason gently. “I just wanted to make my feelings clear. Nothing has to happen at all if you don’t want it to. It’s your choice, Nico. I just wanted to make sure you knew you had a choice.”
Nico gaped at him, lost for words. Jason hadn’t expected this to go especially well, but he was beginning to wonder if maybe he should’ve just kept it all to himself after all.
“I didn’t tell you this to panic you,” said Jason apologetically. “I just like you, that’s all. Take some time, as much as you need. Think it over. I know it’s…Well, just think about it. And if you think you might feel the same way, then great, and I’ll follow your lead on what you want to do about it.
“And if you don’t, that’s totally fine too. And I won’t bring it up again, I swear.” Jason rubbed his fingers together by his side self-consciously. Sometimes he missed having Ivlivs. “Whatever you decide though, I’d still like to be your friend at least. If you want one.”
Nico looked at him in silence, cagey, holding himself rigidly. He looked to the side, letting out a tight breath, eyes narrowed unhappily.
“Hazel’s looking unwell again,” said Nico quietly. “I’m going to take her below deck to rest.”
“Oh. Right, of course,” answered Jason, feeling a little wrongfooted by the change in topic.
Nico left without a second glance at Jason. Jason watched him take Hazel’s arm gently, with Frank at her other side and lead her carefully below deck. She did look rather green. Jason watched Nico go feeling very exposed and a little disappointed. He hadn’t expected any miracles, but he wished he’d handled that better. He’d always heard people talk about how good love felt, how happy it was supposed to make you feel. It didn’t seem to be working for Jason at that moment.
‘Oh, I wouldn’t say Love always makes you happy,’ echoed Cupid’s voice. ‘Sometimes it makes you incredibly sad. But at least you’ve faced it now.’
Jason clicked his tongue in annoyance. Taking advice from a god. He’d never learn.
He shook himself out of it. He’d said his piece now and there wasn’t anything else he could do about it for the time being. He’d just have to leave it with Nico and see what happened. In the meantime, there was work to be done.
Jason made his way over to Piper and Leo, hoping to refocus on their quest and take his mind off Nico’s less than welcoming reaction to his confession. He frowned at the cloud covered sky on his way over. The weather had been oddly out of season since they’d entered the Mediterranean. The waves were choppy and cold drizzle left ice forming on the rails and the ropes. The dismal weather didn’t brighten his mood any by the time he joined Piper and Leo.
They took note of his gloomy expression, glancing at each other and exchanging pointed looks.
“What was that about?” asked Leo, gesturing to the prow where Jason had spoken to Nico.
So they had been paying attention.
“Nothing,” said Jason, dismissively.
“You’ve both been acting weird and cagey since you came back with the Sceptre,” pressed Piper. “What happened in Croatia?”
“It’s nothing important, really,” insisted Jason firmly. “Just drop it, okay?”
Piper and Leo exchanged another cryptic look. Jason didn’t like keeping secrets from them, and a part of him wished he could open up to them about all the confusing things he’d been feeling lately. But it wasn’t his secret to tell, and he couldn’t explain to them how he felt without outing Nico’s secret in the process. And he simply wouldn’t do that to Nico.
Thankfully, Leo had his back as always. Leo started filling them in on their progress to Epirus. They got talking about the information they’d gleaned from their collective dreams about who would be waiting for them at the House of Hades. The winds had whipped up more ferociously around them as they’d spoken, the temperature dropping further. Jason hadn’t even noticed until Piper suddenly yelled a warning to look out.
“It’s her!” cried Piper, raising her knife defensively.