Work Text:
“Are you okay, Five?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
Nearly died today. But that’s nothing new, is it? It’s the damned apocalypse. Practically part of the daily routine.
“Five, are you doing okay?”
“Yes. I’m fine.”
I’m alive. I’m alive and I have no right to complain. Not like Archie. Not like Sara. They should have gotten more time. I’m still here. Still surviving. I miss them every day.
“’Alright, Five?”
“I’m fine.”
I wish we had time to talk like we used to. We’ve both been busy during the searching process, but you’re even busier than me. From the way your hair’s looking, you’ve been cutting back on sleep again. With any luck, we'll find them all soon. I can tell how much you miss Maxine. Maybe that’s why you’ve been around Paula so much lately. You’ve needed to talk to someone about it, and she knows Maxine better than anybody. I wouldn’t really know what to say that would help. Still, I hope we get a chance to talk soon. I’ve missed our conversations.
“Five, are you alright?”
“Yeah. Fine.”
Saying goodbye to Sara today was one of the hardest things I’ve done in a while. It didn’t quite hit me until today. I don’t really know how Abel’s still going without her. She was the strongest of all of us. I hear her voice inside my head sometimes. Maybe it’s just that I know what she’d say, but I’m not sure. It’s like she’s right there at my shoulder, talking to me like she always did. I might be going crazy. Do you hear Alice in your head sometimes? Maybe you do. I’ll probably never find out though. I can’t ask you that. I can’t just ask questions like that.
I wish I knew how to talk to somebody about this.
“Are you alright, Five?”
“I’m fine, yeah.”
I’m so sorry. You know that I’m lying about where I got the papers. I can see it in your eyes. I never wanted to lie. Not to you. But I can’t tell you. Because if I told you that Simon’s alive… I don’t know how to explain all of what I just saw. The limbs… the zombie heads… everything. Simon’s gone insane and it’s horrible. Now I'm in debt to a traitor. I owe him the favor of not giving him up because he saved my life and I don’t understand why he would do that. I feel disgusted with myself but I can’t talk to you, can I? Not now.
“Doing okay, Runner Five?”
“Yeah. Of course.”
I have nightmares about Van Ark sometimes. Him chasing after me with his zombies. Him taunting me as I run tied to the back of his truck. His experiments. I haven’t told anyone about them. Meant to tell you a few nights ago, but you were with Paula again. It didn’t seem right to sit with you. I would have been welcome, I know, but I couldn’t do it for some reason. Talking to anybody right now just feels impossible.
I wish I knew what he did to me. We still don’t know. None of us has a way to find out until something happens. I’m terrified. What if I turn into a zom? A super powered zom that’s invincible the way he was? What if nobody can stop me and I take out everybody at Abel? What if something else happens and I start needing treatments every day, like Paula? What if it’s making me go crazy, like Simon did? I’m going to end up just like him, sitting in a forest of zombie heads. I could be a ticking bomb for all I know and there’s nothing I can do. I’m going mad.
“Runner Five?”
“Fine.”
I’m sorry we fought. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you Simon was alive. He was Jody’s only chance to escape. I had to go to him. And then you remembered that I lied about where I got the notes. Now you think I’m deceptive like Jody, keeping secrets from everyone. You said that we weren’t the kind of friends who should keep secrets from each other, and you’re right.
You were so cold on the escort mission for Radio Cabel today. Still angry with me. I’m sorry, Sam. I wish I could explain why I’m closed off and why I’m hiding things from you now and why I’m not acting like myself anymore, but I have no idea. It’s getting so hard to just open my mouth. Please forgive me. I’m trying. I just can’t prove it. I don’t know how to show it. I’m trying. I’m trying. God help me, I’m trying.
“Five! Are you alright?!”
I haven’t felt this peaceful in a long time. When’s the last time I could run like this without worrying about anything? These tones have helped me understand all sorts of things. Talking to you- talking to anybody… it’s not really a problem any more.
“Five? Are you okay?”
No.
I killed you. You’re dead, Sam. You’re dead. I blew up all those people on those ships. I let zombies into Abel. I attacked Abel. I murdered you with my own axe. And I was so happy the whole time.
So many people are dead because of me.
You were the best friend I had left and I killed you.
It’s not fine. It will never be fine again.
“You’re going to be okay, Five. Everything’s going to be fine.”
I don’t really believe that. I don’t think you entirely believe that either. That’s just not the time period we live in anymore. Things aren’t really ever going to be fine. But we can pretend that they might be, for now.
I’m glad we can talk again. Maxine said you didn’t sleep at all while I was gone. She found you lying outside the door when she decided it would be safe for you to come in and visit. You apologized for leaving the room and letting me get hypnotized. I apologized for nearly cutting your head off. I guess we’re square.
I don’t know when Maxine’s going to let me leave this hospital bed. I’d like to get back to being helpful again, but obviously they need to keep checking that mind control doesn’t work on me any more. They need to make sure Moonchild can’t use me.
She made a big mistake. She didn’t kill me.
“We’re going to make her pay for this.”
Yeah. I think you’re right.