Work Text:
For once, I thought, what was in you that I like. I think, even now, that it’s kind of impossible to like you. I am a maniac, they say. I have a few loose screws, they say. But I know how to be proper at times and at certain times.
Although it seems when I saw you, I wasn’t at all in my proper condition. Why would I like you?
You pass by me after class, running as your friend chases after you.
Huh. How could someone like you run with a sweaty complexion yet still look so beautiful? I could not answer this question. Although there are questions in a test that I couldn't answer. However, you alone bloom countless queries unanswered.
“Monoma.”
I turn to you, surprised. I try my best to remain that smug expression. “Yes?” I say. It may not look like it, but my ribcage felt small. Why am I out of breath? This is merely speaking to you. I suppose I don't like you this much. Maybe it was the coffee I drank a while ago.
Wait, I don’t drink coffee.
“I was wondering if you could call Kendo for me.” You say with a small smile.
“Yes, of course,” I say too fast. I cough, hiding the fact that I sounded too eager to talk to you. “I mean, yes. I’ll call her.” I turn around. Yet my feet felt like they didn’t want to move.
I sigh. My legs felt weak. “Kendo!” I shout her name instead. Walking toward Kendo felt like a chore. You were behind me. It felt like you were pulling me. Compelling me from walking away.
Kendo beams as she sees you. Same, Kendo. But I sweat and my eyes turn to an angry stare when I see you. My feelings felt like they contradict my routined facial expressions.
I once thought again, what was in you, that I like.
“Neito! Let’s go arcade!” Tetsutetsu. I wish I was more like him. Everyone in class adores this iron man. He was like the sun.
I sling my bag over my shoulder and reply. “Who are you inviting?”
“A few friends I made from class A and Kendo!” He answers.
“Class A? And who are they?” I query. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t anticipating hearing your name. I wish he’d say your name. At the same time, I wish he wouldn’t. Being with you in the same space would wreck my mind a thousand times. I’d be too useless in an arcade.
“Kirishima, Ashido, Kaminari … Uhh… What was her name again?” Tetsutetsu trails off. I sigh. It was probably you that he meant. God, Tetsutetsu. How could he forget a name with a face like yours? Never in my life did I want to punch a friend so bad.
“We’re going to the arcade now?” I ask. Hearing your name would just freak me out.
Tetsutetsu breaks from his daze and nods. “Let’s meet them at the arcade!” He cheers. Oh, Tetsutetsu. I wish I could share your enthusiasm.
We arrive at the arcade. I wonder what’s so special. I’ve been here a couple of times. Same games to play all over again. What’s the fuzz?
“What’s that frown for? Let’s get in!” Tetsutetsu says and slaps my back. The force pushing me to walk inside with him.
“I’m not as physically strong as you, Tetsu.” I groan and stretch my back.
The pain faded. Like a bubble that popped. A light that switched off.
You were standing there with your friends. Laughing, smiling. Oh, good heavens. You sure know how to pull me to you.
“You guys are late!” Kendo rages at us. Tetsutetsu retorts.
I muted down their banters. It would be a waste of time to listen to them. Staring at you is another matter. You were giggling and laughing at Kendo and Tetsutetsu. What’s so funny with their pointless arguments? Never mind, maybe it’s amusing because it’s meaningless. Either way, as long as you’re happy.
You played basketball, the air hockey, the car racing, the dance-step, and the list goes on. But I never dared to challenge you in a game. It wasn’t because of my pride. It was different from playing with Tetsutetsu where I always had this sense to win. I can’t pinpoint it. Ugh.
“Hey, Neito! You’re good at this, right?” Tetsutetsu calls and stands before a claw machine.
Damn it all, Tetsu. Out of all the games, he’d say I excel at, it had to be that.
“Oh? Y/N, you’re good at that too, right?” Ashido says.
I take it back. I’m the best at claw machines.
I walk towards the machine with a coin in hand. “I suppose I can claw a few,” I say.
“How about this! Y/N and Monoma will have five coins each. The one who gets more toys wins!” Kaminari announces.
Wow. I think my heart leaped. Did I just hear my name in one statement with yours?
“Sounds fine,” I reply. I challenged myself to look at you, and when I did, you were already looking at me.
You smile. My chest hurts. “Sounds good to me too!” You cheered and stood beside me. No, have mercy. The proximity is too much for me to bear.
“Ladies first,” I say. An excuse to at least take a step away from you.
“How manly!” Kirishima exclaims. No, I’m a coward.
“If you say so,” you reply. I take a large step back as you obtain my place. Good. This distance is okay. I can breathe.
We watch you try to claw the stuffed toys. Cute. Out of five, you had clawed none.
Your friends began whining and complaining that the machine was broken. You dismiss them off and look at me.
“Your turn, Monoma.” Stop saying my name. At this point, even without a claw, my heart will find its way out of my chest.
I felt my palm sweating and shaking. When did claw machines start to become a thrilling game? My intention to win overtook me. I need to claw at least one.
There’s one coin left, and I had retrieved none. How embarrassing. I hope you’re not looking.
“You can do this, Monoma!” Why are you cheering for your enemy? I look back and see you with your lips to a wide grin. Why do you look so happy? Do you want me to win? Do you want to lose?
I insert the coin. It was senseless to try and win the game. It was just a game. If we both lose, hooray. If I get one, I’ll just give it to–
I need to get one.
“Wow, Neito’s really getting into it.” I hear someone say. I tune out their comments. I need to win.
That sweat and determination paid off. Sounds exaggerated for a game like a claw machine, but I’m glad that I got one.
They cheered, you included. Why are you cheering for your loss? Anyway, this feat is for you.
They all began to walk away to find another game. You were about to wander off with them when I laid a hand on your shoulder. You look back and I flinch.
What the fuck, Neito.
I pull back my hand as if touching a hot pot. I can’t believe I had the guts to touch you.
You look at me with a prying and innocent gaze. You smile at me. “Yeah?” You say.
I smirk like I often do. Never had I felt so tired of forcing my lips to curve. I want them to frown. I want my eyes to turn to slits. Facing you felt so illegal yet so right at the same time.
“It's yours,” I say and offer you the toy. Your eyes widen. Is it bad? Do you not like the toy? Did I do something wrong?
My worries wash away when you beam at me. I wish you could smile at me like that all the time.
“Are you sure? It's your win though,” you say.
“Yes, I am. Take it as a gift. I heard you aced a test.” I say. Wait, did I sound like a stalker? No. Acing a test would have your name fly around the school. It doesn't sound weird that I knew she passed a test. Yes.
You laugh. I hope you didn't hear the way I sighed in contentment. Because I felt that way after hearing you chuckle.
“Then....” You trail off and head to the claw machine. You clawed a toy with ease. Huh. Did you lose on purpose, perhaps?
“I couldn't get one a while ago. I was nervous.” You say as you walk toward me. “Let's exchange.” You add.
I’m not sure. Am I hearing things right? No way. Did you go through the effort of taking one toy just to trade it with me?
No, no. I shouldn't jump to conclusions.
I smile instead and you return a grin. Fuck. I think my heart stopped beating.
I could feel the soft graze of our fingers as we swap the dolls. It was probably just me, but I felt that electric current running through our fingers.
I used to question, what was in you that I like. I think it's impossible. I think I wasn't in the right state when I saw you. If I was, then maybe I wouldn't feel this way.
As you smile at me, you turn away. You say, “let's catch up with them!”
I stare at your back. I begin to realize. An answer to my question.
What was in you that I like? None. I discover that when I put something as a foundation, a reason to like you. What happens when that is lost? If I had liked you for your smile, what if there comes a time that you frown at me? If I had liked you for your beauty, what if there comes a time that I had gone blind? If I had liked you for your bubbly personality, what if there comes a time that you’ve changed?
What was in you that I like? None. But I know one thing.
I like you.
For questions to arise in the future, I think there are things better left unsaid. Since you alone bloom countless queries unanswered.
For once, I stopped wondering why I like you. And now, I kept falling for you.