Work Text:
During i-Land, Jungwon knew he was the kind of person people relied on in order to forget stress a little. He would always be so kind, listen to people when they needed a shoulder to cry on, wipe tears from their cheeks and reassure them. He would always make everyone's need go before his. He was fine, he said. He was used to taking care of older people, he affirmed. His sister, grandmother and parents were in fact very happy to say they could always count on him despite his young age. He didn't mind sharing, he didn't mind making sacrifices, didn't care much about going last in priority. So, as he always did with his family, he would prioritize everyone's well being. Even when he would crave for some specific food, he'd always ask all i-Landers if anyone wanted it more than he did. It almost always ended up with him eating ramens, but he didn't mind much because he knew someone was happy.
When everyone would fight to have a specific part in a song, he would always raise his hand without thinking about it, believing that if he didn't get the part and the other would, it would just mean he deserves it more and he himself has to work harder. Therefore he was never too greedy, he would just take and appreciate what he was given. Nevertheless, he would feel bad when his closest friends lost the part to him. Like Jay that one time. Jay said it wasn't his fault, and that he would kill that part but Jungwon couldn't help but feel guilty. This guilt would help him work hard. He'd think ''Jay hyung wanted that part, you can't let Jay hyung down. You have to do well. No, you have to do more than well. Perfect, try to be perfect." and he would work himself out. Draining the life out of his body so much that when he would fall asleep his muscles would move on their own, dancing like they have a mind of themselves. Jungwon wouldn't know about it if his hyung didn't laugh when they noticed. He laughed, too, because he couldn't let them see how exhausted he was. He thinks, nobody noticed, but some knew he was overworking his body and mind. Some realized he'd never ask for anything particular to eat, or drink, or sing, or do.
At first they thought he was a simple boy, without much ambition, but there was a night where they all gathered and talked. He was there, too, but his mind wasn't. He was so tired, so absent, and he lost weight. Jay and Jake were the first ones to notice. Jake said his baby cheeks vanished too quickly to his liking jokingly, but he was worried Jungwon wouldn't eat well. So he started watching Jungwon, and he realized. When he took the last piece of meat, that was his actually, happy and giggly, but asked everyone if they wanted it. He noticed the slight change of energy when he assured it was okay and he'd just eat ramen. And then it hits Jake. Jake doesn't think he saw Jungwon eat anything but ramen these past three weeks. He talked to Jay about it, and Jay said he'd take care of it. Jay was worried sick too, actually.
He is a deep sleeper but he wakes up often to drink water or pee. Whenever he goes out to drink he always sees Jungwon training hard on his dancing or rythm or facial expressions. Jay knew Jungwon was too hard on himself, he first didn't want to say anything until that night where he found the younger passed out on the floor, head resting on the sofa. He woke him up lightly so that Jungwon could stand up, and he lifted him to his bed. In the process, Sunghoon woke up.
"Was he passed out on the floor again?" he asks, voice rasp due to the sudden awakening.
"You knew?" Jay surprised whisper-yelling at Sunghoon.
"He said he'd stop... That he just needed to get something right and he'll come to bed."
"How long has it been ?"
"I don't know, maybe a few days or maybe a week? He works way too hard." Sunghoon finished talking, put his blanket back on his torso and fell back asleep.
Jay looked at Jungwon's sleepy face, brushed his bands and wiped the sweat off his forehead and promised himself he'd have a talk with the younger one tomorrow morning. The next day, Jungwon looked all fine. As usual, he'd laugh with everyone, he'd listen to everyone's burdens, he'd help and share food. He looked so okay that Jay thought that maybe this time he could handle it himself. So he didn't talk about it with him. He knew that if he tried Jungwon wouldn't talk about it anyway. So he just watched Jungwon from afar, making sure he'd eat what he wanted, dance what he wanted, and sing the part he wanted. He'd watch over him without Jungwon never noticing. Jay started lying, saying he is so stressed he can't fall asleep by himself so Jungwon would crawl into bed with him, where he could snuggle him and not let him go until he had enough rest. Jay praises himself, because the two next weeks Jungwon visibly was doing better. He started eating normally again, slept at a normal schedule again, and was even going to the final with him.
He wasn't dumb, though, he knew Jungwon was stressed because of how his score kept going down. So Jay did what he does best, he sat with him, cuddling him, making jokes to make him laugh. Jungwon would ask why he's so clingy, Jay would later tell him it's because he couldn't stand seeing his lifeline so upset with himself. Jungwon liked it, though, everyone started to notice the both of them getting closer with Jay watching the younger sulk from afar and Jungwon calling him to sit by his side because he needed his presence. It made sense for everyone. The i-Landers thought that if one of them didn't get into the group, the other one would be shattered. No matter who was in and who wasn't. They just knew Jungwon needed Jay as much as Jay needed Jungwon. Jungwon never said it. Too proud maybe, or too shy. Jay doesn't mind, Jay doesn't need words. He knows Jungwon needs him just by the look of his eyes, and Jungwon was the happiest when they both got called to the debut team. His first thought when the cameras were off was how grateful he was to his now teammates, but most importantly, how he would always be grateful that as long as Jay is by his side he doesn't have to say "hyung, please, help me".
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Fast forward to when Enhypen needed a leader. Jungwon felt weird when they all agreed on him. He thought, why me? Heesung hyung could do a better job. He believed, anyone could do a better job. He didn't say it, naturally. He never told anyone how he didn't think he could ever be a good team leader for enhypen and how it scared him that all that weight was suddenly put on his shoulders. But Jungwon is Jungwon, so he smiled, thanked everyone and joked around with his hyungs telling them they'll have to call him leader-nim now. To what Sunghoon scoffed and teased "okay Yang leader, we'll think about it".
He didn't know what a leader's duty was. So, as soon as he woke up the next morning and got called to the CEO's office to make important decisions for the team, Jungwon felt like suffocating. Like he was just hit by a wave of intense heat. He couldn't breathe normally the whole meeting. Gulping and nodding as answers. He didn't understand why him. He understood why it wasn't Ni-ki, he was too young. Sunoo himself said he felt like he'd be the worse option and somehow it made sense because Sunoo is very emotive. Jake said he would be fine with anything, but that again, he'd rather have someone who can control his emotions well and he didn't think he could do well at that. Jay was simply too lazy, and Sunghoon not serious enough. The only options were Heesung and him. He couldn't understand why they had to vote for it, he was young and Heesung knew better than him. Mostly, he knew if he was leader the team wouldn't listen to him and he'd feel useless.
And he saw right through it, because they're 3 days before their debut MV comes out and not once his role was taken seriously. The hyungs would always ask Heesung what to do. It's logical, he thought, eldery hierarchy. But he couldn't help feeling useless. He was there to make decisions for the team, the most important ones, the ones that will define their career, and they trusted him with that much of a power over their lives, but they never turned to him for small things anymore. If someone's hurt they ask Heesung to talk to the dance teacher, if someone doesn't like the outfits they ask Heesung to tell the stylist they want to change it. That's his role, Jungwon thought. He just wish his elders would see him as a power figure they have to listen to do well and to who they could go when they needed it.
The members laughed about it, once or twice. He himself laughed about it, "you only call me leader when this kind of thing happens" he told Sunghoon who was teasing him. So one day Heesung told everyone to rely more on Jungwon, that it was his duty as leader and that he recognized they asked him way too many things and way too little for Jungwon. They changed it, and Jungwon was happy to feel useful again. Jay realized, if Jungwon doesn't feel useful, he feels worthless. Jay knew, if people don't rely on Jungwon, then Jungwon doesn't know what he's good for. So Jay would always double check everything with Jungwon. Every single thing. To give him a sense of being useful. To make him happy. To prove him he's worth way more than what he felt. Jay doesn't know if Jungwon noticed, but he heard Jungwon on the phone with his sister once. He was saying he was tired, and taking so many decisions for seven people is making him anxious, but that he was glad his hyungs were always the same. Jay doesn't know if Jungwon means him specifically, but when Jungwon says he feels useful and that makes him feel great, Jay smiles.
The next day, Jungwon is taking his half an hour long shower, as usual, and Jay asks everyone to come to the kitchen silently. He doesn't think Jungwon knows it's him who had the idea, but Jay made everyone promise to make it easy for him. So, the next time Jungwon was called, Jake and Sunghoon told him exactly what Jungwon needed to hear, exactly what Jay asked them to say. "Jungwon, don't take the decision alone, ask them for an hour and ask us. Let's take the decisions all together! It's funnier this way."
Jungwon didn't say it, but he was grateful for them. For the first time since his role as a leader, he didn't feel lonely. He went to the office all smiley, went out all smiley, shared the question to everyone and came back with a decision they all took together, smiley.
Jay noticed, the little spark in Jungwon's eyes was never out, but it's definitely stronger than it was days before. He smiles, and that night Jungwon and Jay fell asleep together on Jungwon's bed, Jungwon holding Jay's pinky in one of his hands. Jay thought he'd never let Jungwon be hurt. As long as he'd let him, Jay is willing to give everything Jungwon needs.
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Jay didn't think it would be so hard after debuting. He knew the idol life would be rough, but he had no idea people would go all out and bad mouth them so much. They all agreed to never google themselves, to never search their names on any app except YouTube to watch their fancams in order to work on the things they'd mess up on choreos. They all agreed, but not all of them actually meant it. Jungwon had to actually google their name from time to time to give feedback to the agency about how people perceive them. He never really searched up for specific names, though, he wasn't stupid. He knew people on the internet are often mean for no reason, and he clearly didn't want to see anyone trash talk his best friends. So, when he logged into twitter and searched for Enhypen, he was surprised to find what people there call a thread : "Why Jungwon isn't a good fit for Enhypen's leader role".
He didn't want to care, he really didn't want to look, but when he saw how many retweets the tweet had, he decided to read it to be better. Jungwon regretted it soon enough, because the thread was just pure hate toward him, there was no advice, nothing he could work on, that person just clearly loved to hate him. He looked at the quote and saw people defending him, but he's a young kid and badly enough all the good words were shadowed by the few hate words he saw.
Of course, the members noticed how his smile dropped weirdly that day. Jungwon was happy and then he wasn't. They all noticed he was moody, though they believed he just didn't feel well because that's something that happened, Jay noticed how he would easily tear up at any remarks. Jungwon wasn't the type to show sadness. He hated showing negative emotions in front of everyone. Jay knew, they all knew, because they know the only person he talks to about his stress and fears is Jay. Jay never told anyone about what would ever bother Jungwon, he let Jungwon have that. Jungwon wanted them to think he was strong so that they would never baby him, so Jay would keep all that for himself. It hurt him, knowing all of Jungwon's deepest and most scattered thoughts. It hurt him knowing that behind every smile of him hides a thunderous cloud ready to explode into a torrent of self deprecation.
That day, Sunoo took him out, they went to Han river together, they laughed and ate ice cream. Jungwon was happy while it lasted, because Sunoo is so talkative he didn't get to think about all the things he read about himself. So, when late at home, when everyone was asleep except for him, Sunoo was surprised to hear noise in the kitchen. What surprised him more, was the sight of Jungwon sitting in the dark, crying, face lit up by his phone screen's light. Sunoo didn't want to intrude, so he did the only thing he could think of. He texted Jay.
"Jay hyung, it's 2 in the morning you're probably sleeping. I just finished watching a drama, and I saw Jungwon sitting in the corner of the kitchen crying. I know he won't talk to me about it. I hope you can talk to him tomorrow morning."
Jay wasn't asleep just yet, because he was actually waiting for Jungwon, so when he read the text he knew what he had to do. He put a shirt on, went out of the room to the kitchen like nothing was happening. Entering the kitchen, he saw the light of Jungwon's phone turning off, and heard sniffle. It hurt him. Jay opened the freezer, took Jungwon's favorite drink, poured it down a cup. He saw some tteokbokki left over and heated them while staying in the dark. When he finished, he went to Jungwon, sat beside him, handed him the food and the drink, a gentle smile on his face. When he looked at Jungwon's eyes, despite the dark, he could see many pain. He let Junwon take the plate, content to hear a small "thanks, hyung", because it meant Jungwon was okay to talk to him. He waited for him to eat, heart beating when Jungwon slide his hand into his. Jay drew circle on the back of Jungwon's hand and Jungwon was quietly eating. They knew too well to start talking now. The silence was comforting for the both of them. Jay noticed Jungwon glancing down at his phone, then at him, and smile slightly. Jungwon noticed Jay's eyes never left his face. They were okay with silence, because nothing was needed to be said at that exact moment. Jungwon drank his soda, promising himself to never forget of this safe feeling Jay provides him just by being by his side.
So, when he finished eating, Jungwon looked into Jay's eyes who were always on him, and he smiled. Jay smiled back. The proximity of their faces were close enough for them to see into each other's eyes, but not enough for the both of them to notice how they both looked at the other's lips at the same moment. The silence was getting tense, but not a bad tense, just tense. They could feel the air had shifted. So Jay decided to break it, before breaking something more precious.
"So," he began, "why were you crying?" he whispered.
Jungwon hesitated a few seconds, but he turned away to grab his phone, unlocked it and gave it to Jay. He smiled at the older man, but his smile was shameful, regretful, JAy couldn't really tell, but Jungwon's smile was saying something Jay didn't like. When he read what was on the phone, Jay's smile dropped, his face hardened, his eyebrows furrowed. "What is that?" he thought, scrolling quicker, reading faster.
The screen was open on the twitter search "Jungwon is a bad leader", lots of videos and pictures were there, lots of fan interpretations were popping on the screen and Jay couldn't believe his eyes. "Jungwon literally doesn't do anything more than the others, his leader role is useless lol, should've been anyone else tbh" ; "Is it me or Jungwon clearly doesn't do anything a leader is supposed to do ? idk :/ he's disappointing honestly" ; tons and tons of these types of messages were written and Jay was losing his mind. "That's not--" he started, he wanted to scream, he wanted to be angry, but when he saw the pleading in Jungwon's eyes he realized what Jungwon needed wasn't for him to be happy, but for him to tell him he was doing better than they think.
"Jungwon, was this why you were sad?" nods, "we agreed on not searching for this kind of thing tho..." so Jungwon told him, the agency told him to, asked him to, and Jay hated hybe at this moment. With all his heart he wished the building would catch on fire. He sighed, indicating to Jungwon to sit in between his thighs, facing him. Jungwon did, and they were close, so close that Jay could hear his breathing very accurately. He had to concentrate badly not to lurk on Jungwon's lips.
"You know none of us think that way, right? None of us, not the members, not the staff, not the agency. They don't know what we know, they don't see what we see. You're doing amazing Jungwon. Don't listen to them, they don't know you like I do, they have no idea of what they're talking about." Jay paused when he realized Jungwon's eyes were watering, lip wobbling. "Listen, I honestly don't think anyone else could've done it as perfectly as you do. SURE I love Heesung hyung but come on, he has no sense of leadership. If he wasn't the eldest no one would go to him that much. Respectfully he'd suck at being a leader. You're doing more than amazing, everyone in the team is happy the way it is, everyone in the team is thankful for you. You know how Ni-ki is always saying he's better than you at everything? It's because he WANTS to be as good as you at everything you do. You inspire him, us. You inspire us. I love you Jungwon please don't mind these..." and Jay doesn't know what he said, but Jungwon's eyes were wide open, his mouth opened in shock, his tears falling down.
As Jay was wiping Jungwon's cheeks, he could feel Jungwon's wide open eyes on him. He felt like he was on fire. He was so busy looking into Jungwon's eyes, he didn't catch what the other said. 'Hm?' he questioned. "You... Love me?". Jay froze. He clearly didn't mean to out himself like this. Nervously laughing, he explained himself. "Well, yeah, I love you, WE, we love you, you're amazing and we're lucky to have you. Of course we love you.." Jungwon stopped crying, his face was now shifting to something Jay recognized as fondness. Jungwon giggled, played a little with Jay's collar, putting back a piece of hair before cupping his face. "I... love you too, hyung" he whispered, slowly closing the gap between their faces, gently putting his wet lips on Jay's.
Jungwon's lips tasted like tears and tteokbokki and cherry. Jay's lips tasted like toothpaste and coconut lip balm. Quickly registering that he was being kissed by Jungwon, his Jungwon, Jay closed his eyes and kissed back. It was soft and lovely and full of feelings Jungwon never talks about. Jay felt like he was dreaming and didn't want to wake up, ever. Jungwon was now fully sitting on Jay's lap, kissing him passionately. Now and then, their nose would bump, and Jungwon's breath would get stuck, so he often had to pull back to take his breath. Jay thought breathless Jungwon with red plump lips making inaudible breathing sounds was maybe his favorite thing in the world now. Jay decided he would never live a day without kissing Jungwon from now on. As for today, Jungwon stopped himself, putting their foreheads together, breathing heavily. "Someone.. could come and we'd be in trouble.." he shyly told Jay who answered with a simple "mh" followed by a smile.
Jungwon didn't look at any tweets by himself following that day. The members decided to cast it on TV and read it all together. They had the funniest nights those days, but also the most emotive ones. Jungwon was happy when he saw the members sulking and comforting each other, happy to be able to witness it with his hand under the blanket holding Jay's. He promised himself he'd never let go.