Work Text:
it wasn't until 8 and a half years had passed that the topic was brought back up, and this time not by harry. Harry had devoted himself to teaching defense at the auror academy, after passing it himself and deciding field work wasn't really where he wanted to go. Hermione had been the one to suggest teaching again as he'd proven himself quite adept in fifth year.
Harry had been approached by witches and wizards alike, asking for a drink or dinner together. While he never turned anyone well meaning down, half out of hope that he'd find someone and half out of hope that Sirius might finally notice, they usually didn't make it past a few dates. nothing worth making a fuss about among his friends.
he didn't think his growing hopelessness about finding someone worth settling down with was noticeable to Sirius but apparently he was wrong. It was Friday night, his next class wouldn't begin until the end of the holidays, and instead of going out for a drink with someone or over to the Weasley's to celebrate, like a happily single man, Harry was sitting in a lounge chair in his living room, staring at a spot of pink and green on the far wall.
it was all that remained of the less than helpful hand Sirius had lent a few years back when he first moved into the cottage. Harry had come home from grocery shopping to find the entire living room an assortment of green and silver. naturally, harry had retaliated, and within minutes the room was a rainbow of awful splotches of paint. Luckily, some of it managed to hit Sirius though and harry began to fix the room, leaving the one blend of colors on an otherwise empty wall. he'd not been sure what to put there as all his pictures were already in place. at least now he had his housewarming gift from Sirius.
The fireplace turned green in that moment and Harry looked over lethargically only to see Sirius' head appear. "Hullo Harry. not out with your friends this evening to celebrate?"
"No, I decided to have a quiet dinner this time. It's not the first class I've taught and it won't be the last. no reason to make a fuss." Harry would never admit it to anyone, least of all sirius, but it had become painful being near him over the years. Not all the time of course, and Harry couldn't have taken himself away from Sirius if he tried, but sometimes harry just really wanted to be alone.
he'd been dating for years and absolutely nothing had come of it except a longing for something more, an actual connection to someone besides friendship, and the crippling feeling that he might never actually find it. he had plenty of friends, friends from his school days, friends from work, students that adored him, and a godfather who, well loved him as well of course but- harry was just tired.
he didn't think he'd be going out for drinks or dinners anymore. maybe he'd get a dog. that'd make Sirius laugh. he'd joke about harry finding a replacement, harry would laugh, they'd move on. he couldn't help but wonder if Sirius didn't feel lonely as well though. as far as harry knew there'd been no one serious since before his days in Azkaban and harry wondered if it wasn't because he was content like he was or that he too was lonely. the two had been silent for awhile but Sirius was still in the fire. "hey Siri, are you busy?"
"Never too busy for you Harry. what's up?"
"Would you like to come over? I've got some steak and pasta left over if you want. if you don't have other plans of course. you shouldn't put your life on hold just because i'm melodramatic."
"of course I will, I would never turn down an offer of steak!" Harry snorted lightly as Sirius' head disappeared from the flames for a minute before he appeared in his entirety, brushing dust off his robes. "now-" he smiled at harry and brushed his hands together. "where's the food? I'm starving." Harry couldn't help but smile at that and he got up, setting the book he hadn't been reading down on the table and walking into his kitchen. it wasn't large, as Harry never entertained many guests, but it was still his most used room in the house. he may not be the greatest cook but he was certainly self sufficient and Mrs. Weasley had taught him enough in the past few years to get by just fine.
he put the steak and pasta in small pans to reheat, and turned to face Sirius who leaned against the counter looking at the growing list of holiday cards harry had been receiving. He smiled up at harry but it seemed distracted, like he was lost in thought. Harry let the silence flow, at least he was enjoying Sirius' company right now without any feelings of angst. When the food was warm he plated it and brought it to the table, Sirius trailing behind a moment later.
he ate silently, looking up every once in awhile to smile at harry when he noticed him staring, but he didn't talk. When he was done harry took his plate wordlessly and rinsed it off in the sink. he turned to walk back to the living room only to find Sirius now pacing, looking even more overwrought that he had previously. Harry sighed, his chest clenching slightly in worry as he walked towards the man who clearly didn't have good news to share. "Sirius?" when he didn't answer Harry stepped closer. "Sirius? is something wrong?"
Wide eyes looked up to meet Harry's, and he frowned. "Sirius no one's hurt are they? What's going on?"
"What? no everyone's ok. I'm ok, let's just go sit down." he sat on the chair opposite Harry's. the farthest he could possibly sit while in the same room, Harry thought as he walked past to his own chair. following the trend of the evening he sat quietly, fidgeting with his hands before he conjured his snitch and messed with that. After nearly 20 minutes of radio silence harry had about lost his wits when suddenly Sirius spoke up.
"Harry are you happy?"
"Uh, sure. of course I am. I mean I've got a great job, a nice home, all of you guys to keep me company. nothing to complain about really I suppose."
Sirius looked down, letting out a breath before smiling up at Harry. "Sirius what's wrong. you've been weird since you got here. is there something you need to say?"
"No, nothing Harry. I just- I was just wondering is all. I mean you're doing so well, I'm really proud of you. I know Lily and James would be too." he smiled weakly and looked over at the fireplace.
Harry had no idea what Sirius meant to say but he knew it wasn't that. he seemed really uncomfortable and harry wished he didn't, but he couldn't help thinking it was his fault for some reason. "Siri you're clearly not ok right now. is it- is it me? are you-" no, he's not mad. he can't be mad I've not done anything. "did I do something wrong?"
Sirius chuckled at that, looking back down at his hands. "I think this one's on me Harry."
"Well then, what is it? what's 'on you'? why can't you tell me?"
"Harry…" Sirius was staring resolutely at his hands now, or maybe a spot on the rug. Harry didn't care. he was getting a bit annoyed at the moment. Sirius could be thoughtful and solemn when he needed to be. he was far more mature and introspective than most gave him credit for but harry knew it was only the way Sirius protected himself. he didn't mind.
he was, however, very annoyed right now. he was trying to enjoy his evening upon realizing that he might just grow old alone when, low and behold, the man he accidentally fell a bit in love with years ago shows up not only acting weird but acting closed off as well. after everything they've been through together, everything about their pasts they've shared, Sirius has the nerve to sit in his living room and stew about something, that clearly has to do with harry, that he won't even admit.
Harry knows it's completely irrational and on any other day he would enjoy the comfortable silence, letting Sirius work through whatever he needed before he found the right words. he would do the same for him. but now Harry was tired, his heart was worn out, and he didn't even have the excuse of preparing for lessons tomorrow or grading quizzes. maybe he should just go on holiday for once. see the world. get out of here, out of his head.
"is that what you want?" Sirius' voice was quiet but harry still jumped.
"what?"
"is that what would make you happy? going on holiday? away from everything, everyone, here?" so Harry had apparently mumbled that last bit a little too loudly. great. it wasn't even what he really wanted, no. but what was he supposed to say? 'no Siri I just wanna spend it with you. spend every single day with you but i can't do that because no matter how many years pass you'll never look at me twice, you'll never see me as more than the one whose nappies you used to change. and that's fine, I just have to learn to live with it.'
Harry sighed. "I don't know Siri. Im just-" he was tired, honestly. to his core, he just felt exhausted. it had nothing to do with his job, he loved going to work every single day, making a difference. preventing the next dark wizard from rising. but this thing that sometimes happened between him and Sirius? he was tired of it. it never went anywhere, it was just this weird tension before Sirius was back to his normal self. "I think I'm gonna call it a night. you can stay on the couch if you don't want to go back home. or just- whenever you'd like to leave. I don't know."
harry was almost to the stairs when-
"Harry I think I'm in love with you." and what? Harry wasn't sure he wanted to turn around but he couldn't help it. he just stared, uncomprehendingly, at Sirius. was this a joke? or did Sirius just feel bad about something and this was his sick way of trying to appease Harry, before letting him down gently of course? Harry's eyes flashed and he briefly contemplated slapping him before he decided against it. instead he turned and went up the stairs, straight to his room before shutting his door with a slightly annoyed swipe of his hand.
Harry's mind was blank, no complete thoughts running through his head. all he felt was a growing ache in his chest and his throat closing up. annoyance at Sirius' continued antics, hopefulness that maybe it was the truth, and tiredness with his childish beliefs. he wished he had muggle paracetamol for his head that was beginning to throb. he could hear when Sirius finally walked up the stairs, he knew he was pacing outside his door, probably wondering if he should knock or just come in, but harry didn't move. he sat in the window nook, head against the cool window, eyes closed, and hands squeezing the blanket under him.
he'd gotten good at clearing his mind eventually, and once he did, he took advantage of the meditative state it brought him as much as possible when his head gave him any problems with reality. he was trying to go there now, when Sirius finally opened the door softly. he peaked in, checking to see if any hexes would be sent his way, before entering the room completely. he walked over, kneeling in front of harry and paused slightly before putting his hand on Harry's knee. Harry looked then, actively trying to keep the emotions disturbing his meditation at bay.
"harry i'd love to know what's going through your head right now but maybe I should finish my piece first. I didn't exactly bring it up in the best way" sirius smiled weakly but Harry's non-reaction quickly saw it fall. "Harry I'm sorry for how I brought it up, if I surprised you I mean, but it is the truth. it's not exactly something I was aiming for but for some reason I can't bring myself to regret it."
"anyway, it doesn't matter cos you don't need an old man like me weighing you down when you've spread your wings to fly. you've got everything you need, and you'll always have me to cheer you on, if you want."
Sirius sat there patiently, or as patiently as he could manage, but when harry didn't answer he started to worry. "harry? i guess I probably shouldn't have said anything. I'm an idiot aren't I? I know you're parents are probably furious with me right about now. they'll definitely be hexing me when I die."
"do you mean it then?" Harry whispered. he still wasn't looking in Sirius' eyes.
"every single bit, Harry. I swear I wouldn't lie to you. I don't even think it's possible." Harry looked down at him then, and Sirius reached his other hand up slowly, gently, to rest on Harry's cheek. "I love you Harry. Merlin help me but I do. So much that I can't even figure out how to say it without making a fool of myself but then, would I really be Sirius Black if I didn't absolutely muck up every good thing in my life?"
Harry frowned then, placing both hands on Sirius' face. "I do too. love you, I mean." he flushed slightly in frustration before speaking again with a stronger voice. "I love you too. I've sorta loved you for awhile actually... but I guess you knew that huh?"
"so maybe I didn't entirely muck this up then yeah?"
Sirius smiled and Harry muttered, "no not entirely. though I did about slap you. aren't you just lucky I like your face too much to want to cause it harm?" he smiled innocently down at Sirius who scoffed before wrapping his arms around Harry, pulling him into a hug. he breathed deeply in Harry's stomach, enjoying the peace he finally felt and the hand running through his hair lightly.