Work Text:
Combat, I'm ready for combat
I say I don't want that, but what if I do?
Matt Murdock was never one to back down from a fight. If anything, he ran to them. He tried to reason with himself for years that he was fighting to make his city a better place, but that was not the whole truth. He loved his city, and he would sacrifice himself if it meant protecting the people of Hell’s Kitchen whom he cared for so dearly.
The part of the truth that haunted him was that he found relief in combat. Letting the devil out on bad people helped him control the anger deep inside him.
He wanted Hell’s Kitchen to be a safe place, but he knew it would never truly be free from corruption. This troubled him, but it also was a comfort. He didn’t know what he would do if there was nothing to fight against. Who was he without opposition? He didn’t want good people to get hurt, but he did not want to stop fighting. Did that make him a bad person? He wasn’t sure. With evil ever present and people to protect, he was comforted knowing he would always be needed.
Matt desired the feeling of being needed. It was something he had found in Daredevil that he never had or never allowed himself to have in personal relationships. His mother left him. His dad was murdered. Stick left him and treated him poorly whenever he was present. Elektra left him and came back just to die in his arms. He had tried to push Foggy and Karen away. If he wasn’t the one being left, he was the one trying to leave. He had never grown up when it came to relationships. The way he dealt with those he cared for was immature and he knew it, but it was a defense mechanism that he could not eliminate.
Easy they come, easy they go
I jump from the train, I ride off alone
I never grew up, it's getting so old
Then you came along.
You came into his life at a time he did not expect. He was not at his worst or his best. He was lost in a routine just as you pulled the rug out from under him and knocked him off balance. It was a welcomed change. Matt never knew what to do in times of peace. Peace made him feel hollow.
You and your witty quips that you threw at him brought out his competitive nature. You kept him on his toes, and he liked that. Matt felt like he had met his equal match.
Your relationship with Matt started out as something like intellectual sparing partners. It was fun and silly and a breath of fresh air. That led to a friendship filled with banter that effortlessly evolved into flirting. None of this scared Matt. Even when your relationship officially became romantic, he was not worried.
Fear set in when he realized how deeply he cared for you. That he loved you.
Slowly over days, weeks, and months, he had gotten comfortable with you. He had gotten used to having you around without even noticing. When he finally realized this, he knew something had to change. He could not handle peace or comfort. It felt like calm before the storm. After all, what comes up must eventually come down. You would soon leave him as others had. Nothing as good as your relationship would endure his reckless way of life.
I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost
The room is on fire, invisible smoke
Matt could not sleep, thinking too much about what to do next. He paced back and forth in his living room running through different things he might say to you. In his mind, it was only a matter of time until you left, so he would rather rip the bandage off now before he becomes any more attached. He didn’t want to hurt you, but he had to say something that would finish this.
Later that same morning he left to go to your apartment. He had decided at least on a Plan A.
He hadn’t seen you in a couple of days, partly because he had been trying to figure out his next move and partly because he had been beaten up to the point where he didn’t have a believable lie to feed you.
As clever as you were, you had not found out he was Daredevil yet, and he had not told you. That was all about to change.
To be honest, he was not sure how you were going to react. Everyone in his life who had found out had different responses, so he was banking on what he did know. He knew he had been lying to you for months. He knew you were in danger by being in a relationship with him. He knew you did not sign up for any of this when you entered the relationship. He also knew he was a really good lawyer who could make a rather persuasive argument out of these facts.
So here he was, knocking at your door noticeably injured and carrying a bag with a horned mask inside it.
“We need to talk.” The sentence shoots out of his mouth as you ushered him inside.
He had his glasses on to hide the many emotions he felt about the upcoming conversation. He needed a little barrier for this.
“What happened to you?” you say, grabbing his face without a second thought.
Matt reached up to grab your hands and gently removed them from his face.
“I have something I need to tell you.”
There on your couch he made his case. He told you all about his alternate identity and showed you the mask.
“I would have told you sooner if it wasn’t so dangerous for you to know.”
“So why tell me now?” you ask.
“So you can leave before you’re in too deep. You can walk away now and save yourself a lot of pain down the road.”
“How do you know there is pain down the road?”
“Because there always is. Whether it is cruel heartbreak or premature death, being someone I care for never ends well. The stakes are only going up from here, so it makes sense to not delay leaving when it is inevitably coming soon.”
“What makes you so sure our relationship is going to end soon? What about Foggy and Karen? Are they leaving soon too, or do you just have no faith in me?”
“Foggy and Karen have both been severely hurt by involving themselves with me. Near death on too many occasions. They have also both left me for a time and for good reason. I don’t know how long I have with them before they leave or die because of me, but I know I will be inconsolable when it happens. And I do not want that to be your fate too. I- I cannot handle that on top of everyone else.”
“Who else, Matt?” you ask.
I've been the archer,
I've been the prey
And he tells you about each one of the people who had already left him in some manner. Some of this you had picked up on over your time together, but many of the details had not been brought to the light.
Can you see right through me?
These stories made it even easier to see through Matt. He was trying to leave before you left him. He was disguising it as sparing you, which you were sure was part of the truth, but he was also trying to spare himself the pain that he knew all too well. He did not want to be left again, but he didn’t see why anyone would stay.
I've been the archer
I've been the prey
Who could ever leave me, darling?
But who could stay?
You had been sitting opposite of him per his choice of seat, but your next move would require you to be closer. As you sat down beside him, you reached up and removed his glasses. You knew why he was wearing them, but you were a little surprised when you looked into his eyes.
Who could stay?
Those blind eyes always held emotion. Right now, they were glistening with unshed tears. They seemed to hold a cry for help. He had just been very vulnerable with you and now you had taken away his last line of defense. He was waiting for you to strike the final blow, anxiously anticipating the end, but his eyes also showed he did not really want that. He wanted you to stay even if he believed it would only hurt him worse later.
Help me hold onto you
“You just dropped a lot of information on me, and I’m grateful for it, but if that was meant to run me off, you failed,” you say and cup one of his cheeks before continuing. “Heartbreak and dying are a part of any life. So maybe you attract more of it than others. I know you would die for the people you care about, so why won’t you accept that they would be willing to die for you? Just because they care about you. If it only means they get to love you a little while longer. The love you so fiercely give is worth staying for. People need that love, and it is so easy to reciprocate. So, breaking news, Murdock, there are people that love you too, and, if I haven’t given you enough clues, I am one of those people. I love you, and it is a privilege to love you. So yeah, I’m staying.”
Who could stay?
You could stay
When you finished speaking, you felt water rolling on to your hand that was still on Matt’s cheek. You looked up to find that Matt was definitely crying, and this sight made your eyes watery too. You stroked his cheek with your thumb as you gave him the chance to respond.
“I’m not really sure what to say,” he starts, but you interrupt to make it easier for him to let it out.
“Matt Murdock is speechless? Miracles do happen.”
“Of course you would stop me from professing my undying love for you by bullying me. Way to kill the movie moment,” Matt joked.
“I thought you didn’t know what to say?” you teased as you pulled your hand back down to your lap, wiping away the last of his tears with the motion.
“Yeah, well, I was getting there,” he sassed back. He paused for a moment before reaching both of his hands up to your face.
“I love you. Thank you for seeing through my bullshit and staying.”
Matt still had doubts, but you helped him work through each one as they came up. You were truly his equal match.
Maybe it is ok to have some peace, and maybe it’s also ok to be ready for combat without having to constantly be at war. Prepared but not always conflicted. There could be a time for highs and lows. Both were a natural part of life. Sometimes they came in waves, and other times they crashed down all at once. Even if it was a risk to invite another person into every aspect of his life, his life was exponentially better with you there to love him and remind him that he would always be worth staying for.