Work Text:
Zhan Zheng Xi has always thought that Jian Yi was cute.
When they were children and in primary school he thought that he was cute in a way that you might think of a sad, lost puppy. Always by himself, with big tears in his eyes that spilled over onto his too red cheeks.
After they had become friends, he became cute in an ‘always laughing, a little too loud, and trying to get his attention every second that Zhan Zheng Xi dared look away from his friend’ kind of way.
Small and shy, with soft blonde hair that framed his delicate face. A small button nose, and huge blue eyes that shined brightly.
His cute puppy dog looks didn’t make him any less annoying, though.
Once they entered middle school things began to change.
Jian Yi grew taller, more slender. A sort of lithe body type that caught the attention of both boys and girls. Zhan Zheng Xi tried not to pay attention to the way people watched his best friend. The way they watched the two of them together.
It was hard, because even he could admit that Jian Yi was growing up handsome.
Zhan Zheng Xi tried not to feel jealousy. What was the point in it? Jian Yi was his best friend, who paid no attention to anyone who looked his way beyond casual greetings and class work.
It was harder after Jian Yi’s confession. Not in the way that his feelings made their relationship (or lack of) hard. More that Zhan Zheng Xi began understanding the feelings he was feeling were not simply platonic ones anymore.
He began to wonder if his feelings were ever the platonic type.
Besides Jian Yi, Zhan Zheng Xi had never had that close of a friend. He had acquaintances, classmates, his sister and his family. He had never given much thought to how he felt toward Jian Yi before he confessed.
Of course he cared for him. Of course he loved him. But he thought that his feelings were natural. They felt that way. Growing up, and growing into his feelings.
It was natural for them to always be together. Natural for their physical closeness, never noticing how his classmates didn’t hang off each other in the way he and Jian Yi did until he caught wind of the whispers behind their backs.
Natural the way he wanted to spend every day with Jian Yi forever, never even thinking of an alternative.
He Tian came into their lives in a way that Zhan Zheng Xi wasn’t expecting. Forcing his way into their friendship, but not between them. Becoming friends with He Tian made Zhan Zheng Xi realize that he didn’t feel that way about He Tian, didn’t want him or love him the way he did for Jian Yi.
In fact in the beginning, watching He Tian tease and touch Jian Yi so casually made Zhan Zheng Xi’s gut curl unpleasantly. Jealousy, again. Every time the feeling was cured, when Jian Yi turned to him as if He Tian didn’t matter in the slightest when Zhan Zheng Xi was involved.
He Tian was always a second, while Zhan Zheng Xi forever Jian Yi’s first.
It’s with He Tian’s unintentional help that Zhan Zheng Xi re-evaluates his feelings for Jian Yi. Deciding that while he never experienced a crush on his friend the way other children did. Didn’t feel the way that movies made it seem, falling in love. He must have fallen for Jian Yi years ago, unknowingly, too wrapped up in his orbit to differentiate between what was developing and what was normal.
Zhan Zheng Xi had simply skipped past the bubbling nervousness of a crush, the rose tinted glasses of beginning love, and straight into the calm and familiarity of domestic love of a relationship that is many years old.
He does not know how to explain this to Jian Yi.
Two things happen after Jian Yi confesses that make Zhan Zheng Xi think he does not have time to waste, waiting for the right words to express his feelings.
Jian Yi is kidnapped. It is an awful event that leaves Zhan Zheng Xi feeling alone for the first time in his life. Two days of nervous waiting, hardly sleeping and barely eating. The only comfort he has is He Tian, standing calmly beside him like a rock in the ocean.
‘There are people looking for him. The best of the best. He will be found.’
He refuses to elaborate, but like Jian Yi, sometimes there are moments when He Tian stands by himself and a look passes on his face that speaks of another life full of secrets that Zhan Zheng Xi will never be able to understand. He decides to believe him, and true to his word Jian Yi is back in his life like a wrecking ball.
He asks him the night of his return. He has to know. Does Jian Yi truly want him the way he has always, or thought he had always had him?
Jian Yi shakes and he cries, his bright blue eyes shining with tears, but full of determination.
‘Yes, it is only you.’
Zhan Zheng Xi needs to find the words to tell him.
The second incident is the complete opposite of the first. No one is in danger and it frankly feels ridiculous.
Jian Yi poses for a picture for the music club.
The post flies around the school. Igniting boys and girls to flock around Jian Yi like he is a celebrity. It is annoying and makes the familiar feeling of jealousy bubble in him again. Only calmed when, without fail, Jian Yi rejects the advances one after another.
The photo also makes his gut twist in another way entirely. It’s sort of embarrassing that it takes this long for Zhan Zheng Xi to look at his best friend from this angle. He has always thought of Jian Yi as cute, and even handsome a few times during their middle school days.
But it isn’t until Jian Yi poses for that photo that Zhan Zheng Xi thinks his friend looks hot.
Zhan Zheng Xi doesn’t know what to do about the way his blood heats up when he thinks about it. Or the way he starts to notice the way Jian Yi begins twisting his hair up in pretty buns, brushing his bangs back when he laughs with his long, and slender fingers.
He is a teenager, going through puberty. He can’t be blamed for his hormones, but he also feels like an idiot that it has taken this long for him to see what’s always been right in front of him.
They go swimming, Jian Yi takes off his shirt and it’s so stupid . Zhan Zheng Xi has seen him naked plenty of times before, but this time it’s different. He watches Jian Yi take a popsicle and hold it between his teeth, like an animal, and smile up at him with his eyes sparkling like the water.
They go hiking again, during a hot weekend. Jian Yi complains like he always does, but Zhan Zheng Xi is too distracted by the way sweat drips down his temple and into the collar of his shirt to tell him to shut up. Jian Yi pulls the bottom of his shirt up to wipe at his forehead, exposing his stomach. Zhan Zheng Xi has to tear his eyes away from the way he can see the top of Jian Yi’s underwear poking out from his pants.
They are playing basketball with Mo Guan Shan and He Tian, and Jian Yi leans into his space, like he always does, to whisper in his ear. Some stupid plan to win the game, but he doesn’t hear him because he is too distracted by the way his hot breath feels against his ear.
It is all so embarrassing.
Zhan Zheng Xi needs to find the words to tell him.
Jian Yi is walking in front of him, waving his hands around telling a story from his day. It’s after school and they are walking together to Jian Yi’s apartment to watch a movie and spend the night.
The sun is dipping lower in the sky, making the light seem of a more orange hue. It bounces off of Jian Yi’s hair and face, framing him in a rather beautiful way that has Zhan Zheng Xi breathless.
Jian Yi has his hair in a bun again, this time tied up with a hair tie that one of their classmates gave him, a silly pink thing with short ribbons and heart buttons on the ends. She had been giving them as gifts to a few of the other girls in class, and caught Jian Yi’s eye as they watched the girls giggle in joy.
‘Here, Jian Yi, you can have one too.’ She handed him one with a bright genuine smile and Jian Yi couldn’t say no, poorly hiding his own excitement to be involved, immediately taking out his plain black tie in favor of the gift.
Now in the afternoon sun, outside of the classroom and essentially alone with Zhan Zheng Xi on a mostly empty street does he think it suits him. The bright and happy colors, the hearts on a boy full of life and love to the point of bursting.
Jian Yi turns around to him, walking backwards without care, still speaking with his eyes so light and wide open, sparkling. His expression shifts from a grin to a concerned twitch of his eyebrows and Zhan Zheng Xi realizes he’s stopped in his tracks to admire Jian Yi.
He looks away from Jian Yi’s eyes, down the slope of his nose and to the soft shapes of his lips. They are parted slightly, the shape of Zhan Zheng Xi’s name leaving them in a whisper.
The kiss from the night that Jian Yi confessed to him had been his first and only kiss. It wasn’t something that he was expecting, and he honestly never gave much thought to kissing before that moment, but here and now Zhan Zheng Xi wonders if it would be different. To kiss Jian Yi, in the open, with both of them willing.
Would his lips be as soft as they look? He can’t remember what it felt like to kiss him before, too caught up in the surprise of it all. Would it be dry? Wet? Would he be bad at it? Would they even be able to tell what’s good or bad if they never kissed anyone else before?
Zhan Zheng Xi’s hands itch and he wants to run his fingers through Jian Yi’s blonde hair. To feel the soft locks under his fingers, like he did and has done before, but with purpose this time just to feel it and no other reason.
Jian Yi had taken off his school uniform jacket and tied it around his waist as they left school, which is where it rests now. Tempting Zhan Zheng Xi with the simple white undershirt of his uniform. A few of the buttons undone and part of his collarbone exposed. He wants to wrap his arms around Jian Yi’s waist and put his head on his shoulder. He wants to bury his nose in Jian Yi’s neck and smell the scent of him. He wants to lift up his head and whisper in Jian Yi’s ear like Jian Yi had done at basketball, and tickle him with his breath so that Jian Yi gets embarrassed and turns that pretty shade of red.
He wants and wants and wants.
He needs to find the words to tell him.
“Jian Yi.”
“Yeah?” Jian Yi steps toward him, until they are close enough that he brushes against him with the movement before steadying himself less than a foot away. Probably too close for other friends, but for them it is normal .
“What’s wrong?” Jian Yi asks him when he can’t find his words. “Did I make you mad? Sorry.” He’s referring to his story that Zhan Zheng Xi wasn’t listening to, but his face is mischievous, not sorry at all.
Zhan Zheng Xi is helplessly charmed.
“Jian Yi.” He repeats, and Jian Yi hums at him, waiting. They look at each other for a moment, and Zhan Zheng Xi feels frustrated, why can’t he find the words?
He turns his head away to look at the sidewalk, trying to think. He can see Jian Yi’s shoes directly in front of him, the same pair he has worn for months. Scuff marks on both and glitter glue from an after school art class he went to weeks ago on one, Jian Yi too lazy to try and clean it.
Zhan Zheng Xi’s heart clenches.
Suddenly, Jian Yi’s face is in his vision again. Jian Yi crouching down, comically, trying to meet his eye, concerned look on his face with none of the previous teasing.
“Zhan Xixi?”
He feels Jian Yi’s hand grab at his own, a comforting grip and his eyes follow Jian Yi as he straightens up again, their gazes locked.
“What’s wrong?” Jian Yi asks again, pulling his wobbling lower lip between his teeth in a nervous habit. It’s too distracting.
Zhan Zheng Xi steps a little closer to him, reaching up with his free hand to thumb Jian Yi’s lip free. Clearly this move surprises Jian Yi, and he feels him stop breathing, going statue still.
“Jian Yi,” Zhan Zheng Xi meets his gaze head on, “Can I kiss you?”
It wasn’t what he meant to say at all, but the rush of breath on his hand that is still on Jian Yi’s mouth and cheek and the immediate way his blue eyes start to shine, wet with unshed tears tells him that it might have been the wrong thing to say. He goes to pull back, but stops when Jian Yi speaks.
“Do you really want to?” It comes out choked, and when the words move his mouth against Zhan Zheng Xi’s thumb it draws his attention like a shock. His lips are trembling, when he lightly brushes his thumb across them. Soft.
There is a wetness on his hand, and he realizes that the tears in Jian Yi’s eyes started to spill over, colliding on one side of his cheek with Zhan Zheng Xi’s palm. He gently pulls his other hand free from Jian Yi’s and brings it up to the other cheek, using both to wipe away the tears.
“Yeah.” He really, really wants to kiss him, “Can I?”
He leaned in without realizing, the two of them so close now that their bodies are touching, and Jian Yi has reached up his hands to rest on his sides, barely there pressure. All he can see is Jian Yi’s pretty face, wet blue eyes, and cheeks flushed pink from crying.
“Yeah.” It’s barely a whisper, and more of a croak, but it’s a yes.
Zhan Zheng Xi barely remembers to move his thumb out of the way before he is brushing his lips against Jian Yi’s. It’s chaste, and nothing like the kiss they shared before. This time it’s soft, and slow. Slightly salty from tears, but it’s nice.
They bump noses as they try and adjust, but then there’s a new angle and it’s perfect. He can feel Jian Yi breath against his lips, making them tingle and his heart flips.
Jian Yi moves his arms around him to pull him closer, fisting his hands into his shirt, hugging him tightly. Zhan Zheng Xi moves his hands back into Jian Yi’s hair, finally feeling the soft bangs and the ribbons from the hair tie between his fingers. He is sure the bun will be ruined, but he doesn’t really care.
They kiss for a while, but then there is a sound of people laughing and talking loudly from a couple blocks away, around the corner and Zhan Zheng Xi remembers rather abruptly that they are outside in the open.
He finds that he doesn’t care, not really what people think of him and Jian Yi anymore. They wouldn’t understand them, and it wouldn’t be worth it to try and make them understand. Jian Yi is the only one who matters, anyway.
Still, he pulls away. Not really interested in anyone seeing Jian Yi like this, vulnerable and intimate. Even as he thinks it he feels a bit jealous, and then feels stupid because it’s an imaginary scenario.
Jian Yi hasn’t opened his eyes yet, lips still parted slightly and Zhan Zheng Xi wants to kiss him again.
“Jian Yi, I like you.”
Blue eyes snap open, and there are fresh tears for him to wipe away. Jian Yi hugs him tighter and for a moment Zhan Zheng Xi thinks they might melt together into one being with how close they are.
He thinks that he wouldn’t mind it. Being one with Jian Yi.
“I like you, too.” Jian Yi croaks back, overcome with emotion. Squeezes his eyes shut and ducks his head between Zhan Zheng Xi’s shoulder and neck.
They stand like that for a few minutes. Jian Yi crying and Zhan Zheng Xi holding him, rubbing circles against his back. The voices fade away, going down a different street and he feels grateful to not have to let go just yet.
“Jian Yi,” He leans down slightly to whisper in his ear, “Let’s go now, okay? We should get to your house. Your mom might get worried.”
“Okay,” Jian Yi rubs his face back and forth on Zhan Zheng Xi’s shoulder, using his shirt to wipe the tears from his face. The action should annoy him, but it just feels so cute that he can’t quite find it in himself to care.
Jian Yi steps back, away from him and his face is pink and still a little wet, but so beautiful. Then he gives him a small smile, so gentle and genuine that Zhan Zheng Xi knows what he feels in that moment is love.
The romantic kind of love.
But to Zhan Zheng Xi it just feels normal.