Chapter Text
the last thing min yoongi remembers before waking up was pain.
he remembers the bathtub and how the red seeped into the water. he remembers the jagged razor that wouldn’t fucking cut straight.
he remembers laughing and crying at the same time.
he remembers how calm he felt, despite the pain.
it wasn’t easy to slit your own wrists, however simple it may seem. you had to dig deep with each slice and you had to remain determined despite your entire body begging you to stop.
and yoongi was nothing if not determined.
which is why, he doesn’t get it, when he wakes up in a bed, gauze on both forearms, and an IV dripping into him from the side of his bed. he must be on morphine because he feels no pain.
not physically at least.
his heart tightens in his chest when he realizes what all this means - he was in the hospital. no doubt the doctors had contacted his family who, no doubt, were contacting a residential treatment center as he lies there.
he knew the drill by now - he would be declared unable to make his own medical decisions and they would get to ship him off to a center riddled with fucked up people like him and stupid doctors who wanted to talk about feelings.
just as yoongi considers ripping out his IV and jumping out the window, the door opens and a woman walks in. she must be a nurse, judging by her blue uniform and kind eyes.
“you’re awake, yoongi-ssi,” she smiles warmly. “you gave your parents quite the scare.”
refraining from rolling his eyes, yoongi replies, “well, it wasn’t exactly my plan for them to see.”
the nurse shakes her head a little. “yoongi-ssi, do you understand the severity of your situation?”
yoongi doesn’t bother replying - she would probably tell him anyway.
“you nearly died. your father had to carry you from your apartment and to the car whilst you were bleeding out. a few minutes later and it would have been too late. they would have found their son dead.”
yoongi feels tears pool in his eyes, and looks away from the nurse so she couldn’t see how her words affected him. he had just wanted it to be over.
“i don't mean to upset you, but you are so young . you have a lot left to live for. we aren’t going to let you go this easily.”
she leaves the room with those words and yoongi lets his tears fall.
his parents visit a few hours later and yoongi’s heart breaks slightly when he feels his mother's arms around him and his father's hand on his shoulder. they weren’t the best parents, but he knew they loved him.
“min yoongi, what on earth were you thinking?”
with a sigh, yoongi looks at his mother. “you know what i was thinking.”
shame fills her shoulders as she looks down. “sweetie, i thought that treatment center last year had helped? you were doing so well.”
ah yes, the infamous treatment center back in daegu. yoongi got admitted after a serious hospital stay due to malnutrition and severe injuries. they referred him to their local residential treatment and he was forced to fake smiles and keep his scars where others couldn't see them for 3 months before they let him out.
then his parents shipped him back to seoul and gave him one of their many apartments to stay in whilst he went back to school. they checked up on him sometimes, his mother often came by with groceries and his father collected his bills.
yoongi knew, however, they were happy to finally have a “normal” son they didn’t need to constantly worry about. they were happy to get back to work and resume building their steadily growing real estate empire.
“guess your money didn’t fix me after all.” yoongi retorts bitterly.
they must not have heard him, or at least they hadn’t wanted to as his father's input is a stoic, no-bullshit stare accompanied with the sentence “we’re sending you to the hopeworld treatment center in seoul. they are one of the finest private residentials in the country.”
yoongi swallows a groan and spits out a spiteful “go to hell.”
his mother is quick to jump in and takes his hand. “honey, we just want to help you. they have wonderful reviews and a lovely art therapy programme that i really think could be something.”
“its not like i have a choice, so. whatever.”
“you’ll thank us one day son,” his father says before walking out of the room.
“get some rest darling, we’ll be here tomorrow to take you. don’t worry about your things, we’ve sent someone to retrieve them.”
she places a kiss on his forehead and joins yoongi’s father in the hallway.
he’s alone again.
the next afternoon, yoongi is discharged with a fresh set of bandages and his own clothes back on. the sun is shining when he walks out of the front door, and it feels like the world is mocking him.
the drive to the center doesn’t take longer than 30 minutes, but 30 minutes is more than enough to get yoongi’s heart racing and his palms sweating. talking to the doctors is one thing, but other patients? yoongi isn’t entirely sure he’s socially equipped for that.
in the blink of an eye, the car pulls to a stop and the first thing yoongi notices are the two men in white coats standing by the door. they look like doctors, but they also look like friends. the first man is tall with dark messy hair, round spectacles and a dimple that pops out whenever he smiles. the other is just as tall, with black hair and such a perfect face, it intimidates yoongi a little.
he’s pulled out of his staring when his father steps out of the car and goes to greet the young men. yoongi sits stubbornly in the back until his mother opens the door and pries him out by taking his hand. she leads him over to his father's side, and the two men immediately turn their attention to yoongi and bow their heads.
“welcome yoongi-ssi, my name is kim seokjin and this here is my husband namjoon. i’m the primary doctor here, so you will se me for physical checkups, wound cleaning, nutrition talks and such. of course, i will also be around for other activities and if you ever need to talk.”
seokjin smiles warmly and oddly, it makes yoongi feel more at ease.
the other man, namjoon, speaks next. “like seokjin said, my name is kim namjoon. i’m the primary psychologist at the center so i will mainly be the one you have your sessions with. i’m also here for group therapy and various other things along with other therapists. me and seokjin practically live here, so if there is ever anything you need - you just give one of us a shout, okay?”
yoongi nods and manages a croaky “thank you” before seokjin and namjoon turn their attention to yoongi’s parents.
they chat quickly about visitation, length of the stay and more practical matters. yoongi tunes it out and opts to glace around at the area. the center is a one-story building, with a gray exterior. inside, yoongi expects to see that god-awful hospital white, yet is surprised to see a pale blue color lining the walls. the counter is a bright green color and the floors are covered in carpets.
it looks almost, for a lack of a better word, cozy.
after all the formalities are over with, someone from the center comes out to take yoongi’s bags.
“yoongi-ssi, this is jeon heejin. she’s a nurse here and will help you get situated,” namjoon informs him kindly.
she looks quite young to be a nurse, but she has an aura of warmth that calms yoongi a little. is everyone here like that?
heejin smiles and says, “yoongi-ssi, if you follow me i’ll take you to your room.”
after a quick goodbye to his mom and dad, with a promise to call at least once a week, he follows heejin inside.
on the right side is the reception desk where he is greeted by another smiling woman with a name tag that reads ‘im nayeon’. to his left is a small waiting area with couches and magazines spread around.
heejin leads him down the hall beside the reception desk and explains as she goes along - “this is seokjin-ssi’s office,” “that there is the janitors closet,” “here we have namjoon-ssi’s office,” and “the guest bathroom” - they turn to the left and go down a corridor hidden from the public area.
“here we have our patient rooms,” she makes a stop to explain further. “the rooms are all doubles as we have found that the relationships patients make here, is just as important as all other treatments you will receive. i understand you have some anxiety issues, as do most of our patients, so we have placed you with someone we believe fits your needs the best.”
yoongi nods along, trying to stifle his panic. he really doesn’t want to be here.
“his name is jung hoseok, but i believe he will be excited to tell you everything else. he’s one of our more talkative patients, which i hope will provide a nice distraction from time to time.”
“thank you,” yoongi manages to get out. “i - i’m not sure what to say exactly.”
heejin places a hand on yoongi’s shoulder and smiles. “you don’t have to say anything. i understand how overwhelming this can be. we can continue your tour tomorrow if you’d rather get settled in?”
“that would be nice, thank you,” yoongi bows his head a little.
heejin walks him to the door and enters first, presumably to inform his new roommate. yoongi can’t see the person she’s talking to but he can hear the cheery voice of a man answering.
“okay, yoongi, it’s all ready for you.” heejin has placed his bags on his bed, and yoongi walks into the room.
the room is painted the same green as the reception counter, and the beds are a light wood color that matches the desks placed at the foot of the beds. a board hangs above each bed, and yoongi can see that his roommate, has filled his with pictures. yoongi wouldn’t know what to put on his.
there is a window in between the beds, but its one of those that can’t be opened more than a smidge.
figures.
on the opposite bed sits a young man, maybe a little younger than yoongi. he has red hair and a heart-shaped mouth and a mountain of stuffed animals on his bed. his desk is meticulously organized in piles of books, papers and pens. underneath his clothes is neatly folded and organized by color and kind.
yoongi manages an awkward “thank you, heejin-ssi” before she leaves and its just him and jung hoseok. yoongi sits down on his bed.
“so, what are you here for?”
the question surprises yoongi but he quickly finds that he would rather have a conversation about actual problems than awkward small talk that leaves him feeling off-kilter.
“sorry, i probably should have started with myself,” hoseok must sense his anxiety and leans back against the wall. “well, as im sure heejin-noona has already said, my name is hoseok. i’m 21 years old and i’ve been here for about 2 weeks. i was just about to start my last year of college before i had a minor meltdown and got diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder and stress. my family decided it would be best for me to have round-the-clock care and a proper medication regiment, so i wound up here.”
hoseok pauses, as if to see how freaked out yoongi looks, but continues when he sees nothing but attentiveness on his face. yoongi loves listening to people and he would prefer for hoseok to keep talking so he wouldn’t have to.
“yeah, i guess thats about it. i mean, i can tell you about the other residents and what we do here and stuff but first, let me hear a little about you?” hoseok looks careful but also encouraging. it gives yoongi a big enough push to finally open his mouth and talk like a normal person.
“well, uh. i- my name is min yoongi. im 22. dropped out of college last year to go to treatment in daegu. got let out not too long ago.” he pauses. fiddles with his fingers. continues. “i moved back to seoul, had plans to start college again but. ah, how do i - uhm-”
hoseok interrupts gently, “hey man, it's okay. this is a judgment-free zone. i mean, we’re all here because we’re royally fucked up and can’t function like normal human beings. trust me, whatever it is, i can handle it.”
yoongi smiles a little. maybe they did find him a perfect roommate.
“okay well. basically, i tried to slit my wrists and ended up at the hospital. my parents sent me here,” yoongi takes a deep breath. “i’ve always had issues with anxiety and self-harm and stuff so i guess i just couldn’t do it anymore.”
“yoongi-hyung - im gonna call you hyung, we’re roommates now - im so sorry. that sounds awful. i know my words can’t change anything but trust me when i say that you’ve come to a great place. everyone here is wonderful and nice and super wholesome.”
“okay hoseok-ah, we’ll drop the formalities,” yoongi relents which makes hoseok smile brightly. “honestly, everyone has been nice so far. i wouldn’t say im hopeful, but i guess its better than going home to an empty apartment with nothing but razor blades to keep me company.”
surprisingly, hoseok laughs at that. usually, yoongi’s blunt comments tended to make people uncomfortable.
yeah, they would probably get along fine.
a few hours later, everyone got called out for dinner. as hoseok leads the way to the dining area at the far end of the hallway, he explains that all mealtimes are spent together to “strengthen bonds and social interaction”.
they line up to receive their food, which smells amazing, yoongi notes. hoseok guides yoongi to a free table in the back. the tables are all adorned with a flower cloth and a pot of flowers. here, hoseok could show yoongi all the residents and they could gossip - hoseok's words, not yoongi’s.
digging into their meal, consisting of noodles with tofu and salad on the side, hoseok begins introducing yoongi to everyone. he points to a young boy sitting with another boy, his roommate. the first, hoseok explains, is jeon jeongguk. he’s the youngest and very shy. he has anxiety and some problems with food. hoseok only knows that it’s anxiety-based, and affects his ability to eat certain things.
the boy sitting across from him is park jimin. yoongi tries not to flinch when he looks over at the boy. he was so skinny . his collarbones poked out and his hands shook whenever he held his chopsticks. he was hidden under a massive sweatshirt but his hollow eyes and sunken cheeks gave him away. as suspected, hoseok told him he was admitted due to anorexia. apparently, he’s been here the longest because he refuses to engage in most treatment.
the next table over has a group of girls - jihyo, jeongyeon, haseul and jenny. they were each admitted with depression and various personality disorders. hoseok didn’t know much else, apart from what they’ve shared in group therapy.
the last table holds a few boys - minho, hyunjin and felix. hoseok used to share a room with felix, so he knows he was admitted with schizophrenia. through group therapy, he knows that hyunjin got admitted due to health complications from bulimia and that minho suffers, like hoseok, from obsessive-compulsive disorder along with self-harm.
the center limits itself to a maximum of 15 patients at a time, so it doesn’t get too crowded, hoseok explains. there is also a nurse and doctor present at every meal to help and give support, especially, to those with eating disorders.
it all feels a little too perfect . yoongi has never been to a place where there is so much focus on the patients and their comfort.
bitterly, yoongi thinks that this is just a facade. somewhere down the road, he’ll discover the truth.
yoongi munches on his side salad, as he looks over his fellow residents. he spots namjoon crouching by the skinny boy, probably murmuring words of encouragement. the boy sitting across stares with wide eyes and takes his hand. it looks intimate and personal, and yoongi looks away quickly.
hoseok spots him glancing around. “it’s scary, isn’t it?” he says, probably referring to jimin.
“yeah,” yoongi starts. “doesn’t he feel uncomfortable with everyone staring?”
hoseok smiles. “probably, but the point of the dining hall is to make it normal for everyone to get proper nutrition and take care of themselves,” hoseok points to yoongi. “you don’t seem like the type who gets all his meals and snacks in either.”
“guess that's true,” yoongi relents. “too busy being fucked up to eat properly.”
“hyung, you really need this,” hoseok laughs and shakes his head.
“yeah i guess i do.”
after dinner, they go back to their room to have a mandatory “quiet hour”.
hoseok explains that it’s to process any feelings that may have arisen during mealtime and get an hour to relax. the days are usually pretty busy with activities.
yoongi inwardly groans at how much work this place seems to be.
“i love quiet hour,” hoseok muses. “usually there’s so much noise everywhere, but for one hour every day, the whole place gets silent.”
yoongi thinks quiet hour will be his favorite time of the day.
“heejin-noona said you haven’t been told the schedule yet.”
a jerky nod lets hoseok know that that’s true.
he continues. “well, every day we have one form of therapy - either single or group - and one type of social activity. like today, we had group therapy with namjoon-ssi and yugeom-ssi, and book club. we’re reading ‘purge’ and hyunjin couldn’t stop laughing at the title.”
“ah, i know that book,” yoongi remembers. “it’s really good.”
it’s true, it really was. it was this finnish book, about two women meeting in estonia and uncovering year-long secrets. and like, badass feminism and war.
“yeah, it is,” hoseok agrees. “we just started it, so you can easily join in next time.”
yoongi didn’t hate the thought of that. as long as he didn’t need to talk.
he just nods and lies down. luckily, they were allowed their phones, headsets and books.
as suspected, there were no sharp objects like scissors, shaving tools or tweezers allowed. no doors could be locked, and the shower didn't have a curtain.
but at least yoongi could listen to music.
he loved music. he had studied music, you know - before everything went to hell.
hoseok settled in as well, put on his own headphones and grabbed his computer. he must have been watching something funny because yoongi could sometimes hear a little giggle or laugh. it wasn’t annoying like yoongi feared - but nice. human laughter was a thing yoongi thought he was done hearing. he had braced himself for nothingness and numbness.
with music in his ears, yoongi fell asleep.
a few hours later, the door to their room opens. yoongi opens his eyes sleepily and sits up. out of his peripheral, he can see hoseok doing the same. its seokjin.
“hi boys,” he greets cheerily. “thought i would come by with your meds and see how you were settling in yoongi-ssi.”
seokjin places a little tub of pills for yoongi and hoseok respectively. yoongi doesn’t bother asking what they are, he just downs them with a cup of water he has standing beside his bed.
“uh, it's okay,” he replies after drinking the rest of his water.
seokjin smiles, like he expected the vague answer. “i am very happy to hear that.”
“well,” he says, moving on. “they are putting on a movie in the common room if you guys are interested. hoseok, maybe you could introduce yoongi to the other residents?”
hoseok nods happily.
“great,” seokjin continues. “well, i’ll see you tomorrow - remember, lights out at 11.”
yoongi withholds his complaints until seokjin leaves the room. “we have a bedtime?” he deadpans. “what are we, twelve?”
“ah hyung, sleep is important,” hoseok laughs and winks. “besides, it's just lights out. we can stay up all night talking if you want.”
“yeah yeah, whatever,” yoongi rolls his eyes. “wasn’t there a dumb movie you had to take me to?”
hoseok gasps, “min yoongi, are you asking for this to be a date?”
“fuck off.”
it was scary how quickly hoseok made yoongi comfortable and dulled his anxiety into a nagging thought at the back of his mind.
the movie they put on turned out to be ‘toy story’, which yes, is a kids movie, but also very enjoyable for people of all ages. it was supposed to “heal their inner child” hoseok informs with a grimace, but he settles in nonetheless.
the room is half full, with hoseok and yoongi sitting on the couch, jimin in an armchair and jeongguk sitting on the floor in front of him. jimin has his fingers tangled in the younger's hair and jeongguk looks up every so often to smile or say something to the other. yoongi wills his eyes away from the pair, once again feeling like he’s intruding.
in the other armchair sits one of the girls, jihyo, and on the floor in front of the couch sits felix and minho.
hoseok greets the two boys sitting in front of them and also introduces yoongi.
felix and minho introduce themselves and welcome yoongi to their little family as they so strangely call it. yoongi feels his anxiety creeping up in his throat but swallows it down enough to be polite and reply.
“ah thank you,” he stammers out.
by speaking, yoongi can feel most eyes in the room turn to him and he immediately freezes. he makes eye contact with the frail boy sitting in the armchair and something in yoongi wants to cry.
he didn’t belong here. he was intruding.
after the movie was over, yoongi hurried back to their room, not even checking if hoseok was following along.
he wasn’t.
yoongi enters the room and sits down on his bed. he puts his headphones on and plays a random playlist, turning the volume up as high as possible. he breathes and tries not to jam his fingernails into his skin.
he had to get out of there.