Chapter Text
"But I'm leaving for India."
"And it is not far enough!!"
"Do you think that there is a corner of this earth that you could travel to far away enough to free me from this torment?"
Anthony tossed and turned in his bed. Even though women was frequent in Lord Bridgerton's bed it cannot be said the same about sleep.He opened his eyes to see beams of sunlight passing through the curtains. It was dawn. He stood from the bed with determination. Today was the day that he was going to put an end to this farce he had concoted. He would meet Kate on the ride. He's going to tell her that he wants to end the engagement and then they will part ways. Forever. That was the best thing to do. To end this torment. To stop this uneasiness in his chest that was there from the moment he had met her. All of this will go away once they went in opposite ways. He was sure. And he can carry on with his life, searching for a wife.Minus the feelings.
But in his subconscious mind he knew once his engagement was called off he would be free to pursue anybody, not that anybody can charm him, but a certain somebody and no matter how much he fought it he had an urge to do so. It just felt right, everything.And he was sure if he did not rein his feelings strictly he would end up at her door step. This is good for you Anthony. A life without feeling,that is good for you. Everything else is a distraction, everything else is dangerous.
He waited discreetly in the woods where he once met her. He was going to end it right where it all began. Five minutes passed, ten minutes, thirty minutes. He was growing impatient. She was not the one to be tardy. She always showed up punctually wherever she was needed. This was unlike her. Maybe last night's incidents might have taken a toll on her. Maybe she slept late after all the mess. But she always rode to clear her mind. Surely she will require a ride today what with all that happened yesterday. It was almost forty five minutes past her usual time. Maybe it was for good. The more he stayed away from her,the better.He rode back to his house. But he couldn't help but notice a pang of disappointment in his chest.
Anthony joined his family for breakfast at the parlour.
"My dear, have you decided what you will do about the engagement?"
Violet asked discreetly as she sat down next to him on the settee placing a hand on his shoulder.
"Yes, I've decided to call it off."
"Well, yes, it's for the best, I have never seen you this unpleasant as in the past week...and do you have any plans once the engagement is over?"
"Well I'm planning to conduct some interviews tomorrow with some young ladies."
"But...I thought.. Anthony...I thought you had your feelings invested elsewhere... don't you want to--"
"Mother..I have told you.. feelings have no place in my marriage."
Anthony said with his jaws clenched. He tried so hard to divert his thoughts.
"But--"
"Mother I hope you are not engaged in the afternoon..we have to meet with the Sharmas."
Anthony said standing up from the settee and walking away hastily as if trying to seek refuge from his mother's gaze.
Anthony greeted Lady Danbury, Lady Mary and Miss Edwina in their sitting room.To his disappointment once again Kate was not present. His eyes searched for her, not because he wanted to particularly see her but just out of curiosity. You know, a Lord was in her home that too a Viscount, surely she must come and greet them no? It's just about pure manners. Nothing else.
Anthony explained the reason for the visit and his intention to end the engagement to Edwina, while the Mothers acted as chaperones. It went smoothly. Though Miss Edwina seemed upset, yes who wouldn't over a broken engagement but at the end she took the news with much grace and understanding than he had ever anticipated. A true diamond indeed. She does credit to her sister-- Stop it Anthony!
No matter how many times he tried to divert his thoughts from her it was all in vain. The disappointment in not seeing her kept growing. He wanted to ask after her, but indulging in her thoughts was dangerous and the opposite of what he wanted. Atleast what he believed he wanted.His heart and brain kept fighting.A tug of war.
But as he stood to depart his heart won the tug of war.
"I believe Miss Sharma is walking Newton, I'm sure she will be more than glad that I have finally stopped pursuing you. Give her my regards, will you?"
Anthony said trying to mask his eagerness to know Kate's whereabouts.
"I will My Lord, though it will take months when she writes back."
Anthony was confused at what Miss Edwina was saying, he looked at her like in need of an explanation.
"My Lord Kate left for India this morning. There was some things there that--
Kate left for India.
Anthony felt like he was pushed to the depths of an ocean, with a weight on him, making him drown, he felt like all his senses were cut off by the water,he couldn't breathe, he was desperate, there was all this air,but he felt like none reached his lungs, it was a whirlwind, he desperately tried to breathe, to reach to the surface, to make peace with what was happening, to come back to reality,he tried, Miss Edwina's voice ringed, like a mumble, he couldn't make out what she was saying. He doesn't know how much time had passed when somebody shook him by his shoulder.
"Anthony--"
"She..she left?"
His voice broke like he was on the verge of tears.
"She left and she didn't... didn't even have the decency to inform me!"
Now there was anger in his voice.He rubbed his temples with his hand as if to suppress a headache that was starting.
"I don't think what Miss Sharma does or doesn't do concerns with you Lord Bridgerton."
Lady Danbury said sternly with a knowing look.
"And she definitely won't have time to check on your pursuits because she already have her hands full. With her own matters. She left with Mr. Dorset. She was lucky enough to find him boarding the same ship and he was kind enough to arrange a cabin for her this last minute. He's going to be there in India for sometime to pursue his studies. I think it's rather advantageous.This turn of events.Who knows maybe when she gets your regards she will be happily married. A splendid match. Won't you agree Lord Bridgerton as you knew both of them personally?"
You don't need to die to go to hell. He knew it now.This was hell.Burning hell.He felt like he was going to faint, like something was crawling in his stomach that wanted to get out, he felt like he wanted to vomit,he wanted to scream, to punch his knuckles into the wall,to burn himself, anything,anything to overcome this pain, anything to distract him from this pain.
He ran away from the room, like a madman, exasperated,out into the yard and quickly got into the carriage, not even greeting the ladies or escorting his mother into the carriage. He wanted to get away from there as soon as possible.He fidgeted with his father's pocket watch.He tried to redirect his thoughts to elsewhere, anywhere. It was impossible. It all came down to a single thing, her. Kate,on a ship,in the middle of the ocean, going far,far away from him, possibly forever, with a man, who could potentially end up as her husband, ~husband.He wanted to throw himself under the horses at thought that he alone did this. He brought that man into her life. A splendid match. He punched the seat in frustration.How will he ever forgive himself if something like that happened. He swallowed hard.
Violet quickly came and got into the carriage,she was too stunned to speak, to see Anthony like this,angry,frustrated, desperate, fuming she could go on and add on adjectives but the bottom line was he was angry and in pain. As to why she had no clue or may be she had.
"Anthony why are you so affected by Miss Sharma's departure?"
"Mother--"
"For anything I thought you will be glad that she's gone, you both couldn't see eye to eye--"
"Mother.. please--"
"Anthony--"
"Mother please, please leave me alone.. for sometime... please..I beg you!"
As soon as the carriage came to a halt infront of the Bridgerton house he stormed off into his study.He quickly closed the door and got rid off his jacket and his vest, he practically tore off the cravat and threw everything on the floor, he leaned against the door and slid down to sit on the floor, his back against the door, head leaned against it.
It was overwhelming. These feelings. The anger, pain, frustration, regret.He was foolish, foolish to think he could live without Kate, it was a fever dream, a foolish hope that he will sustain without her. But he never thought she will go away, atleast not so soon, he thought he had time, he thought she will be there in the corner of his eyes, not on his arms but in his arms reach,not forever but enough for him to make memories to sustain him for the rest of his life,but it was too soon,too much too soon. Whatever he thought, whatever he had told himself was wrong.Kate was exactly doing what was best for him logic wise, but his heart begged to differ, it wanted something entirely different. And on that day he realised that no matter how much he wanted a life without love, he was already there. The fire was already lit and there was no water in sight. On that day he realised Anthony Bridgerton cannot live without Kate Sharma.