Work Text:
R Cell: I don't think this is working.
S Cell: What's not working?
R: Everything. What is working?
R Cell: Trying to convince Mary that none of this is her fault.
Sophie had told her to take it one step at a time, and that she needed to be present if she and Mary were going to find their way back. It doesn't feel like that's going to be enough.
More, the whole pep talk thing had really become Sophie's area of expertise. Ryan has been struggling to avoid stepping and falling deep into the growing pool of doubt that she seems to encounter at every turn, and Sophie is just about the only thing stopping her from walking straight into it. With darkness everywhere, Sophie has become the flicker of light that guides Ryan forward.
S Cell: Is that really how you feel?
R Cell: Of course! How else should I feel?
Ryan can't say that's the response she was expecting. In addition to words of encouragement, though, you can always count on Sophie for a surprise, pointed question.
S Cell: I agree that Mary wasn't herself, and wouldn't have done those things if she was…
That isn't exactly an answer. Ryan just wants her family back. There's been enough loss and pain. She's nearly tapped out and needs to not have everything feel so unstable all of the time.
S Cell: So what happened?
R Cell: It's kinda a lot to text.
This isn't working either. Ryan doesn't just want out of her head. She wants to feel better. She's not oblivious to the fact that her default is to reach out to Sophie for that, even with everything they haven't unraveled…
S Cell: So call…or just come over.
R Cell: I'll be there in few.
S Cell: Great!
When Ryan arrives on Sophie's balcony, she's already there waiting for her, having been looking over the edge at the skyline. Ryan removes her cowl and gloves, and sets them on one of the patio chairs. She leans against a nearby wall.
S: "Hey!"
R: "Hey."
Sophie's smile is reaching for her ears, as though Ryan's presence is all she needs to experience joy. No one besides Cora has ever looked at her like that. It makes it hard for Ryan to not return some sort of smile back.
Sophie's big brown eyes, that seem to sparkle with the night sky, have a way of warming her up, and allowing her to feel things like hope…to dabble with the idea of a time in the future where it's not always like this. When they aren't constantly one decision or manipulation away from total destruction.
S: "So, do you want to tell me more about what has you in your head tonight?"
Sophie's always there now - in Ryan's head. She is intertwined with the many thoughts that loop. But that's not what Ryan came to talk about.
R: "I think you were right."
S: "Me?! I was right about something?"
R: "Don't get a big head about it."
S: "Ohhhh, nooo. I'm holding onto this one. Who knows when I'll get another."
R: "What-ever."
Ryan's smile grows and she involuntarily chuckles. Sophie did that well, too. She's really the only thing that gives Ryan a reason to laugh, lately.
S: "Well, I definitely need to hear more about what I was right about."
R: "It's just not going to be easy to get back to normal. And I'm wondering if that's even what the goal should be."
S: "Say more."
Sophie also knows how to keep her talking, even if Ryan's delivery isn't always the kindest. Ryan had once told her the difference between them was that Ryan fought for the people she cared about, implying that Sophie didn't. Ryan couldn't always tell if she was someone Sophie was more interested in fighting with or for, but she thought it was becoming clearer.
R: "I'm walking on eggshells, worried about running Mary off again or her losing herself because of all that's happened. I feel like I'm holding onto her by a string and if I don't say the right thing at the right time, or if I have the wrong reaction, that string will snap and she'll be gone."
S: "I get that. But, you know you're doing that thing you do, right?"
R: "What thing?"
Sophie's head drops, as she takes a physical beat. Then, she shifts her weight, and walks over to Ryan, so that she's standing right in front of her. She wants Ryan to see her eyes when she responds.
S: "That thing where you tell yourself everything is on you. If we stay or go, it's because of something you did or didn't do. And that we'll only be here if you somehow do everything just right."
R: "And I'm supposed to believe that's not true? Mary did leave me."
Sophie takes Ryan's hands in hers.
S: "I thought you said that wasn't Mary..."
R: Fuck.
S: "It's okay for you to admit she hurt you, even if we share responsibility for what led her to react the way she did or she was predispositioned to handle her feelings in unproductive ways. You don't have to pretend that someone you call family giving up on you wasn't triggering, Ryan."
Ryan breaks their gaze. She looks as though she's fighting back tears.
Sophie takes her chin between her fingers and lifts her head back, regaining their eye contact.
S: "You don't have to do that either."
She pulls Ryan into a hug, and Ryan sinks into her like the first time they did this. It's almost a mirror image, with the only difference being that Sophie is sans the blazer.
She replays the 'we' that Sophie just spoke to her: If we stay or go, it's because of something you did or didn't do.
Ryan can't lose anyone else, but she also doesn't know how to keep them. Somehow, everytime she lets someone in, they walk away or get taken from her. And it's harder to put herself back together when these pieces of her are torn away. What would remain of her if she lost another person? If she lost this person.
S: "And no, it's not true. Mary made a mistake, but she came back. We're here Ryan. You have us. We're yours to keep."
It's as though Ryan's thoughts had been absorbed through osmosis. Sophie saw right through Ryan more often than she'd like to admit. She finally pulls back and wipes her eyes.
R: "I gotta admit, I didn't come here expecting you to read me."
S: "Okay, what did you come here for, then?"
R: "To feel better."
S: "And you don't?"
R: "I wouldn't say all that."
S: "Okay, well, how can I help? What do you need?"
Sophie's voice, her smell, her warmth…it all catapults her back into that forest, remembering the absence of Sophie's lips after she'd kissed her. How sexy she was when she eased back with confidence that her kiss might be enough to get Ryan out of her head. The welcomed knots in her stomach and buzz on her skin, itching for more contact. She hadn't been ready for their kiss to end.
But it took no time for the panic to set in, because it was everything she couldn't admit to wanting but was terrified to lose. What if Sophie gave up on her like Mary? What if this hero thing caused Sophie to become a casualty like her mom? What if Sophie was right about her, and she finally got what she thought she couldn't have and she ruined it?
This is too many thoughts. What had Sophie said about drinking being the key to denial?
R: "Tequila."
S: "That, I can do."
Sophie grins at Ryan, and then takes a step away so she can return to her condo. Ryan wants to melt into the floor, but decides to collapse into one of the three remaining empty seats surrounding the patio table. When Sophie returns with two ice filled glasses and the bottle, she finds Ryan with her head and her hands and her fingers woven into her hair.
Sophie pours the clear liquid into their glasses, and slides one to Ryan. She tosses it back quicker than normal and passes the glass back to Sophie, who replenishes it without skipping a beat.
S: "I wonder if you'll look as sexy as Storm when you go gray before thirty because of all of this stress."
R: "I'm sure you'll let me know when it happens."
S: "Absolutely."
Ryan watches Sophie take the seat across from her and sit back in it. She wears that smug look… The one she had when she trolled Ryan about how the new Batwoman couldn't have possibly saved her. Ryan remembers that Tequila is good for more than denial.
R: "So she's your type - Storm?"
S: "I like my heroes with a little more grit…and a little shorter too."
R: "Is that supposed to be a short joke?"
S: "If the shoe fits."
R: "Okay…I see who I'm dealing with."
Sophie giggles, and Ryan wonders if that's the same expression she wore the first time they flirted. It was the laugh through her teeth when Luke called her out that Ryan couldn't forget. Now, she could see the blush in Sophie's cheeks thanks to the moonlight shining down on her, from a rare clear night. Ryan has a lot to figure out, but there is one thing she knows for sure. She's grateful for Sophie.
R: "You're always taking care of me. I'm not sure I deserve you."
S: "You probably don't."
R: "Damn! You're coming for me tonight."
S: "I'm kidding!"
Sophie leans over the table and takes the hand Ryan was using to cradle her glass. Ryan's thumb brushes her fingers.
S: "Seriously, Ryan, you deserve it all, and I wish you could see that."
Is it actually possible? Is this something she could have? Could she have it with Sophie?
Before either of them could utter another word, Sophie's phone vibrates. She doesn't move, but grimaces.
R: "Which one of them is it?"
While it could be anyone, she would bet money on it being Luke or Mary.
S: "Mary. She wants to know if I've heard from you. Says she has a shoe emergency and you're not answering your phone."
R: "That's because I left it in the car."
S: "Do you want me to respond?"
R: "Not really, but you probably should."
S: "Time to go home?"
R: "Guess so…"
S: "You don't have to…"
R: "Thanks, but I gotta stick around if it's going to get better right?"
S: "Right."
Ryan squeezes Sophie's hand before letting it go so she can empty her glass. One relationship at a time. Tonight, she'd tackle Mary, and hope that she and Sophie would have their time soon.
R: "Thanks for the drink, and listening, and…everything."
S: "Always."