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Namjoon doesn't know what love is.
He thought he did, a long time ago, when his blurry life turned sharp like the eyes that met his one fateful winter morning. When the range of his smiles increased and suddenly lonely didn't feel like the best way to be.
And then again, he was sure he found it, not so long ago, when color filled the grey spaces of his life and joy started walking side by side with his sadness. When he learned to just stop and see the world and leave his worries for a while.
But when he thought he knew love, the feeling that made his heart fly turned sour and made him hurt, and that's when he knew, no, this can't be love.
*
The cafe is busy with people of all sorts chatting around, voices of all volumes and pitches making their way towards Namjoon's ears; hearing but not listening. He looks at the empty seats before him and cherishes his own silence before it gets interrupted. Before he's ready, he sees his two friends entering the cafe, and he unconsciously raises his arm to catch their attention.
From where they stand, Yoongi and Hoseok couldn't look more different. They're both wearing black, but Hoseok's shirt is loose and casual with a playful, smiling face printed right in the middle, whereas Yoongi's leather jacket adds to the intimidating aura that his eyes express most of the time. Hoseok looks over Yoongi, his height enough to make him visible despite walking behind Yoongi. And Yoongi walks like he owns the room, his steps steady and unstoppable from the moment he sees Namjoon.
Namjoon looks at his all-blue attire and feels like an outsider.
"Namjoon-ah, it's been a while," Hoseok says when he's close enough to Namjoon. He and Yoongi sit and look at Namjoon expectantly.
"Do I need a reason to want to see you?" He asks with more honesty than he meant to.
"Of course not. You've just been a hermit lately. We're just glad you decided to go out for once."
They smile at him, two different smiles. Yoongi's smile is barely there but heartfelt, while Hoseok's smile could seem too bright for a simple reaction, but it's still sincere. They look around; quick, practiced glances for safety before placing their intertwined hands over the table.
Namjoon's stomach sinks, and he remembers.
*
"Who's your friend?"
Namjoon introduces the biggest parts of his life with ease. "This is my best friend, Min Yoongi. Hyung, this is Jung Hoseok, the guy I told you about."
"You've talked about me?" Hoseok asks in a teasing tone.
"Yeah, well..." Namjoon doesn't get the chance to come up with a cheap excuse when Yoongi steps in.
"It seems like you left a good impression on him," Yoongi says. He nods with his head towards Hoseok. "It's nice to meet you."
Hoseok smiles at him and nods back. "Nice to meet you, too. So you're the best friend? Namjoon talks about you too."
"I think I'm seeing a pattern here," Yoongi smirks.
Namjoon pushes his arm. "Stop that, come on," he complains. "What pattern?"
Yoongi and Hoseok look at each other like they know something he doesn't. Namjoon doesn't like that.
*
"How are things going with the person you're dating? What was their name?"
Hoseok is genuinely interested, Namjoon can see that, but he still feels uncomfortable when he replies. "We're not, uh, dating anymore."
"Why?"
"We didn't work out. I think I wasn't ready for a relationship," he shrugs. "Happens to everyone, right?"
"I thought you liked him," Yoongi mumbles.
Namjoon feels irritated. "You know I don't do that, hyung. I didn't like him like that. I thought I could learn to like him, but..."
His oldest friend sighs. "I thought he'd be the one. You looked very determined. Was he an idiot?"
"No! None of that, he's a very nice guy, we just... didn't match, I guess."
"But what happened?"
*
The restaurant is beautiful, and Namjoon feels like a jerk because of what he's about to tell Jimin.
"The food is lovely, thank you," he starts with. "For inviting me, I mean."
"I doubt that."
"Huh?"
Jimin nods towards his plate. "I don't think you liked the food. Your plate is almost full."
"Oh," Namjoon grimaces and laughs awkwardly. "Yeah, sorry, I'm just not that hungry after all. I'll pay for my part, don't worry."
There's a sigh from Jimin and Namjoon fears he already knows. "It's not about the food," Jimin starts. "What's on your mind? Maybe I could help you out, you know?"
"It's complicated," Namjoon answers, gratefully taking Jimin's hand when he offers it, palm up, on the table. "I don't know where to start."
His date nods. "You know, if you're going to cut things off with me, you can just tell me," he smiles at him. "I won't take it badly, I promise."
Namjoon feels awful. "What makes you think that's what I want?"
Jimin's smile turns gentler. "You look sad. Also, you look guilty, and you've done nothing wrong. So it's not about what's happened, but something you're going to do."
There is silence. "I'm sorry."
His apology gets waved away. "Friends?"
Namjoon's smile finally appears, nodding gratefully. "Friends."
*
Namjoon tries to explain to his friends what happened. How can he say that he amicably friend-zoned his date? And how can he explain he ended up talking about Hoseok and Yoongi all night without making it seem like something it definitely wasn't? Jimin had heard it all and reached the conclusion that Namjoon loved his two closest friends. Namjoon hadn't laughed at the joke.
"My heart wasn't in it," he finally says. "I explained to him the situation, and he was okay with it. We agreed to remain friends, so you might meet him someday."
Hoseok seems satisfied, but Yoong still doesn't let it go. "You always give up so soon after the second date."
"Hyung, he wasn't even my type. Let it go already."
"What's your ideal type, then?" Hoseok asks, suddenly interested.
His treacherous eyes drift to Yoongi for a second before he can look away. Looking at Hoseok doesn't sound like a good idea, either.
"I don't have an ideal type."
"Namjoon, you seriously haven't felt attracted to anyone before?"
Hoseok is threading on thin ice, but Namjoon can't stop him unless he wants to ruin their afternoon.
"I didn't say that."
"Who was it then?"
"No one."
"Namjoon, come on."
"You know well who it is," he finally snaps. Yoongi and Hoseok go silent and their bodies stop moving. Namjoon does not know what's going through their minds and he feels frightened.
*
Namjoon is a poor drinker, and an even worse drunk. That's why he tells people about this before he gets invited to bars or clubs. Hoseok knew this, and he still insisted on bringing two bottles of soju to his apartment. They have toasted for every time they were stressed during the week, so Namjoon is more than a little tipsy. His face feels warm, and he feels like he could rule the world right now.
"What are you thinking about?" Hoseok giggles at him. "Your face is funny."
"World domination," Namjoon declares, turning to look at him. "What about-" he cuts himself off.
They are sitting on the floor and Hoseok is almost laying face up, only supporting his weight with his elbows to look at Namjoon. His shorts have ridden up and Namjoon is seeing a lot more of Hoseok's thigh than he knows what to do with.
"See something you like?" Hoseok jokes with a laugh but sobers up when Namjoon doesn't answer. He's still looking at all of Hoseok, and his face must betray him because Hoseok continues. "You really did?"
Namjoon doesn't reply, but he musters all the courage alcohol has given him to get closer to Hoseok, moving next to him to leave them face to face. His movements are slow and clearly inexpert, but Hoseok doesn't go away. He's closer now and Namjoon can see Hoseok's bright eyes better.
"Beautiful," he breathes and Hoseok's breath catches in his throat. Namjoon lays a hand on Hoseok's thigh, feeling the bare skin under his fingers. He resists the urge to squeeze and only supports himself there to close his eyes and rest his forehead against Hoseok's.
"You think I'm beautiful?" Hoseok laughs nervously, his breath brushing Namjoon's face. "You should look at yourself."
Namjoon hums and finally leans in, pressing his lips against Hoseok's. Hoseok hums but doesn't reject him. He kisses him back, and Namjoon sobers up by the fourth or fifth kiss they share.
He says nothing but follows eagerly when Hoseok lays down completely, moving Namjoon to hover over him, pulling him closer to keep kissing. He says nothing but "beautiful" over and over as he gives Hoseok all the kisses he's willing to receive.
He says nothing when the giddy feeling of kissing eventually dissipates, and they fall asleep while hugging. And he says nothing when morning comes and Hoseok greets him with his usual smile and the complaint of a killer headache.
If anyone remembers, they don't talk about it again.
*
It's almost a chain reaction, the way his mind can't stop thinking about kissing Yoongi now that he knows what kissing Hoseok feels like. Despite being best friends, Namjoon didn't tell Yoongi what had happened. One reason is because Yoongi and Hoseok were friends now, too, and telling Yoongi could lead to Hoseok knowing that Namjoon remembers their kissing. The other reason, however, is that Namjoon doesn't want Yoongi to know he might love Hoseok. Because Namjoon might love Yoongi too, and he doesn't know what to do with that information yet.
They're at an open mic underground because Yoongi had written new verses, and he needed an unbiased audience to judge it. When it's his turn, Namjoon stands as close to the front of the small stage as he can, his height being useful for once to make his way further forwards. He had missed seeing Yoongi rap. His whole face changes when he raps. Cocky expressions replace the usual unimpressed. He throws away all of his good manners and insecurities before stepping onto the stage that can barely hold his presence.
Yoongi's rap is, as expected, extremely good and the moment he spits the last bar, he receives the praise he'd been looking for with ease. The gathered crowd cheers and claps, and Yoongi smirks once more before leaving the stage. Namjoon is waiting at the foot of the stairs, smiling widely at Yoongi.
"Hyung, that was amazing!" Yoongi marches out of the bar decisively and Namjoon follows him. "I don't know why you'd think they wouldn't like it."
"I still have it, don't I?" Yoongi smiles, still a touch over-confident, riding the high from being on stage. "Nothing beats this feeling." Namjoon huffs out a laugh and Yoongi raises an eyebrow at him. "You've got something to say?"
Namjoon shakes his head. "I was just thinking something could beat that feeling."
Yoongi rises to the bait. "Oh, really? And what is that?"
"Kissing."
They look at each other. "Are you talking from experience?" Yoongi teases. "You've kissed someone recently?"
He could be honest, but he teases back. "Maybe, who knows? I'm still right, aren't I?" Namjoon looks at Yoongi's lips and dares to take things a step further. "You wouldn't have a way to know. When was the last time you kissed someone?"
"Way too long ago. Just like you. Why? You're gonna help with that?"
"Are you serious?" Namjoon asks cautiously.
Yoongi shrugs. "Why not? We only live once, right? And we have to figure out if you were bluffing."
"I wasn't bluffing."
"Show it then," Yoongi challenges him. "Come on." He takes Namjoon by the hand and pulls him to the side of the building they just exited, away from prying eyes. "Do your best."
Namjoon doesn't know how he ended up here. "Me?"
Yoongi laughs. "Do you see someone else around?" He looks at Namjoon and leaves a hand on his neck. "Are you nervous?"
"Shut up," Namjoon mutters, closing his eyes. He copies Yoongi and touches his neck, both of them pulling each other to meet in the middle. Their first kiss is slow and almost gentle, and before it's over, Namjoon knows Yoongi won't let him hear the end of it. Their lips separate with a soft pop and Yoongi laughs, making Namjoon go red in the face.
"Come on, Namjoon-ah, you know it can be better than that." With no further warning, Yoongi kisses him for real, using his tongue to make Namjoon open up and relax immediately. Namjoon doesn't know what to do with himself so he just continues being kissed by Yoongi, stepping back to lean on the wall, Yoongi matching every step to keep kissing him.
He hits the wall with a little more force than expected, stealing a gasp out of him. "Yoongi."
"Hmm?" Yoongi pulls back and looks at him, his expression impossible to read except for the clear want in his eyes. "What is it?"
And maybe it's the time for Namjoon to not care, because he pulls Yoongi back to him as he murmurs a quick "Nothing."
Yoongi and him kiss for way less time than he kissed Hoseok. The fact that they are outside does a quick job of pulling them apart after a group of loud people pass by their awful hiding place. They laugh and fix their appearance before returning to the street. They part ways a couple of minutes later and Yoongi leaves with yet another smirk on his lips.
Namjoon wants to kiss them both again.
*
"What are you trying to say?" Hoseok asks, confused.
"Namjoon and I kissed, that's what he means," Yoongi says calmly, startling Namjoon.
Hoseok's reaction is unexpected. "So you're saying you're attracted to Yoongi?"
Namjoon frowns. "You're choosing to focus on that?" Hoseok doesn't look offended at Yoongi's confession, which can only mean... "You knew already?"
"Of course I did!"
"And does he know-"
Yoongi cuts him off. "About that time you kissed Hoseok? Yes."
"I still think it was a proper make-out session."
"Why didn't you say anything?" Namjoon tries not to sound upset.
"Why didn't you?" Yoongi asks him back. "Hoseok-ah didn't know if you remembered when you kissed him, and shortly after you kiss me, what were we supposed to think?"
Namjoon feels so confused. "But you... You weren't even dating back then!"
Hoseok rolls his eyes. "We already talked a lot when that happened. About you, actually."
"About me?"
It is Yoongi who speaks this time. "You're not as subtle as you think, Namjoon-ah. And whatever it is you feel... we feel it too. That's what we talked about. But you seemed very determined to not let anyone know, so we waited for you to tell us if you wanted to tell us anything about your feelings."
"You can't say you feel it too," Namjoon talks in a low tone. "You don't know how I feel."
He feels the touch of two different hands, one completely soft and warm and the other colder with rough fingertips. "Namjoon, we already feel everything," Hoseok told him gently. "Trust me, whatever it is you feel, we feel it too."
"So if I like you..."
"We like you too."
Namjoon bites his lip and looks down, fighting the urge to get away from the touch of their hands. "And if it's more?" he asks them. "My heart feels funny and sometimes it hurts, but it always feels like it's going to explode when I'm with you." He inhales deeply. "What if I love you?"
"Look at us," Yoongi tells him. Namjoon takes a few seconds more but eventually does so. Yoongi and Hoseok look as expectant and nervous as he feels inside. "If you love us, then we love you, too."
"In a romantic way?"
Hoseok huffs. "Yes, Namjoon, in a romantic way. Like that kissing you did? A repeat of that would be amazing, honestly."
"No way, he kissed you first, it's my turn," Yoongi butts in, holding Namjoon's hand in his completely and pulling it away from Hoseok's.
To his merit, Hoseok doesn't react. He just sighs and looks at Namjoon. "Look carefully who you choose to love. Yoongi is incredibly childish."
"Hoseok is incredibly careless sometimes."
Namjoon finds his voice. "You are," he confirms, finally smiling again when Jungkook protests. "And I could have told you about this a long time ago."
"What's important is that you did," Hoseok tells him. "And I think between us we can make it work, don't you?"
He nods and brings his other hand to the table, Yoongi and Hoseok following suit, resulting in a mess of six hands trying to hold one another at once. "This is not subtle."
The three of them laugh. "None of us are."