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Sometimes Steve feels like his skin is on fire. He feels like he might jump out of it, like it might melt from his bones and fall in a puddle at his feet. From time to time, it doesnt feel his own. Like he's in the wrong place, in the wrong body, looking at the wrong person in the mirror.
He never tells anyone, keeps the information and the feeling tucked deep inside his chest, where no one could reach. Where no one could yank it out, and tell him he was weak.
Because he wasn't. He couldn't be, not with Dustin and Max and Lucas. With Will and Mike. With Eleven.
They all looked up to him, treated him as a rock, as an unmovable object. Someone who could anchor them, who could protect them from monsters under their beds and inside their closets. Or, well, monsters from the parallel nightmare dimension their town was built on.
He has to be strong, he has to keep his cool, he has to guide them. But he's only nineteen.
He's so young. He has barely experienced high school, barely lived through the last year of it.
He has to be strong, but some nights he'll find himself curled up in a ball under piles of blankets; a pillow squeezed in his arms and a suffocating weight on his chest. He feels so terrified in these moments, that it feels like the ground has been swept from under him. Like he's back in the Upside Down, looking death in the face.
Having to look at his friends suffer, risk their lives one after the other. And he'll replay, over and over in his head, the image of Dustin dragging Eddie's unmoving body through the gate. The sound of someone's cries, that he only after realized were his own. The pure terror that was cursing through his veins like molten lava.
It's always there, burnt behind his eyelids every time he closes his eyes.
And he has to be strong, but not for everyone. In those bad moments, when the universe feels too heavy on his shoulders, he knows he has someone to share the weight with. No matter the time, no matter how he looks, no matter how wrecked he feels. He knows he can go in his car, drive to the other side of town, and hide in an old trailer. He can hide in a pair of arms, so sturdy and secure around him, that it feels like they'll never let go.
He knows he can turn to Eddie, and Eddie will never push him away.
Eddie understands, maybe more than anyone. And it doesn't make sense, it really doesn't.
He could go to Robin, even to Nancy, with whom he's shared a lot more with. He could go to anyone, but not everyone would understand like Eddie does.
He doesn't have to talk, with him. Doesn't have to pretend to be someone he's not. Doesn't have to fake it, like he's done his whole life.
Eddie will look at him, with his eyes big and brown and so full of things Steve feels like he could drown in them, and the world falls apart. Everything comes crashing down, and they're left standing in the ruins of Steve's feelings. The walls he carefully built around himself, shattered by one look, one word, one simple touch.
Eddie will put his arms around him, whisper in his ears, and the horrors he's too young to have seen will feel light years away.
It makes him feel alive, makes his blood feel scorching hot, but in a way so, so different than usual. Makes his heart beat so loudly it feels like it will jump straight at Eddie's feet, for him to take.
It's on a bad day that Eddie realizes what he feels.
They're laying quietly on Eddie's bed, on their backs, shoulder to shoulder. Eddie is humming under his breath, something Steve hasn't heard before; but the sound is so sweet it makes a long shiver run along his skin, from his air to the tip of his toes.
He's wearing one of his sweaters, and every bit of fabric that touches his skin is on fire.
He turns to look at Eddie, his big eyes and soft lips, and doesn't understand. He's astonished, not for the first time, by how pretty a boy can be. He doesn't look like any of the girls Steve has dated, doesn't sound like the ladies on his tv, doesn't smell like the back of his car used to. He doesn't hold in his laughter, snorts when Steve does something embarassing. He talks loudly, bares his thoughts and feelings to every person who will listen. He takes up all the empty space in every room he walks in with his presence alone. He's annoying, smells like sweat and cigarettes, and he's so, so beautiful.
It makes Steve's chest ache, really. Eddie never apologizes for being himself. He's not ashamed of showing everyone every part of him, even the ugly bits.
Or at least, not to Steve.
He's so different from anything Steve's ever known. And Steve is so in love with him it hurts a little to think about.
He turns back to the ceiling, and there's a stain staring back down at him. He doesn't dare move, he's scared to breathe. He can feel warmth coming from Eddie's body, were their arms touch through the thin fabric of their clothes.
Eddie stops humming after a bit, and sighs deeply. He turns his head, and Steve can feel his eyes burn on the side of his face. But he doesn't turn to meet them with his own.
Eddie reaches out then, his hand just barely hovering over the skin of Steve's cheek, awaiting for something. He shifts his eyes on it, before closing them and moving his own hand. He lowers Eddie's on his own face, slowly, like he's afraid it'll break both of them. Like they're both made of glass.
Eddie turns his whole body, now laying on his side. Steve has to hold his breath once he looks at him.
Everytime he thinks he's used to the mess in his chest that Eddie causes, he'll look at him like that, and everything is set aflame once again.
«You okay?»
Eddie sounds concerned, and Steve thinks he should focus on answering him, but he's rubbing little circle into his skin, and how is that any fair?
He nods, not daring to open his mouth and trust his own voice.
Eddie doesn't look convinced, and gets closer to him. Steve immediately panics, trying to look everywhere but at the boy in front of him, but then he feels warmth on his forehead.
Eddie has rested their foreheads together, and Steve feels warm and cold and raw all over.
«Don't lie to me, Harrington. I'm no Dustin, I know when you do that.»
Steve chuckles at that, and it sounds feeble and weak even to his own ears. It makes him grimace a little, and he hopes Eddie doesn't notice; if the boy does, he doesn't say anything.
«I'm fine, I'm not lying,» Steve gets the courage to move on his side, his eyelids sliding closed, «thank you for....well, you know.»
«Not calling you crazy?»
«Yeah, kinda.»
They both giggle, and for a second Steve feels everything lift. This is the feeling he's looking for; Eddie's funny sounding laughter in his ears, and no monsters to hunt. He feels like he's floating. He feels like he's allowed to be nineteen for once.
He's still hurt, an ache deep in his chest that he doesn't think will ever truly stop, but it feels miles away now,
«You know, Munson, if I didn't know any better, I'd almost think you enjoyed my company.»
Eddie suddenly sits up at that, dramatically laying a hand on his own chest. He looks offended, and Steve wishes he could kiss him until the world disappeared.
«Me? Enjoying the company of the King of Hawinks Steve Harrington?» he lays back down, amusement shining in the back of his eyes, «Not possible.»
«Oh, what your friends would say if only they knew that you spend time with someone such as myself. They'd be heartbroken.»
Eddie snorts, a chuckle leaving his lips.
«My friends? You mean the literal children we hang out with for some reason?»
They look at each other for a second, matching smiles stretching their lips. Eddie looks so different like this, relaxed and happy. There's no tension in his shoulders, no fear pulling at his movements. He looks almost soft, in the afternoon light streaming from the window. The orange of it makes his hair glow a little, making it look like a halo around his head.
«You know, Harrington,» Eddie whispers, and Steve hadn't noticed how close they were until then, «if I didn't know any better, I'd almost think liked me.»
It sounds like a joke, laced with sarcasm and Eddie's usual teasing tone. But there's something beneath that, wrapped and secure under the mocking tone of his voice. He sounds a little sad, and Steve feels his heart almost stop in his chest.
He looks into Eddie's eyes, and sees himself staring right back in their reflection.
He looks down at the other's lips for a second, a flicker of his eyes so quick he hopes Eddie doesn't notice.
«And, do tell Munson, would that be so terrible?»
The other's boy's eyes shine a little, an emotion passing through them so quickly Steve doesn't have time to react to it.
«Why of course, how would all the young ladies in Hawkins survive if they found out their knight in shining armor fancied the town's freak? Their poor hearts could never take it.»
Steve feels a rush of air leave his lips, his heart beating wildly inside his chest. What was Eddie saying? Had he really been that obvious? He thought he was good at hiding his feelings for him. A little joke couldn't have been what gave him away, could it?
He thinks for a moment, about how long he's been keeping these feelings to himself. There's a quite voice in the back of his head, telling him he shouldn't be here, that Eddie is a boy, that this isn't right.
He ignores it. He can't care about that now.
«And how would this so-called freak feel about that?»
«Ah, mh, well,» he stops, looking unsure. Had Steve went too far?
«I heard he'd be honoured.»
«Would he now?»
He tries to keep his tone light, ignoring the loud static in his head. He's feeling so many things, his thoughts crashing with each other. His hands feel clammy, fisted in the fabric of the light sweater he's wearing. Eddie's sweater, he reminds himself.
Eddie nods, his curls bouncing a little around his shoulders.
«In fact, I hear he quite fancies this knight himself.»
The words tug at Steve's heart, making him feel lightheaded. Eddie looks nervous now, a little scared. Steve wishes for a moment that he could rip his chest open, just to let him roam around it and read his feelings himself. He wishes he could reach into his own insides, and pull out everything that made him himself, just to gift it to the boy in front of him. He would to anything, to himself and anyone else, to never make Eddie feel scared again.
He realizes he's been quiet for too long, because Eddie suddenly starts speaking again, his voice tense and his back taunt like the string of a violin.
«Uh, but of course that sounds dumb, that's-»
He stops talking then, silence by Steve's lips on his own. Steve sees his eyes widen, looking at him through his lashes, and sees when they close. The kiss feels rushed and clumsy and like nothing and everything he's ever felt before.
Steve pulls away after a second, a spark of uncertainty lightning in his chest.
«Sorry, I should've asked before doing that.»
«Oh, shut up Harrington.» Eddie mutters, before grabbing a fistful of Steve's (his own) sweater and dragging him back towards his lips.
They crash together again, rubbing their noses and hitting their foreheads, but the smiles on their faces don't stop them from trying.
Steve feels giddy, a warm feeling bubbling in his chest. Eddie runs his long fingers through his hair, and his rings feel cold against his scalp. He shudders a little, getting as close as possible to the other boy; but as close as he can is still not enough.
They break apart again then, lips red and chests heaving together. Eddie looks even prettier than Steve ever thought he could. He looks at his smile, and knows that nothing will ever compare.
No one else ever will, in his heart and his mind. Nothing else will top the feeling of seeing Eddie Munson, warm and alive, smiling in his arms. Smiling at him, because of him.
«What are you staring at? Got something on my face?»
Eddie sounds smug, the grin never leaving his face.
«No, you're just pretty.»
«Pretty?»
He looks surprised, as if he weren't expecting an honest answer. Heat rises to his neck and his ears, now of all times. He looks good like this, thinks Steve, skin tinted pink and golden light shining on him.
«What, no one ever told you that?»
Eddie doesn't answer, just shrugging his shoulder as best as he can, looking bashful.
Steve raises an eyebrow, noticing the change in the other boy's behavior. He brings up a hand to Eddie's face, and tucks a strand of his hair behind his ear.
He then reaches forward, and rests a soft kiss on his nose. Eddie lets out a surprised laugh at that, looking up at Steve with confusion and adoration sparkling in his dark eyes.
Steve places another kiss on his forehead, whispering under his breath.
«You are,» a kiss on the cheek, «the prettiest,» one on the other cheek «boy,» one on the corner of his mouth «in the whole world.» he finishes, leaving a peck on Eddie's lips, making a loud smacking sound as he does so.
The boy giggles, face red, and tries to hide it in Steve's shoulder.
«What, am I not the prettiest of the girls too?»
Steve is stunned for a second, then a laugh is tugged out of his lips.
«Of course you are, but don't let Robin hear that, or she'll think I've offended Nancy's pride.»
Eddie barks out another laugh, joining Steve, loud in the tiny space of his room. He tips his head back, joy clear as day on his face, and Steve basks in the light of it. In the light that is Eddie Munson, so full of smiles and love and laughter, even after everything that's happened to him. To them. Always with a grin on his face, a sparkle in his eyes. Always ready to be there for someone, never expecting anything in return.
And it's so sweet, to think that he could give him some of that love back. Hell knows he deserves all of it and more.
«I like you,» Steve whispers, caught in the bubble of warmth they created, «I think I really like you, Eddie.»
And it feels like a weight has been lifted from his chest. He's a little lighter, now, his body and his head buzzing with the happiness of it.
«I think I really like you too, Stevie.»
They smile at each other at that, unable to hold back how giddy they both feel.
Steve doesn't think he's ever felt like this, like his chest might explode and his head filled with Eddie's name and his laugh and his eyes. No monsters, no nightmares, just a boy he feels so much for.
He doesn't feel afraid, when he's in Eddie's arms. He knows he'd give his life for him, if necessary. Even more, he knows he'd like to spend the rest of his life with him, as long as Eddie lets him, and the thought doesn't scare him one bit.