Chapter Text
Miyuki squinted as the sun unexpectedly broke through the clouds that had been covering the sky the entire day. He had been sure that it was going to rain, but then again the weather had shifted a lot the last weeks.
Sighing inwardly, he straightened his back. He had started to slouch a lot lately and blamed it on the lack of exercise. The last semester he had spent most of his spare time sitting in the library, bent over books to study for the university entrance exams, instead of putside on the baseball field.
“You’re beginning to act like an old man, Miyuki.” Kuramochi snickered beside him.
“Still better than acting like a five – year – old,” Miyuki shot back, grinning.
“Tch.”
They were sitting on the bleachers, their schoolbags dropped carelessly to their feet and watching the afternoon practice. That is, Miyuki was sitting. Kuramochi squirmed restlessly as if the seat under him was on fire. “Man, this sucks so much.”
“It’s only a few weeks ‘til you start playing on a team again, you should be able to hold out.”
“Ha, you’re such a hypocrite. Who was the one who came running down here first thing right after class, huh?”
“I wasn’t running, I was – you know, I think the bleachers are going to break down if you don’t stop this.”
Kuramochi paused his fidgeting and whined: “I want to play!”
“It’s not like anything stops you from it. When the official practice is over, you can always go and play your heart out,” Miyuki pointed out.
Kuramochi’s face turned dreary. “No. Not always. Today’s the last day where I can play here.”
Today’s the last day … Miyuki’s stomach clenched painfully. He didn’t want to be reminded of this right now. The reason why he had come here in the first place was to distract his mind off the matter. Whenever he allowed himself to dwell to long on it, he started thinking and feeling things he would rather avoid.
Despite his inner confusion, his tone remained light – hearted. “You sound way too depressed for someone who has been throwing a tantrum for finally finishing high school. I thought you were super excited for university?”
“I am! … but it’s not like it’s easy to leave this, you know,” Kuramochi gestured toward the field on which the players had started running laps now, “This has been my home for the last three years. I got some of my best friends here. I learned so much from –“
“You’re getting way too emotional. You should write a poem,” Miyuki chuckled, ignoring how the clenching inside him had turned into stinging.
Kuramochi shoved an elbow into his side. “Tch, drop the act, Miyuki. You’ll miss Seido as much as I will. Probably even more. Don’t try to tell me that you don’t feel anything when you look at this diamond and know it’s the last time you’ll see it like this.”
Miyuki let his gaze wander over the players who were running laps on the field. Out of habit, his eyes fixed on a certain brunette with the number one on his back, doing his best to outrun everyone else. The stinging disappeared and was replaced by a familiar heaviness in his chest, along with a warmth that Miyuki didn’t even try to identify anymore. He had gotten used to it, but he didn’t allow himself to dwell on it. He had the uncomfortable feeling that there was no going back if he did.
Sawamura yelled at the top of his lungs and charged past Furuya, raising a fist in triumph and laughing loudly. That dork. Still getting so excited over small things …
“You’re so pathetic, Miyuki. Why else would you run down here first thing after class? Granted, you don’t have much else to fill your life with, no friends or hobbies or anything – “
“That’s just cruel.”
Kuramochi cackled and quieted, much to Miyuki’s relief.
After a while, the team on the field gathered in a half circle around Furuya. Most likely he made some last announcements before the holidays. Miyuki rested his head in his hands. Furuya had grown a lot during the past year. Miyuki wasn’t one to get emotional over his teammates’ progress or their lack thereof, but it felt good to see that his predictions had been correct.
He remembered the conversation with Kataoka like it had been yesterday.
“Furuya? Do you really think that he would be able to carry the burden of being a captain?”
“Both he and the team will profit a lot from it. Furuya is strict and ambitious, but he can also be understanding and caring. Right now, he’s somewhat lacking when it comes to communication, but I think he will grow into it.“
Miyuki gave him a shocked look, wondering if his coach was trying to test him or something. However, Kataoka’s stoic mask revealed nothing.
“Sawamura … He has proven himself to be a formidable ace at K ō shien. I think he should continue to support the team as such. He … His strength is that he gets emotional very easily. He has an inspirational and motivating influence on the team when he’s in the zone. But when he’s down … he wouldn’t be able to hide it. And a captain has to be able to do that.“
Miyuki paused, before he continued. “They still see each other as rivals, but they do get along with each other, even if they don’t want to admit it. Their opposites will create a good balance as a foundation for the new team.”
“Sawamura as the inspirational force and Furuya as the firm support.” Kataoka stroked his chin and gave Miyuki a slight smile. “Very well.”
In the end, Kataoka had gone alone with his recommendation. It wasn’t that surprising, considering that the coach always had had a hunch for respecting his player’s opinions and –
Miyuki swallowed. Kuramochi’s sentimentality must have rubbed off in him. He focused on Sawamura again. Unlike with Furuya, he couldn’t claim to just feel satisfaction upon seeing his growth. He was proud, embarrassingly much so. Who would have thought?
He still remembered the obnoxiously loud and naïve boy from middle school that he met back in his first year. He had been fascinated by his pitching from the beginning and had jokingly said that they should be partners. A year later that joke had become reality and with their battery they had won Kōshien together.
Sawamura had changed in that time, but he had never lost his natural warmth, a warmth that he didn’t hesitate to extend to others and if Miyuki hadn’t been so –
“ … with us?”
“Huh?” Miyuki startled and turned to a frowning Kuramochi.
“I asked if you want to join us this evening for one last game, just us graduates.”
“I don’t think I can, still got some things to pack.”
Kuramochi scowled. “You suck at making up excuses.”
“And you’re being unnecessarily mean to me today.”
Kuramochi rolled his eyes, but couldn’t suppress his grin. “That’s ‘cause you’re being a selfish idiot. Why can’t you come?”
“I just told you, didn’t I? I gotta pack.”
“You packed yesterday.”
“Not all of it.”
Kuramochi scrutinized him. “Is everything okay?”
Miyuki rose and chuckled, faking a merriness he didn’t feel. “You really are being too emotional.”
“Tch, at least I don’t keep hiding behind a stupid grin.”
Miyuki only winked at him, but didn’t answer as he made his way towards the stairs.
“Oi, Miyuki.” He looked back over his shoulder to find Kuramochi’s eyes fixed on the field. “If you change your mind you know where to find us.”
Miyuki merely nodded, even though Kuramochi couldn’t see it, afraid that his voice might betray him right now. He already knew that he wouldn’t change his mind. He cast one last glance at the back with the number one on it, before turning his own back on everything for once and for all. The sky was suddenly clouded again.
*
He was unusually restless, walking around the school grounds like he had nothing better to do, when in fact he did. He should be in his room, packing his last things instead of wandering around aimlessly in a place that he wouldn’t be part of anymore after tomorrow. Such a weird notion.
Why did he feel so empty? He was off to university, off to a new, brilliant team, off to a new life. He should be excited, excited like he was back then when he finished middle school and was about to start a Seido. And things at university would only be more exciting. The coach was one of the best in the countries, the facilities were of super high quality and the players were some of the best. So why couldn’t he muster any other feeling but detachment?
He thought of his new home, a bleak apartment that his father had found for him. Miyuki had been more relieved than he dared to admit when he was asked if he would prefer living on his own rather than at his house. At the same time he couldn’t help but wonder whether his father just wanted to get rid of him, used as he was with not having him around.
Although it couldn’t have made that much of a difference to him. After all, in his father’s eyes he didn’t –
Miyuki stopped abruptly. Why had he started thinking about that now? He was done with it, had long ago accepted it all and decided to live with it. After all, his father didn’t care about a lot of things. He cared about his workshop. His customers. His mother …
Miyuki leaned against the vending machine and closed his eyes for a few seconds. Don’t go there now, Kazuya.
The object felt wonderfully firm behind his back. Everything at Seido was so solid. He would miss that. He took a few breaths, before opening his eyes. A bright sky met him and a few birds flew by, almost weightless in the mild spring breeze. Must be nice. Maybe he could be carried away like that, too.
Miyuki turned and threw some coins into the machine, the actions all too familiar. How often had he stood here on evenings like this, after practice, alone or together with others?
The mental image of Sawamura pouting as he got drinks for his senpais came up. Miyuki suppressed a laughter, along with the feeling from before when he was watching him at practice. Again, something tugged at his insides, making it hard to breathe.
The water bottle he grabbed was almost too cold to the touch, but he didn’t let go of it. Leaning back against the vending machine again, he opened it and took a sip.
Things had gotten out of control. He had been thinking too much of Sawamura lately, more than he did while he still was part of the team. He should stop or it could evolve into a problem. A problem that Miyuki wouldn’t be able to deal with, especially now, especially today.
He had thought that it would get better once he didn’t see him that often anymore, but Sawamura had a way of sneaking into his life that made it quite hard to forget about him. Not that Miyuki made a lot of effort to avoid him, either, in spite of all his resolutions.
After he left the team, he was surprised to find Sawamura sitting with him during lunch, asking him to catch for him or wanting him to comment his pitching, as if nothing had changed. In the beginning, Miyuki had been perplexed, wondering if it had slipped past Sawamura that they weren’t teammates anymore. When he had asked him, Sawamura had only shot him a confused look. “So what? The only thing that matters is that we like to play and hang out together, right?”
Sawamura flushed soon after that and Miyuki had felt weirdly touched by his words, his heart fluttering in his chest like a bird. He had had to remind himself that Sawamura just enjoyed playing and discussing baseball with him in order not to burst out with something that he might regret later. No doubt, they did have a special bond because of their battery, yet it was no basis for –
A figure strode past. Miyuki’s breath hitched slightly when he recognized Sawamura, his hair and clothes in disorder. He seemed in a hurry and clearly hadn’t noticed Miyuki yet. Abruptly, he stopped in front of a building, and with his back turned to Miyuki, he glared at the brick wall as if it had personally offended him.
Miyuki held back a chuckle. “Jeez, what has that poor wall done to you?”
Sawamura turned, his surprised expression quickly changing to indignation. “There you are!”
“Have you been looking for me?” Miyuki couldn’t help it, he felt the corners of his mouth pull up. Sawamura always had that effect on him.
“Yes. I … I have been thinking.”
Miyuki cracked, unable to hold back his laughter now. “Well, that’s certainly new to me.”
There was annoyance on Sawamura’s face now and Miyuki almost expected him to fall for it, like he usually did. He was so easy to tease, and as he had gotten to know him better, he constantly found new ways to josh him. Sawamura huffed, but to Miyuki’s astonishment, it looked like he shook it off and a nervous look settled on him instead.
“I really … I need to talk to you.” His voice was shaking.
Alarmed, Miyuki stopped chuckling at once. Why this nervousness? It wasn’t like Sawamura at all, especially not towards him. Had something happened?
“Are you alright?”
“Y – yeah!” Sawamura yelled and Miyuki jerked at the sudden volume of his voice.
“Whoa, okay.”
Sawamura stared at him, not moving a muscle. There was something intense about his eyes that Miyuki hadn’t seen before. It wasn’t the same intensity that he had about him when he pitched, but one that reminded him of panic. Miyuki felt somewhat bewildered by his gaze and behavior. When he couldn’t take it anymore he prompted: “So, what did you want to talk about?”
Sawamura seemed to wake from deep thoughts. “Uh … yeah, I …” He fumbled with his shirt, his eyes downcast. “I need to talk to you.”
Miyuki did his best to not laugh again, although Sawamura was making it hard not to. It looked like he had something on his heart and he almost started to feel sorry for him. “Yeah, you said that already.”
Sawamura looked up. “I did?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh.”
His gaze drifted down to his feet again. “Uh … I guess I just wanted to thank you for the last years.” His voice was so quiet that Miyuki had a hard time hearing him. “I know I wouldn’t be where I am today without your help … I know I wasn’t always easy to work with … And I – I really enjoyed the time we spent together, so … “ At this point he actually bowed to Miyuki, “Thank you so much!”
Miyuki was frozen, his heart racing. What was this? What did it mean? Sawamura never showed any respect towards his seniors or any other persons, except maybe Chris – san. For a moment he thought that Sawamura was joking and trying to get back at him for all his teasing during the last years, but Sawamura wouldn’t do that, he never joked about things like these.
Indicating that … he meant every word he said. Heat rose in his neck at the realization and his insides squirmed uncomfortably. He was at a loss of what to say or how to react. He wasn’t good at this. He wasn’t good at talking about feelings, or consoling people or generally talking about anything other than baseball.
Sawamura still looked nervous, as if he expected Miyuki to ridicule him. Idiot. Even I wouldn’t laugh at such honest words.
He rubbed his neck, partially to cover the flush and partially to have something to do with his hands. “You … Jeez, you don’t need to thank me. Your hard work and determination got you this far. And you’re not the only one who had a good time.”
Sawamura blinked at him, looking a little taking aback by his words. “Oh … That’s nice to hear.”
Miyuki laughed at his evident astonishment and that adorable honesty, but also because he felt at ease, the knot of uncertainty that he had felt those last weeks loosening little by little.
In front of him, Sawamura fidgeted. “Sorry.”
“For what?”
“For being so … silly.”
Miyuki stopped laughing, wondering why Sawamura still was so tense. At this point he would normally become outraged by Miyuki’s laughing and try to get back at him somehow (at which he always failed), or he would go off and pout somewhere for himself in a corner. He had said what he had come to say hadn’t he? Or … was there more?
Either way, he was being way too insecure for Miyuki’s liking. It reminded him too much of that horrible time right after Kōshien in his second year, when Sawamura broke down completely.
“You’re not silly. I’d rather call it very honest and blunt. They may be traits that many people dislike, but I am not one of them. Actually, I sort of enjoy being around you because of those traits.”
For a moment Miyuki wondered whether he had been to direct, but Sawamura only blushed and looked down at his feet again. “Thank you.”
Miyuki stared at him, trying to ignore the turmoil inside him. What was going on? He was used to Sawamura’s weird little quirks, but this kind of behavior definitely wasn’t part of them. He almost looked … flustered. Now that he thought about it, lately, Sawamura’s interactions with him had been underlined by a certain awkwardness that hadn’t been present before. It wasn’t as if Miyuki hadn’t noticed, but he had never considered the possibility of him being the reason for it.
He suppressed the surge of emotions that threatened to well up at the idea of Sawamura harboring such feelings for him. He had put a tight lid on them years ago and it wouldn’t be smart to let them run loose again. Especially since it was only guessing. He couldn’t imagine Sawamura liking him in that way. On the other hand, if he had seen anyone else behaving like that, he wouldn’t have hesitated with his conclusion …
Miyuki looked up at the sky, thinking of the birds he saw earlier. However, the sky was empty now, except for a few clouds… He gave himself a push. What was the worst that could happen? He could reject you… Miyuki ignored the little voice inside him.
“Sawamura,” he said, his eyes still fixed on the sky above him, “would … would you like to …”
Just ask him already! Ask him!
But why would Sawamura have feelings for someone like him? It was a ridiculous thought, why would he? And even if he did, Sawamura deserved someone who would be able to reciprocate his feelings with equal warmth, a warmth that Miyuki would never be able to give him, no matter how hard he tried.
“Y – yeah? What?”
Miyuki felt like brushing it off with a teasing remark and then preferably running off somewhere, and he would have, if it hadn’t been for the fragility in Sawamura’s voice.
“I just … do you see more than a teammate in me?” He asked lamely. What a coward he was.
Sawamura’s eyes were on him, as if he was trying to read him. He could almost hear Sawamura’s brain working. Did he understand the meaning behind those words? Again, Miyuki felt compelled to run off, but was frozen still by the seemingly eternal silence from Sawamura’s side. I guess that’s his answer then …
He was about to wave it off and shoot Sawamura a grin and say that he had been kidding, when the latter spoke up. “ ….Huh? Y – yeah, I mean, we’re friends, aren’t we? We’ll always be friends no matter what, I hope.”
Was that his heart that cramped so agonizingly slowly? Miyuki couldn’t tell. He had lost all awareness of his body, not even sure what was part of him anymore and what wasn’t. He tore his gaze from the sky and looked right into Sawamura’s hopeful eyes. He felt the grip around the lid over his emotions loosening, all of them spilling to the surface, plain for everyone to see. Then, a well – known numbness descended over him.
“I see,” he managed to press out.
He could see that Sawamura was confused, but couldn’t bring himself to say any more, trying to focus on his breathing and regaining control over his body. This is just like back then …
Sawamura stared at him and Miyuki couldn’t take it anymore. He needed to be by himself. “I think I should get going. I still got some things to pack for tomorrow and all … I guess I’ll see you around.”
He tried to make his tone light, but even to his own ears he sounded mechanical and terribly cold. Miyuki felt a sting at the look on Sawamura’s face, but he knew he would just make it worse by staying. He turned and forced his feet to move, not even sure where he was going.
They carried him past the dorms, the yard and towards the wide grass fields beyond school ground, where he lay down while the sky turned dark over him. He stayed there for a long time.
*
The graduation ceremony was nothing but a long torture. Miyuki didn’t enjoy the feeling of hundreds of faces that stared up at him and the other graduates on a large platform in the schoolyard. Neither did he like seeing his peers in tears, like finishing high school was the end, as if they had to give up all the good things in life. Least of all he liked the look in Sawamura’s eyes and the way they were glued on him.
He stared at the old, gnarly tree at the back of the yard, wondering why it had grown there. There was asphalt all around it, but somehow it had broken through it, intent on living and stretching its branches towards the sky. Things at Seido were so solid.
When the principal had finally finished his never-ending speech, Miyuki nearly fled from the platform, wishing nothing more than to go back to his dorm and get some time for himself. Of course, his wish was not granted. Kuramochi, his eyes glistening with wetness, wrapped an arm around his shoulders before he had so much as taken a few steps. Kawakami came up behind him, followed by Zono, Yamaguchi, Ono, Nakata, … Miyuki averted his eyes.
No, don’t do that to me, please. Don’t give me these looks.
“Man, it’s over, I can’t believe it,” Kuramochi said, his voice shaking slightly. Kawakami patted him gently on his back.
“When I think about it those three years passed like a blur,” Ono remarked fondly.
Miyuki shut the voices out. He couldn’t listen to this. He didn’t want to think about the past. It was the future that mattered. Baseball mattered.
He looked over Kuramochi’s shoulder and saw that the rest of the current baseball team walked towards them. His breath caught in his throat when he saw Sawamura among them. He couldn’t handle this, not right now.
He freed himself from Kuramochi’s grip. “I need to go, got some things to pack,” he mumbled.
Kuramochi frowned. “Didn’t you do that yesterday?”
“My father will be here any minute.”
“Your parents aren’t here yet? Did they miss the ceremony?” Kuramochi’s questions caused the others to stop talking.
Miyuki didn’t answer as his eyes fell on Sawamura who had stopped only a few meters from him, together with his teammates. Miyuki’s throat constricted at the confused and helpless expression on his face.
You’re an ass, Kazuya.
The others looked on in bewilderment as he continued to stare at Sawamura. Kuramochi’s eyes darted back and forth between them as if he was trying to figure out a game they were playing.
He couldn’t leave like that. He needed to say something to Sawamura, needed to reassure him, after all it wasn’t his fault that Miyuki was a fucked – up person. He should probably apologize, too. Sawamura needed to know that –
He tensed when he saw a black Jeep drive into the parking lot in front of the school. He didn’t have time. Hesitantly, he placed a hand on Sawamura’s shoulder and did his best attempt at a smile. “Don’t slack off now.”
Miyuki hoped Sawamura understood the gesture, understood that everything was okay between them, that he was sorry for the way he behaved yesterday, …
Sawamura avoided his eyes and embarrassment flashed over his face. Miyuki quickly removed his hand, not sure why he had put it there in the first place. It had been stupid of him to think that Sawamura would forgive him just like that. He should apologize properly, he should –
His eyes darted to the Jeep again as a figure got out of the car. A familiar heaviness settled in his stomach.
“I … See you around,” he mumbled to no one in particular, before he started to walk towards the parking lot. He tried his best to keep steady and to not give in to the violent pace his heart set. He could feel Sawamura’s gaze in his back and almost turned around again, but the person in front of the Jeep had spotted him now.
“You got everything ready?” Brown eyes, so similar and yet so different from his own, fell on him, but seemed to look right through him and far off into the distance.
“Yeah, it’s all in my room.”
The man in front of him nodded and Miyuki started walking towards the dorms, his feet getting heavier for every step he took. His father stalked beside him, eyes directed to the front, not giving his surroundings a second glance.
Miyuki observed him out of the corners of his eyes. The only likeness they had were their eyes and their body shape, but even those similarities were gone now. His father had gotten leaner since he had last seen him at New Year’s. His black hair had started turning grey and thinning out in the middle. Deep bags were under his eyes and he walked with the familiar weariness that Miyuki had grown up with. “That is what sorrow does to a man,” his psychologist had told him, years ago. And Miyuki had thought silently, bitterly: “No, that is what a man does with sorrow.”
He stopped in front of the dorm with the number 203, drawing out his keys and opening the door to the room that had been his home for the last three years. He felt a flicker of uneasiness when his father stepped inside, like an invisible line had been broken.
His father let his gaze swipe through his room once, before it settled on the small stack of boxes with Miyuki’s belongings. “That it?”
Miyuki nodded and his father grabbed two boxes. For a man who looked so frail, he lifted them surprisingly easily and walked out of the room again. Miyuki sighed and took hold of a box as well. Luckily, he didn’t have many things, so this wouldn’t take a lot of time. A few hours and it would all be over. He just had to endure those hours.
He walked past groups of students, chattering happily about their plans for holidays, when he heard a voice calling his name. “Miyuki – kun!”
He whirled around to a girl who was ran towards him. Her long, brown hair was in a ponytail that swished behind her with every step she took. He had definitely seen her before … Was she in his math class? Or was it physics?
She stopped in front of him, panting. “Are you leaving already?”
“Yeah, my father took off work, so …” He was unsure of how to continue. The whole thing was made more awkward by the fact that she obviously knew him, while he didn’t even remember which class she was in.
“Oh, so you’re not going to stay for the after – celebration?” She sounded disappointed.
“No … uh, sorry.”
“Well, then – um can you – “ She started fumbling around in her bag. A feeling of dread settled in Miyuki. Please let this not mean what I think it means, please….
She found a piece of paper, carefully folded in two and held it out for him. Miyuki’s heart sank.
“Please – please accept this!”
He hesitated, but reached out his right hand while supporting the box with his knee.
“I, uh – thank you,” he mumbled, unsure of what else to say. It wasn’t the first time he had received a letter from a girl, but it was equally embarrassing each time.
The girl beamed up at him. Miyuki’s stomach lurched. That energy and smile reminded him all too much of someone else…
“Well, maybe I’ll see you around!” She gave him one last smile, before running off again.
Miyuki looked after her, feeling more miserable than ever.
When he arrived at the Jeep, his father took the box from his arms and placed it in the back of the car. “You wait here and I’ll go get the rest.”
Miyuki nodded as his father walked off again and leaned against the side of his car, his shoulders slumping. Just a few hours. You can do this.
“Oi, Miyuki!”
Miyuki whirled around. Kuramochi jogged towards him, looking irritated. “What’s going on?”
Miyuki smirked and gestured towards the boxes in the car. “I’m moving, you know.”
Kuramochi rolled his eyes. “Smartass. Why did you run off like that?”
“My father was waiting.”
“Tch. Did you have a fight with Sawamura or something?”
Miyuki’s face started to hurt from the effort of keeping his smile up. “Why do you think so?”
“He’s behaving weird today. And when you left he almost looked like he was going to cry or something.” Kuramochi frowned at him. “You didn’t say anything nasty to him, right?”
His chest tightened and for a moment, he felt compelled to run after Sawamura and check up on him. But then he remembered their disastrous conversation yesterday. Most likely he would only upset him further. And … right now he couldn’t comfort him, not when he felt this way.
“Miyuki,” Kuramochi gripped his shoulder and lowered his voice, “what did you do?”
“Nothing.” Miyuki shoved his hand of his shoulder.
“Miyuki what’s – “
“We should get going.” His father came up behind them, carrying the last box.
Kuramochi stared at his father in bewilderment, before recognition seemed to dawn on him. He stepped forward. “You must be Miyuki – san? Aren’t you going to join the celebration, it’s –“
“We have other plans, unfortunately.” Miyuki’s father didn’t even cast a glance at Kuramochi as he opened the door to the driver’s seat.
“I’ll see you, Kura –“ Miyuki was about to get into the car, when Kuramochi took hold of his arm and pulled him aside.
“Stay for the after – celebration at least! Are you just going to leave like that? Without saying goodbye?”
“I don’t feel like celebrating,” Miyuki answered numbly.
“Oh, so you don’t feel like it? But it’s alright to just disappear like that, huh? Leaving your friends behind and – “
“I can’t remember promising you anything.”
Kuramochi’s eyes narrowed. “What are you talking about?”
Miyuki felt like he should stop, but somehow the words kept escaping his mouth. “Why should we pretend that anything other than baseball kept us together? Everyone’s going to go separate ways anyways, it’s not like we’re going to keep in contact or anything – “
Kuramochi stared at him as if he saw him for the first time. “You don’t mean that.”
But Miyuki had enough and broke free of Kuramochi’s grip.
“Oi, Miyuki!”
Miyuki didn’t react as he sat down in the seat beside his father. He didn’t look up as they drove past a shocked Kuramochi. And he didn’t cast one last glance at the place that had been his home for the three last years. He sat there quietly in the car and stared right in front of him.
“I don’t have time for anything other than dropping you off at your new place. I still need to visit the shrine today,” his father said as he maneuvered through Tokyo’s streets.
Miyuki nodded and looked out of the window. The images in front of him blurred as they whirled past him.
***
Kuramochi , Tuesday, 23:43
Hey asshole, just wanted to thank you
Kuramochi , Tuesday, 23:43
Always answering my calls and messages
Kuramochi , Tuesday, 23:44
Like the good friend u are
Kuramochi , Tuesday, 23:44
Yea
Kuramochi, Tuesday, 23:44
??????????????????????????
Kuramochi, Tuesday, 23:46
ANSWER
Kuramochi , Wednesday, 10:16
Look buddy, I’m not taking anything of what you said earlier seriously. its obvious that you’re in some sort of shit and messed up. and I want you to know that I’ll fight u
Kuramochi , Wednesday, 10:19
*forgive u
Kuramochi, Wednesday, 10:20
Lolz autocorrect
Kuramochi, Wednesday, 10:20
…. Or not????
Kuramochi , Wednesday, 10:24
FUCKINGG ANSWEEERR!!!!!!!!!
Miyuki scrolled down the new wall of messages that he had been receiving each single day since his graduation. Sighing, he took of his glasses and rubbed the sensitive spot on his nose bridge. He had hoped that Kuramochi would just give up after a while, but he should have known better. It had been four days since he had moved in and Kuramochi had continued to call and text him insistently.
He let his eyes wander around his apartment. It looked boring and ordinary with it’s white walls and simple design, but Miyuki sort of liked it. Luckily, it had already been furnished when he had moved in, so he didn’t have to do much else than to pack out his things, which only took him a few hours. He didn’t bother with personalizing it too much, as he didn’t plan to spent much time here in the first place.
Sinking down on the linen sofa, he cast another pondering gaze at the messages. It didn’t look like Kuramochi would stop pestering him any time soon. If he messaged him now, he was sure that he would have to talk about the reasons for his behavior. Talking about it would mean thinking about it. And that was the last thing he wanted right now.
On the other hand, the persistent feeling of guilt that had gnawed on him since he had left the ceremony wasn’t much better. He knew he was being an ass. Even more of a reason for Kuramochi to leave him alone. But somehow he seemed intent on sticking around.
Frowning, he started typing a reply.
Me, Wednesday, 11:03
Thanks for the spam, Kuramochi, but I
He stopped. Now he sounded like an ass. He deleted the message and pressed the call button instead.
Kuramochi picked up almost immediately. “Yo, asshole.”
“What a nice greeting.”
“It’s not like you deserve anything else.”
Miyuki made a sound that was partially a snort and partially a laugh. “Still you keep pestering me.”
“That’s what friends do.”
Friends. There it was again. Miyuki swallowed. “Kuramochi, look I – “
“Are you alright?” Kuramochi interrupted him.
“Huh?”
“You seemed upset on Friday, so I wondered if you were okay.”
Miyuki was unsure of how to respond to the concern in Kuramochi’s voice. He settled for a snicker. “What do you mean?”
Kuramochi huffed. “There’s nothing wrong with admitting that it was hard to leave Seido behind, you know. If you had told me that it was too hard for you to attend the ceremony, I would have accepted it.”
Miyuki was left speechless. Sometimes he forgot how very insightful Kuramochi could be. He had an annoying habit to read people’s minds.
“Oi, Miyuki.”
“What?”
“Did you … did you tell Sawamura something similar to what you told me when you left?”
His chest contracted at the mention of the name. “No.”
“Hmm. Did you talk to him before you left?”
“What is this, an interrogation?” Miyuki forced a laugh.
“So something did happen.”
Miyuki didn’t answer and started trailing the creases in the sofa, thinking of a way to get out of this conversation.
“Miyuki!”
“What?”
“Tell me!”
There was a whining edge to Kuramochi’s voice that made Miyuki chuckle. He actually did sound like a five – year – old.
Kuramochi was surprisingly quiet and first spoke up again when Miyuki had stopped laughing. “Did you … did you tell – “ he stopped, before blurting out the rest, “did you confess to him?”
Miyuki was stunned silent. He had always had the impression that Kuramochi knew about his feelings for Sawamura, but he would never have expected him to confront him directly about it.
“Confess what? My eternal and undying love for him?” He joked.
“Well … yeah,” Kuramochi mumbled, “I sort of expected you to do it before you graduated. But when I think about Sawamura’s behavior lately, I have the feeling that you didn’t tell him.”
“Sawamura’s behavior?” Miyuki did his best to keep his tone neutral, although his heart beat so fast that that it wouldn’t surprise him if it jumped out of his chest.
“Yeah, I saw him yesterday and he looked so – hey! You didn’t answer my question! Did you confess to him?”
“No.”
“But something happened?” Kuramochi insisted.
“Hmm.”
“Miyuki!”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“But you can’t – “
“I would love to stay and talk with you, but I gotta go!”
“Hya! Yeah, right and I’m off to the Olympics, don’t try to – “
Miyuki promptly hung up on him, not even waiting for Kuramochi to finish. Only seconds later he received a text from him.
Kuramochi , Wednesday, 11:16
HA!! Just hanging up on me!! SO grown up!!!! This is not over!! We are going to TALK ABOUT THIS
Me, Wednesday, 11:17
If you say so, mum
Kuramochi , Wednesday, 11:17
You’re such an ass
You tell me, Miyuki thought to himself. He dropped down on the sofa again and stared at the ceiling. So Sawamura was upset. And it was his fault. Again, it was his fault.
A well – known mix of helplessness and anger rose in him, making him rake his hand through his hair and turn around on the sofa. He reached for his phone and went through his contacts list. His thumb hovered over Sawamura Eijun before he locked the phone again and tossed it aside.
He wouldn’t be able to help Sawamura at all by talking to him. His words never reached him. Miyuki’s throat constricted when he remembered Sawamura’s condition after they lost their last game at the Inter High in his second year. He still blamed himself for not calming him down and for putting so much pressure on him, when he was still a first – year. Even afterwards, he had been unable to reach out to him and had to ask Chris – san to help Sawamura back on track again.
He gave a small, bitter laugh. How had he ever thought that he and Sawamura could be in a relationship? He didn’t even manage to keep up a normal friendship without fucking things up. It was sad, since Sawamura seemed to be one of the few persons who genuinely liked him.
But things were better the way they were right now, at least for Sawamura. Miyuki had messed enough with his life as it was, he would be better off without him. He would call him and apologize when he had calmed down somewhat.
Which brought him back to the problem at hand. Why did he react so strongly to Sawamura saying that he only wanted to be friends, when had accepted that fact a long time ago? It wasn’t like it took that conversation with Sawamura to make him realize that he was in love with him. No, he had been aware of his own feelings for quite a while, but he had never allowed himself to so much as consider that Sawamura might reciprocate his feelings.
It had been easy while he still was one the team. They had had a friendly relationship, yet the fact that he was one year older and the captain created a line between them that even Sawamura didn’t cross. But things had changed when he had left the team. Although they didn’t see each other that often anymore, Sawamura continued to seek him out. Somehow, over the course of his last year, they grew closer than they ever had while they were a battery.
That was probably where the problem lay, Miyuki realized. Instead of distancing himself, he let Sawamura get too close to him. And when people got too close to someone it was very easy to get hurt. Without noticing it, he probably had hoped for Sawamura to confess and thereby completely misunderstood his behavior.
He should have known better, after all he still remembered the night when it was made clear to him that Sawamura didn’t harbor any such feelings for him. It was also been the night when Miyuki first realized his own feelings.
It had been the evening before their game against Inashiro in his second year. Once again, everyone had gathered in his room, much to his reluctance. He didn’t pay them any attention, until Kuramochi waved with Sawamura’s phone, that he somehow had managed to get a hold on.
“Oi, who else wants to see Waka – chan?” he asked.
“Waka – chan? Who’s that?” Isashiki’s face brightened with curiosity.
“Sawamura’s girlfriend.”
“Ha, that brat has a girlfriend?”
Miyuki experienced an unusual sensation at these words, something that could be compared to a fierce stomachache. Now that was odd.
Out of sheer curiosity, he too went over to the others who had gathered around Kuramochi and the phone. He did get a little uncomfortable as Sawamura burst into the room, followed by Furuya. He carried several cans of soda and looked very irritated about it. “We got you the drinks!”
His pout changed into indignation when he spotted them. “Hey! That’s my cell phone! You’re violating my privacy!”
Isashiki jumped up at once and got into his face. “What’d you say? What’s wrong with checking up on our underclassmen?”
“Why am I being yelled at?”
“It’s Kuramochi,” Yuki said with a smile, “he’s interested in your girlfriend.”
“Tetsu – san!”
“Seriously? I’ve told you multiple times that she’s not my girlfriend?” Sawamura exclaimed.
“Then can we message her and check?”
“All right! Give me the phone!” Isashiki demanded, “Let’s send her a picture of us manly upperclassmen.”
“What?!”
Everyone, except Miyuki and Sawamura ended up in a half circle around Isashiki, who held up Sawamura’s phone. “Ready?”
The flash light went off and Kuramochi cackled wildly with glee. Miyuki threw a glance at Sawamura who looked at the display in front of him with a mix of annoyance and outrage. The weird squirming in his gut region intensified.
“Is Wakana coming tomorrow?”
“I wonder if Wakana went to bed already.”
“Wakana’s a good name.”
“You just like saying the name!” Sawamura pointed an accusing finger at his teammates.
The others continued to tease Sawamura for his female acquaintance. Yuki busied himself with taking pictures of Sawamura while he squirmed under Kuramochi’s wrestling grip, lying flat on the floor and protesting loudly.
A few others from the team came by as well and started babbling. Miyuki sat there and looked on with a smile, although his insides where in a turmoil. He did his best to keep his eyes off Sawamura. All the pranks seemed fun, but he just wanted everyone to leave already. Out of one reason or another, they were very intent on having these gatherings at his room. He wasn’t fond of them otherwise either, but right now he needed to be alone to figure out what exactly was going on inside him.
“Uh, guys. Can you go back to your rooms now?”
As expected, his request was ignored. If anything, their antics got even more turbulent. Miyuki sighed and decided to sneak off, hoping that his room would survive the wild party. He passed the dorms and settled down on the bleachers, looking out over the practice field, which was illuminated by the floodlights. He sat there and stared out into the night, trying to discern what his reactions meant.
He was distressed about hearing Sawamura having a girlfriend. Okay. That was completely understandable. After all, a girlfriend could provide a serious distraction from baseball, right? And he needed Sawamura to be focused if they wanted to win tomorrow. … But Sawamura wasn’t even one of the starters, Furuya and Tanba were… Yet, it was fully possible that Sawamura would be needed as a back –up, Miyuki argued with himself.
But the more he thought about it, the less it was about baseball and the more about the fact that Sawamura had a girlfriend. That he was taken. Straight, most likely. And Miyuki felt …. hurt about it? Was that tugging in his chest hurt?
He wasn’t distressed about the fact that he liked a boy, he had been aware of that he was gay for a long time and it didn’t bother him. What did bother him was the fact that of all the boys he could have fallen for, it had to be someone on his team. Someone in his team who had a lot of potential and with whom he considered forming a battery with, sometime in the future.
He had a crush on Sawamura. Wow. Okay.
That was … unfortunate. But it wasn’t like he had to do something about it. He never did with things like these. He ignored them, stuffed them away, buried them somewhere deep inside him, until he almost forgot about them. And he would, eventually, even if it might take some time.
Miyuki messed up his hair again and groaned. Well, that plan had certainly worked out perfectly. He had expected to get over his feelings after almost two years and here he was. Lying on a sofa, all lovesick and unable to think about anything else but his crush and how he had fucked up any chance he might ever have had with him. Miyuki closed his eyes. He couldn’t wait for university to begin and distract him from his messed up life.
***
“You look tired, Miyuki.”
He glanced up from his notes and had to refrain himself from flinching when he saw who loomed over him.
“Ahh, Kominato – san.” Miyuki did his best to sound relaxed when the second – year settled down on the chair next to him, where he was sitting in the half – empty cafeteria of the university. “Just got a lot to do.”
“Hm,” Kominato smiled, “as long as it doesn’t affect your play.”
Was he only imagining it, or was there a slight threat in his voice? Scary …
He forced a laugh. “Oh, I never would let that happen.”
“Of course. Are these your notes on the team?”
“Yeah, but they’re somewhat incomplete.” Miyuki shoved the booklet over to Kominato who skimmed through them quickly.
“Very accurate, though. And I see that you’re still not shy of praising your own abilities.”
“I can’t help it when it’s true,” Miyuki countered smugly.
“Hm, I wonder what you’ve got to say about me …” Kominato said as he flicked through the pages.
Miyuki went rigid as he remembered what he wrote about him. Quickly, he stretched out his hand after the booklet and snatched it right out of Kominato’s grip.
“Ahh, senpai, I’m sure you don’t need my evaluation to recognize your own skills!” Miyuki flattered him.
“Now I really want to see it.”
Shit. Well that had fired right backwards.
“Aren’t you busy, Kominato – san?” Miyuki asked and tried to discreetly shove the booklet into his bag.
“Oh, busy and busy …” Kominato’s smile widened and he was suddenly sure that he was in trouble.
“Say Miyuki …”
Miyuki braced himself.
“Where do you live?”
He stared at him, baffled by the question. One of the things that he had always found scary about Kominato was the fact that he was one of the few persons who were impossible to read. He was the complete opposite of Sawamura, who wore his heart on his sleeve and – Miyuki clenched his teeth, forcing himself to focus.
“Uh … Where I live?”
“Yes.”
“W – why do you ask?”
“Oh, maybe I’d like to come and visit you.” And beat you to a pulp, Miyuki found his face said. Help.
Miyuki laughed hollowly. “Ah, I’m sure you’re too busy to – “
“Oh, I’m not. I’ll always find time for you.”
“… haha, oh, what would Kuramochi think of that now?”
“Actually he’s the one who’s interested in this.” Kominato supported his chin in his hand.
“Um …. Why? ”
“He says that he’d like to talk to you, but that you haven’t given him the chance to.”
Miyuki quieted. It was true that he had gone out of his way to avoid Kuramochi, mainly because he insisted on talking about feelings. He had had to listen to quite a lot of preaching the last two months but there hadn’t been any real confrontations yet, mainly because Kuramochi had no idea where he lived. It was quite the advantage to have his own place, Miyuki found, as it enabled him to ignore Kuramochi’s pestering whenever he wanted to.
“You know, Youichi’s been very unhappy lately. And if there is one thing that I hate, then it’s seeing my boyfriend unhappy.” Kominato’s aura changed abruptly and his face darkened.
I’m dead meat.
“So …Miyuki, maybe you should call Youichi and try to lighten his mood a bit? How about today, hm? What do you say?”
There was only one thing Miyuki could answer and they both knew it. “Y – yeah, of course.” Just don’t kill me, please.
“Good to hear that we agree on this matter. Well, I see you at practice!”
With that he got up and walked off, looking as good – natured as ever. Kuramochi and Kominato fit together perfectly, Miyuki thought. Both were children of the devil.
*
Miyuki suppressed a groan as he collapsed on his good, old sofa at half past eight in the evening. He’d had lectures the whole morning, practice in the afternoon and work in the evening and was more exhausted than he ever could remember being. As if that wasn’t enough Kuramochi would be here any minute. Miyuki had seen no other way out than texting him his address. Better face Kuramochi’s preaching than Kominato’s wrath.
He hadn’t lied there for long, when he heard energetic knocking. “Miyuuukiiii!” a well – known voice warbled from the other side of the door.
Well, that was it with the tranquility of his new home. So much for a new start. He mustered up the last bit of energy he had and got up to let in his unwanted guest. Kuramochi’s triumphant, grinning face greeted him, an unidentifiable, thorny object under his right arm. “Yo.”
It was very tempting to shut the door right in front of that smug face again, but Miyuki was afraid that Kominato would end him for sure if he were to do that. Therefore, he just stood aside wordlessly and let Kuramochi past him.
“No need to make such a face, Miyuki! After all you invited me.” Kuramochi dumped down on the sofa as if he planned to stay for a while. Miyuki wasn’t thrilled.
“I am making such a face because you set your murderous boyfriend on me, who then proceeded to threaten me. It wasn’t like I had any other choice but to invite you.”
Kuramochi gave a fond laugh. “Hyahaha, he did?”
“Yeah. He did,” Miyuki grimaced, “You know, it’s not very nice to force your presence on other people.”
“Ha! You know what else isn’t nice? Ignoring your friends is not nice. Not inviting them over to your new apartment is not nice. I even brought you a gift!” Kuramochi gestured towards the object that he had been carrying and that now was placed on the table in front of the sofa.
“What is that?”
“A cactus. You could use a little plants in here.” Kuramochi looked around in the living room. “Man, this place is depressing. Have you ever thought of decorating or making it a bit more personal?”
“I’ve got better things to do.” Miyuki took the cactus and examined it. No wonder he hadn’t seen what it was on first sight. It had an unusual leafy shape, which curled in on itself, almost like a snail. “Why exactly do you think that I like cacti?”
“Well, they’re just like you: They don’t need to be taken care of and they’re good at keeping people at a distance.”
Miyuki laughed, turned his back and headed for the kitchen, hoping that Kuramochi would drop the subject. Unfortunately, Kuramochi was right in his heels.
“Seido’s gonna have a practice match this Saturday.”
“That’s good.”
“Me and a few others are gonna go and watch.”
“I’m sure that will make the team very glad,” Miyuki commented in a neutral tone as he put the cactus into the sink and splashed some water on it.
“You wanna come?”
“I’ve got work.”
Kuramochi leaned against the kitchen bench and crossed his arms. “Maybe you should take off. You look like you need a little break.”
Miyuki didn’t answer and continued watering the cactus.
“Oi, don’t water it too much! Cacti only need water every three months or so!” Kuramochi stressed.
Miyuki laughed at the worry in his voice. “You’ve informed yourself haven’t you,” he teased.
“Ha! That’s common knowledge, everyone – tch, don’t try to get me off the topic! Come along to the game. The others are gonna be so happy to see you. Even Tetsu – san took off!”
“Hm … as I’ve said, I got work.” Miyuki set the cactus aside and marched past Kuramochi and back to the living room, where he sat down on the sofa. Kuramochi dumped down beside him soon after and put on his we – need – talk – face. Here it comes.
“You still haven’t made up with Sawamura.” He didn’t even ask, he stated it as a fact.
Miyuki swallowed. He had expected Kuramochi to bring up Sawamura, yet he wasn’t prepared for his bluntness. “There’s nothing to make up about.”
“But something happened between you two?”
Miyuki smirked. “Are you starting that whole interrogation thing again?”
Kuramochi’s face darkened. “Wipe that shitty grin off your face already. I’m worried. Sawamura’s … he’s not been himself lately.”
“What do you mean?”
“Last time I saw him he looked weary … You remember that time after Kōshien when he had the yips? He’s almost that bad again.”
“ … and why do you think that it’s got anything to do with me then? If he has the yips, then it must be because he has problems with his pitching –“
“No, it’s not like that! As far as I know his pitch is fine. It’s more … ugh he’s just so unhappy and – I’m sure it has something to do with you! He usually mentions you at least once a day, but he hasn’t said a word about you for months now. And each time I so much as hint towards you, he looks like he’s about to cry or something. I don’t even dare ask him about it, ‘cause I’m afraid he might combust or something.”
Miyuki did his best to hide the shock that heaved though him at Kuramochi’s words. Shit, shit, shit. That couldn’t be true, right? Sawamura would never break down like that because of him. Or was he just mad at him? Miyuki didn’t know which was worse.
“I thought you liked him.”
Miyuki tried a smile. “Are you starting with that –“
“Just drop the act. Look, I don’t know what happened between you two, but you gotta do something about it. Come to the practice game and talk with him after –“
“No. I’m not going to talk with him, Kuramochi.”
Kuramochi’s eyes narrowed. “Why? Don’t be so selfish – “
“I’m not being selfish, okay? It’s just better for him this way.”
“How is it better for him?!”
“If you haven’t noticed yet, I tend to make things worse for him,” Miyuki snapped, “I’ve never had any idea about how to calm him down or how to help him out of his slumps. I wasn’t able to do that after we lost against Inashiro and neither will I be able to do it now! Each time I’ve tried, my words and actions had the opposite effect of what I intended. All I could do was ask others for help and hope that he works his own way out of it.”
Kuramochi stared at him, his lips parted lightly. Miyuki swallowed again and forced his mouth into a sad attempt at a grin to take away some of the harshness of his words. “And if his current problems are about me … That just proves it doesn’t it? It’s better if I keep away. I’m just going to make him even more unhappy, believe me.”
For once, Kuramochi seemed at a loss of what to say. He opened his mouth several times, but shut it again, frowning. When he finally raised his voice again, he looked so conflicted that Miyuki almost wanted to laugh, despite how miserable he felt.
“I don’t even know how to start arguing against this … load of bullshit. I didn’t – I had no idea that you still blame yourself for what happened during second year. It’s not even relevant anymore, I mean … We won Kōshien the year after that, right? Sawamura got over his fears by himself and that’s only made him stronger!”
“You don’t see my point. I was part of the reason why he got into that slump in the first place and I was unable to help him get out of it. And if what you … if what you said about his current … condition is correct, then I’ve brought him into the exact same situation again.”
Kuramochi stared at him. “Miyuki, that’s not –“
“Kuramochi. I’m exhausted. Please leave.”
Kuramochi furrowed his brow and seemed about to protest, but then he bit his lip and got up. He stopped in front of the door and turned around again. “You’re not a bad person, Miyuki. I don’t know why you think you are, but … None of us managed to reach through to Sawamura at that time. And I don’t think that he needed us to, it was enough that we were there for him. You most of all, I think … you were a huge part of his inspiration to get back on his feet. He worked so hard, because he was so intent on proving himself to you, heh.”
Kuramochi fidgeted in the doorway and obviously waited for Miyuki to say something. When he didn’t, Kuramochi continued: “All I’m saying is that maybe you expect too much of yourself. Sometimes being there for someone is enough. So maybe, you could just try that … or something.”
He lingered for a while, but then walked out of the apartment, leaving Miyuki deep in his thoughts.
***
Miyuki dumped his training bag on the floor and went over to the kitchen to get something to drink. It had been another long day and he felt like going to bed straight away. He knew better than that, though. Reluctantly, he searched through the cupboards, pondering what to make for dinner. He hadn’t eaten curry for a while … But he didn’t have the energy to make something so complicated right now.
Perhaps a bowl of ramen would do, although it wasn’t – his phone rang. He frowned when he saw who it was. Kuramochi. For a moment, he contemplated simply ignoring it, but then he thought better of it. Grimacing, he answered and raised the phone to his ear with one hand, while he rummaged through the cupboard with the other.
“Yo, idiot! Congrats on making the first string, knew you could do it, man!” Kuramochi babbled into his ear.
“Um, thank you? Is calling me insulting names part if your encouragement?”
“No, I just came up with it after talking to the other big idiot here …”
Miyuki abruptly stopped searching through the cupboards. “The other big idiot?”
“Yeah, our good, old Sawamura.”
He heard some rustling and a low whining that he immediately recognized. His stomach made a little lurch. “Sawamura?”
“Yeah, he’s staying at my place the whole weekend.”
“ … um, good. I hope you two have fun – “
“Actually, he just said how much he missed his beloved, old catcher, so gracious senpai that I am, I offered to give you a call.”
“Is that so?” Miyuki had difficulties with controlling his voice, even though he was fully aware of the fact that Kuramochi was only teasing him.
“Hm … I was wondering if you had any plans for tomorrow. How about it, hang out with us?”
“ … I’ve got practice in the morning and work in the afternoon.”
“Doesn’t matter. Come by any time you want,” Kuramochi persisted.
“I don’t – that doesn’t sound like a good idea. Besides I don’t think that Sawamura wants me to come by after –“
“Of course he wants you to, idiot! He’ just too much of a baby to admit it!” Miyuki heard a faint smacking sound, before Kuramochi added hotly: “Not that you are any better!”
Miyuki swallowed heavily, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat. “Listen Kuramochi … I – I can’t handle seeing Sawamura right now … I don’t think that I will be able to calm him down or help him in any way.”
“Hm…”
“He … Is he with you?”
“Yeah, I’m sitting on him right now.”
“Get off him.”
“Nah, he’s alright.”
“I can hear him whining. Are you sure you’re not crushing him?” Miyuki asked, slightly worried now. No matter how used Sawamura was to Kuramochi’s wrestling tactics, one could never know.
“I even gave him a pillow hyahahah!! Jeez, yeah, don’t worry I’m not gonna crush him.”
“I highly doubt that a pillow will be of much help. Get off him.”
“I’m not that heavy, it’s all muscles!”
Miyuki sighed. “… Whatever. Just don’t overdo it. Anyways, I can’t come tomorrow. I have Nakano – san’s evening shift and I can’t back out of it.”
“Hm … listen, bro, I don’t really care. All I know is that I’m sitting on a wreck of a friend who needs to see you so he can function like proper human being again.”
Miyuki’s grip on his phone tensed. “I still have no idea why you think that I’ll be able to help him. I already told you why I think it’s not a good idea for us to meet up.”
“Hm…”
“I … I don’t want to make him upset again and I’m … I’m pretty sure that I can’t be the friend that he wants me to be.”
“Ugh … Man, it seems that you’ve both misunderstood each other. But I’m not gonna tell you how to fix it. You’ve got to figure that one out by yourself.”
“… you want me to talk to him?”
“Talking might be a good beginning?”
Miyuki quieted and stared out of the window. The idea alone of seeing Sawamura again after so many months made him more nervous than he could ever remember being. And then talking to him…
“Come on, Miyuki! Don’t be such a coward!”
“Has he explicitly told you that he wants to see me?”
“I already told you, he’s fine with it. Keeps whining how much he misses you.”
Miyuki doubted that, but it didn’t stop his feet from almost giving in, so that he had to sit down on the nearest chair. Was he going to do this?
“Come on!” Kuramochi nagged into his ear.
If he would go along with this, he could risk losing whatever sort of relationship he had left with Sawamura. He would have to pretend that he was fine with only friendship –
“You know I’m gonna keep this up until you’ll agree, right?”
Maybe he should wait a little while longer before he talked to Sawamura, until he had his emotions under control. Until he was sure that he wouldn’t mess up again with similar behavior … But for how much longer was he supposed to wait? It had been three months …
“Alright, I’ll come.” The words rolled heavily off his tongue.
“Hyahaha, ‘kay, see you then!”
Kuramochi hung up and Miyuki wondered what the hell he had gotten himself into.
*
Miyuki rolled around in his bed, unable to find sleep. Why, why had he agreed to this? For all he knew, Kuramochi had set this whole thing up against Sawamura’s will. This had been a bad idea, he could still say that he couldn’t come … But then again he had already gone through the effort of persuading Nakano – san of working tomorrow after all. She had sounded so annoyed that he was sure she would strangle him the next time she saw him. If he would survive that long. He was shivering of excitement and nervousness.
He groaned and pressed his eyes shut, only to be met by Sawamura’s image. How was he supposed to fall asleep like that? He was about to turn around and try to find a better sleeping position, when his phone vibrated. Kuramochi. What now? Miyuki blinked against the harsh light of his phone and reached for his glasses. It better be something important.
Kuramochi , Saturday, 2:49
U are not about to chicken out, right? Well, just in case …
Another message, this time with a picture attached to it. Miyuki gulped.
It was a dimmed photo of Sawamura, lying on his stomach and seemingly asleep, buried under two blankets. There were dark circles under his eyes and his brow was furrowed slightly, as if he was in deep thought. His hair was all muddled up and partially hidden under a blanket. Miyuki bit his lip and was overcome by a familiar ache in his chest. So he was that bad again.
Kuramochi’s text said: He finally fell asleep, after rolling around for hours. fucking woke me up and all. don’t disappoint him by not showing up tomorrow
Miyuki traced the rings under Sawamura’s eyes with his thumb. He couldn’t mess up again. He wouldn’t. He finally found sleep not long after, with his thumb still touching the black screen, like he was reaching for something in his dreams.