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Just the thrum of the air conditioning, the slight scratch of sheets on his skin as Kim gazes at the boy who’s going to be his downfall. A slim shard of moonlight slices Porchay’s cheek, illuminating the mottled bruise on his cheekbone and split lip. Kim can’t sleep, too scared to really. He wonders how someone so sweet can trust someone like him; he’s tried so hard to keep everyone at a distance but it just gets so tiring, especially when someone finds all the chinks in your armour you thought you had closed off long ago. Porchay doesn’t deserve this. This messy life of his that even he has tried to separate from. Chay has been staying at his place ever since the kidnapping a couple of days ago, his own place a breeding ground for bad flashbacks, not to mention Kim’s building has as much security as one could ever need.
A small gasp. Furrowed brows and a look of discomfort, Chay looks impossibly small swaddled in the clean white sheets and his hand reaching out to grab something, anything. Kim instinctively put his hand in his, softly running his thumb along Chay’s palm. When his breathing quickened and the shakes start Kim felt his heart constrict. How could he ever have let this happen? He wraps an arm around Chay’s body to pull him close and he begs the world to never let anything happen to this boy ever again. They stay in that position until his quiet sobs made Kim release his hold only to rest their foreheads together and use the pads of his thumbs to brush away the falling tears. The moonlight still ghosting across Chay, illuminating half his face in an ethereal glow as Kim brought their lips together as close as he dared. Only a breath of space between them.
They ended up in the living room with only the lamps on, no need for the harsh overhead lights to bring them back into reality. Anything within the hours of 2 till 5 am exists in a dreamscape, nothing said within this time ever needs to be brought up again. The city lights are still shining and the motorway an ongoing stream of cars but with the curtains drawn nothing and no one else matters. Chay’s sitting on the sofa with his knees drawn up and gazing toward Kim making some warm milk and honey. Kim’s mum used to make him this when he woke up during the night. The gentle clink of the spoon against the glass kept time as neither one wanted to break the silence.
“Here,” Kim said, passing the glass into Chay’s hands. He muttered a quiet thanks, not quite meeting his eyes.
Chay finally spoke up again, “I’m sorry,” he paused and took a sip. “I’m sorry for waking you up and-”
“No” He didn’t need to be sorry, this was Kim’s fault. If only he had been there in time, if only he had been stronger, if only he hadn’t met him and gotten pulled into this stupid mess. “This isn’t your fault, none of this is your fault.” He pulled up Porchay’s chin so his big doe eyes finally met his.
No, Kim thinks, I don’t think I could ever regret meeting you. I know it’s selfish but aren’t I allowed just this one thing for myself? Of all his efforts to have a life of his own, it’s just been one persona after another and he thought his swell of emotions had been finally pushed down to where they didn’t matter anymore. Well, apparently not.
“I was so scared, I didn’t know what they were going to do with me.” Porchay hadn’t properly spoken about what happened before. If he had given any details Kim would have probably gone into a murderous rage, the death he had given them was too quick. “I thought I was going to die,” he paused and looked shy for a second, “but I was more worried about what they were going to do with you.”
Oh
Kim’s heart ached with all the new feelings he was flooded with like the dam had been bulldozed with Chay at the helm. Let it out, let it all out and flood the villages and all the careful structures he had built. There was no going back now. This simple confession had ripped him off any last shred of hope that he could get out of this unscathed.
“Why didn’t Porsche tell me what he was doing?” Chay asks, “I thought he was finally happy and everything worked out for him.” A sad smile brushes his cheek as he says “I thought everything was okay.” He took a deep breath and another sip of his drink before he continues. Kim is allowing him all the time to speak and would fight the entire world to keep just the two of them in this bubble of intimacy. “For so long it’s been just the two of us, I’ve told him everything and now I don’t know what else he’s hiding,” Chay eventually chokes out. He leans back against the cushions to stare at the ceiling and blink back the tears, “Did he think he could just keep lying to me?” The last part comes out as a strangled whimper, but it’s okay. If there’s any time to lay all the cards on the table it’s now. Kim’s heart constricts at this and the guilt flood through his body. He’s had enough experience of schooling his emotions though and Porchay doesn’t seem to notice. No one can interrupt them, it’s a blank haze where you won’t remember if it was a dream or not and no one else seems to exist.
The sink lets out the last drop which plinks against the sink to ground them into reality.
Kim is still looking intently at Chay, caught on every word he utters; it’s as if he believes that if he moves he will disrupt the carefully constructed house of cards they’ve been building with every breath this night. Porchay meets his eye again not scared -never scared- to show himself. “I just don’t want him to go,” he admits, “He thinks I don’t know about all the stupid stuff he does for me but this is just too far.” His voice gets a sense of urgency and his hand tense around the glass he’s holding on to for dear life. “He’s gonna die or get hurt and I won’t even know what happened to him.”
“…and I’ll be all on my own.”
He looks so earnest, he’s weighed up this inevitability and resigned himself to this ever since he found out who his brother really worked for. Kim can’t let this happen. His body an already flurry of emotions and Chay’s sincerity still hits him straight in the gut, he knows everything he’s done is wrong, all the manipulation and lying but he doesn’t know how to fix it without losing the one thing that makes him feel like a real person again.
“Thank you for being here for me Kim, I’m just so lost.”
Kim finally replies, “I’ll always be here for you,” in a whisper that would be lost to the world if there was one left. He places Chay’s glass on the table in front of them and takes his hands in his own to softly trace the contours, a featherlight touch that feels more like a ghost than the real thing. It brings a small smile back to the younger boy’s face and allows him to continue.
“He always tried to hide the debt collectors coming to our house, and now he’s out there doing the same thing when he knows how hard it was for us. He’s out there killing people and I don’t think I can take it anymore. He’s been gone so long I just…” He bites his lip, trying to find the words, for the first time not knowing what to say, “I just want him to talk to me.”
A thick pause permeated the room and the light from the lamp flickered quickly, shaking their shadows against the wall. Damn, Kim really needs to change that later. The light has been kept on pretty much nonstop every night since Chay came to stay. Kim brushed Chay’s hair out of his face and lingered a moment too long on his neck as he pulled back. He found himself speaking without thinking, “my mum died when I was young.” Where did that come from? Everything was coming to the surface and he finds himself wanting to share a piece of himself in return, “I didn’t know the concept of death before then, how permanent it could be.”
This is the first time he’s mentioned her in a long time, definitely the first he’s ever shared how he really felt. “But suddenly she was gone and never coming back.” Those lonesome nights clutching a pillow to his chest and aching to be held. While his father was busy running operations Kim was a bit too young to understand he found himself wandering his compound with even more bodyguards trailing but never talking to him. He missed her smell, the special perfume she always wore, and even when he found what it was it just didn’t smell the same; he missed how her necklaces would brush against his head as she hugged him; he missed her voice when she sang to calm him down, a distraction from the bloody violence happening right outside his door. At some point, he couldn’t stand to be in the same place where her ghost lingered unnoticed.
Porchay remained silent but rubbed circles with his thumb onto the meat of Kim’s hand now, a mimic of what Kim did to him. He knows he would speak when he wanted, would wait here all night in silence just for him to be comfortable, he knows how special this was to hear.
“I kept hoping someday she would just walk through the door again and hug me like nothing ever happened, I think somewhere deep down I’m still waiting for that day,” he admitted, “couldn’t sleep for so long after it happened.” He remembers barely being able to keep his eyes open during the days, failing his drills and not wanting to try anymore.
“I just needed to get away, become someone new who didn’t have a past and nothing bad ever happened. I don’t think I could take it if something happened to someone I l-” he catches himself last minute, knowing if he says this he can’t ever unsay it, and maybe there’s a part of him that’s still scared. “Someone I care about,” he finishes
Chay’s eyes light up and the biggest smile he’s had in days stretches across his face, Kim didn’t realise how much he missed that smile.
“You care about me.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. That was the thing to confirm all of Kim’s actions towards him. He wouldn’t let just anyone stay in his house, but how was Chay supposed to know that?
“I didn’t have much of a choice. When someone steals your heart the only option is to follow along”
Now it was Kim’s turn to look down to where he was absentmindedly cradling Chay’s hand in his. His soul was now bared to his world, a burning ember against the radiance that leaks through every inch of Chay’s very being. Of all the people he could have fallen for, why Kim? Why this closed-off shell of a man who can’t give him what he deserves, who does everything he can to avoid anything internal. He can barely stay in the present for long enough to act with everything done in a purely calculative manner, but somehow Porchay crashes into him and demands his full attention; grounds him with only a smile and being his pure earnest self, he makes his head stop spinning if only for a bit. It’s dangerous. Not only to Chay himself but to the people Kim is trying to protect without their knowledge, his family thinks he’s gone but he can’t truly separate himself from them, doesn’t want to.
His world is a savage place not meant for warm smiles and the honesty Chay spouts so easily. Kim’s been trapped in the underside for so long that he forgot how the sun looked, and now the human embodiment of it is dragging him out before he even realised what happened. Maybe there’s some good in this world after all. If someone can go through the loss Porchay has and come out like this maybe it’s just him that’s fucked up. Under the warm glow of the living room on the sofa that still looks a bit too new, he could forge a new way of living and come out better for it, stop the hiding and the lies and just try to focus on living his life.
But then he sees the bruises still lingering on Chay’s face and how he’s had to stay here instead of the comfort of his own home. No, there may be some good but he’s still encased in the shadows, tendrils of darkness still chaining him to the underworld of Bangkok. If whatever is going on between them is to continue, and he really really wants it to, he’s going to need to do everything in his power to protect him. Shield him from the harsh realities of the world, shelter him with his own body from the bullets if need be. This is the hardest he will ever have to fight. To keep this balance he knows he can’t tell him the truth, he’s doing this for Chay’s own good even if he’ll hate him when he finds out.
“I think I could feel it in your music,” Porchay suddenly says.
“Huh?”
“Your loneliness.”
“I’m not lonely,” Kim interjects but speaks too quickly for it to come off as anything but defensive. He thinks about the guitar pick that hasn’t left the pocket on his jeans since he first received it; he has more expensive ones but that’s the one he traces at night when he can’t sleep, the wood a shade darker than before due to the wear despite never being used. All the fancy cars and watches can’t compare to this simple wooden gift that could be the last trace he has of Chay if he unravels everything about Kim.
“Well it helped me, you were the only one who I thought could understand me.” There’s not a hint of embarrassment left on his face, as though he’s trying to actually encourage Kim. “There’s no time not saying how you feel when it could all end so soon. Maybe you don’t say how you feel much but when you sing everything shines through.” There’s that missing shine in his eyes again when he talks about something he’s passionate about, Kim’s seen it when he talked about his brother. To be the reason behind that glimmer makes him feel so singularly important, better than any award or medal. Fuck the Nobel prize winners, they’ve never gotten anything as good as this.
Chay takes a deep breath, “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me,” he says it so earnestly, every word feels like it’s carrying the weight of the whole world. An impact big enough to cause earthquakes.
“I’m sorry for everything I’ve done,” Kim responds, heart thumping so loudly he wonders how Chay can’t hear it. All he does is look confused in response and just as he begins to open his mouth to speak Kim swiftly continues. “I’m sorry for avoiding you earlier.” That wasn’t what he was meant to say, was it? “I didn’t want to get too close, I don’t want anyone to get hurt because of me. “I have a duty to my family and I can’t escape from it, from them.” And maybe he doesn’t want to, there’s some part of him that likes the influence and slight power he has. Not to mention his deep admiration of his brothers that stems all the way from childhood watching them train to take over before he could barely speak.
“maybe it’s not a bad thing to need someone, you don’t need to face it on your own. I’m sure your family misses you.”
Yeah, they probably do. Although he’s been gone so long he doesn’t know if he quite fits there now, he’s better suited to be a silent player; just knowing everything and not getting involved. He knew being the third son meant he was useless to his father, although he tried his best to not show it to Kim, but that meant he solely belong to his mother where honestly he was happier. No one was going to know his name, his true one at least, and he was more than fine with that.
They’ve been migrating closer and closer together on the sofa and Kim makes a slight movement to rest their foreheads against each other. “You know I promised myself I wouldn’t let anyone get close,” voice no need to go above a whisper to allow the noise to dissipate before it can breach the wider world. Both the boys seem to be holding their breath. “… but you’re the best thing that ever happened to me”
Looking flushed Porchay’s eyes widen in response and he almost seems lost for words. Inch by inch Kim slowly closes the gap between them to brush their lips together. Everything stops. Even the first featherlight touch sends an electric pulse down his body that no random hookup could ever compete with. When their lips meet fully it’s euphoric, Chay’s lips are so plump and soft, parting slightly with eagerness, and his eyes delicately closed. It’s a rush, every cell in his body is humming more, more, more. it’s like putting your head out the window of a car on a cold night, feeling the wind lash across your face and the struggle for breath before finally taking that one hit of fresh air that felt like being born once again. It’s like that, dangerous and freeing all at once. He never wants to stop feeling this way. Scientists have wondered about why the universe was created, but this was the reason- for Kim to kiss Porchay and actually feel alive for the first time.
The kiss is clumsy, inexperienced, but perfect. After they break apart Kim notices a light blush dancing across Chay’s cheeks and a quiet smile blooming. The words slip out in a simple breath without him meaning to and he feels flayed.
“I love you Porchay."