Work Text:
Dean woke up, grumbling. Sleeping in the car always made him feel sore everywhere, but they hadn’t been able to find anywhere to stop by the time night had fallen, so car was it. He looked at his watch and saw it was only midnight, so while he didn’t feel like he needed anymore sleep, he supposed he should rest at least two more hours. But before that, maybe he should check on Benny.
He shifted to look into the passenger seat, only mildly surprised to find it empty. He sighed and looked out. It was very dark, but the light of the moon allowed him to make out Benny’s silhouette fifteen meters away from the car, sitting on the grass and looking at the moon. The car was parked on the side of an old, half-abandoned road, with only kilometers of fields surrounding it.
He got out of the car and walked silently towards Benny. Once he reached him, he sat by his side, looking at the crescent moon.
“How are you feeling?”
“Not too good, actually” Benny answered without even thinking for a second to try to deny it.
It wasn’t the first time this happened, and it wouldn’t be the last. Dean had seen it coming all day: After so many years, Benny was almost like an open book to him. He had noticed Benny was less cheery, open and sarcastic since that morning, which always was a sign of an upcoming depression. He had had about two of those every year for six years now.
Some minutes passed. The fresh night air caressed their faces, making Dean lose all the remains of sleep he had left. He looked at Benny again through the corner of his eye and saw that he hadn’t moved a single centimeter and his face still seemed sad and tired. Dean wished he could do something about it, but until Benny allowed him to help, there was nothing he could do. Right now, talking to him would be like talking to a wall. Until then, he’d offer silent support, let him know he was there.
Finally, Benny moved. A slight change in his posture, finally acknowledging the man by his side.
“Almost lost control this morning. Could’ve killed that guy at the motel. Thought about it, wanted to do it.”
“You’re forgetting one little, insignificant detail, Benny: You didn’t. You were in control all the time. I wouldn’t have known it if you hadn’t just told me.”
Benny laughed mirthlessly. “Exactly, Dean, you hadn’t noticed. I had planned to rip his throat open and drink him dry, then do the same to the woman, and have you on the other side of town all the time, unable to do anything ‘bout it. Then I would have washed up, go meet you and get out of town, and you’d never have known it. If you can’t know when I’m thinking about doing it, how can you stop me when I really do?”
“Benny, you will never do. It’s been fifteen years since I met you, I’ve never stopped believing in you, and you haven’t given me any reason to. You’re in control.”
Benny finally looked at him, raising an eyebrow and with a dry smile. “Have you even listened to what I said? I had it planned, in matter of seconds.”
Dean rolled his eyes. “Yeah, well, I can’t count all the times I’ve wanted to rip someone’s head off. Everyone’s got bad thoughts, the difference between good people and bad people is that good people don’t do it, and you didn’t do it. Therefore, you’re good people” he explained as if it was the most simple thing in the universe.
“Thing is, I’m not people, Dean. There’s a difference between wanting to do something and actually be willing to do it. ‘m a monster, and that’s all I am.”
Dean’s hand found its way into Benny’s shoulder, and his eyes glared into his. “Listen to me Benny, this is who you are: You’re one of the people I care about the most, someone who risks his life to keep strangers safe, who protects those who matter to him no matter what, and that hasn’t hurt anyone in seventy years even if everything in him is telling him to. Doesn’t sound like a monster to me. I don’t want you to say that again, are we clear?”
Benny smiled softly. Of course Dean would say that. The words warmed up his cold, dead heart, even if he didn’t believe them. Dean saw that the vampire wasn’t convinced, so he did the best he could: His hand reached for Benny’s opposite cheek, caressed it, and brought his head towards him as he moved forward his own, meeting in the middle with a kiss.
Benny made surprised sound, all his worries momentarily fleeing him, and quickly put his hand in Dean’s nape to better kiss him back. He allowed himself to relax for a moment, putting all his love for the hunter on it, nibbling gently at his lower lip before licking the inside of his mouth. He was very grateful for Dean’s gesture: He knew this specific aspect of their relationship was mostly from his part, so while Dean wasn’t opposed to it, he only started the kisses when either of them only narrowly escaped death or, in this case, when he felt Benny needed it.
The kiss finished when Dean really needed to breathe and they separated a few centimeters, the human gasping for needed air.
“Are we clear?” he repeated his earlier question, panting.
He nodded, finally listening to Dean’s words, but not fully accepting them. Other times Benny shut down completely, downright refusing anything nice, so Dean counted this as a victory.
They returned to the silence. Benny noticed Dean had started to shiver from the cold, so he took his coat off and offered it to the man, who silently accepted it
“Promise me something, brother” Benny said suddenly. “If I ever lose control, no matter how shortly, no matter if I don’t have time to hurt anyone, you will end me. Please.” When he saw the pained look on Dean’s face, he quickly added: “If.”
Dean looked at the vampire with sad eyes. It wasn’t the first time he brought this up, either. He doubted for a few moments, but finally nodded. “I will."
It was a lie: He had only agreed because he was sure it would never happen, and if it did, Dean wouldn’t doubt in breaking his promise. Benny knew and Dean knew Benny knew, but the older man let it slip, for now at least.
“I wonder what it feels like, to die” Benny said absently, gaze back to the dark sky.
Dean shrugged. “Unpleasant, I guess. Anyway, you’ve got a very, very long life before the time comes for you.”
“Don’t be so sure ‘bout that” was the answer, in a dry voice.
“I agreed to kill you if you ever go wild, but that’s a very big ‘if’ there.”
“That’s not what I’m talking ‘bout.”
Dean frowned. “Then what is it? Age doesn’t matter to you, and surely you’re strong enough to get rid of douchebag hunters for a few centuries.”
Benny sighed. “Once it’s done for you, it will be over for me, too.” He clarified.
At Dean’s puzzled expression, he elaborated: “I mean when you die. There’ll be nothing left for me.”
For a few seconds, Dean stayed silent, his mind refusing to understand what Benny had said. When he did, his eyes shot open and he stood up brusquely. He grabbed Benny’s shoulders a bit too tightly and he looked at the vampire’s calm eyes with his panicked ones.
“Take that back.”
Silence.
“Tell me you weren’t thinking when you said that. Please” the man begged.
The vampire placed his hand over Dean’s one. “’m sorry, brother, but I meant every word I said. Been thinking ‘bout it for a while now. I will commit suicide.”
The words were daggers directed at Dean’s heart. He shook his head. “You can’t do that. I won’t allow it.”
Benny smiled a bit. “I think you’re forgetting the part in which you’re dead by then.”
“Dammit Benny, this isn’t a fucking joke!” Dean shouted angrily. “You’ve got people to care about other than me! Think of them! Be there for them!”
“Who?” Benny asked simply. Dean felt cold on the inside.
“C’mon, man you can’t really mean that. I know your self-esteem isn’t the highest, but you aren’t one to pointlessly self-hate either. You got people who love you.”
“Who?” He repeated.
“Jo.”
“If she isn’t dead by then, she’ll have little more than a few years. Not a great reason to live there.”
“Benny, I’ll be lucky if I reach forty, and Jo isn’t really a hunter. She’ll live at least thirty years more than me. That is worth living for, isn’t it?”
“You’ll die of old age” Benny stated shaking his head.
“We both know I won’t.”
“Dean,” Benny said sternly, “you will die of old age. I’ll make sure of that.”
Dean sighed, realizing that was an argument Benny refused to lose. “OK, maybe you’re right. There are more people. Sam’s family loves you.”
“He and Jessica will be very old, too, and to their daughter I’m a guy she sees two times a year. I don’t matter to her and, let’s be honest; I care ‘bout her but not enough to stay around. And she’d have to become part of this world to understand why I don’t get old. Sam won’t allow it, you won’t allow it, and I won’t allow it.”
Dean looked at him for a moment before nodding. “You’re right. I suppose I didn’t think that one too much” he admitted.
Benny chuckled. It still sounded sad. “See? Without you, I’ve no one to be there for.”
“Yes, you have” Dean said, his strength and conviction back. “What about Elizabeth? She’s your family. You can’t tell me she doesn’t matter to you.” This was his last resort, his strongest argument. He had hoped he wouldn’t need to use it, but he had and now he was sure he had convinced the vampire.
The smile that appeared on Benny’s face was both sad and nostalgic. “Yeah, there’s Elizabeth. I love her.” He stopped for a moment and Dean thought he had managed to convince him. He was wrong. “But she doesn’t love me. She doesn’t even know who I am. I am a guy that passes through her café once a year, she doesn’t remember me from one time to next. Hardly enough to make a lasting relationship, isn’t it?”
Dean groaned, frustrated. “You’re going to leave her? She’s your only family left! You could watch over her and her children! Make sure they’re alright!”
“All families carry on without a ghost from the past watching over them. Mine’s no different.”
“Dammit! Why do you have to be so fucking pessimistic!?” Dean yelled, angry more at himself for being unable to cheer Benny up than at Benny.
“Because it is the truth” was the cutting answer.
Dean fell to the ground, anger gone, revealing an immense sadness. Benny hated himself for having put that sadness there, but he needed to get all of that out and there was no one better than Dean to talk to. He wasn’t able to be this sincere with anyone else. Once the stream of honesty had begun, it couldn’t be stopped.
“Benny” Dean called, “please, you can’t give up so easily. You can find something else worth living for.”
“Gave up on living long ago, Dean” he explained. “There was one thing to make me keep going, and it was revenge.” He smiled wistfully. “And then there was you. Made yourself enough to keep living in less than a month, but if you hadn’t been there, I would’ve died fifteen years ago. I know I won’t be able to get over your dead, and being honest I don’t want to. It’s my decision, and I won’t change it.”
Benny saw that Dean was the live image of sorrow and misery. “Hey, brother, don’t be so sad. Everyone’s got to die, right? ‘m no different. Can’t complain ‘bout it either: got a century more than I should and got to meet you. More than enough for me.”
“You’re only saying that because you’re feeling down right now” Dean tried, and he didn’t know who he was trying to convince, if Benny or himself. “You will see things differently in the morning.”
“Maybe” Benny said. If believing that made the human happier, then so be it.
Silence fell again, much heavier than it had been before. They both fell in a spiral of negative thoughts. Once again, it was Benny who broke it.
“You think we’ve got a soul?”
Dean looked at him again, startled and bewildered. “Well, it is part of our business to get rid of ghosts, so I’d say we do.”
“No, no, that’s not what I meant. What I mean is, do we monsters have souls?”
Dean stared at him silently.
“You ever seen a shapeshifter ghost? Werewolf? Vampire? I sure haven’t. That must mean things like me haven’t got anything inside, right?” Benny reasoned.
“Maybe those souls just don’t follow the same rules…?” Dean tried weakly, knowing where Benny was going.
“No, brother, I don’t think that’s it.”
“Well, we know nothing about ghosts except that some remain here. That’s hardly enough to start getting philosophical. You’re overthinking.”
“I know more ‘bout philosophy that you ever will” Benny teased gently, and Dean wondered how he was capable of that in the middle of a conversation like this. “What I’m saying is, I’ve never seen a monster ghost, haven’t heard of it either, nor have you or anyone. I know humans got souls that go somewhere, somewhere nice I hope, but I don’t think the same will apply to me.”
“…”
“So it’ll really be over for me when you die. In all the senses:”
After staring for some moments, Dean got closer and hugged Benny tightly, and Benny could tell there were tears falling from his eyes, even if he was completely still and quiet. He held him firmly and caressed his back, which made the man tighten his grip. He should be the one doing the comforting, not the one being comforted, Dean thought self-hatefully. He didn’t know how long he stayed like that, but it seemed like a very long time.
“Don’t worry, Dean,” Benny soothed, “all that will be in a very long time. I won’t leave you. I’ll be with you ‘till the very end. I promise.”
Dean still said nothing, and all he did in response to the words was to tighten even more the hug. Benny thought about him, about how much he cared for the vampire, that he was this sad in his behalf when he himself had chosen it and was OK with it, and about how much he loved him. And he knew that, even if it was Dean’s wish, nothing could ever matter to him enough to make him want to live if he didn’t have Dean by his side.