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‘Can I touch you?’
Impulse, who had been fighting to finally fall asleep, snaps to attention. He turns his head towards Bdubs, but can’t make out more than his vague shape in the dark. ‘What?’
The shadow moves, rustling the sheets. ‘I want to touch you.’
‘Okay. Why?’
Bdubs makes a noise somewhere between a growl and a sigh. ‘Because we’re soulmates.’
Impulse furrows his brows. He sits up and the blanket falls from his shoulders, pooling in his lap. After another second’s hesitation, he holds out his arm.
Bdubs must be able to see better in the dark than him, because he seizes Impulse’s wrist with unerring surety, yanking it close and trapping it against his chest. His other palm comes up to stroke the side of Impulse’s arm, briefly cupping his elbow before moving down towards his pulse point again. He does it a couple more times, up and down.
‘How does it feel?’
Impulse blinks. ‘Normal? It doesn’t hurt, if that’s what you mean.’
‘It’s not.’
Bdubs slips his fingers into the hollow of the other’s palm, drawing a circle over his lifelines. Impulse waits to see if more information is forthcoming, but nothing comes.
‘Uh. It’s… it’s okay, I guess?’
‘Oh.’
Bdubs lets go. Impulse’s skin tingles with the ghost of his touch.
‘Bdubs, what’s going on?’
‘Nothing.’
There’s some more shuffling as the shadow across from him curls in on himself. He’s huddled like a bird in the rain. Impulse’s chest gives a squeeze. He reaches out to place a hand on the other’s shoulder, to offer comfort, but Bdubs ducks away.
That’s definitely not nothing, Impulse thinks. He leans across his side of the bed, patting along the edge until his fingers brush the thick canvas fabric of his go bag. It’s packed and ready, in case they need to get up and bounce in the middle of the night; a survivor’s habit. He tugs apart the knot holding it closed, pulling out a torch. The tip of it is smudged with coal. He blows on it and it ignites, casting a warm orange glow over the bed.
‘Bdubs.’
The other scowls at him. ‘Turn that off, I’m trying to sleep.’
‘I will if you tell me what’s wrong.’
‘Nothing’s wrong.’
‘But you’re–’
‘I’m fine,’ Bdubs hisses. ‘Go to sleep.’
Impulse thinks about letting it go, but just for a moment. Then he gathers his resolve. ‘You’re my soulmate. You can trust me.’
‘I’m not.’
‘Huh?’
Bdubs throws up his hands, huffing. ‘Yes, I’m your soulmate, but I’m also not really.’
Impulse has no idea what to do with that. He just knows he has to say something, because his stomach is lurching as if he were holding live TNT. ‘I felt your pain. I still feel it. We are soulmates.’
‘Right here, right now, yes,’ Bdubs says, sitting up. His fingers knot in the blanket in his lap, making the fabric whisper. ‘But secretly, you’re wishing you were here with Skizz. I can tell.’
Impulse flinches, eyes going wide. ‘Wh–’
‘I get it, okay?’ Bdubs keeps right on talking. ‘You two have done this before, you’ve been doing it for ages, and it’s only dumb luck that he couldn’t be here with us this time.’
He wraps his arms around his knees. His silhouette is small and compact in a way that Skizz’ could never be. Impulse wants to reach out for him but doesn’t dare, so he rubs a hand through his hair to distract himself from the urge. ‘Even if he were here, he might not have been my soulmate,’ he says softly.
Bdubs grunts.
‘You are.’
The need becomes too strong. Impulse clenches his fists, nails digging into his palms.
Bdubs doesn’t look up. His eyebrows remain tightly together. ‘Then why are you so… unhappy?’
‘I’m not unhappy.’
‘Don’t lie to me. You’re more reserved than usual and you wince every time I tell somebody we’re bound.’
Oh, jeez. Impulse might really have messed up here. He takes a breath. ‘It’s– That’s… It’s not you.’
‘Oh, so it’s you?’ Bdubs’ mouth curls at the edges, without humor. ‘Classy.’
Impulse grimaces. ‘It’s just new. This whole situation.’
A snort.
He searches for the right words. ‘I’ve done this before, yes. But this is not like it’s with Skizz at all.’
‘Because you’re real soulmates.’
‘Because we’re best friends,’ Impulse corrects. ‘To an extent, I already knew what his pain felt like, before I really, you know. Felt it. Having him here,’ he taps his temple, ‘was almost no different from not having him there. His thoughts, his feelings, his reactions… I knew all that and I would have continued to know even without the soulbond mechanism. You’re different.’
‘So it is me,’ Bdubs says.
Impulse makes a frustrated noise. He looks around the darkened room, casting about for a way to explain this better. His eyes catch on the shimmer of moonlight falling through the peeking holes in the door. ‘He… He was already under my skin before we ever bound our souls together.’
The other opens his mouth and Impulse holds up his hand to keep him from speaking.
‘Your pain feels different than his. Out of all the people here, I would actually have pegged you to be the most like Skizz, but you’re not. You’re your own person, and I’m adjusting?’
It’s not quite what he wanted to say, but it’s as good as he’s got. He’s never had a way with words.
Bdubs mulls this over. ‘So you’re not disappointed it’s me?’
Impulse shakes his head. ‘Never.’ He nudges him. ‘You’re great! You’re an amazing builder and survivalist.’
‘Flatterer,’ says Bdubs. But there’s a real smile to go with the words.
‘Well, your face could be improved…’
‘Ey!’
Laughing, Bdubs throws himself at him, and Impulse feels it in his chest, light and airy and bubbly, like iced lemon soda in the middle of the summer. He holds up his hands. ‘Touch me?’
The other squints at him. ‘Cuddle?’
‘Sure.’ Impulse throws back his blanket.
Bdubs curls a fist into his own and drags it with him as he hops over, collapsing right on top of Impulse.
‘Oof!’
‘Yep.’
Bdubs keeps wriggling until he knocks his elbow into Impulse’s ribs and they both end up wheezing. His heartbeat is hummingbird fast, but he’s loose-limbed and warm. Safe, Impulse’s brain tells him.
Maybe this is what he needed, too, he thinks as he wraps an arm around Bdubs’ middle, soothed by his warmth and more ready to drift off to sleep than he’s been in days. They’re soulmates. They’re supposed to be close.