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He hadn’t stopped talking since they had gone for tacos. There had been a constant stream of plans for his new office, the bizarre string of clients that had hired him and commentary on people they saw until they had arrived home. If Kim had been less preoccupied then she would have spotted the curious absence of stories from the courthouse, would have seen his sales pitch for what it was, but she had just let his words wash over her. Muscle memory allowed her to smile when she heard the familiar cadence of his voice, interjecting when sentences broke through into her thoughts.
At first, he had been suspicious and had tried to pull her into his performance, knowing, as every seasoned entertainer did, when he was losing his audience. The quiet desperation in his eyes had proved too much for Kim to ignore and she had rested her foot gently against his under the table, giving him the silent reassurance that she was there, that she wasn’t pulling away. Her hand on his thigh had served the same purpose as she had driven them home.
To an outsider, Jimmy carried on as though nothing had happened, but Kim picked up on the subtle changes. She saw how he wasn’t trying to catch her eye as she stared off into the distance and how he asked fewer questions, knowing he wouldn’t be getting proper responses. To an outsider she probably looked bored or he might have looked self absorbed but Kim had never let the opinions of strangers affect her before and she wasn’t about to start.
She thought Jimmy had had an exciting day and the only way he knew to fully process it was to relive it and turn it into one of his routines. He thought that she was exhausted from a day of working and needed to wind down.
Kim’s secret burned in her chest as she settled into the couch.
Lalo Salamanca was alive. He was alive and he was more than likely on his way back to Albuquerque.
Clueless, Jimmy gathered a bottle of wine and a couple of glasses, still talking and gesticulating.
As Kim watched him, she didn’t see her husband as he was, but as the ten year old boy she occasionally glimpsed in photographs, one hand in the cash drawer and one eye on the grifters targeting his father. At that tender age he had more than she could have dreamed of. Two loving parents, an older brother watching over him, a permanent home and all the security that came with it. He hadn’t wasted a second wondering who would pay the heating bill. He had never wondered if his father had ever given him more than his name. He hadn’t kept his favourite toys and books in a box underneath his bed, ready to be grabbed at a moment’s notice.
That child had grown into a man that had lost much of that now. Kim wondered what it would have been like to have been an adult when she looked at her only blood relative and not recognised them as the person she had once loved. Or to have had a hometown she could return to. For all of his heartaches and tragedies, Jimmy had never lost everything. Not like she had when she had boarded a Greyhound with her meagre savings and a stolen suitcase of Goodwill clothes.
Any day now, a wolf could arrive at her door, his smile dripping with blood, ready to leave her with nothing once again.
Jimmy passed her a glass of red, still talking, and she curled up against him and closed her eyes. His voice echoed through his chest, into hers, and Kim felt her bones meld into his. It felt so incredibly strange to have sprouted roots and clung to him, like ivy on brick, growing tall with his support as she protected him from the elements. She may never have had a permanent address but she had found a home here.
As though reading her thoughts, Jimmy started describing houses he had seen for sale not too far from his new office. Some had driveways and some had pools. All of them were places they could make their own, he claimed. All of them could be perfect.
He may have taken it all for granted as a child but Jimmy had learned how lucky he had been, through the fractured snippets of biography she had revealed over the years. As a result he had tried as hard as he could to give her name to something solid, whether it was an office door or a mortgage. He had never learned the lesson that she had, that a house was four walls and a door but a home was somewhere you could unpack your possessions, knowing they would still be there in the morning.
Jimmy was still talking as Kim sealed her mouth to his. For all of her hard earned wisdom, she had never learned the words to express what it meant to find someone who would let her be silent, who would give her everything she had never dared to ask for and who loved even the darkest parts of her soul.
The parking attendant had brought Jimmy home to her and had asked her to trust him to keep him safe once more. Something in his level tone had reassured her but he hadn’t been able to chase the wolf from their home the last time he had come calling. That had been her.
Kim decided then that she would keep her secret hidden behind the other stories she had never said aloud. She would keep it and, more importantly, him safe. The wolf might have been coming, but he wasn’t dealing with sheep.