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Yeonjun was silent as he finally twisted the metal key within its designated lock, only making the tiniest amount of noise when a sigh of relief slipped past his glossed pink lips. He twisted the silver knob with a hand that was decorated with a diamond ring along his second to last finger, the sparkling bracelet that too adorned his slim wrist having swayed a bit as he pushed open the fiberglass barrier. He entered with a tight chest and heavy shoulders, but then again he believes he's felt like that all night—the feeling having increased when understanding that he no longer had to fake a smile or pretend that he didn't want to cry out from frustration. Now he was able to walk through the entryway of his home, husband Choi Soobin only steps behind him with a completely different expression. Now he was able to turn the corner and enter the large room (that was a combination of a kitchen, dining room and living room all because of an open floor plan) before throwing his set of keys onto the white marble island. And through it all he let his lips fall into the deepest frown he could muster—and if asked about it say that it was due to exhaustion. He yet again let a deep breath slip out of him as he used that same counter as a form of stability while he toed off his annoying one-inch heel boots. He didn't bother with dragging them back towards the front door where a rack of other expensive shoes sat and decided to leave them tipped over in the middle of the floor.
"Ah, tonight's performance was amazing baby! Don't you think so!? Critics all over are going to be posting about it!" Soobin interrupted the once silent house with his loud voice filled with so much glee. Yeonjun could only hum in return, eyes catching the way his husband smiled so wide it looked as though his face would get stuck like so. The male with freshly dyed pink hair didn't want to ruin his lover's rush of happiness by spewing his true thoughts and feelings, so with one last faux lipped-grin he then refocused his attention onto making quick ramen. The way Soobin continued to babble on soon became background noise; all of the random shouts of joy, the squeals. Yeonjun occasionally shook his head as if he were listening, eyes darting about the modern kitchen in search of a useful pot. One was found in a lower cupboard. "I mean of course there will be one or two journalists who'll say something stupid like how I didn't execute certain runs perfectly, but to hell with them. They probably don't know what they're talking about anyway—here's the ramen packages Jun."
In the midst of his ranting Soobin had made his way to a pantry hidden behind a sliding door, collecting two packages of chicken flavored noodles. He waited for Yeonjun to fill the pot with water from the sink faucet, then tossing the rectangular packets over. The catch was done with a quiet thank you, to only return to nothing when he turned the burner on and began the easy cooking. It seems as though the tall ravenette was oblivious to his spouse's dejected expression before and continued to be as he prodded his way towards the couch yet being too full of excitement to actually sit down. Yeonjun licked at his lips before heading towards a nearby drawer. As if it were a routine, he grabbed for a packet of cigarettes and a small lighter that had been placed beside it. Everything felt like clockwork when it came to him stalking over to a sliding glass door, pulling it open and then taking one or two steps out into the night where he then pulled a orange and white stick from its box. He could still hear Soobin talk about his fun night, yet he was pushed to the back of his mind as Yeonjun focused on curling his fingers around the end of the cigarette so he could light it without the wind blowing the fire from the lighter out. He could feel himself slowly begin to relax after he exhaled his first drag. He watched as the grey smoke left his lips and entered the air around him, temporarily existing.
"And Beomgyu... gosh Beomgyu, Junnie. Without him and his amazing vocals, his part of the duet wouldn't have been possible" Yeonjun tried his hardest not to cringe. He covered his discomfort by inhaling for a little longer, wishing that the burn that attacked his lungs would maybe just spread a little further. Unfortunately he still leant against the metal frame of the sliding door, lean figure lightly shivering when a breeze sneaked by. "He deserved just as much praise. If the award we won wasn't going to the company, I would have definitely let him keep it."
"Yeah, so his ego can inflate even further?" The male with pink hair finally spoke. His voice came out raspy so he cleared it. "You're giving him a lot more credit than he actually deserves," He smashed the end of the cigarette up against the side of the house before flicking it down onto the ground. He can already hear Soobin scolding him for leaving behind his buds. He then caught gazes with his muddled husband as he blindly shut the patio door behind him. He tossed the lighter onto the island before maneuvering his way over towards a now boiling pot of noodles. He switched off the burner. "He might sound good on the recorded track, but when y'all performed live he was lacking. He was straining himself."
Dumping in the little packets of flavoring to then mix it all together, Yeonjun not too long after went searching for a bowl and a pair of chopsticks. He occupied his attention on plating his late night dinner so he wouldn't have to witness the sight that was probably a disappointed Soobin. The taller had gotten closer to the other, eyebrows furrowing as he hoped that Yeonjun would explain where such bitter words were coming from. The older one stayed silent though. He was locked on dumping a pot of wavy noodles into a porcelain bowl, too adding in the tasteful broth.
"You're only saying that because you don't like him" It was the sentence that broke their battle of tension. And it was also said with a light chuckle, hoping to bring the dampened mood back up. Soobin refuses to let anything ruin his successful night. After attending an after party he truthfully just wanted to go home and have a peaceful moment with someone he loved more than anything. He wanted to relax, eat something that wasn't just cheese and crackers, maybe even get Yeonjun in the mood for a steamy session within the bedroom. Finally realizing that said lover wasn't as enthusiastic as he was, was making those plans scramble. "Come on baby, he was great tonight. And so were you for supporting me."
Maybe being sweet will change things? So slithering his way up beside the older he then pulled him in by the waist, leaving light pecks to his neck. Yeonjun had craned his head for more of the ticklish affection, yet he didn't seem to be enjoying any of it if his stoic reaction was anything to go by. He just kept his sight ahead of him, lips pierced in a straight line. Eventually Soobin caught the hint after seconds of no sexual reciprocation like usual. He looked down at his husband and clicked his tongue. He took steps back until he was now leaning onto the counter, palms giving support while he also ducked his head. His black bangs that had been parted down the middle swooped forward to cover some of his eyes, yet didn't completely hide the way he looked discouraged.
"You're upset about something."
"I'm not" Yeonjun replies quickly. And it might have been believable if he had some emotion behind it; if he tried to maintain eye contact with the person he loves instead of picking up the bowl of ramen and carrying it to their small wooden table. Gosh if he would have done anything else, Soobin's mind would have eased and he could go back to celebrating. "Come eat. I'm going to go take a bath."
He could already feel the warm water engulfing him as he slinked his body further into the white tub, soap that smelled like pomegranate foaming up into giant bubbles that couldn't help but stick to his smooth skin. Maybe he'll even play some music? The tension within his muscles were already relaxing at the imagery and for once the entire night he could say that a genuine smirk tugged at the corner of his lips. Only before he could execute the plan of a soothing moment within the bathroom, his husband was already standing in front of him blocking all access. Obviously he wasn't the least bit fooled by Yeonjun's response and was making it his goal to get a proper, real answer. So reaching out to grip at the older's hands he then got closer, evidently prodding at something that didn't need to be provoked.
"Is it something I did? Is it about my thank you speech?" Seems as though realization must have dawned upon the ravenette, because now he was tightening his hold upon the other while spewing more gibberish nonsense that Yeonjun had half a mind to fully take into account. "Everyone knows I appreciate all of the help and support you've given me when it comes to this song. Saying your name slipped my mind and I'm sorry about that. I just tried to keep it short and to the point, only trying to mention-"
"That's rich," A snicker was given in return, the older having also yanked his hands away before sidestepping his lover and continuing his way towards the bathroom. "Soobin, you've thanked whoever and whatever you could. Beomgyu, your third grade music teacher, the little barista downtown who makes your coffee. Everyone on planet Earth was given just a smidge of credit, while I'm left here amazed that you're being awarded for something that's based off of me."
Having ventured off towards the bathroom where he was then met with a large white porcelain tub with long silver knobs, he wasn't able to witness the baffled and slightly frustrated expression of his husband. And having been too busy twisting and turning the knobs in order to find the right water temperature, he wasn't able to return to the living room and watch as Soobin began to ponder a lot harder than before about the words spoken to him. The ravenette kept furrowed eyebrows and lips in a straight line even while stalking over to the dining room table; pulling out a wooden chair painted black before seating himself. Then his large hands reached for his bowl of ramen, tastebuds already anxious to eat the delicious smelling noodles and leading him to salivate while mixing the meal around with his chopsticks. It wasn't until Soobin grabbed a generous amount of food with his utensils, raising it towards his awaiting mouth did he finally shout a reply back. He didn't care whether or not Yeonjun responded (or if he even heard him clearly), he just needed to say something.
"You're ridiculous! The song isn't about you! Why would I—you sound delusional!" He shoveled the heavy amount of noodles past his lips, body immediately tensing when the heat was a little too unbearable. He continued chewing nonetheless, swallowing with a satisfied hum. Yet all while the late night meal filled his empty stomach with ease, it surely didn't stop the new conviction he held for an unresponsive male. "Yeah, the story behind it in some ways might relate to what you've experienced," Another bite. "But I wouldn't intentionally create lyrics that talk about how you've lost yourself to depression. That's too explicit and too personal!" He ate as if he hadn't just sounded like an insolent douchebag. It's why he didn't even blink an eye when not even a minute later Yeonjun stormed his way back into the room, emotions deterring on the edge of shock and furious.
His feet were bare against the cold floor, collared shirt now untucked and completely unbuttoned. His leather belt was long gone and his slacks were unzipped, about ready to slide off his hips. It was obvious that he was in the middle of undressing, still pursuing the short term dream that was relishing in the tranquility of a supposedly unwinding bath. But unfortunately he had to stop his nibble fingers from removing any other pieces of his once well put together outfit, all because of the man who stared back at him as if he'd done nothing but silently enjoy his ramen. It only irked Yeonjun even further; hands curling into fists and nose inhaling enough air to help withdraw as many emotions in his next sentence.
"Are you serious? You're going to lie and fucking belittle me—while eating a stupid bowl of ramen at that" There was a scoff given, his lips quirking into a pathetic smile. His tongue darted to the inside of his cheek, head slowly nodding as he tried to wrap his head around the absurd words the ravenette spewed between bites of soggy noodles and chicken broth. "So go ahead then Soobin. Tell me, what is this duet that you did with oh so precious Beomgyu about? Because if not about me, then what? Who? Because it sure as hell wasn't about your perfect life."
Soobin was silent. The glob of food shoved past his lips had punctuated his cheeks, giving him a more innocent look. Something that he was far from. And he slowly chewed at the ramen, the gears within his head turning as tried to conjure an explanation good enough to fit Yeonjun's standards. But with every second that he'd done nothing, said nothing, the man with pink hair could feel his anger levels rise. How dare the one person who was supposed to love and care for him no matter his past, go and use those same mistakes against him? It was heartbreaking. It made Yeonjun feel insecure all over again. He had the new need to curl up and cry, while trying to dismiss the itch that was to fall back into old patterns even though he's been clean for a few years now. It was obvious that Soobin still saw him as a spiraling singer—someone who at first lived off the adrenaline that was crowds cheering his name and expressing their undying love, but eventually grew conscious of the anxiety and nerves that would soon take over him. Soobin still saw his skinny figure on the ground, a euphoric smile stretching at his face and a bottle of unprescribed pills laying not too far from his head. Never was he seen as a healing man who yearned to be loved by someone that really meant all of the words said or actions done. He was just Choi Yeonjun: used to be a pop star who's now a depressed drug addict who could never come back from his major meltdown.
"Like I said, it's not about you" The older man put his hands to his hips waiting for more. The ravenette dropped his chopsticks into his now empty bowl. He leant back in his seat, arms crossing themselves over his chest. "The first verse was leaning more towards my cousin Jeongin. You've met him before. And then the hook was about my friend Jungwon. Even Beomgyu shared a few of his experiences when it came to writing the song. So you need to get over yourself and understand that there are other living people."
Yeonjun won't comment on the way his chest tightened. He won't even cringe at the way his eyes stung with fresh tears. Instead he'll just shift the conversation; find a way to end their lax argument without too much heartache. Only with how his lips moved to match the thoughts surrounding the big apology of being sorry, he knew that their spew wasn't going to end so casually. They were basically at war now and it wasn't over until one surrendered. Of course with the both of them being severely headstrong, it's only natural that one goes down battered and bruised.
"Right, because maybe if I open my eyes just a little wider I'll be able to notice that Beomgyu and I are just alike," Soobin rolled his eyes. Here he goes again. "Might as well be. He can be your other husband. The one that's just a little less fucked up and can pose for the cameras after late night studio sessions."
"I never cheated on you."
"I didn't say you did" Yeonjun's eyes narrowed and the taller one tracked a hand through his hair with a heavy sigh.
"I'm just saying, because you-"
"I didn't say...you did" A long moment of silence had surrounded the two after, tension circling them like a shadowy monster and using its claw-like hands to grip at their necks until they began to suffocate. But breaking the quiet was Soobin scooting back in his chair, the bottom of the legs scratching against the floor and letting an unbearable screech sound throughout the house. He grabbed for his dirty bowl before making his way over towards the sink. His back had been turned to the glaring older, giving him the time to drop his face into a frown. He never did like arguing with Yeonjun. He loved him too much to do so, but at times like these it was almost impossible to avoid. The pink-haired male was always searching for a way to pick a fight; to then once he knew he had the upper hand would add another layer of red bricks to his already so high impenetrable wall. Just when Soobin thinks he's finally tearing at the thick barrier, he's met with another that will only leave him helpless one day. "You're fucking unbelievable."
The ravenette sighed. He swallowed to where his Adam's apple bobbed slowly. But eventually he turned around, briefly throwing his hands in the air with what could only be described as annoyance. He then shoved those same palms deep within his pockets before speaking.
"What did I do Yeonjun? Please fucking tell me so whatever aggression you're feeling right now can end" He took one heavy step forward, chin having been lifted with all submission from before completely gone. "I wanted tonight to end as great as it started, but of course you always find some way to make it about you. So if that's what you want, the floor is yours" He huffed out a breath, voice lowering into something deadly. "I asked you before the event if you were okay several times and each answer was: yes, Soobin. I'm fine Soobin. I told you repeatedly how gorgeous you were tonight. Everyone knows that I'm loyal to you and you only. And for Christ sake, the song isn't some interpretation about how you almost killed yourself by popping one too many pills! So come down from whatever fucking high you're on right now and realize that tonight wasn't about you! It never was!"
He was panting by the end of his rant. He also had taken his hands from his pockets, them having at some point slamming down on their marble island and then curling into tight fists. Soobin could say that he saw the way Yeonjun took each blow personally. His eyes were watering yet didn't dare shed a single tear. His bottom lips also wobbled lightly as if desperately trying to hold back sobs that dared to rise from his throat like vomit. But the taller one didn't dare look away from the painful sight. Instead he kept his gaze locked on the older, watching how he simply stood there mute. Or that was until he grabbed the nearest item (it being the used pot for the ramen) and threw it at Soobin with so much strength there might have been a dent in the wall. Luckily the taller had moved out of the way fast enough, the dish just barely missing his frame and instead clattering about into the sink. Unfortunately more things had been thrown at him; a box of tissues (that hit him in the chest), a vase (he ducked for thank God , it instead shattering behind him), his uncomfortable shoes from before (one got him in the arm, the other whipping past his head).
"Yeonjun! Stop!" Soobin yelled each time. Eventually he dropped into a squat, hiding behind the counter. Just the top of his head would be seen whenever the pink-haired took a break to find something new—only for him to hide once more with a squeal. It was after a minute or two had gone by with no household items being used as a weapon and soft sniffling being heard within the quiet home did the taller male finally stand back up. His chest tightened at the sight of Yeonjun finally letting his tears fall. "Baby..."
"No! Don't come near me!" His burst of anger stopped Soobin in his tracks. "You're an asshole you know that!? You're constantly putting on this act as if you know the struggles that come with the music industry," He wiped at his eyes. "When reality is that everything has been handed to you. Your mother is a lawyer, your father is your producer. Never have you dealt with snotty imbeciles that tell you how shitty your music really is. Making you feel like an absolute failure; that after the first record you'll flop. So don't you dare throw the idea of finally making something about me back in my face. I've been through it all Soobin...you know, because I almost killed myself. But that's right," Yeonjun chuckled. "Your mediocre ass song isn't about that. I was just reading too far into it. I promise next time I'll make sure to ask what perfect Beomgyu went through."
There was a scoff given before the older turned his back and went to the bathroom. Touching the water that had been sitting within the tub he was glad that it still held its warmth. So after stripping from the rest of his clothing he then stepped in, resting his back against the cold porcelain. After letting his body get used to the engulfing liquid, he then raised his hands that cupped a small bit of water to drop it over his head. He raked his fingers through his dyed strands, now having felt the hair slick back and stick to his neck. Right after he was dipping his hands into the water once more, splashing some onto his face where he then rubbed until his makeup was smudging. He might have looked ruined, but he honestly felt refreshed. Yeonjun might even say that he was officially relaxing. With his neck resting against the ledge, eyes closed while his ears intently listened to the classical music blaring from his phone (something he put on when he was first prepping for his bath), it genuinely felt like nothing (not even a pacing Soobin, who soon entered with a confused expression) could ruin his time. Only that same tall husband of his did ruin everything—the very second he opened his pouty lips to speak.
"What did you mean by mediocre?"
Yeonjun didn't know whether he wanted to face palm or slap some sense into the other.
"That's all you got from that? What an idiot."
Soobin slinked his way over to the edge of the bathtub, hands momentarily sliding their way into the warm water and brushing up against his husband's leg. After feeling the other pull away, Soobin retracted his touch.
"You can call my music shitty all you want Yeonjun, you're not hurting me by saying it. Because there's still tons of people out there willing to buy it. It's not my fault your career ended after you threw it away for drugs...you did that on your own" The pink-haired kept a stoic face. "So you do all this projecting, hoping that maybe I'll be just as depressed as you. But baby you're not the first broken person I've been with" A smile was matched with a narrow stare. "My first partner was a girl. Yeah, met her in high school and had a rocky relationship up until the end of senior year when she moved after graduation. She friended me on Facebook recently, occasionally texting me how she misses me and wishes that things could have ended differently" Soobin inhaled. "I only really send hearts back because I don't know how to respond to that. Then there was my first boyfriend only a year into my career. I found out he was using after catching him injecting heroin in our shared apartment. I heard he's in rehab now, but who knows if he'll stay clean, he also was a compulsive liar. Then there was that time right before I met you" Soobin kept his eyes locked on Yeonjun's trembling ones. "I had my last tour date in Vegas. Met some prostitute outside a bar and spent the rest of the night fucking her on a heart shaped bed. I took a picture of her, printed it out the next day. I still have it actually. It should be in an album somewhere in storage" There was a pause. "Did you want me to keep going?"
Yeonjun cleared his throat. He even gave his best attempt at a smile.
"Yes Soobin, please continue. I would love to hear more" He sounded so weak. So disturbed.
"That's what's wrong with you. You're a freak who enjoys being hurt. So please wipe that smile off your face because you look fucking insane" Yeonjun almost immediately obeyed before raising his hand to then flip his middle finger up. Soobin rolled his eyes before standing to his feet. He spared his husband one last glance before walking out the bathroom. The older watched his figure retreat, yet again allowing droplets of his salty tears to fall down his cheeks. He didn't let them trail for long though as he was then wiping them away before sliding further down within the tub until he was fully submerged. And while he did so, Soobin took it upon himself to start cleaning the mess that had been all over the kitchen. He mumbled to himself, curses of having to collect everything that had been thrown. He left the shattered vase for last, carefully picking up each piece of clear glass. Only just when he thought he had collected all the shards, his eyes deceived him and accidentally managed to get a tiny slice stuck in his palm. He hissed at the sudden pain, irises watching as blood began to ooze past his skin.
But not one to be a crying child about a small cut, he just shuffled over to the trash can and plucked the glass from his hand to then toss it into the bin. At the opening, more of his red fluid flowed with ease.
"Yeonjun! Yeonjun, where's the first aid kit!?" He grabbed nearby paper towels, pressing them against his hand.
"Why!?"
"Because I cut my fucking hand on the stupid vase you threw!" He was growing impatient from the indirect response. He shouldn't have to explain himself unless it was a dire emergency—which it wasn't, but probably will end up soon if Yeonjun doesn't say something, leading him to bleed out.
"It's in here!" Soobin got ready to head back over to the bathroom. Only he wasn't able to make it too far when walking into the room was his husband. He was now dressed in a loose fitting white t-shirt, accompanied by shorts that were small enough to show the majority of his long legs. The ravenette was able to inhale his refreshing scent that came with his body wash the closer he got; too being able to take in all of his natural beauty now that it was rid of all makeup. He had even tied the majority of his pink hair back into a ponytail, only small front pieces managing to escape its hold and begin to frame his face. Then dangling from his right hand was a red box that carried many medical utensils. "Go sit on the couch, I'll help patch you up."
Not denying the assistance, Soobin made his way over to their gray sectional couch and took a seat. Yeonjun followed right after, plopping down right beside him so little to no space was provided between them. Opening the first aid kit, the older man grabbed what things were needed before reaching for his lover's injured hand. He grimaced at how much blood had managed to escape—the disgust managing to conjure up a snicker from within the ravenette. They sat in silence while Yeonjun got to work, a smirk managing to crack at his lips when hearing Soobin begin to whine at how the ointment made his cut burn. And it wasn't until his hand was being bandaged with a wrap was their conversation brought back up.
"My song might not have been entirely about you, but I can say that the ending line of the chorus was" Yeonjun looked up at him with furrowed eyebrows. Please use me like a drug. "I'm sorry. I love you so much and I wish you'd just realize that. No matter how much you try to push me away, I'm not leaving you. You're beautiful to me Choi Yeonjun. So let me be there for you."
Their foreheads had been brought together some point during his spill of emotions, both of them having closed their eyes. And once Soobin finished Yeonjun nodded. He leant back so he was able to intake all of the gorgeous features of his husband. A smile slowly but surely reached his face as he mumbled something along the lines of agreeing.
"I love you too. And I'm sorry as well. I didn't mean it when I said your music is shit" There were laughs from both parties. Or that was until they found themselves sharing a kiss. It was slow and sweet at first, only escalating when the older pushed for more. Even though Soobin hadn't done any real damage to his hand, Yeonjun made sure to be cautious of the injury when he made the move to climb onto his partner's lap. It didn't take long for the tensions to rise into something far more sexual; kisses getting sloppier and hastier.
"I've been waiting for this all night" Soobin sighs delightfully when feeling Yeonjun break away to trail nips against his neck. The other hummed in return. "Being able to spend the rest of the night holding you. Loving you" The pecks had been stopped so they were able to look another in the eye. Goofy grins were present as they indulged in another lipped kiss. It didn't go on for too long though when Soobin began to pull away. "Okay, okay" They were kissing again. "Now I love where this is going," Mouth to mouth once more. "But if you just stay here and let me pee," Yeonjun gently moved back to his spot on the couch nodding along. The ravenette replicated his expression. "I promise I'll be right back and we can continue. Think positive thoughts" He got up in a rush, practically running to the bathroom. The older watched him go with a smile. A smile that only lasted seconds before he felt it gradually fall.
He doesn't mean to be negative. It's always been an impulse. So curling up into a ball staring out at the electric fireplace, it was natural for him to spiral back into his pit of despair. Even on good days he'll find himself reliving old memories. He hated it. He hated himself. But after tonight and after everything said, he began to believe that maybe everyone was right about him. He was doomed from the start. Rising star Choi Beomgyu (whether Yeonjun liked to admit it or not) did deserve every little praise he's gotten since he's shown his face. Soobin deserved someone as good as him. That's probably why their duet did so well? Before the pink-haired knew it he was letting more of those awful tears fall. And when Soobin returned from relieving his bladder, one good look at his lover's face and he knew he might as well suffer from blue balls. So taking a seat beside Yeonjun, he reached out to hopefully comfort the older with soothing caresses to his knees.
"Why didn't you let me sing with you? I promise I would have been good" His words came out choked and drenched with sobs of his inner turmoil. He didn't try to wipe away his tears like all the other times either. Just let them free fall and stain what was once dry.
"So this is what tonight was all about? You were jealous?"
Yeonjun was quick to shake his head.
"No, no. I promise I'm not."
"Yes you are. You spent this entire time beating around the bush about what the problem was, when in all reality you just wanted your fame back."
"Soobin no, this is different" He patted against his chest as if he was hyperventilating and needed the extra shove in order to get oxygen back into his lungs. "It's almost as if this chaos is brewing inside of me and I don't know how to express it because you already did. You did and Beomgyu did. And I understand that it's not all about me, I do. But you managed to take all of that ugly shit and make it into something so beautiful. Something people can be inspired by. While I'm stuck...stuck with all of it everyday."
Soobin nodded in understanding.
"I know."
"I just wish that this was something that we could have done together, you know? Because if I'm being brutally honest, I would have been better."