Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He’s overjoyed to have a real place to live again.

Really, he’s not disappointed about not rooming with Richard in Erlich’s incubator anymore.

Although he would really like to get some sound sleep one of these nights.

It’s perfectly normal to sleep poorly in a new space. Every time he changed Foster homes, the first night in the garage, there’s an initial uneasiness to overcome before proper, restorative sleep is possible. An extra ten minutes in a warm shower and some black tea are enough to get him through the first day with no one figuring out a thing.

But it’s been five days and the prickling sensation is starting to come back. Sometimes it feels like his shirt is suffocating him, even when the buttons are undone and the sleeves are loose around his wrists. Other times he’s cold and clammy and maybe his green vest is starting to stink but it’s warm and feels like a hug and maybe it’s the only thing keeping him together.

He’s working on a presentation or maybe it’s a form or a letter. All he knows is his computer is on and a word doc is open but the only thing there is a string of wingdings and a note - talk to Richard about X - he wishes he could remember what it was about.

He closes his eyes to think, to block out the bright computer screen, just for a moment.

He opens his eyes to a nice view of the popcorn ceiling.

He thinks Richard don’t eat the ceiling it’ll upset your stomach.

Or maybe he said that out loud because Richard looks worried. Oh, it’s Richard. He thinks he smiles, it feels more like a twitch.

Someone helps him walk to the gaming room. It’s Richard; he’s such a good boss. But he looks queasy and Jared should be helping him but his chest hurts and he’s exhausted and the quiet ‘I’m here’s and ‘stay with me’s are all he can focus on, aside from Richard’s face and something rubbing circles on his wrists.

Richard’s here and he’s okay now.

But the others are here too and they’re staring and he just wants Richard why can’t they see that?

Then he’s in Richard’s room and it’s quiet and Richard is coaxing him up into the loft. He’s strung out and tired but Richard’s hand is rubbing up and down his sternum - when did he take his shirt off? - and for the first time in days he feels like he can breathe again.

“Um… I’m here, okay? Can-can you take some deep breaths? Maybe try to sleep a little?”

“Are you going to stay?”

Richard’s hand stops moving and Jared’s fairly certain his heart exploded.

“Well - that’s…” He rolls his neck. “I’m-I’m here and I'll stay so-so you should be good. To sleep I mean.”

No night sweats. No German yelling. Just proper, restorative sleep.

Though he did drool on Richard’s shirt.

Chapter Text

Dinesh hasn’t typed a single line of code in at least five minutes. He can’t tear his eyes away, like one of those natural disasters Gilfoyle makes him watch news footage for. It’s bad. TechCrunch bad, maybe worse.

“He’s doing it again.”

“No shit.” Erlich stands behind Richard’s station. “He looks like a cracked out squirrel.”

“Didn’t you give a squirrel crack?” Gilfoyle leans back in his chair. “Last year, Fourth of July.”

“No!” Erlich crosses his arms. “But one did get into my mushrooms, that was sick.”

Richard sets his headphones on his keyboard. “Guys, we have a lot of work to do. Oh shit how long’s he been like that?”

Jared is twitchy, hands raising to type only to curl against his chest, muttering about Scrum and mission statements and the rest is a jumble of nonsense. Dinesh taps his shoulder and he flinches, and his fingers flail across his keyboard.

“At least a day. Richard he’s freaking me out you need to do something,” Dinesh pleads.

“Fine.” He waves a hand in front of Jared. No response. “Jared? You doing okay-?” Jared falls over. “Oh there he goes oh shit.”

“Don’t eat the ceiling Richard.” Jared mumbles from the floor.

“Well that’s frightening.” Richard stares down at Jared, chewing on his lips. “Um… hey, Jared. You should probably get up.”

“Tell Meredith I need five copies of the agreement on my desk. No. Six.”

“Who the hell is Meredith?” Erlich backs away from the table. “He’s losing his fucking mind and I’m not dealing with that. Richard this is your problem.”

Richard sighs. “Great. Okay.” He reaches down and struggles to pull Jared up to stand. “How about… let’s go to the couch.”

Jared’s breathing is shallow and wheezy and it looks way too familiar. It’s definitely a panic attack and Richard gags but he swallows back the bile before he throws up on Jared’s face. That would’ve been the least helpful thing he could possibly do right now. His hands are sweaty; he wipes his palms on his shirt before grabbing Jared’s wrists.

“Hey… I’m here Jared. It’s-it’s okay. Shit. Um… breathe? You’re supposed to say that right? Dinesh?”

“Yeah?”

“What do you do for a panic attack?”

Dinesh shrugs. “I don’t know dude you’re the one that’s had them.”

“You’re at your computer. Look… just Google it or something.”

Dinesh and Gilfoyle quickly turn to their monitors and type away.

Dinesh speaks first. “First thing, keep calm.”

“Well you’re already fucking that one up.” Gilfoyle adds.

Dinesh continues. “Ask what he needs.”

“Jared? Do-do you need something?” Jared’s fingers twitch and he squeezes his eyes shut. “Jared?”

Dinesh runs over with a printout. “Here, say this stuff. I guess it’s comforting to hear.”

“What?” Richard quickly scans the paper. “Uh… stay with me? Dinesh-” Dinesh makes a keep going motion. “Um… yeah, stay with me Jared.” He whines. “Breathe? Um… one, two- what? One two that’s… Breathe in?” Jared takes a breath. “We’re getting somewhere! Okay, breathe out.”

“It’s like watching a person give CPR when they’re having a heart attack.” Gilfoyle shakes his head.

“Oh, that’s real fucking helpful Gilfoyle. Thank you.”

Jared pulls his hands to his chest, pulling Richard along with them. Richard yelps and knocks his head against Jared’s before righting himself. “Oh-kay, this isn’t working. Guys I’m gonna bring him in - over to my room so it’s quiet. I’ll be right back.”

They trip over each other and Jared looks like he’s going to start crying but Richard gets them to his room and shuts the door. It’s terrifying being on this side of a panic attack, he’s used to the overwhelming urge to hide under a chair until his heart stops pounding but he had no idea it looked like such a fucking trainwreck to everyone else. It’s making him nauseated just watching.

“Hey… so, you feeling better at all?”

“What?” Jared looks so lost and small, back kinked and shoulders slumped until he’s nearly Richard’s height.

“How about you sit down? Will… does that sound good?”

Jared backs up, watching under his armpits until he finds the chair. “Here?”

“Yeah, yeah that’s fine. Um… having trouble sleeping? You’re looking a little…”

“His ferrets are most active during the night. You know, they adjust to their owner’s schedule. I guess he’s up late.”

“Okay?”

“Maybe we can use Pied Piper to switch their schedule? Do ferrets respond to music? Research, we need a research department. Perhaps we could get additional funding?”

“Let’s… how about we think about that tomorrow.” Richard leans against the edge of his desk. “Do you need anything or…? Oh no don’t do that.” Jared blinks quickly, pressing his lips together. “Are you still panicky?” Richard rubs his stomach, feeling the familiar gurgling coming back full force. “What do-” Jared clings to Richard’s torso. “-okay.”

He can’t move his arms, but Jared’s hiding in his hoodie and rubbing his face against the fabric and he can’t figure out a good enough reason to make Jared let go. Richard hopes Jared’s not crying - maybe he is, it’s hard to tell - because he’s no good at consoling people. He just lets Jared hold on tight and pats his back with the small amount of motion he has, which isn’t a lot. He wriggles around a bit, the desk edge is digging into his lower back which isn’t great, and he gets a good whiff of Jared’s hair and grimaces. The sweater, and the rest of Jared honestly, smells pretty musky and unwashed and he really wants to tell Jared to shower but he doesn’t want to upset him worse.

Eventually, way, way too long for comfort, Jared stops breathing so fast and he sags against the back of the chair. Richard is almost sad Jared lets go, but he’s thankful Jared isn’t crying.

Instead Jared looks so tired and vulnerable and he’s looking up at Richard with lidded eyes and he wants to kiss Jared Dunn so bad right now. Jared looks adorable when he’s upset, which is terrible because Richard wants to acknowledge that Jared feels bad but not many people can manage to cry and not look like garbage.

But he doesn’t want to confuse Jared so he pushes his feelings aside - he’s done it plenty of times, like during that hug at TechCrunch or any time Jared shows his undying support when no one else will - and focuses on what Jared needs.

“Do you need anything? I can get… water or food or something.”

“I think it would be best if I slept. Could I stay over here?”

“Yeah, sure Jared. You can use my bed if you want.”

Jared nods and starts unzipping his vest, but then Richard gets worried when Jared starts unbuttoning his shirt. This is the first time he’s seen Jared’s chest and it’s pale and it looks smooth and he’s having a hard time keeping his hands to himself. Richard shoves his hands into his armpits and chews on his lip.

Of course Jared is shaky when he stands up, it’s nothing Richard hasn’t felt for himself. He has trouble using the ladder to climb up but Richard murmurs encouragements until Jared is comfortably sitting in the loft.

But then he’s breathing heavy again and RIchard nearly cracks his chin on the ladder trying to get up and calm Jared down. He guides Jared down so he’s lying on his back and rubs a hand over his chest. Richard can feel the railing digging into his back and he’s glad Erlich harassed him about using his bed properly. Falling out of his bed does not sound fun and Jared would not be much help.

Richard takes off his and Jared’s shoes and chucks them over the side of his bed. Jared pulls at his hand and places it on his sternum again, looking up with such a hopeful expression. Richard begins rubbing his hand up and down and Jared yawns. It’s a good sign, and even though he didn’t realize he was anxious Richard can feel his body relax.

He tries to think of something he likes to hear when his heart is too fast and he can’t seem to hold down any food. “Um… I’m here, okay? Can-can you take some deep breaths? Maybe try to sleep a little?”

“Are you going to stay?”

He freezes. He didn’t kiss Jared because he didn’t want to confuse him but does that mean it’s okay to share his bed with him? It’s what Jared wants, and probably what he needs if the scary German is any indicator of how Jared’s ‘good night’s sleep’ normally go.

But Jared looks like he might cry if Richard says he’s going to leave and he doesn’t want to go, so he fumbles over a response, “well - that’s…” He rolls his neck. “I’m-I’m here right now so-so you should be good. To sleep I mean.”

Jared smiles. It’s small and so very broken but it’s real and Richard couldn’t leave even if he wanted. He covers them both with a blanket.

He'll stay until Jared falls asleep.

And before he realizes what’s happened it’s morning. His sheets are dry, and Jared must not have screamed because he’s clinging to Richard’s waist and drooling all over his sweatshirt.

Jared still smells a bit musky and now he’s drooled on Richard’s shirt but Richard’s probably in love because none of that bothers him in the slightest.