Work Text:
Spock considered himself a Vulcan. Technically, he was half human as well, but he found that his mother’s species was emotional and irrational and having grown up on Vulcan, he found himself partial to follow Vulcan teachings. That being said, he was still half human. As much as Vulcans try to deny it, they feel. Spock felt deeply, perhaps just as much as a human and it made him ashamed. And of course, he was ashamed to feel ashamed and thus continued the cycle of self-consciousness that ruled him every moment he was awake.
Despite aligning with Vulcans, Spock spent his life around a mostly human crew and had to constantly adjust to interpreting human behavior and intentions. It was exhausting and overwhelming, but usually manageable with the proper mental shields put in place. This was enforced with meditation, but Spock hadn’t been able to meditate in nearly a week.
The Enterprise had faced yet another crazy tribe on some crazy planet, resulting in crazy near-death experiences, all things that tried and strained Spock’s mental barriers to a new extreme. As if that wasn’t enough, when it was all over and they’d barely survived, they threw a party. Typical humans. Celebrate after just slight success.
Spock was still quite shaken up from the events that transpired, so he didn’t attend, instead opting to retire to his quarters. He didn’t want to think about how his captain had almost died and it was all Spock’s fault. The first officer’s duty was to protect the captain, and he had failed. He was a failure. It was a wonder Jim was even his friend. And Jim had insisted that they were friends after daily chess games, being practically roommates, and spending almost all of their time together. Sometimes Spock wished they weren’t friends because then he wouldn’t worry about disappointing him. And he would. Disappoint him. It wasn’t a matter of ‘if’ but a matter of ‘when’. When would Spock disappoint Jim?
Spock tried and failed to quell these intrusive thoughts as he walked down the corridor, away from the party. Okay, so he had attempted to make an appearance, but the noise and the smell of alcohol paired with his lack of meditation had overwhelmed his senses almost imediately.
No one would miss him anyway. No one would notice one shadow slip through the cracks.
Spock envied Jim because it was easy for him. He connected with everyone, and was instantly liked without even trying. He didn’t have to think about his every gesture or how his inflection might affect a statement. He just said things and they were exactly as he intended. He always managed to say the right thing. And he blended with every crowd.
Spock had never had it easy.
He walks through the corridors, counting his steps until he’s back in his quarters, safe from interruptions.
The only interruption he’d welcome would be the captain’s, but he was in sickbay once again, an arrow impaled in him three inches from his heart. Spock had been with him until the captain woke up, not wanting to take up his time. He knew deep down Jim would wonder why Spock hadn’t come to visit him when he was awake, and the Vulcan felt guilty swirl in his gut for that one too.
Spock entered his quarters and felt the weight drop from him immediately. He didn’t know he’d be so relieved, but he was. It was finally over and he could finally rest. First things first was to start some tea. He despised replicated tea, so he kept an actual tea pot and tea in a lovely jar. It was authentic with Vulcan spices, something he’d had since childhood.
While the water was boiling, he took a quick shower and disposed of his ruined uniform and pants. They were ripped and dirty, beyond repair at this point.
Once he let his tea steep, he realized it was slightly chilly in his quarters. The thermostat reported no change in temperature what so ever, but he felt it in his bones. As a person from a desert planet, he didn’t have any warm clothes other than his uniform.
And then he got an idea that was both terrible and irresistible. He snuck over to the captain’s quarters and rifled through his closet. Jim was from Iowa, a cold and sinful place based on Spock’s understanding. He decided on a red zip up hoodie that looked comfortable enough for his purposes.
Spock slid it on and smiled to himself. It was perfect, a little baggy on the sides, but it was thick and warm. Not to mention it smelled like pine and sandalwood. He could resist breathing in Jim before finally zipping it up.
He turned around to leave but nearly ran into Jim.
Spock nearly ran into Jim.
Jim, who was just standing there, gaping at him.
Spock felt himself really getting warm now, as if he’d been caught red-handed doing something awful. Here he was, standing in Vulcan silk pajama bottoms with his regulation black undershirt and Jim’s jacket.
“Captain,” Spock managed, hoping he didn’t sound as choked up as he felt.
“Spock,” Jim said, equally awkward.
“I believed--I assumed Doctor Mccoy would keep you overnight in sickbay.”
Jim shrugged half-heartedly. “I begged him not to.”
They both just stared at each other for a moment longer, Spock being mildly mortified.
“Captain, I can explain,” Spock started up instantly. “I was slightly uncomfortable with the temperature of my quarters and sought something warmer..I-”
“It’s alright, Spock.” I look of warm compassion came over Jim, and it made Spock’s heart ache. “I totally get it. If you’re ever cold feel free to borrow my stuff. Heaven knows I don’t need it out here.”
Spock was already taking off the jacket, but Jim’s hands on his arms stopped him. They were so warm through the fabric.
“No, no, really it’s alright. Keep it.”
Spock inhaled sharply, nodding his head. “I will be leaving you then. You require rest.”
“Ok.” It was probably Spock’s imagination, but he looked disappointed.
“Goodnight, captain,” Spock said, walking past Jim toward the bathroom. He didn’t want to leave either, but Jim needed rest.
He reentered his own quarters, one hand clutching the fabric of the jacket. Why was Jim so nice to him? Why was Spock even here? In space? In life?
Somehow he wandered over to the desk, absently opening the top drawer. His fingers brushed over the original handcrafted dagger that had been in his family for generations, a gift from his father when he was accepted into the VSA. He didn’t know why he’d kept it after all these years. It wasn’t like he and Sarek were on good terms.
He picked it up and unsheathed the blade, examining it. Even after all these years, it was as sharp as ever. Sharp enough to pierce a heart.
Spock glanced down at the jacket he was zipped up in and set the knife back down, closing the drawer quickly.
He couldn’t stand another minute with his thoughts like this.
Spock walked back through the shared bathroom on a mission to find Jim when he bumped straight into someone.
Those warm arms gripped his shoulders for stability and Spock nearly smiled.
“Jim,” He whispered.
“Spock.” The captain’s eyes were wide and hopeful, saying a million things all at once.
“Can I stay with you?” Spock asked before he could rationalize himself out of it, tugging on the sleeves of the jacket. “I do not wish to be alone.”
“Yes, absolutely,” Jim beamed, squeezing Spock’s arms gently. “I don’t want to be either.”
They played chess and when Jim got too tired, they laid down in his bed, distant at first, but eventually they were wrapped up in each other.
“Why didn’t you come see in sickbay?” Jim asked sleepily after several minutes of comfortable silence.
“I did not want to interfere with your recovery.”
Jim just shook his head. “I think you’re directly influencing my recovery.”
“Surely that is a good thing?” Spock hoped it sounded teasing instead of borderline self-conscious.
“Absolutely,” Jim rolled over so they were face to face, only inches apart now. Spock might have actually smiled when a hand found his under the blanket.
It was hesitant, but Spock was the one who intertwined their fingers, which delighted Jim to a whole new level. This was new and exciting, but they would take it slow, explore this blissful world together in their own time. There was no rush to this gentle existence and there didn’t have to be.
They had time.