Chapter Text
The first time Emma told Regina about Hook, she did it nonchalantly, almost as if she was assuring her that it was no big deal.
“I like him, but that’s it. I’m sure it won’t last more than a couple of months. My relationships never do anyway ” she’d said, shrugging. Emma had seemed completely convinced about what she was saying, so Regina let herself believe her. Regina clung to it like a stubborn little hope.
Regina knew it was wrong; she shouldn’t hope for her best friend’s relationship to fail. If anything, she should’ve been supportive. Emma was happy, and so was Henry, so she should’ve been happy too. But months blurred into years, and hope began to feel pathetic
If she had to be honest, she had brought the heartache on herself. Regina knew better than to keep wishing and waiting for her happy ending. She didn’t deserve it, and as much as she had changed and turned good, she wasn’t a hero. She’d always be chased by the shadow of her evil, the price paid in quiet. So, Regina smiled and smiled at an Emma who grew more and more smitten by that idiotic pirate every day.
When Robin came back into the picture, Regina tried to fool herself into thinking: this is it. Maybe she did have a happy ending and it was with him; after all, he was her supposed true love and that was that. Destiny and magic didn’t lie. Emma was just a whim her capricious heart refused to let go, stubborn as it always had been. So she sank into Robin’s love and let herself feel content with being chosen
Who was she to claim she knew true love anymore? Daniel had passed so long ago, and the love she felt for Henry was so different it didn’t compare.
But Regina knew, deep down, that those were only the lies she’d told herself to keep her heartbreak trapped in a little box in the back of her head. Lies she whispered to herself just to stay upright every time Emma smiled at Hook as if he put the stars in her sky, or when they shared a kiss in front of her, or to stop herself from ripping his heart out every time Emma came to her with a face that only Regina knew hid pain caused by him.
If she stopped lying, she’d break again. She refused.
When Robin died, it gutted her. Like someone ripped away her last illusion of safety, like someone pulling the carpet from under her feet. She was sad, even despondent, there was no denying that. But she was also confused and relieved, and as time went by, she understood those feelings revealed a smaller truth: she’d loved being chosen, not him. She moved on; she’d had practice.
The days blurred. A dull haze, all noise and motion. She threw herself into caring for her son, dealing with the next big bad that came, and hoping that was enough to keep her mind off Emma’s and Killian’s insufferable love. She pretended she was happy like this.
So, when Zelena grabbed Emma’s hand and Emma revealed her engagement, Regina had pulled her best acting skills and performed her happiness, even though her chest pinched and a ringing started in her ears.
When she arrived home that night, she refused to cry, pouring herself a drink instead and forgetting her sorrows by staying busy. Emma was happy, beaming, so Regina would be too. Point blank period.
Bells rang in Regina’s ears as Emma stepped into the room, radiant and ruinous, breath hitching as soon as she stepped in. Standing on the side, Henry next to her, Regina looked at Emma as she walked, wondering if she’d ever seen someone look so beautiful it could make the whole world stop spinning. She smiled because Emma sported such beauty that it was impossible not to, everything else fell away. Only Emma, and her beautiful white dress, her idiotic smile, and the blonde hair that even tied up into a bun shined like she’d swallowed the sun and dared the world not to notice.
As soon as Emma reached the altar, the world came back with such force that Regina felt like she was going to pass out.
This was it. This was the end. It dawned on her, ridiculously late, that the actual love of her life was right there in front of her, dressed in white, marrying someone that wasn’t her.
Right then, while Hook and Emma exchanged their vows, Regina’s hands trembled. Heat bloomed behind her eyes — the kind that meant tears, or fire. But Regina forced her biggest smile, as she stifled down her impending urge to scream out loud and burn everything down to the ground.
She counted how early she could leave her very own hell on earth without seeming rude.
Cheers Darlin’, here is to you and your lover boy…
She slipped out the second no one was looking. She opened the door to her mansion, which today seemed even more desolate than habitual. She followed her usual ritual. She dropped the keys in the bowl next to the entrance, pulled off her coat, and hung it on the vacant hanger to the left of the door. Her own breath echoed back at her — the house as hollow as her chest.
Cheers darlin’, I’ve got years to wait around for you…
She rested her shoulders against the big wooden door, her breathing irregular. Tears threatened to fall from her eyes, and Regina tried to straighten herself up. She hadn’t cried because of Emma Swan in years, she wasn’t going to start today. Not even if she felt like the world around her was crashing and burning. No, Regina had to be strong. Regina was strong.
But Regina was also tired. So damn tired her knees gave out under her weight.
Cheers darlin’, I’ve got your wedding bells in my ears…
Emma Swan was no longer hers — the other mother to her child, her best friend. She now was Emma Swan-Jones, wife of Killian Jones. If she was to be honest, Emma hadn’t been hers for a while, and Regina knew that she had just been avoiding the thought for years.
Cheers darlin’, you gave me three cigarettes to smoke my tears away…
But now, the thought was unavoidable. The deed was done. Emma was married. And she would never know how much Regina loved her — she would never know that Regina had loved her since Emma had strolled in with that ridiculous red jacket and those impossibly perfect blonde curls that made her look like the Disney princess she actually was.
And I die when you mention his name.
She wasn’t strong anymore. Strength had overstayed its welcome.. So, she held her stomach as it flipped painfully, rolling down to the ground, her back pressed to the front door. And then, Regina cried, tear after tear, sob after sob, each one louder than the last one.
It was impossible not to cry anymore. Her story had ended — quietly, without her, while she was still mid-sentence. Someone who didn’t deserve her — but made her smile like that. Emma’s actual true love.
The pain in Regina’s chest wasn’t like anything she’d felt before. It was like someone had taken her heart out and started crushing it, but held it right there, right at the brink of turning it into dust but not quite doing it. It was like someone had pushed all the air out of her lungs at once. It hurt so much that she felt like she was about to throw up.
And I lied, I should’ve kissed you when we were running in the rains
Regina wasn’t one to throw pity parties for herself anymore. But now, it felt impossible not to. How are you supposed to move on when the woman you’d loved for over 7 years was gone? Not dead — worse. Gone. How are you supposed to move on when you must see her smile, every day, at someone else? How are you supposed to move on when you can’t stop thinking about how it would’ve felt to see her walk down the aisle, not to a man, but to you.
What am I, darlin’? A whisper in your ear, a piece of your cake?
Regina would never know how it felt to have Emma look at her with that much devotion. She would never know how it felt to touch those lips after whispering an “I do” so softly it felt like a secret. She’d never get to experience how Emma’s eyes lit up as she told her she loved her. Regina would never know how it felt to be loved back by Emma Swan.
She clutched her stomach, trying to quiet the ache coiling inside.
What am I, darlin’?
All Regina had were memories of a time long past. The look of hope on Emma’s eyes as they started getting closer. The smile on Emma’s lips as they hugged their son together. Her hand on Regina’s as they prepared to defeat the next evil that surrounded their lives. The twinkle in her heart every time their magic worked together.
It should’ve been enough. It was supposed to be enough. But it never was. Not when she had to carry the pieces alone. It wasn’t enough because Regina’s heart was still trashed into pieces inside of her chest and the tears just didn’t stop coming. The pain wasn’t sharp — that would’ve been mercy. It was dull. Lingering. Like she was being erased, one cell at a time. It forced her to clutch her knees to her chest and just weep. Weep for her long-lost love and the death of her happy ending.
The girl you can fear or your biggest mistake?
She should’ve known better. Evil Queens don’t get happy endings — not really. They get footnotes and near-misses. Evil Queens don’t get redemption arcs and even so, she had had hers; she should just be grateful and happy. But still, she just wasn’t.
She hated this feeling — gutted and shapeless, like grief had hollowed her out with a spoon. She didn’t even know where to start to pick herself back up. She didn’t even know if it was possible. Regina had endured blow after blow, death after death, heartbreak after heartbreak. She’d been triumphant after all of them. But now, her whole world was collapsing, void of color, and she just wanted everything to be over with.
Cheers, darlin’. Here’s to you and your lover man.
Regina wondered if she could just lie here, forever. Close her eyes and just let herself be swallowed by her memories of Emma, the Emma she knew before Killian Jones appeared in the picture, her savior, her Emma.
The Emma who never took no for an answer. The Emma who paraded around Storybrooke as if she owned the place. The Emma who had believed in Regina from the beginning. The Emma who looked at her in the eye and told her she was good, even before Regina thought so herself.
The Emma who had stolen her heart so fast that Regina hadn’t even noticed before it was too late.
Cheers darlin’. I just sit around and eat from a can. Cheers darlin’, I got a ribbon of green in my guitar. Cheers darlin’, I got a beauty queen to sit not very far from me…
Regina felt like she was drowning in the memory of those eyes, eyes that were the same color as the sea that crashed in waves at the Storybrooke’s bay rocks. Green and blue, deep, and enticing. She clutched her knees closer and tighter to her chest, the back of her heels digging into her thighs.
And I die when he comes 'round to take you home,
Regina had thought that all hope she had was long forgotten when Emma told her she loved Hook. She really had thought that she was happy for Emma; if anyone deserved a happy ending was her. But now, lying on the cold marble floor, Regina knew it was all a big lie. As much as it pained her to be so miserably selfish, Regina knew she wasn’t ever happy – she was just holding on to the conflicting side of her melancholy.
I’m too shy. I should have kissed you when we were alone. What am I, darlin'? A whisper in your ear, a piece of your cake.
It was over. She couldn’t lie to herself anymore. The truth was right there in front of her, the cat was out of the bag: Regina Mills was completely in love with Emma Swan and Emma Swan would never love her back.
What am I, darlin’? The girl you can fear or your biggest mistake. What am I? What am I, darlin'?
What was she supposed to do now?
I got years to wait around for you…
She just cried, even when a knock on her door interrupted her sulking. Whoever it was, it didn’t matter anymore. Not even when her mind was playing tricks on her to make her hear the voice she died to hear.
“Regina?”
The voice again.
And for one reckless second, she let herself believe it was real.