Work Text:
Thursday evenings were, unequivocally, Neil’s favorite part of the week.
On the surface, the explanation for this was simple enough. It was his opportunity to leave behind the textbooks and forget about subjects like trigonometry, even just for an hour or two, and turn his focus entirely to the topic that made him happiest: Shakespeare. He had discovered soon after being cast as Puck that he was able to embody the character most fully when he was outdoors, surrounded by nature. He savored the time he was able to spend sitting out on the dock, overlooking the lake, reading and reciting the words he loved so much.
The other reason —perhaps the more prominent one— Neil wasn’t able to explain quite as easily. In fact, he could hardly admit it to himself. Thursday evenings… they meant being alone with Todd.
It wasn’t like spending time with Todd one-on-one was something necessarily uncommon. He was Neil’s roommate, so in fact, they spent quite a lot of time together alone. Still, during the rest of the week, the majority of that time was spent doing respective homework assignments on opposite sides of the room, and there was always the possibility of a knock at the door. Normally, an interruption from a friend or even a member of the faculty wouldn’t have particularly bothered Neil. But with Todd, something was different.
There was something about Todd. Something that Neil couldn’t even describe beyond the way being close to Todd made him feel uncharacteristically breathless . Neil would constantly find himself glancing in Todd’s direction when he knew that he wasn’t looking. In truth, he was beginning to find it harder and harder to tear his eyes away. Being around Todd invigorated him, inspired him, even more so than he had ever felt from his other friends. To Neil’s own embarrassment, he found himself thinking about Todd throughout the day. And as Todd continued to break out of his shell around Neil, revealing that he was sincerely outgoing and funny and radiant , the more Neil realized that the feelings he was experiencing were becoming impossible to push away.
This wasn’t the first time Neil had felt something about another boy. But those feelings had never been so all-consuming before. Not with anyone else. Just with Todd.
He knew nobody could ever know that he felt this way. Not Todd, not his friends, and especially not his family. His parents didn’t need another reason to consider him anything less than the perfect son they had wanted. But during those late afternoons painted in golden light, walking across the grounds side by side with the boy whose company Neil savored more than anything else, it was worth it. Thursday evenings gave Neil a taste of what his ideal life would be like, if he only had the choice and the control. Just him, with the words he loved so much… and Todd.
This particular Thursday was surprisingly warm for late October. There was a discernible lack of clouds, and the sun was in the midst of its descent— not quite sunset, but the sky carried the promise of a blank canvas yet to be touched by color. A gentle breeze weaved its way through the branches of trees both large and small, rustling leaves of crimson, ochre, and gold, their colors at the peak of the season. The Welton grounds were relatively quiet, with a small group of boys tossing around a football, and scattered students gathered in groups of two or three, reading textbooks in patches of grass where the sun’s rays were able to reach them. And there, in the middle of it all, was Neil Perry, feeling so alive as he made his way towards the dock, with Todd Anderson by his side. It was warm enough that neither boy had worn a coat, and Neil felt a sense of tranquility in his chest as he looked over at the boy beside him, who was holding Neil’s script, page open to the third act.
“Where art thou, proud Demetrius? Speak thou now,” Todd read, his voice steady as he looked up from the page to Neil, meeting his gaze. A grin broke out across Neil’s face as he picked up his speed, rushing several steps ahead of Todd, before turning towards him, spreading his arms out dramatically.
“Here, villain!” Neil cried, pantomiming the unsheathing of a sword, pointing the invisible tip towards his roommate, eliciting a laugh from Todd. “Drawn and ready. Where art thou?”
Todd looked back down at the page with a smile, quickening his pace just enough to find himself approaching Neil, reading, “I will be with thee straight!” Neil laughed, feeling almost giddy.
“Follow me, then, to plainer ground!” Neil recited, before grinning and taking off towards the dock, unable to stifle his soft, breathless laugh after hearing Todd’s own laughter, rushing to catch up as he continued the scene, drawing in heavier breaths between lines as he ran.
“Lysander! Speak again,” Todd began, his cheeks slightly pink from the exertion. At the same moment, Neil reached the dock, turning to face the other boy as he continued to read from the script, his voice animated, his volume high. “Thou runaway, thou coward, art thou fled? Speak! In some bush? Where dost thou hide thy head?”
Todd’s sheer emotion gave Neil momentary pause, leaving him almost flustered, his heart skipping a beat in his chest. He was good. And, come to think of it, Neil really hadn’t seen Todd open himself up to language like this outside of Keating’s classroom, at least not in a verbal sense. Neil knew that Todd loved poetry, that he wrote his own, that he had a small leather-bound notebook entirely for that purpose. And yet, he never read aloud like this. Not in class, not with the club, not anywhere. Just here.
Just with Neil.
“Neil?”
Todd was looking at him. Neil realized with a jolt of embarrassment that his thoughts had distracted him enough to break the rhythm of the scene. He had sincerely thought that nothing could pull his thoughts from the passion he felt for Shakespeare. And yet...
“Do you need your line?” Todd asked, giving him a reassuring smile that, quite honestly, wasn’t incredibly helpful when it came to alleviating any of Neil’s potential distracting thoughts. But, truly, what choice did he have?
Neil swallowed, hoping that the feelings fluttering wildly in his stomach would follow suit and push themselves away, before grinning at Todd and finding his stance, saying, “No way. Give it to me again.”
//
An hour passed in the blink of an eye, Todd flipping through Neil’s script and watching with glee as Neil raced back and forth on the dock, jumping up and crouching down, holding imaginary props, playing off of invisible actors. Although he refused to let his thoughts pull him away from the script again, Neil was acutely aware of the effect Todd’s presence had on him, on his acting. Something about Todd, to Neil’s awe, was inspiring. And he didn’t even have to be there. Todd could be spending the free hour doing homework, writing poetry, anything. And yet he was there.
Neil couldn’t help but act his heart out. For himself, for Todd, for how alive he felt. How happy he felt. It was unlike any other experience he’d ever had. It was exhilarating.
As the sunset began to fulfill its promise, painting the sky with warm tones the color of embers, the breeze began to carry a slight chill that was new to the evening. Neil turned his attention to the lake, watching the way the water rippled in response to the gentle wind. Todd’s gaze followed his, looking out across the water. The days were getting shorter, and the time he and Todd were able to share on the dock before sunset was lessening with each passing week. Neil didn’t want this evening to end. Not yet.
Neil walked slowly over to the edge of the dock, sighing contentedly as he sat down, swinging his legs over the side. He turned to the other boy, who walked up beside him and did the same, closing his eyes and exhaling, a sound of quiet satisfaction that made Neil’s heart swell.
“I could do this for the rest of my life, Todd,” he said finally, looking back out at the sun setting over the water. “I can’t believe I went so long without acting. I… really can’t imagine myself doing anything else, not anymore.”
“You’re really good,” Todd said, his voice soft but carrying a sincerity that made Neil’s cheeks flush involuntarily, letting out an uncharacteristically shy laugh as he hoped to himself that the low light would prevent Todd from noticing. “I think you could do it.”
“Maybe,” Neil said, Todd’s statement sobering him a bit, awakening the heavy thoughts he’d experienced while considering the situation himself. He looked down at his lap, cheeks still flushed but heart sinking a bit as he acknowledged the impossibility of his dream, continuing softly, “If I’m able to keep my whole life a secret from my parents.”
Todd paused, turning and letting his gaze rest on the sunset over the lake, blinking a bit, brow furrowed in thought. At first, Neil worried he’d admitted far too much, that Todd wouldn’t know what to say. But after a moment, Todd turned back to him, his expression somewhat unreadable.
“Well… you’ve said it yourself, Neil. They don’t have to know everything, do they?” Todd asked tentatively, his voice cautious and gentle, as if to test the waters, to make sure he was saying the right thing. “You’re more than just their son, you know.”
Neil sighed dejectedly. Todd was right, but… “It doesn’t feel like anyone sees me as anything more than their son.”
“I do.”
The words were hanging in the air before either boy was fully able to process their weight.
There was a pause, a beat. Neil blinked for a moment, trying to wrap his mind around what he’d just heard, to find some logical meaning in the statement. After catching his breath, Neil turned, his gaze shifting to the blonde boy sitting next to him. “Todd?”
Todd let out a nervous, shy laugh, avoiding Neil’s gaze. “It’s just… you’re so much more than their expectations, Neil. You’re kind, thoughtful, charismatic, talented… so many things that other people wish they could be,” he breathed out, his words coming quickly and impulsively, his volume low. “I know I do.”
Neil could hardly breathe. The compliment would have been dizzying from anyone, but hearing it from Todd was enough to make Neil lightheaded. Each additional word falling from the other boy’s lips only intensified the warmth he felt building in his chest; he found himself struck by a sudden awareness of how fast his heart was beating. Nobody had ever said anything like that to him before.
“You say that like… you’re not all of those things yourself,” Neil said softly, aware that he was openly letting his gaze linger on Todd perhaps longer than he should, but somehow… not caring.
Todd laughed, a shy and self-deprecating chuckle that gave Neil the sense that he didn’t see himself that way.
The thought was incomprehensible.
“Todd…” Neil started, but paused when the other boy kept his gaze fixed on the sunset. Neil took in a shaky breath. When he spoke again, his voice was quiet, almost a whisper.
“Hey… look at me.”
Todd turned almost immediately, and when their eyes met, Neil felt his head spinning, his fingers trembling. Todd’s eyes. He was so close. They were all alone.
“I think you’re incredible,” Neil breathed out, “The way you write… words were meant for you, Todd, poetry was meant for you.”
Meant for you.
Once he had started, he couldn’t stop. Words spilled from Neil’s mouth, overflowing from his lips. “When you came up with that poem in class… god, it was like magic.”
Todd’s breathing had grown visibly heavier, his eyes never leaving Neil’s, his hand resting intoxicatingly close to Neil’s on the edge of the dock. Neil’s mind was swimming; he could hardly think, but he didn’t need to. The words appeared on their own, as if he’d known them all along.
As if he’d wanted to say them for far longer than he ever could’ve imagined.
“I’ve never been so amazed at anything in my life,” Neil said breathlessly, his head clouding further at the sight of the heavy rise and fall of Todd’s chest. “You have so much talent. And it’s not just that, either—”
Neil cut himself off, his face flushing crimson in the low light as he realized where the sentence would go if he didn’t stop himself, but suddenly it seemed like Todd was leaning closer, just enough to be noticeable, his blue eyes wide as he looked intently at Neil, murmuring, “It isn’t?”
Neil’s throat was dry, his hands trembling, his little finger mere millimeters from Todd’s on the edge of the dock. The sun was sinking over the horizon, light that had previously shone golden melting into a soft glow as dusk fell, but Neil hardly noticed. Everything else around him had faded away.
He could stop all this now. He didn’t have to say anything more.
And yet, there was something in Todd’s expression, in his eyes, in the way he was looking at Neil, that made him want to keep talking. Neil let out a nervous exhale, attempting to calm his racing heart to no avail, before saying,
“It’s you.”
Todd’s lips parted, and Neil could hear the blond boy’s sharp intake of breath as he finished his thought.
“You amaze me.”
It might have been a sudden burst of adrenaline. Perhaps a rush of inspiration to seize the day. But no explanation could have prepared Neil for Todd’s hand immediately finding his and squeezing it tight. The physical contact sent a jolt of heat and electricity straight up Neil’s arm as his eyes widened, his gaze flashing down to process what he was seeing. He looked back up at the other boy, flustered at how close he was, asking, breathlessly, “Todd?”
Instead of responding, Todd’s gaze flickered from Neil’s eyes to his lips, and Neil felt his breath hitch in his throat. Todd began to lean in, closing the distance between the two of them, and Neil was letting him, feeling the other boy’s breath against his lips, their fingers intertwining.
And when he felt Todd’s lips against his, it was as if everything suddenly made sense.
The environment surrounding them melted away. There was nothing else, nothing but Todd’s lips and his gentle fingertips stroking first across Neil’s hand, then his cheek, then his hair, and Neil was doing the same, fingers clutching at Todd’s soft sweater, pulling him closer.
They kissed like they had been starving for it. Maybe they had been.
When they finally pulled apart, stunned, gasping for breath, hair messy and faces flushed, Neil almost didn’t dare open his eyes. It didn’t feel real. How could it be?
And yet Todd’s fingers clasped in his, holding onto him for dear life, were the most real thing Neil had ever felt.
Todd was still breathing heavily as he scrambled to find the words, seemingly unsure if he should apologize. “Neil, I– I’m… I hope that… well, that you…”
Neil didn’t even think. He took Todd’s cheek in his hand and pulled him back in, kissing him slowly, gently, his thumb stroking across Todd’s cheekbone, hoping to ease any ounce of doubt or regret left within the other boy. And as Neil felt Todd relax into the kiss, his hand reaching out to clasp Neil’s once again, he was overcome with the realization that he would be content– no, that he would be ecstatic – to stay like this forever.
The moon was rising, and silver stars began to pepper the darkening sky as Neil found himself lost in the kiss, lost in the moment. The next few minutes were a dreamlike haze. Every feeling, every thought about Todd he’d ever had, the ones he had tried to push away… they were washing over him, and he was letting them.
He needed to remember it all. Every last detail. The way Todd’s fingertips felt against his skin. The hint of cologne on Todd’s sweater, a scent he already had associated with flustered feelings and butterflies in his stomach, now so close and so incredible. The way Todd’s lips felt against his. The way he was kissing him back.
When they at last pulled apart, it was slow, tentative. Todd’s nose brushed against the edge of Neil’s cheek as he returned to something resembling his earlier posture. When Neil opened his eyes, he saw that Todd’s were still closed, and Neil couldn’t help but watch him for a moment. Even in the low light, Neil could tell that the other boy was blushing, and the realization was enough to make his own heart stutter in his chest. Todd’s hand was still in his. One thing was certain— Neil was not letting go.
After another moment or two, Todd’s eyes fluttered open, his lips parting as his gaze met Neil’s, letting out a small, breathless sigh that turned into a soft, shy laugh.
“Was I… not the only one of us that always hoped that would happen?” Todd finally asked, his voice hushed, still catching his breath somewhat.
Neil could hardly process what he was hearing, could barely think about his words as he responded, “Todd, I… I can’t even tell you how long I’ve wanted that to happen.”
Todd’s face broke out into a wide grin, and he looked down bashfully, gaze falling to their clasped hands, both boys’ fingers still interlocked. Neil could feel heat rising in his cheeks. He couldn’t take his eyes off of him, feeling intoxicated by every visible reaction from the other boy at his words.
He had never seen anyone more beautiful.
“Neil…” Todd’s voice was soft, his gaze gentle, his thumb pressing almost protectively into the space just below the other boy’s knuckles. He looked back up, his eyes meeting Neil’s, the eye contact making Neil’s heart skip a beat. “I want you to know… when it comes to your parents… no matter what happens, no matter what they say… I believe in you.”
Todd’s grip on his hand tightened. Neil could hardly breathe.
“No matter what… you’ve got me, Neil.”
It felt like a dream. Nothing like this had ever happened to him before. Hell, he didn’t know that something like this could happen.
But it was happening.
Neil reached out, fingertips brushing Todd’s cheekbone, the other boy’s eyes widening at the contact, saying softly, “Todd…” Neil felt his own heartbeat accelerate as he realized he could feel the heat that had risen in Todd’s cheeks, suddenly acutely aware of the way Todd’s chest rose and fell with heavy breaths, their eyes locked on each other. “You’ve got me .”
This time, they leaned in together.
This kiss was slower than before; less frenzy, less rush. Neil let himself sink into the new, dizzying feeling of mutual infatuation, letting the unadulterated bliss of kissing Todd Anderson wash over him.
Time was a blur. The kiss could have lasted thirty seconds or five minutes, Neil truly couldn’t be sure, but all too soon they were interrupted when the steeple bell began to toll the hour— the notice that there were only fifteen minutes left until dinner.
It was time to head back inside.
Both boys looked at each other for a moment, cheeks still flushed, bashful, almost giddy smiles on their faces. Neil didn’t want to be the first to get up, not ready for the evening alone together to end, and Todd’s similar stillness seemed proof that he felt the same way. They sat there for another moment before Neil squeezed Todd’s hand.
“Come on,” he said, gently. “We should go. They’ll wonder where we are if we’re late to dinner.”
Todd nodded, but still hesitated a moment. He looked at Neil, blue eyes meeting brown, lips parting as if about to speak. For half a second, it suddenly appeared that he had changed his mind, glancing away, before immediately reestablishing eye contact and beginning to speak.
“I just wanted to say… about acting, about… well, everything…” This time, Todd squeezed Neil’s hand, swallowing hard. “Even if some things have to stay a secret… that doesn’t mean they’re not worth it. You know?”
Neil felt butterflies erupt in his stomach, paired with a burst of affection for Todd so strong that he could hardly contain himself. He was nodding before he was able to speak. It was only after a few seconds that he found the words.
“You’re right… god, you’re right. Thank you.”
//
That night was characteristically cool for late October. Small clouds like tufts of grey cashmere weaved their way past a sky that twinkled with stars. The same wind, a bit stronger now, drifted through the leaves, across the grounds, rustling the hair of the two boys walking up the hill, causing both sets of hands to be stuffed in pockets to preserve warmth. As Neil and Todd made their way back towards the main hall to join their classmates, only their giddy expressions gave any hint to the moment they’d shared on the dock. That was for them, and them alone– at least for now.
To Neil, everything was familiar, and yet everything was new.
Todd was right.
Some secrets were worth fighting for.