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Harry sneaks looks at Liam sitting quiet and blank-faced beside him. He catches Louis' eye before turning back to the camera with an almost-real grin. Louis understands what Harry wants. But he knows there's nothing he can do about the painful looking grimace/smiles Liam is making. With every question Liam answers, Harry wants to flinch from how rehearsed and cold it sounds but that's luckily only for him. To anybody watching it must seem Liam is just a little- Ok, a lot- tired. Tired but authentic but the mates can all see his tense shoulders.
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It's over, and Harry is waiting outside of Louis' room to talk. He is trying his best not to fidget, thank you, though he isn't doing a good job judging by the eyes he feels on him. When Louis finally steps out of his changing room, Harry is immediately in his way, making Louis stumble back a step. "Liam's getting worse." Worry is obvious in his eyes, but his voice is quiet, calm, he knows how not to attract attention better than he knows how to be patient. Louis sighs, shifting on his feet. He glances around, luckily everyone near them is either busy now, or at least not looking at them. Without a word, he opens his changing room and pushes Harry inside, following afterwards. Harry gives him a look like he can't believe Louis wants to get it on after just having his best mate's anxiety brought up.
Louis answers with an almost offended face before speaking. "We can't do anything, you know this is all because Zayn's gone." Harry is already looking concerned again but Louis can see the way he bristles when Louis bites his lip, a nervous habit. "Though we could, maybe, get Zayn back here." Harry starts glaring at him. "I mean, invite him over for a bit. A secret from the fans and all that."
"Liam would never ever let us, we can't just force him to see his crush again. It would make it worse." Harry's voice hits a higher pitch at the end when he sees the guilty look in Louis' eyes. "You didn't.."
"I called him right after the interview, before you even spoke to me, he's on his way now." From Louis tone, it's obvious he hadn't considered Liam would react any other way than overjoyed.
"Liam is at his flat though." Harry doesn't like how Louis looks more and more ashamed as he speaks. "On his way to Liam's flat, I mean." Louis says sheepishly. Harry feels ready to kill.
Through his anger and worry, Harry does wonder if this might help. No matter what promises they made, they hadn't kept too well in touch after what had happened. Not even Liam, who depended on Zayn as a support system kind of. Most people assumed Liam would be the one Zayn would lean on when he got moody or quiet. That's true, but lately it's been the other way around with Liam's flaring anxiety. Even though Zayn was unknowingly a cause of it sometimes, he was the only one who knew how to calm it. Harry wishes they had kept Zayn up to tabs on Liam, despite Liam's obvious stance against it. Louis watched as emotions flashed over Harry's face as he stared slightly past him.
"Um, babe?" Harry jolted, blushing. "I've been thinking, uh. Right now," Louis watched him, amused, and Harry stopped to glare at him before continuing. "Maybe this might bring things into order. We should tell Liam we're here for him, and then let him sort out whatever stuff is bothering him with Zayn, it usually helps." The more he talks, the more convinced Harry is that this might be the best thing to do in this situation. Louis nods uneasily. "Nothing else we can do, I guess." Harry ignores Louis' unconvinced tone and is already typing a vague text to Liam about how his mates are always there for him. While Louis fills Niall in over the phone, finding at least some comfort in how Niall is equally as hesitant to do this as he is. If Louis wasn't busy imagining all the awful things that'll come out of this, he'd find it funny how he's the one worrying over Liam now, while Harry is glowing with excitement. Louis only hopes that this doesn't make things even worse than they were before.
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Liam can't be happier anytime than when he's at home. Ok, not exactly true. But at the moment, he's jokingly considering quitting too, just so he can sleep for about 3 months straight. He does love the band. Touring and fans and just being in the music is great, but the anxiety building up inside of him isn't the fun part of the job. If Liam was in any worse condition, he'd be calling up Zayn already.
Ugh. Zayn. Usually he'd would be the one to get him out of this anxious state of mind. Liam could be bordering on a panic attack, and Zayn would still calm Liam down. He doesn't exactly know that though. He's never seen him panic. Liam is strong and durable and doesn't need anyone's pity, just their comfort sometimes. It's better, Liam thinks, if Zayn doesn't know. Considering how most of his anxiety is because Liam's crush on him, making it a bit hard to explain anything. Liam shakes his head, as if trying to get the thoughts to fall out or something. Thinking about your main source of anxiety doesn't exactly help it go away.
Liam sighs, there are better things to do than worry right now. So, he washes up, exercises. Tries to focus on anything but the tight ball in his stomach, like butterflies but if butterflies were evil and made of ice.
Somehow, it works. After Liam's workout and cleaning, his mind is clear and he's mostly forgotten his worries. Adding onto that, he's actually in a good mood for once.
Liam floats to the kitchen to get a snack, grabbing his phone from where he left it by the door on his way.
He has a few messages. Each vague, supportive texts from his band mates. Liam is in too good a mood to wonder why or if there's some underlying reason for them. He just assumes his friends are drunk or high, sending affectionate texts to everyone in their contact lists. Liam shakes his head fondly, not surprised by their antics.
The thing that does surprise Liam is the knock at his door. Liam worries his lip while staring at the door. He's not expecting anyone. But still, he sighs, stopping by a mirror on his way there, he checks to make sure that he's at least halfway presentable. It's probably someone selling something, Sophia maybe. Anyone who might possibly be there can deal with him looking like a sweaty mess. He opens the door,
"Hey I'm not--" Liam's breath is choked off. It's Zayn. He looks.. beautiful, even with his hair gone, he still looks like he could be on the cover of any magazine. Zayn should look awkward, he hasn't been on this doorstep for a good few months now. But, there's this ease in his posture, like all that time means nothing. Liam's shocked.
"Liam? Babe? Are you alright?" Liam can hear Zayn talking to him, but he can't process it. Instead, he steps aside, letting Zayn inside on muscle memory alone. Luckily, he doesn't ask Liam any more questions as Liam closes the door, just sighs discontent at Liam's silence.
"Louis said it would be good if I came by, said you weren't looking good." Zayn's tone makes it obvious he isn't looking that great at all. Sweaty and probably looking like a deer caught in Zayn's headlights. Though, Liam grasps onto the one thing he can focus on, Louis' traitorous move.
"Oh, Louis? He was the one who.." Liam was definitely not ready to start talking yet. Zayn nods though, glancing around his messy flat. "Yeah, he was." Zayn is already strolling to Liam's kitchen as if there's not anything more important to pay attention to at the moment. Liam stands awkwardly.
"I have to go to the loo? I'll be right back mate." It comes out easy but it just makes the turning in Liam's stomach worse. Zayn makes a noise of acknowledgement and Liam is already gone, locking the bathroom door behind him. He has his phone in his hand immediately, dialing Louis' number by heart.
"Liam!" Louis' voice is fake cheery. "Fuck you. What is Zayn doing here? You know what this can do!" He pauses. "This is about the anxiety thing isn't it. You think I need his help, well! I don't. I don't need anyone's help, especially not yours." He hangs up, but he still heard Louis' yelp at his raised voice. Liam takes a deep breath, staring into his reflection. Didn't he want to see Zayn again? Tell him everything that's happened since he left? Every joke, thought and moment he missed. The feeling is at the core of his stomach but he still knows he won't be able to.. to.. deal with Zayn. At all. Liam groans, not exactly trying to be quiet. Nerves replaced the hunger he had, nerves that only grow when he hears Zayn's snicker from the kitchen.
Liam sighs. He knows he can't hide in the bathroom forever, no matter how much he wants to. So, he composes himself, trying to avoid looking like he wants to die, and walks out to greet Zayn with a fake smile.
He's almost glad it doesn't work. Zayn regards him with a concerned expression, but he must know Liam's behaviour is the reason he's here in the first place. It's not that he didn't want to see Liam, but he assumed he wasn't ready, that Liam would panic and hide again. Louis' message saying that Liam needed to see him had surprised Zayn. Maybe if he hadn't been so blinded by the need to see his crush, he would've thought this over more.
Liam can't meet Zayn's questioning eyes so he starts essentially talking to the floor.
"What have you been doing lately? After all the.." Zayn smiles.
"I've been a normal 22 year old." He sneers. Liam glances up.
"Normals 22 year olds don't have their beautiful demos released by accident." Liam shoots back automatically, then almost stumbles back. He said it all by accident, and he's obviously as shocked as Zayn is in front of him, before Zayn's face splits into a wicked grin.
"You thought it was beautiful." Zayn is standing in front of him now. Liam bites his lip and he sees Zayn's eyes flicker to it before making eye contact again. Liam tries not to back down.
"It was." He says dryly, forcing himself to ignore how his palms are sweating and his heart is pounding. Either he's turned on or he's about to have a panic attack. Zayn doesn't seem to notice.
"Mhm. Thanks babe, you know," Liam didn't think Zayn could get even more into his personal space, but he can, "It was about you." Liam freezes. He should be happy, honestly, but he can't breathe and all he can feel is Zayn's warmth. It's too much and Liam pushes past him to hide in the washroom.
He's shaking all over, and his vision blurs. Liam does knows how to deal with panic attacks. It's not his first, but when all you can feel is your hyperventilating and racing heartbeat, it's a little hard to concentrate.
Suddenly, the door yanks open and Zayn is kneeling beside him, grabbing Liam's chin and forcing eye contact. All Liam can feel is shame but Zayn only looks determined, not pitiful or disgusted or anything. "Breathe with me, baby. C'mon, in and out." Liam forces himself to focus on the steady rise and fall of Zayn's chest. Soon, he's just sitting against the wall crying, his breathing calm and his heart slowing down.
"Sorry. You didn't have to see that, it doesn't happen often. I'm just--" He's cut off by Zayn hugging him close, tears in his eyes too.
"Shh babe. Don't apologize." Liam nods against Zayn's shoulder. They sit like that for a while, until they're damp from crying and both their phones have been buzzing nonstop for five minutes.
"C'mon Liam--" This time Liam's the one to cut him off-with a kiss. It's sweet and long and says more than Liam could ever tell Zayn out loud. Zayn pulls back, laughing, but his eyes are still watery.
"Missed you." He kisses Liam's forehead then helps him to his feet. They both fix themselves up in the mirror, bumping hips, then they answer their phones. Listening to their mates yelling worriedly then excitedly, they sit close and trying to keep quiet as the other speaks.
After they've both hung up, Liam feels like he has to address what happened, no matter how much he'd rather not.
"Um, about what you saw there."
"A panic attack," Zayn interrupted, moving closer. Liam sighs but nods.
"About the panic attack you saw, um, they actually happen a lot. All the time really. Um, people don't really know about it, including you, I guess, so most people can't pull me out of one, but, uh, you could. So, thanks." Liam is in Zayn's arms again, and he feels his chuckle, confused, he glances up at him. This isn't exactly funny.
"You're not the only one with anxiety here Leeyum." His eyes are sparkling. "I've done it before for myself so I know how to pull someone out of it and.. I knew you had them Liam, but you didn't.. I didn't think you wanted me to know. So I pretended I didn't." Liam doesn't feel as offended as he should be, all he does is kiss him again. Oh god, he is so glad he can finally do that.
"I missed you too, Zayn." He whispers against his lips. Zayn smiles softly.
"I know." Zayn grins. Liam smiles, leaning back.
"I don't know what you want to do, but I just want to go to sleep. Um, with you." Liam doesn't blush, but he doesn't try to hide the way he's watching Zayn's expression for rejection. Zayn only grins at Liam.
"Sleep?" He laughs teasingly. Liam blushes this time, bumping his hip against Zayn's. "I'm actually tired, you know." Liam smiles. Zayn nods, stifling a fake yawn.
"Shut up." Liam is laughing though, as he gets up and starts walking to his bedroom, then grinning at the sound of Zayn scrambling after him. He should thank Louis after he wakes up, but he's pretty sure he knows. And now, all Liam wants to think about is how happy he is.