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“It's not you, it's me.”
“Oh come off it, did you really just use that line?”
“Yeah…I did. Listen, I am the issue. I just don’t have the time to give you the attention you deserve, Amber. It isn’t fair to you.”
“What a load of bullshit, Dick. Really? Why don’t you be a real man and just admit you found someone else. We had a three-week fling and that was enough for you. You got bored,and you’re off to charm the next poor sap just like dear ol ”Brucie Wayne.”
Ouch.
Dick really didn’t think he’d reached Bruce’s playboy status and to hear someone insinuate as much bothered him more than he’d thought it would. He really wasn’t as bad as him, was he?
“It's not like that. I’m not with anyone. I’m being one hundred percent honest with you.”
“Yeah, whatever. Hope the next one gives you blue balls.” Amber snarled as she hung up.
Well, that could have gone a lot better. He thought as he reeled in shock from her highly volatile reaction. He thought she’d be a little upset but not to the extent that she’d been. They really had only been seeing each other for three weeks, and in those three weeks they’d only actually gone on two dates. It was entirely his fault for trying to go out with a civilian. He’d met her in a coffee shop late one night, and they’d hit it off. Chalk it up to him feeling particularly lonely, but he thought nothing of it when she slipped him her number, and he’d followed through and called it. It was a moment of weakness. A longing for some normalcy.
An absolutely stupid decision. There was no way it’d work out between them, not when there was no room for dating or late night talks. Anything considered normal in a blossoming relationship was out of the question. He worked day and night. She was a teacher, and their mutual love of kids was a selling point, but their schedules were never going to match up. The few times he did try to check in with her, she’d already been fast asleep, having to get up early the next day. It was a hard lesson on the reason why he’d never tried to have a relationship with a civilian before. He didn’t know how Bruce managed to do it.
“You look like a deer caught in headlights. It’s a stupid look, and it doesn’t suit you, Grayson.”
Looking up and seeing his youngest brother in the doorway, Dick couldn’t help but grin. All thoughts of Amber and their volatile break up, gone. At least for the moment. “Aw, Dami, don’t hit a guy when he’s down. It’s not nice.”
Damian gave a derisive snort. “What could possibly bring you down? You’re nothing but an annoying ball of sunshine ninety percent of the time.” He snarked, but his body language and slight softening of his facial features let Dick know he was concerned. His baby bro did care, and it made him feel warm and fuzzy inside. What a loaded question he had asked. Ninety percent of the time meant there was the ten percent where he felt less than stellar. Where he felt overwhelmed, tired, and a heaviness on his shoulders that didn’t want to let up. The ten percent was small, but mighty. Dick did his best to hide the ten percent as much as possible.
“Hard to be a ball of sunshine when you’ve just broken up with your girlfriend.”
“Tt. Girlfriends are nothing but a waste of time and a distraction. Good riddance, you didn’t need her.”
Dick couldn’t help but laugh. “Spoken like a true eleven year old. Just wait until you start noticing girls, Dami.You’ll understand then.”
“I’m too focused on actual important things to worry about such nonsense. It’ll never happen.” The young boy insisted, as Dick knew he would.
“Master Damian, I left your tea and cookies you requested on the table.” Alfred suddenly interrupted as he came up to the doorway. “It wouldn't do to let the tea get cold.”
“Thank you, Alfred.” Damian acknowledged as he gave an absentminded wave in Dick’s direction. “Grayson may need some tea, too. Girlfriend troubles.” He added with a hint of disgust before heading down the hallway towards the stairs.
Alfred raised an eyebrow at him in question. “Would you like some tea, sir?” He asked. What was really being asked was if Dick needed to talk about it. Alfie was a good listener and always made a point of making himself available.
“I’m okay, Alfie.” He replied, answering the unvoiced question. “Dami is just being dramatic. You know, the usual.” He added with a grin.
Alfred watched him for a moment, and when he passed whatever test he was currently undergoing, he turned to leave. “If you insist, Master Dick. Do let me know if you change your mind.”
“Will do, promise!”
Alfred nodded and left to follow in Damian’s footsteps, most likely to clean up whatever mess, if any, had been left behind. Although Damian knew better than to leave one.
Sighing, Dick took note of the time and started to head down to the batcave to suit up. Bruce was currently off-world, dealing with league business, and he’d offered to come back home every once in a while and help out if needed. Damian and Tim welcomed the extra help. Jason had made it known he didn’t care one way or the other and reminded them all to just not get in his way. It was the main reason he hadn’t had any extra time to spare for Amber. He’d spend a few nights in Gotham but still kept tabs on his Bludhaven. While he couldn’t patrol both at the same time, he made her his priority if he got wind of anything major happening. His brothers would let him know if they needed back up. Some would say he was spreading himself too thin, but he could handle it.
Should be doable.
Three days had passed when the blaring sound of a phone ringing startled him out of the sweet abyss of deep slumber. Feeling like he’d only gone to bed an hour or two ago, he blindly reached for the offensive device, answering without checking the time or seeing who it was.
“...Allo?” He muttered.
“Where the fuck were you, dickhead?!?”
“Jay?”
“Are you fucking serious? You begged me to let you help me tonight. Talked so much literal shit about how you’d go undercover and lead the guy to where I needed him to be. And then you don’t show up? Really?”
That woke him up right away. “Wait…what time is it?!” He asked even as he strained his eyes to see the time on his phone. It was 2 am.
“Doesn’t fucking matter what time it is. They got away. Been working this case for a full month and the one time I had a stroke and decided to trust you, you’re nowhere to be found. Shocking.”
“C’mon Jaybird, don’t be like that. I don’t know what happened.”
“I do. Golden boy was probably off playing boy scout again and helping someone else. Probably got caught up with the Replacement and Demon spawn, conveniently forgetting all about the black sheep of the family.”
He knew his little brother was angry, but he had to know he hadn’t meant to fail him. Jason had to know how much he cared about him. He tried to show him all the time, even though it often resulted in Dick annoying the hell out of him and often being threatened with rubber bullets shot in his direction. They’d worked together recently and it’d been fine. He’d been working so hard to make it a regular occurrence. How could he have let this happen?
Fuck.
“Little wing, I’m so sorry but you know that’s not true–”
“Don’t. Don’t Little wing me and stay out of my sight unless you want some rubber bullets, and maybe some real ones in your ass.”
Dick found himself listening to the dial tone for a moment before shaking his head and finally hanging up. Now that he was fully awake, he realized that he was in the bat cave and still in full gear. He couldn’t believe that he’d fallen asleep in the chair at the bat computer. A warm familiar blanket was wrapped around his shoulders, and a pillow had been slipped under his head.
“I tried to rouse you multiple times, sir.” Came the weathered voice of his beloved grandfather figure from the staircase, as he came to stand beside him. “The first two times I checked on you, you insisted you were working on something and couldn’t head to bed.”
Dick groaned as he rubbed both hands over his face. He vaguely remembered that. He’d gone to Bludhaven to deal with a bank robbery. It was a simple bank robbery committed by simple idiots. Quick, easy. He’d then returned to Gotham to continue to work on his case. There was a new trafficking cartel in the works. Several children had gone missing and he was pretty sure they were being used as drug mules. Disgusting bastards. He had no love for those who abused children.
Jason also had a soft spot for such cases, even if he wouldn't admit it outloud and had promised to give him a hand once his own case was settled. He was sure it was going to be done by tonight. All because Dick had insisted he help. One hand washing the other. More scumbags put away before they could hurt anyone else. Win. win.
But then he’d fucked up.
He’d been trying to work on finding who had such easy access to so many kids with a history of criminal ties. Along with trying to map out where the transfer points were, and how far some of the kids had actually been sent. He worked on it every night as much as he could in between trying to keep up with criminal activity in Bludhaven and trying to stay committed to all his other promises. Tonight, he’d made his way back to Gotham to work on it a little more before meeting up with Jay.
Had he really fallen asleep?
Giving Alfred a sheepish smile, he rubbed the back of his neck and took the proffered tea from his hands. “Sorry.” He said softly as he sipped on the warm beverage, allowing its warmth to fill him.
“No need for apologies. I just wish you had gone to bed. Clearly you need the rest.”
“Nah, Alfie. I’m fine. Promise.” Grinning, Dick shot up from the chair and made his way over to his bike. “Power nap taken, and ready to go.” He added.
“Very well, sir.” Alfred acquiesced as he took his seat at the bat computer.
Dick found his smile faltering at the sight. “What are you–”
“If you’re not going to bed, then I may as well man the comms for you. Stay safe.” The older man answered in his no nonsense tone.
Dick shook his head and smiled as he gave a small salute. Revving his bike, he took off into the night once more.
“You promised!”
“Dami, I know. I know I promised, but I can’t do it. I can go to your next art show…”
“I don’t know if I’ll be in the next art show.”
“You’re talented enough to be selected for the next art show.”
“Tt. I know that. What I mean is that maybe next time I won’t be putting the effort in. What would be the point?” The eleven year old snarked. Reading between the not so hard to see lines, Dick knew he’d disappointed him greatly. He’d promised to go to the art show being showcased by Damian’s school. It was a big honor and for a boy who’s only other focus was mastering different ways of killing someone, he’d wanted to nurture other talents. What he hadn’t accounted for was that the school he coached gymnastics in, would be having a competition that same night.
Sighing, Dick knelt in front of the boy. “ I’m their coach Damian. I can’t abandon them on such a big night.”
“But you can abandon me?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You implied it.”
Shit
“Give me some credit. You know I’d never do that.”
Damian’s eyes narrowed. “Oh, yeah? Tell that to Todd.”
He reeled back. “How did you–”
“We ran into him the other night. He asked us if you’d taken your head out of your ass.” Tim supplied as he drank his second cup of coffee while reading over notes for the board meeting he was attending in a few hours.
“Language.” Alfred warned in passing as he worked on cleaning the breakfast table.
Tim shrugged. “His words, not mine.”
Dick couldn’t hide the groan that escaped him. So Jason was still angry and making sure everyone knew about his faux pas. Fantastic.
“That was…that was a huge mistake on my part. I didn’t mean for that to happen.”
Damian huffed and turned away while crossing his arms, for once seeming to be at a loss for words.
“Next time. For sure.” He added, hoping he had softened the boy’s hard exterior.
For a moment he didn’t think he’d get a response as the boy turned away to leave the kitchen.
“We shall see.” He finally answered as he picked up Alfred the cat and left the kitchen to head up the stairs.
Deflating in defeat, Dick sat back down at the table and pushed around the remnants of his omelet. A wave of exhaustion washes over him.
“Are you okay?” Tim asked softly as he looked up from his tablet.
“Yeah Timmy.” He answered with a small smile, heart warming at the fact that he’d even bothered to ask. “I just feel bad having to disappoint him like that.”
“Don’t worry, the demon’s spawn will get over it. He just wants you to feel miserable. Don’t give into it. We all know it’s not like you to forget.”
Dick gave a soft snort in response. He wished he could agree. He certainly did feel like he’d done nothing but fuck up lately.
“Thanks.” He answered instead, not wanting to burden his second youngest brother with all that.
Nevertheless Tim gave him a look that seemed to know what had been left unsaid. “I’m going to get going. Try to not let it ruin your day.” He added as he squeezed Dick’s shoulder as he left.
That night he found himself at the kitchen table yet again. A cold cup of murky crappy diner coffee in his hands. The night’s events haunt his mind. No. The past few weeks’ events haunt him. Bruce was due to return within the next two days and the very thought made him nauseated. He didn’t want him to know what had transpired the last few weeks. On the one hand, they’d been able to finally find the head of the trafficking ring and made a big step in stopping it for now. Only because Tim had “stumbled” upon a crucial lowlife while patrolling.The latest shipment of kids had been saved and the league had been called in to help rescue the others that were already in other countries.
While he should be ecstatic, he couldn’t celebrate. The moment he thought he’d had a chance to breathe, the news reported that there had been an explosion in Bludhaven. Luckily there were no fatalities, but people had been hurt.
He couldn’t help but feel it’d been his fault. If only he’d managed his time better, he would’ve been there. He could have prevented it. If he’d been better about how he had handled everything lately, he wouldn’t have upset two out of his three brothers and run himself ragged. It felt like all his effort had surmounted to absolutely nothing.
Light suddenly flooded the room, and he whipped his head up to find Alfred standing in the doorway. “Hi Alfie.” He greeted softly with a small smile.
Alfred eyed him. Eyed the full gear he was still wearing. He said nothing, but moved past him to set the kettle to boil. He pulled out a chair and sat across from him. He stayed silent and just watched the younger man in front of him.
“I’m fine–”
“I thought your days of lying to me were over.” The older man said as he was quick to cut off the forming lie. “I know when something is bothering you. It is your choice whether or not to divulge it to me, but know that I am here.”
Dick found himself nodding. Feeling a lump in his throat and finding it hard to swallow. Why did he suddenly feel like crying?
“I uh,...tonight…tonight was rough.” He started.
“I’m sure it was.” Alfred answered and stood when the kettle started whistling. He placed the tea bag in and set it in front of the young man letting it steep while continuing. “I’ve watched you these past few weeks. I’ve watched you tackle the world head on and take some licks. I’ve also watched you come back every time with a smile on your face. You’ve been nothing but strong and resilient, but even the strong need to take a moment for themselves to recuperate every now and then.”
For a long moment it seemed like nothing more was going to be said, when Dick suddenly hung his head and ran his hands through his hair. “I don’t feel strong and resilient. I feel like a failure.” He admitted. “I messed up. I keep messing up. All I’ve done these past few weeks is mess up.” He started in a big rush. “And tonight…”
“Tonight?” Alfred repeated hoping to urge him to continue and not just brush it off. The boy clearly had a lot of his mind and was dangerously close to smothering it within himself. A trait he wished he hadn’t learned from his stubborn father figure.
Dick looked up at him with red rimmed eyes. Exhaustion and anger at his own short-comings at war with each other in his mind. He wanted to change the subject. He wanted to tell his grandfather figure to forget he’d said anything at all. It was his modus operandi. He’d avoid burdening others with such useless frustrations and smile at them all. He was fine. Everything was fine. He never found any need to trouble others with his own load. It was his load to bear. Everyone had one.
He was absolutely fine.
Dick didn’t know what Alfred saw in his face, but the older man suddenly stood and crossed the room to an area he made sure to keep from being visible. When he turned, he had a dish of Dick’s favorite cookies. They seemed fresh. Silently he placed it in front of him, next to the tea.
Laughing while reaching for a cookie, he shot Alfred a genuine grin. “Well now that’s just playing dirty. I thought you didn’t approve of bribery.”
“Nonsense. One should always use all their tools in their arsenal.” He rebutted with a small smirk.
“Touché.”
He played with the cookie in his hands. He rotated it and rubbed at the chocolate chips. It’d become an edible fidget spinner. When he realized he was taking too long to speak, he took a deep breath. After glancing back up at Alfred, he unleashed all the current demons plaguing his mind.
He could always count on Alfred to be patient, kind, and have a wise word of advice. He had never let him down, and he knew he never would, so when the man said: “You’re trying to do too much.” Dick allowed it to sink in.
“Master Dick, in all the time I’ve known you, you’ve always been such a strong boy. To have faced all the most harsh cruelties of the world and to keep smiling the way you do, is only possible because of your strength of character.”
The younger man couldn’t help but blush. “ Aw, Alfie, I don’t know about all that–”
“I wasn’t finished.”
“Sorry.”
“That strength of character has also gifted you with the charisma to attract others to you. You’ve never been one to have a hard time making friends or finding those to help support you in all your endeavors. You’re a natural born leader when you need to be...”
“I don’t think I would call myself a natural born leader. I’ve certainly messed that up a lot too.” Dick couldn’t help but comment as memories of his time with the Titans came to mind almost immediately.
A stern glance reminded him that the elder wasn’t done speaking.
“...What baffles me is why you’ve tried to do it alone these past few weeks. I’ve watched you run yourself ragged. I’ve watched you struggle and yet for the first time, in a very long time, I watched you try to do it all alone. Every time I thought you’d reconvene and call in for help, you didn’t. Why is that?”
“I…don’t know.”
“Don’t you?”
“I–” Dick blinked. Why hadn’t he ever stopped and asked for help? He definitely wasn’t above it, and had done it often enough in his career as a vigilante, but then it hit him like a ton of bricks.
“Because I didn’t want to disappoint Bruce. I wanted to show him I could handle it.” Which was odd, because he thought he was over being the sidekick who wanted to impress his mentor. He’d grown into a full blown and well known vigilante in his own right. He looked at Alfred in shock with his own revelation, to find the man nodding along as if he’d already known the answer all along.
Because of course he did. He was Alfred. All knowing and all powerful.
“I thought I was over trying to prove myself. I’m not a little kid anymore.”
“I don’t think we ever stop trying to gain the recognition and approval of those we love and admire.”
Alfred was always very careful of not using the word father with him. Dick knew he saw his and Bruce’s relationship that way, whether it was said out loud or not. There were plenty of times growing up he’d overheard him reprimanding Bruce after one of their fights. “You may call him your ward, but you very well know that boy is your son.” He’d heard him say once. It’d warmed his heart then, and it warmed his heart still that he never pushed that idea on him. To make him feel like he had to refer to Bruce as his father. He also knew that Alfred was probably well aware that he did think of Bruce in that way and only kept it to himself to not make Bruce uncomfortable.
Besides, Bruce had to know as well. They were just both too stubborn sometimes. As if he’d been blood related and had inherited it from him.
He groaned as he hung his head again and gripped at his hair. “I’m such an idiot.”
A firm hand gripped his wrist and pulled it away from his head and made him look into eyes full of wisdom. “You’re not. What you are, is overworked and exhausted. You meant well. You did your best, but had a lapse in judgment. You can’t please everyone my dear boy. You can’t do it all. You were allowing it to take over your entire existence.”
“I didn’t want that!” He exclaimed suddenly, as the reality of how lost he’d been this past few weeks hit him. “I never wanted that! I’ve watched him. I’ve watched him let this life consume him, and I swore. I swore I’d never be like that. I couldn’t be like that, but then…I…failed myself too.” He added as he gripped Alfred’s hand. As if it were a life line. As if it were the only thing currently tethering him to sanity, and maybe it was.
The older man tapped his hand gently. “I wouldn’t let you lose yourself. Your friends and family won’t let you forget who you are. You don’t need to set all the world’s problems on your shoulders. No one expects you to. Bruce doesn’t expect you to. He may not know how to express himself, but I know with full confidence that he only wishes for you to be happy and safe. He wouldn’t want you to be in a vulnerable position because you’re overworking yourself. Furthermore, I doubt he'd see what transpired as failure, he’d see it as a lesson that needed to be learned and so do I.”
Dick allowed what was said to flow over him. He allowed himself to absorb it, and when he found that he truly had no rebuttal to it, he smiled. In the darkest of times when you felt the most lost, all you needed was someone to guide you and show you the light. “I guess that’s true. I’ve definitely learned my lesson.”
“I hope you have. With that said, I do hope you know that this means you’re due for a break.”
Dick winced. “I don’t think I could just–”
“You are to stay home, whether here, or in Bludhaven for at least the weekend.”
“I still had–”
Alfred abruptly stood from the table and walked over to Dick, pulling him up from his seat and guiding him towards the staircase. “One weekend. If you don’t rest and recover from this whole ordeal you’ll only make yourself sick.”
Dick couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped him as the older man continued to nudge him along as if he were a petulant child. “Well, if I am being forced to take a break, does that mean chocolate chip pancakes in the morning?”
“We shall see.”
“...Maybe some syrup on top?”
“Are you trying to make your teeth fall out?”
Dick grinned at the familiar reprimand and suddenly stopped in his tracks.Turning around he pulled the older man into a tight hug. “Thanks Alfie.” He whispered as he felt his throat closing up with emotion. He didn’t need to voice what he was thanking him for, he knew the older man understood it wasn’t for the pancakes.
Alfred patted him on the back a few times. “Anytime, Master Dick.”