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The world around you was numb.
After one of the nurses forced you to take a pregnancy test and the results were confirmed to be positive, you had been in a state of complete denial. You worked twice as hard to keep yourself from sitting still too long. If you found yourself with nothing to do you were drowning in your own thoughts. You begged the nurse to keep your secret, fearing that the house owner would kick you out. You relied on herbs to keep the morning sickness at bay and managed to hide your pregnancy well so far.
But you were so scared.
You hadn’t seen sanemi since the incident with the ‘tea’ and you were more scared of telling him the truth than anything else. Sure, he would say dirty things along the lines of getting you pregnant while you both were in the middle of fucking, but that’s all it was. Just words. He was a demon slayer and demon slayers are to expect to die any day. There were whispers and rumors of the ‘training’ and preparations regarding them going on the offensive against Muzan. It was slow around the house because of this, more slayers focusing on the training rather than hunting demons.
Winter was beginning to fall and your chores dwindled down by the day. Nights were the worst, you tossed and turned restlessly, any sleeping position more uncomfortable than the last. In the stillness of the night your thoughts consumed you. The idea of telling him crosses your mind so many times, but you know that you can’t. Your arrangement with him was never ‘permanent’, it was an unspoken agreement that you both had. An agreement that involved your bodies and nothing more, much less these useless feelings that you had.
You don’t remember falling asleep but you were awoken by someone knocking on your door. Upon opening it stood the current source of your problems. He looked a little….rough for wear. His eyes were casted on the ground and for once he didn’t have something to say. He couldn’t look at you. How could he? He was working tireless training slayer and trying to get them at their mediocre best for the final battle. You were his source of problems as he was yours. You occupied every space in his brain, every thought, every time he closed his eyes, it was you. It frustrated him to no end and everyone around him took note of his sloppy moves. Even kagaya. When he begrudgingly told kagaya about this little ‘crush’ he had on you, he was elated! He encouraged sanemi to come see you before the final battle, which takes us to now.
You let him in and you both spend the morning holed up in your room, but this time it was different. This time he was not here to lay hands on you, this time he was here to talk, which he hardly did in the first place. Your morning sickness came and went, you excusing yourself to hide it, just a little longer. You could tell he wanted to say something, you didn’t want to force him so you didn’t. Instead you observed how focused he looked, eyebrows knitted together as he focused and stared at an item in the room, anything to keep his eyes off of you. Anything to keep down the urge to tell you how much he loved you and didn’t want to die because of you. He didn’t know how you truly felt about him and didn’t want to give himself hope.
“Would you….Like to talk?” Your voice was quiet and sweet. He didn’t respond or look at you, “My apologies Sanemi, I didn’t mean to-“
“I was the oldest out of seven siblings.” He starts, his tone is rough but there’s an edge to it, “My father was a bastard and an alcoholic, he was killed for being a fucking idiot.” He laughs bitterly. It was as if a dam broke inside of sanemi. He began pouring himself out to you. He told you about his mother eating five of his siblings and how he had to kill her to protect the only brother he had left. His voice waivers when he describes the feeling he had when he had to abandon his brother and join the corps. When he pauses to collect himself you tell him he doesn’t have to do this if he doesn’t want to, but he keeps going as if he didn’t hear you.
You find out so much about him in this moment. How his blood is special and makes demons go crazy, ‘Marechi’ blood he called it. He goes on about his special training that he’s conducting. He calls it ‘pound training’ and sounds quite proud of himself for picking the name. Sanemi ran into his brother Genya and his voice cracks again when he tells you how Genya is eating demons to compensate for his inability to use breathing techniques.
It feels like hours before he finally stops, his breathing having picked up as with his emotions. You look at him and he’s looking right at you for the first time since he arrived. He looks…..scared. He looks worried, as if he’s looking for you for something, anything. You wrap your arms around him tightly, burying your face in his neck and whisper, just low enough for him to hear.
“You must have been so scared, right ‘Nemi?”
He’s hugging you so tight you almost feel like he’s squeezing the air out of you, he’s shaking and you know that he’s crying. You let him hold you as long as he wants. He’d never been given a moment in his life to feel vulnerable. You were the safest place he could think of, here in your arms in your room. This is why he loved you, you weren’t perfect, your body was bigger, but you were smart, you were beautiful, you never looked at him with fear or malice. He had to earn your respect as you had to earn his. You were his equal.
You both moved from the tea table and took to your futon, you laying on his chest. He had divulged his entire past to you, it was only fair that you do the same.
“My father….was a carpenter.” It had been so long since you talked about your family, “My grandparents ran a farm on the outskirts of our village and my mom worked there and helped sell vegetables and rice.” You recalled the memories of following your grandmother around the field, her showing you different stages of plant life. Your father Was well known in the village and as you grew you desired to take after his carpentry skills. He never doubted you and trained you just as he would any other man who studied under him. You wished that every man could have been as kind as your father. When you attempted to work with your father for the first time, the client denied you and your father access, telling you both that a ‘woman has no place doing that kind of work.’. Your father was outraged but you were merely defeated, you didn’t have your hopes up much in the first place. So you returned home and didn’t ask again about it.
While looking into other mean of work your grandfather fell ill. Your mother insisted you move to their farm as she couldn’t be there every day to take care of him and your grandmother wasn’t any younger than he. Your gardening skills proved to be more than enough to pick up where things slowed down. You lived on your grandparents farm peacefully for a few years, a fling and moonlit romance here and there. Your parents eventually moved in as well, everything fit so well and peacefully. However, in a world of demons, peace is only temporary.
A particularly harsh storm destroyed the farm shed and while your father had no problem rebuilding the shed, some important valuable tools had been destroyed in the process. While everyone else cleaned up the wreckage from the farm, you were sent two towns over to purchase tools and replacement plants. You had a bad feeling before you left, your stomach flipping as you hugged your parents goodbye. In all honesty, you had fun on your small journey, you got to see new things and meet new people in the brief time you were out.
When you returned home it was….quiet.
No one came to greet you, which wasn’t too odd, they might be working in the back. That gut feeling was back again, like something was deeply wrong. You abandoned your cart full of things at the door and upon coming inside you slipped and fell back. Your head was throbbing from the way you hit the wall, when you looked at what you slipped in you screamed.
Blood. A trail of blood.
You got to your feet and followed it, your heart beat was starting to rise to your ears and you couldn’t hear anything else around you. In the sitting room, lay your family, slaughtered. You collapsed at the sight, throwing up on the floor. The room started to spin as you broke, screaming and sobbing. They were so cold when you touched them to close their eyes, hoping they’d rest somewhat easy.
The next few days were a blur and you did everything in your power to distance yourself emotionally from all of it. Others in the town helped out generously, helping you prepare the funerals and bury them. You were inconsolable. You barely ate, slept, or worked on the farm. You did anything else to distract yourself from the emptiness of your home as well as your heart. You were growing hopeless as the garden over grew. The nights were harder than the days, every night you feared the demon would return for you.
But….Would you really fight back?
One night you awoke, the floor creaking in the home. You knew you weren’t alone. You left your room, you aren’t sure why, maybe part of you knew what was awaiting you. You don’t remember much after you walked into your kitchen, you just Remember unimaginable pain alongside darkness. The next day you woke up here. In this house. The nurses informed you that a traveling slayer was investigating your families deaths and arrived at just the right time, which you were thankful for of course….However going home seemed just as haunting as facing the demon again. So you stayed, you proved your worth, you earned a new home. Then you met sanemi.
After opening yourselves bare to each other the conversation shifted to life after the ‘final battle’ and what kind of plans you two had. He had none. Sanemi didn’t want them. He didn’t want to have some reason to come back. He was afraid that if he did, he wouldn’t fight as hard. You told him you’d simply return home. You both ended up taking a brief nap, interrupted by someone knocking on your door. Sanemi got up to answer it, leaving you to roll over into the warm spot he left. You weren’t privy to the conversation, eventually the door shut and he returned to your side.
“I have to go now.” He whispered, brushing some of your hair out of your face.
“I’ll see you out.” You smiled and leaned up to give him a brief kiss. Sanemi not being one for chaste moments simply looked away, though you could see the tips of his ears turning pink.
You and him walked towards the gate, the tension in the air was choking you both. Once at the gate he gave you a hug so tight he lifted you off the ground a bit and set you back down. One of his hands came up to cup your cheek, his thumb running over your lips. Your chest was beating so fast, this could be the last chance you see him, you have to tell him! Even if it would ruin what you both had.
“Sanemi I-‘ He put his hand around your mouth, a calm smile on his face.
“I love you, y/n.” His voice was filled with the very same love that you’d been harboring for him and your stomach sunk into the earths core, “I don’t know when I started to love you, but I don’t think I can stop.” Your eyes were blurring and he wouldn’t remove his hand, you just wanted to return his feelings damnit!!
“Even if you don’t feel the same, I don’t want to leave anything undone.” You were starting to struggle now, trying to pry his hand off of your mouth, “Don’t tell me how you feel. It’ll make it harder.” He was clenching his jaw and trying not to cry himself. You both were overflowing with delayed waves of emotion. When he did let go, it was only to kiss him, which you returned tenfold, clinging to him as if you’d die if you let go.
At least you felt you’d die.
When you both parted you wiped at your face with you sleeve, trying to compose yourself. He turned and started to leave and you watched his receding form. Your whole body was on fire, your hands clenched at your side. You hadn’t felt this much in so long, it was because of him! He made you feel the emotions you wanted to lock away for so long. You were breathing deeply, not even fighting the tears, when you turned around you were met with the building owner. She stood, hands on her waist, giving you a look that you’re sure your mother would have given you had she still been alive.
“You’re giving up?” Her tone was challenging.
“H-He doesn’t want to know how I feel! Yo-you don’t get it!” You hiccuped and rubbed your hand on your face in exasperation.
“And what do you want?” Her voice was softening.
“I-What?”
“What. Do. You. Want?”
“I…I want him to know.” Your voice was wavering, as if you were lying to yourself.
She merely pointed behind you, beyond the gate, where he had gone. You looked back at her and you shook your head but she just gestured again. You turned and could still see him, as if he was dragging his feet (He was.). You wanted to tell him everything. Your chest was hurting. You could hardy even breathe anymore but you did your best to take a deep breath and call out his name as loud as you could. That seemed to do it’s job as he stopped and turned. The building owner gave you a small shove, gesturing for you to go.
Now it was your turn to drag your feet, the whole moment felt overwhelming. When you stood in front of him you couldn’t look at him, you would’ve thrown up. Sanemi was staring at you, taking in the way you wrapped your arms around yourself in an attempt to look smaller. If you did look up, you’d see that he merely looked…..Tired. Sanemi was tired. He spent so long fighting that he wasn’t even sure if he could lead a normal life after the battle, especially with….You. His thoughts and feelings were consumed with you and how you’d laugh. He would let himself wonder into thoughts of living with you, starting a family. He would often try to resist these thoughts, it was easier for him to fight without worrying about making it back home to you.
God how he wanted to just touch you one last time.
So he did.
He wrapped his arms around you and it felt so damn good. You always fit so perfectly against him and he could always give you just the littles of squeezes to really enjoy how plush you are.
“I love you too.” You said it so fast he almost didn’t catch it.
“Y/n-“ He started but you reached up, shoving both of your hands over his mouth.
“No! It’s your turn to listen to me!” You weren’t going to let him just die without knowing the truth.
“I-I love you and….” Why was it so hard? “I loved you first. You were the first person who didn’t pity me or treat me li-like some kind of dirty secret.” You took a deep breath, “You helped me feel like a person again, like I was worth something again.” Every single word of adoration that you had for him was suddenly gone, as if you’d forgotten.
“Y-You’re an animal. You’re foul, rude, you lack common human decency-“ He quirked an eyebrow at you, “-but I love all of that. I love that you won’t just sit and take abuse, you’ll fight back! I love the way you tell stories about your missions and I love-“ He put his hand back over your mouth and pried your hands off his mouth fairly easy.
“I get it already! Shut the fuck up for a minute!” You almost didn’t notice his voice cracking at the end. He scratched at his head in agitation. He released your mouth, instead holding both of your hands in his.
“I can’t promise I’ll always love you”
“I know.”
“I can’t promise I’ll be a good husband or father.”
“I-I know…” Your stomach churns.
“I can’t….promise…that I’ll come back.”
You didn’t respond, just sniffling and nodding.
“If…If I do come back…will you wait?”
“A-Absolutely!” You sound more energetic than you intended. He laughs and his tone is warm, wrapping around you and comforting you. You never want to let him go, but the sun is steadily getting lower and lower and you have to return to the house. So you both pull away from each other. He turns to leave, his hand lingering in yours.
“Have a safe trip, Shinazugawa-San.” You bow, letting things end formally just as they had began.
“Say my name the right way next time.” He comments.
You laugh and turn around, making the solemn walk back to the house. As you pass through the gate you find yourself alone. Your stomach flips again, but this time you’re sure its not your anxiety. Of course you couldn’t tell him you were pregnant. You couldn’t risk him abandoning the final battle altogether. If his teammates died because of his absence there was know way he’d be able to move on life with that regret.
You lay down in bed, having changed into something more comfortable. The sleep you find yourself in is the deepest its been in months, even if your heart is aching for sanemi. No matter what fear you felt before. Now you felt more secure.