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I feel like I’m in love.
Okay, correction, I know I’m in love.
All I think about is you, all I want to see is you, all I want to hear is you. I miss you so much even though it’s only been an hour since I saw you, talking to your sister unusually loud and showing off your biceps while standing on your balcony.
I don’t even know when or how it all began. I guess when I used to see if you were there on your balcony in the cold nights of November.
I knew I was getting myself into hot waters the moment I allowed myself to stare at you the whole day and night, the moment I let myself stay up at night just because of you, especially at the age of 14, but I couldn’t help it. I don’t want to help it. I like being this way, I can’t imagine a reality without me trying to see you any moment I could.
It’s funny, I don’t know you, and yet I still do, more than I know myself. Just because I was lucky enough to move into the house right in front of you.
It’s only been an hour since I saw you, yet it seems like an eternity. It’s uncontrollable, but it feels good. I don’t know how to describe it, but if I even get a glimpse of you, even my worst days turn into the best ones.
Remember the evenings when you played football in your balcony alone so fucking loud it could tear off my ears. Yeah, I miss that. I miss the way I could stare at you when you were so focused you wouldn’t even notice me, but when you did, you would get all shy.
Remember when you used to stare at me, thinking I couldn’t notice it, with your palms covering your face, except your eyes, which shone in the bright light of the street lamps. You still do it, and it still never fails to make me blush. It was cute. You are cute.
I remember when your grandmother died. It was the first and last time I saw you cry. It was painful, watching you shed tears while I did nothing. You were trying to hide it from others, it pained my heart. I wanted to yell at you from my balcony, tell you it’s okay, console you, tell you it will be okay, tell you I’m by your side, but I couldn’t.
Even when I’m out, like today, It’s you I have on my mind. It’s you I wish would be there. Even a glimpse of you would satisfy me.
I love how we make eye contact like we know each other so well, but In reality we don’t.
You just make me better as a person and as me. You encourage me to get up and actually do things without even trying or saying anything. Just to see you at 5 in the evening, I go out, lying to my parents about buying things for school, and just buy coke, because it gives me an excuse for passing by your home and looking at you. I don’t care if I get in trouble, it’s all worth it for you.
Yesterday, when you were just walking around at the same time as me, and I passed by you so closely that I could smell your scent, you don’t know how fast my heartbeat was. I didn’t look at you, neither did you look at me, but I could sense that you wanted to just as much as I did.
I’m getting too deep in my feelings, and I’m sure I’ll regret it someday, but for now, I just want things to stay like they are.
Remember in the summer vacations, when my younger cousin came to stay with us for a few weeks? I told her about you. She tried everything to get you to notice me, but I couldn’t help but feel like you liked her and not me. Everytime we would come out, you would be there too.
We followed you to the park one day, watching you play baseball with your friends. I still remember the arrogant remark you made when your ball fell into the bushes, and I was going to return it to you.
“ Don’t steal it and run away! ”
Yeah, like the whole world revolves around you.
Remember when you were playing baseball on your balcony and your ball fell to the ground floor? I didn’t pick it up, even stopped my cousin from picking it up, just to get revenge on you for assuming I’d steal it.
We even tried confessing to you. Stayed up multiple nights trying to confess without my parents or brother finding out, finally coming up with the easiest way.
One night, we went out to the balcony at 2 in the morning, by telling my parents my cousin was feeling nauseous, and she wanted some fresh air, and then we did it. You were alone on your balcony, talking to someone on your phone. My sister pointed to me, made a heart and then pointed at you. You didn’t get it, probably thought we were mad. I felt disappointed, discouraged. Nevertheless, we still tried, but we couldn’t find you alone the following days.
I saw you talking with your sisters, and then you laughed…
While looking at me…
You were the one who made me feel confident, but at that moment, I felt insecure. I felt like you didn’t like me. I felt like I was fat, I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I felt like I wasn’t good enough.
Maybe I wasn’t…
But I still couldn’t help stalking you every moment I could. Do you know how long I’ve been trying to find you on social media, but couldn’t? Imagine my frustration when I found out you do have Instagram, but I couldn’t find it.
Even if I did, what would I do? It’s not like I can talk to you online, shit, I can’t even stare at you without blushing, nor can I talk to you in real life.
If, one day I do talk to you, it would be the biggest accomplishment of my life. I wanna talk to you for hours if or when we become friends. I want you to be aware of my past and what things have made me who I am today. I wanna smile with you, cry with you, see the sunset and stars with you, cook with you, do everything with you.
Because, Dear Neighbour,
I love you.