Chapter Text
Olivia was sitting on a couch with a glass of red wine in her hand and the book she was pretending to read in front of her. It was a nice and relaxing evening despite everything that went down with the case and Barba. She was feeling betrayed by him, but she also saw that he was trying to make an effort. Truth was that she really missed Rafael, she missed their drinks at Forlini's and lazy Sundays with Noah in the park. She missed sitting in her office with Barba trying to come up with a gameplan for the case and she even missed fighting with him about their different approaches. She missed the way they worked together – throwing ideas at each other, disagreeing at times, their easy banter, and their bickering.
She missed her friend.
She was distracted by Lindstrom's comments about her idealized relationship with Elliot, followed by Amanda's outrageous suggestion of getting a hotel room and getting him out of her system – like a quick fuck with Elliot would be enough, she doubted even a full night of fucking Elliot would make a difference, like it was even possible to get Elliot Stabler out of her system – and even more by Barba's accusations that she loved Elliot unconditionally. It didn't matter if it was true or not, she was yet to figure out if she did love Elliot or not, but if she did that was probably as unconditional as they come, nevertheless that was none of Barba's business.
Her relationship with Elliot equaled 50 shades of complicated, divided by 24 years, subtracted by Gitano, Oregon, Italy and Computer Crimes; multiplied by indescribable ionic bond that was just them, their instinctive protection for the other added to the sum, but their stubbornness and unwillingness to admit their feelings had to be subtracted from the total. But the true essence of the relationship was the square root of previous sum which marked Olivia's fears to take the next step and Elliot's drive for dangerous undercover operations. And that's how you define Olivia and Elliot's relationship. At least it seemed to be the easiest way to do it if one is any good at math. If not, then there really is no good way to define the relationship and it was best to leave it at complicated.
She was lost in her thoughts of Elliot and Amanda's preposterous advice about him – the one she momentarily considering taking – when her phone rang and pulled her out of thoughts.
"Benson," she said without even checking the caller ID.
"Olivia," Ayanna said on the other end of the line, she was all business.
Olivia checked the time while there was uneasy silence on both ends.
"Are you alone?" Ayanna asked cautiously.
Olivia furrowed her brows, placed the wine glass on the table and looked around as if to find somebody suddenly lurking around or a date she didn't remember bringing home suddenly emerging from her bedroom, but her apartment was still empty other than Noah, who was listening to music in his room and probably not studying like he said he was, but Olivia was willing to let this one slip.
"Yeah," she replied heavily, she closed the book and placed it on the table distracting herself.
Olivia's eyes went wide, she suddenly realized what the call was about. She inhaled sharply.
"Elliot," she whispered and exhaled. She wished she had something to hold onto when Ayanna's gonna deliver the news of Elliot's death. Before she could properly prepare herself though, his voice came from the phone.
"I'm okay," Elliot said on the other side.
Olivia exhaled, a relief washed through her at the sudden and very real fear that Elliot was taken from her again, this time for good.
"But I got made by Donnelly," Elliot added.
"What happened?" Olivia asked.
"Nothing really," Elliot said reluctantly.
"Elliot," she warned. Olivia could almost hear Ayanna smirk and Elliot sweat, she could almost see Elliot running his hand over his head and wince like a schoolboy.
"They tried to take me out, but I wore a vest. I'll tell you all about it, when it's finished," Elliot said. He probably heard the way her breath hitched when Elliot mentioned getting shot. "I'll bring a bottle of red and pizza, and we can talk all about it," he said.
Olivia widened her eyes. Did he really imply that they have a dinner with wine together in front of his supervisor? Was that him asking her out? What was Olivia supposed to say to that? She couldn't say no to a guy who just took a bullet. She knew she wanted to say yes, she's been wanting to say yes to him since he asked her and Noah to come over for Christmas lunch. But she can't, could she?
"Sure," she replied casually before she went down the rabbit hole and overthought a simple dinner invitation, while grinning like a teenager after the cute boy from the football team finally asked her out. She was glad Elliot couldn't see her. Wonder if he was grinning the same way?
"Now that's settled," Ayanna remarked, she sounded uninterested in whatever was going on between Elliot and Olivia, probably wanting to call it a night and go home. "This is a professional curtesy call on Elliot's incentive."
"Liv's fully read in on this operation, she's my approved contact," Elliot protested.
Olivia smiled. She was distracted for a moment by Fin calling her – that seemed strange, but she let Fin go into voicemail and call him back when she's done with Ayanna. If it was another case, she had to be ready to go to work and leave Noah sleeping alone.
She swiped Fin's call away, while Ayanna and Elliot were bickering about the reason of the call with Elliot insisting Olivia should be notified of everything quite possibly for Olivia's benefit, Olivia decided to steer them in the right direction.
"What's happening?" Olivia asked, fully professional now, ready to jump into action. She was already thinking if she could jump back into the same shirt she had worn to work that day and if Noah was getting old enough to spend the night alone with Olivia coming back before he woke up.
"Your cowboy here was being modest, he took 3 bullets to the vest. As far as the brotherhood goes, they think he's dead," Ayanna said in her sergeant voice.
Olivia gasped.
"Liv, I'm fine," Elliot insisted.
"I put it out on the radio, buy us the element of surprise when we take them down," Ayanna explained.
"When is that gonna be?" she asked and closed her eyes, she took deep breaths.
"We'll round them up tomorrow morning," Ayanna said.
"I'll call you when we're in the clear," Elliot promised.
"Okay," Olivia said, she reached for the glass of red wine. Maybe that's why Fin called her. She froze, wine glass nearly touching her lips. "You need me to pretend Elliot's dead until then," she said once she realized.
"Yeah, I have to be dead for a little while," Elliot confirmed sadly.
"People have been calling on it over the radio. It's only a matter of time before you squad hears about it," Ayanna said.
"Fin tried calling me just before, safe to say my squad already knows," Olivia said knowingly, she wouldn't be surprised if Fin was on his way over to make sure she wouldn't do anything stupid upon hearing the news. "Or SVU has a case and Fin has bad timing," she added, but even she didn't believe in it.
"Liv, I know you trust Fin, but you can't tell him. I trust him too, you know that," Elliot reasoned.
Olivia rolled her eyes. She's been painfully letting Fin believe that Elliot is dirty for months now, she wasn't going to let the cover go now that this was almost over.
"I'm not gonna tell him," Olivia assured them.
"Maybe you can take a personal day tomorrow?" Ayanna suggested.
Olivia shook her head.
"I don't think I'd take a day off. I'll make it believable, don't worry," Olivia said confidently. "I've mourned the loss of Elliot once already, I can pretend to do it again," she added bitterly.
"Ouch," Elliot said.
She didn't apologize. Nor did Elliot really expect her to. Olivia was distracted again another call disrupting her, she removed her phone from her ear and saw Amanda's name flashing on the screen. She pushed it away and sent her to the voicemail. Her team was now surely aware of Elliot's "death".
"You'll let me know tomorrow, when you become undead?" Olivia changed the topic back into their case and the gameplan.
"I will," Elliot said quickly, eager to keep his promise.
"Your family?" Olivia asked.
"Ee…I haven't called them yet," Elliot admitted, he sounded almost surprised to realize that he had kids, who might hear about it. "I'll give Kathleen a call and make Eli stay off his phone."
Olivia chuckled. She felt something odd at the knowledge that Elliot had called her first and he hadn't really thought about his family yet. True, Olivia was more likely to hear about his "death" and that would put a strain on their relationship, friends or whatever they were. And it would postpone whatever they could be.
"Mom!"
Olivia snapped back into reality, when Noah's curly head appeared in front of her, he crossed his arms over his chest and glanced at his mother seriously.
"El, hang on a sec," Olivia quickly said on the phone, but she was sure Elliot and Ayanna had heard Noah since they fell silent on the other end. She pressed her phone into her shoulder to muffle the microphone. "Yes, sweet boy?" Olivia turned to Noah.
"Are you gonna go to work?" he asked seriously.
Olivia shook her head. "No," she said with a smile, glad she could give Noah that.
"Promise?" Noah demanded.
"I promise," Olivia said easily.
"Is that work?" Noah asked.
Olivia paused. "It's Elliot. He needed to tell me something about a case we're working together," she explained while technically not lying, but not really telling the truth.
"At 8pm?" Noah asked and lifted an eyebrow.
Olivia nodded. "Yeah, crime also works outside office hours," she said.
"And you're not gonna go away?" Noah asked just to confirm.
"No, I'm not," Olivia said once more.
"And Elliot is not gonna come by?" Noah continued his questioning
"No," Olivia said, now suddenly thinking about the last time Elliot dropped by and if Noah could've heard it. She brushed it off. "It is time for you to go to bed though," Olivia reminded Noah, whose hands fell to his sides and his face fell.
"20 more minutes," Noah pleaded.
"20 more and then bedtime," Olivia said strictly.
"Yeah," Noah agreed and ran back to his room.
Olivia waited to hear the door of his room to close before taking the phone again.
"I just got interrogated by my 9-year-old," Olivia admitted to Ayanna and Elliot, lightening the mood slightly.
She heard laughter on the other side of the phone.
"Liv, I'll make it up to you, I promise," Elliot said sincerely. "To you and Noah."
"Just be careful, wear your vest and stay alive," she said in her Captain mode, a clot in her throat now at the thought of Elliot actually dying in the process taking down the guys, who thought they had killed Elliot already. And it was on a case she was directly involved with – something she signed off on. She wished for a moment she could leave her home and assist Elliot with this, be partners once again, but she knew Elliot wouldn't allow it and she had Noah. And she was no longer his partner, Ayanna held that position now.
"I will," Elliot promised.
Olivia's phone was ringing again, it was Fin.
"Ayanna, Elliot, I have to go, Fin is calling again. I swear if I don't reply soon he's gonna send a rescue team to my door," Olivia said, knowing full well that Fin would actually do just that if he's not gonna hear from her soon.
"He's protective," Ayanna commented.
Olivia nearly mentioned how it changed with Lewis, but since Elliot wasn't aware of it – to her knowledge at least – she didn't say anything and simply agreed with Ayanna.
"Liv, be safe. I don't think Donnelly would think to come for you, but be careful just in case," Elliot spoke.
"I'll put an unmarked squad on Kathleen's place," Olivia decided.
"One is there already," Ayanna said.
"Oh," Olivia said and knitted her brows. It wasn't a standard procedure to put security on UCs family.
"It's been there since Webb put out a hit on Stabler," Ayanna explained.
"Webb? A hit on Stabler?" Olivia repeated her mouth open wide.
"It's nothing, I'm fine, Liv. The hit failed," Elliot said like a schoolboy who'd just been caught sneaking out of class to go have a cigarette behind the basketball court.
"You didn't tell her?" Ayanna asked, she sounded amused.
"I haven't seen her. I was gonna tell her when I'm out," Elliot explained quietly.
"Sounds like you two could use some time to catch up. He's already asked not to be sent back undercover for a while and I agree. I'm giving him some time off after we have the Brotherhood lined up. I have a feeling you two have a lot more to talk about than two failed attempts on Elliot's life," Ayanna deadpanned, still not amused by the dance Olivia and Elliot were doing.
Olivia nearly burst out laughing, but miraculously she didn't. Ayanna was now 4th person to call her (and Elliot) out about sorting out their feelings for each other. She'd find it funny, except it stopped being funny, when she started to seriously consider Amanda's suggestion and getting a hotel room with Elliot and just fucking whatever it is out of their systems. Bonus would be to ease the tension in her and give her welcomed ache between her legs she hasn't felt in months now, and she'd get an orgasm that couldn't be charged via USB; probably she could even fall asleep with his arms around her and that was something she has missed since she and Ed broke up.
"Pizza and bottle of red tomorrow, Olivia," Elliot reminded her, he sounded uncomfortable. Olivia snapped back into Elliot going to arrest the Brotherhood and no doubt there would be some confrontations.
"Elliot, be careful. Wear a vest," she repeated in her Captain mode and ignored the obvious idea of a date he was throwing out there. But she felt like giving both of them something to look forward to. "Dinner comes after, make sure you stay alive for it."
"Yeah, I will. I promise," Elliot said earnestly, he had schoolboyish glee in his voice.
"I'll call you if there is any news or any reason for concern," Ayanna promised.
"Thank you. I'll talk to both of you shortly," Olivia said.
She disconnected the call after hearing both Elliot and Ayanna give their goodbyes. She took her glass of wine from the table, but before she could take a sip she so desperately craved, her phone was ringing again. If it wasn't for the 9-year-old in the other room, she would've screamed or at least cursed very loudly. She needed a minute to collect herself and switch herself into the mood of a grieving partner once again.
Nevertheless, Olivia took a sip of her red wine – which would be replaced the next day by Elliot – she took a deep breath and answered her phone.
"Fin," she said.
"Liv, have you heard?" Fin said on the other side of the phone urgently, he got straight to the point.
"Yeah," Olivia said with a sigh, a sign of a woman in mourning.
"I'm so sorry. He was a good man. It's such a tragedy he was taken from us too soon," Fin spoke, he sounded broken, which surprised Olivia. But then again Fin and Elliot worked together for over a decade, and it didn't feel surprising at all.
"Yeah," Olivia said. She wished she could tell Fin the truth and spare her loyal sergeant from the heartache, but she couldn't.
"Liv, do you wanna take a day off? I can hold down the squad," Fin offered.
"No, I think I need to work," Olivia declined the offer. She probably needed to work anyway just to keep her mind from going to all the dark places – thinking of Elliot going after Donnelly. There were about hundred different things that could go wrong.
"I thought so," Fin said knowingly.
Olivia smiled to herself for having anticipated that reaction from Fin.
"Are you okay?" Fin asked.
"No," Olivia replied, it wasn't even a lie.
"Liv, I'm so sorry. I know you and Elliot had your differences and you have been trying to work things out in the past months, but he was a good man. I know he wasn't good with words and his actions were often telling the opposite, but he really cared for you. He wanted to make things right between the two of you," Fin spoke.
Olivia's breath nearly got caught in her throat. Was she losing her mind or did Fin just make hints of her and Elliot? Was she dreaming? She pinched herself just to make sure her calm and no-bullshit sergeant was talking about her relationship with Elliot in a way she hadn't heard before.
"Elliot loved you, Liv," Fin said after a pause. His voice was calm and collected, he sounded sad. "I wish he would've had the time to tell you this," he continued, when Olivia stayed silent.
"Did he tell you that?" was all Olivia managed to say, ignoring that Elliot did in fact tell her that on one occasion. It didn't feel real though.
"He didn't have to. It's the way he looked at you, the way he made sure you were safe. With his Albanian UC job, he sent me a text to keep a watch over you. He used to do that when you two were partners and when he wasn't around. He sent me the same text when he put his papers in. And he texted me, when he got booted out of OCCB in case something happened to him. It's what I would do with Phoebe," Fin spoke, spilling Elliot's secrets, not knowing he was still alive somewhere.
What was she supposed to say to that?
"I'm just sorry you didn't have enough time to figure it out – whatever it was between you guys, whatever you wanna call it," Fin continued sadly.
"Me too," she replied, not lying.
"Look, Liv, I'm here for whatever you need. We can take Noah if you want to be alone or me and Rollins can keep the squad running if you need to take a few days and run to some far away place," Fin spoke, Olivia felt sudden gratitude for Fin and it pained her just a little further that he was expected to keep Elliot's secret even if it was for just for a day.
"Thanks," Olivia said. "How are you feeling?" she changed topic.
"Not gonna lie, I might've shed a few tears and Phoebe's been hovering. It doesn't feel real yet somehow," Fin spoke. Olivia wanted to say again that it wasn't real, but somehow she didn't. "I guess it will after the funeral. It did with Mike," Fin continued.
Olivia threw her head back and took a deep breath. She didn't know what to say, she wanted to make it better for Fin, but she had no idea how. "Just one day at a time," Olivia said.
"Yeah," Fin agreed.
"Mom!"
Saved by the bell.
"Fin, look I'm sorry, but I have to go," Olivia apologized.
"Yeah, I heard. Go read your boy a bedtime story and tuck him in," Fin said knowingly.
"Give me a call, if you want to talk. I'll keep my phone on," Olivia said and she really meant it.
"Thanks, same goes for you. I've already warned Phoebe," Fin said, once again knowing Olivia well.
"I'm glad I don't have to report every phone call to Noah," Olivia lightened the mood with a joke.
"Yet. Soon enough, Liv," Fin replied.
Olivia chuckled, wished a good night to Fin and ended the call. She took another sip of wine – what a day, what a week. And the day to confront her feelings toward Elliot was coming closer by the second. She wasn't sure if she was ready for it. She wasn't sure if she'd ever be ready.
"Mom!"
"Coming."
She was glad Noah gave her a distraction, even if it was a brief one. She knew she wouldn't be sleeping that night and ironically that could help her with the appearance of grieving Elliot. She took a deep beath and went to the most pleasant distraction in her life to read a bedtime story to her son and tuck him in. She might even watch him sleep for a bit; it has always had a calming effect on her.