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"I like you Hoon," Riki whispers, almost inaudibly. He wants to let his world know how much he loves him. And through all the vagueness, it's somehow apparent that Sunghoon really is his world.
Sunghoon smiles forcibly before shaking his head ever-so-slightly, Riki shouldn't.
"Can't you hear me Sunghoon? I like you- so, so much!" he screams in frustration. Trying his best to compose himself, he counts his breathing, trying to not disrupt the pattern and consistency.
Sunghoon looks away, wanting to make himself seem like he was unaware of what's currently happening. Riki cannot like him, Riki should not fall in love with him. Riki should never do things like those, it's dreadful.
"Hoon please" Riki begs, "Sunghoon, I've liked you for God knows how long, please don't do this" he adds.
Riki knew what this felt like. It was an awful familiarity, he knew how being discarded felt like, he knew it so damn well. He forces himself to stop all these, he wants to just leave Sunghoon there, he wants to leave, he really does, and yet, he couldn't.
Sunghoon was his best friend, someone who had been there since forever, the only person that stayed, the one who'd been with him through his best and through his worst. To Riki, Sunghoon was his only constant.
He thought. He dreamt. He hoped.
And asking himself, what hurts the most? Ah. It's the painful truth that all those thoughts, those dreams and hopes will stay that way. Reeking in untruths, screams in lies, shrieks in falsified realities.
He knew that they had potential. If they had perhaps tried, Riki knows it would've ended as well as looked upon. If only they risked what's meant to be risked, it would've turned out as something worthy. One small step backward and a million big steps forward, it would have ended that way.
To him, falling in love with his Sunghoon was rather done out of choice and never out of spite. He knew what he would have gotten himself into, and yet, he fought against non-existent odds. He wanted to prove himself that stepping in the pitfall was worth it, he wanted to make himself believe that all the love he'd given wouldn't go to waste.
"Sunghoon, I love you," he murmurs again, only this time, it was in an unexplainable tone.
Was it the presence of varying emotions? Yes.
"You don't," Sunghoon briefly says.
"But I do! I'm not lying here Sunghoon, I'm telling the truth, I love you so damn much!"
Sunghoon shrugs, refusing to give an answer. He can't let his heart overpower his brain, it would lead to a big turn of events.
Sunghoon wants to lure himself to the trap, he wants to fall in, he never hoped for this to happen. He wants to tell the world how much he loves Riki—he cannot. An awful, pitiful, woeful happening would take place if he did.
I love you Riki.
Millions of times he said I love you to Riki and this was the one time it sent him haywires. Millions of times he said no to Riki and this is the one time it sent him to dungeons of pain and remorse.
And you may ask, why was he so afraid to express his love?
Unfortunately, he doesn't know either. He loves Riki to the moon and back and yet, he couldn't make himself worthy of receiving such.
Lots of possible reasons as to why he's scared but surely, fear is the main cause.
Sunghoon was scared. He was fearful, he didn't know how to handle this bone-chilling scare. He can't have himself under control.
He is scared he'd end up hurting Riki, he is scared they'd eventually fall apart, he is scared that the love he has for the other isn't enough, he is scared he'd end up undeserving of Riki's love. He is scared of all things that may take place all the while it never did.
He's scared of the possibilities, he's looking too much through the broken fragments of Riki—analyzing each and single one of those, he reads to the roots of Riki's heart knowing how much that fistful of beating organ sings in the rhythm of his name.
He was overthinking the impossibilities of possibilities. He's gone way off the coast of every single thing that may happen, he let his mind drift off the succumbing pain of overlooking through things a greater amount than expected.
"Sunghoon, please." Riki sniffs, "I'd do anything for you to believe that I actually love you, just please, don't- don't be like this" he begs again.
"You don't love me, you- you just think you do, but believe me Riks, you do not" Sunghoon convinces Riki, or more so, convinces himself.
Riki's heart almost tears apart upon hearing that very statement. So that's what he thinks of my love? Something so easy to get past at?
He feels offended, not because he expected Sunghoon to return his feelings, but because Sunghoon underestimated him so much. Because Sunghoon defined his love as something so easy to break off from. Sunghoon viewed Riki's love as something everly temporary that it just vanishes within a blink of an eye.
Riki remains silent, hearing the noise of nothing at all, on the contrary, he hears his heart break almost within an instant, the break reverberating like it was something never ending.
Riki couldn't even cry. He wants to ease this pain by crying, sadly, he could not. He simply lets himself drown in the oceans of wilderness.
"It's okay," Riki breathes in and forces a sweet smile, "I'm sorry Hoon."
—
As Sunghoon watched Riki's back retreat, he knew right then, he had lost the most beautiful thing that ever happened in his life.
He lost Riki.
And with that, he failed to withstand the pain.
"I'm sorry too Riki, I love you."