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Eskel sighs deeply as he looks at the staircase. The inn owner had balked at first when he stepped inside, spitting and cursing all Witchers and telling him to fuck off. But the moment he mentioned looking for a red headed Witcher, the woman’s attitude changed. She nodded frantically and ushered him towards the stairs, even promising to pay him to remove the Witcher barricaded upstairs from her inn and their town as soon as possible. And in any way. She’d eyed his swords and smiled and then left him.
Eskel glances over his shoulder and frowns at her eerily creepy smile. He nods his head and forces a tightlipped smile before she tries to kick him out or burns the place down just to be rid of them both. He sucks in a sharp breath and heads up the stairs, two at a time. Dread fills him with each step and he has no clue what to expect.
Lambert has always been a bit more volatile than the rest of their brothers. The man is fine one moment, laughing and joking and having a great time. Then the next, he could be spitting and cursing and threatening to kill someone. Sometimes, he’ll let Eskel hold him after they’ve fucked, let the older Witcher run his fingers through his thick curls and whisper sweet words into his ear. And sometimes Lambert just wants to fuck and leave. He’d find Eskel somewhere along the path, jump him, and then split with barely more than a grunted hello shared between them.
This weird thing between them is still new, still fragile and different. It’s been going on for nearly a year. This whatever. Lambert hasn’t given him any clue, any indication of what the red wolf thinks of their whatever it is. But Eskel is certain. He loves Lambert. He wants the red wolf in his arms and his bed for the rest of their lives. He wants to travel the Path with him, to be together always. He wants Lambert through the bad times and the good. He wants to be there for him when his bad moods rise to the surface, when he gets to the dark place and he runs. Eskel wants to hold him and tell him it’ll be okay and they can run together. He wants to run away with Lambert and let the younger Witcher know he’s loved.
Eskel can feel the tension in the air as he ascends the steps. He feels nerves prick at his spine as he moves a bit too slowly but he can’t seem to hurry. He’s almost terrified of what he’ll find. He doesn’t know what to expect from Lambert this time. Not since the red wolf had vanished a few nights ago. It seemed different this time, as if something deeper and darker was wrong, something Eskel couldn’t figure out. Eskel sucks in a breath as he reaches the top and turns for the row of doors. He can feel Lambert, feel his anguish and torment and Eskel can’t stop the gasp that escapes him at what he feels from his red wolf. He pauses in front of the door and touches the handle.
“Eskel?”
There’s surprise in the voice. Also maybe a touch of nerves and disbelief. Lambert sounds broken and it rips Eskel’s heart and he can physically feel the pain. “I’m here, Lambs.” He says softly and leans against the door. “Can I… can… can I come in?” He asks softly and grips the handle tighter. He wants to break the door down but he resists. The lock clicks and Eskel suchs in a breath. He turns the handle and pushes the door open.
Lambert stands in the middle of the room. His back is to Eskel and his entire body is tense. Eskel glances around the room. The sparse furniture is broken. The blanket and curtains torn. Glass is shattered and there’s flecks of blood.
Eskel sighs as he steps inside. He closes the door behind himself and turns again. He reaches for Lambert and the man flinches when he touches his shoulder. Lambert shrinks, he hangs his head but he doesn’t move away. Eskel pulls on him as he walks around him. Lambert won’t look at him but Eskel can see the tears staining his cheeks and how red and swollen his eyes are. He glances down and can see how busted Lambert’s hands are. Eskel frowns as he focuses on that. He breathes out and reaches towards him. Lambert flinches again and Eskel clicks his tongue and shakes his head. “Let me see, sweetheart.” He says, sliding his fingers slowly down the younger man’s wrists. Lambert doesn’t pull away and Eskel takes one of his hands in his. “I left my pack out front with Scorpion.”
Lambert still doesn’t look at Eskel. But he lifts his head just enough for his eyes to flit across the room.
Eskel follows and sees the other man’s pack. He hums and nods and turns. He quickly finds a scrap of cloth that looks clean enough and a water skin and returns. “Sit.” He touches Lambert’s chest and pushes on him lightly.
Lambert nods and backs up a step. He moves until the back of his legs brush against the bed and he sits. He sinks into the mattress and breathes out sharply. Eskel kneels on the floor in front of him and Lambert looks away.
Eskel dampens the cloth and starts running it gently over the red wolf’s hands. He slowly cleans the blood and dirt away. When he finishes, he moves on to the next one. He cleans each of Lambert’s battered hands tenderly. Then he lifts each one to his lips and kisses the man’s knuckles. Lambert starts crying again but he doesn’t pull away. Eskel stands and moves closer. He presses himself between Lambert’s legs and touches his shoulders. He slides his fingers to the other man’s neck. He moves slowly and gently, giving Lambert time to stop him. When the younger Witcher doesn’t, Eskel moves his fingers to Lambert’s chin. He tips the man’s head back and Lambert stares up at him with glassy eyes. Eskel smiles down at him. He tilts his head and rubs his fingers over the man’s face. He wipes the tears away gently.
Lambert sighs and leans against his touch. Then he leans against Eskel and wraps his arms around the older Witcher’s waist. “I’m sorry.” Lambert says softly, his voice muffled against Eskel’s stomach.
“You have nothing to be sorry for, sweetheart.” Eskel says, bringing his hands to Lambert’s head. He starts running his fingers through the man’s thick curls. “You’re allowed to fall apart… and I want to help you… but I can’t unless I know what’s wrong. You don’t have to tell me but you know I’d never judge you.”
Lambert hugs Eskel tighter. “Aiden.” He mumbles.
Eskel stiffens, his fingers stopping. “Aiden.” He repeats, his voice clipped. “The cat who broke up with you?”
Lambert sighs again and pulls away. He shakes his head and looks up at Eskel. “He didn’t… he didn’t break up with me…”
“Oh…” Eskel stumbles back a step and swallows. “So… so you’re still… with him?” He asks awkwardly. He’s not sure how he feels about that. He knows he loves Lambert and if he were forced, he might be okay with sharing him. But he remembers the night Lambert first came to him, reeking of sadness and anger and when questioned, he would only say that Aiden was gone. They didn’t really talk after that. Eskel felt the man’s need for a distraction and Eskel was okay with being one. And Lambert came back to his room every night that winter until it felt right and comfortable. And they just continued when spring hit and they left for the Path. They started alone but Lambert just kept popping up. Eskel looks away and backs up a step.
“No!” Lambert shakes his head and grabs Eskel’s hand desperately. “No! I swear, Eskel! There’s no one but you! I haven’t been with anyone since… not since…”
Eskel swallows and shakes his head slowly. He’s not looking at Lambert and he has to force himself not to. Because he’s not sure he wants the answer. Because once the thought is in his head, it twists his stomach. He’s not sure he wants to share Lambert. “When, Lambert?”
Lambert flinches and inhales deeply. He rubs his eyes with his free hand and sniffs and then brings Eskel’s hand to his lips. He kisses the older Witcher’s knuckles before sighing. “Not… not since… he died… last year….”
Eskel blinks and looks back down at Lambert. “Died?” He repeats.
Lambert can feel his eyes wet again and he looks away. He tries and fails to blink the tears away and he breathes out shakily. “Before.” He says softly. “Before I came home last winter…”
Eskel stops breathing for a minute as Lambert’s words sink in. He pulls himself out of Lambert’s hold and backs up a step. He shakes his head as his mind wraps around the fact Lambert’s just admitted he was a rebound in the most extreme way possible. He sucks in a sharp breath and turns. “Did you uh… did you ever want me? Or was I just the first one you ran into? I was the first one back… I was the only one there besides Vesemir…” Lambert doesn’t answer and Eskel shakes his head again. He lets out a sharp laugh and turns around, his back to the other man.
“No!” Lambert stands and reaches for Eskel’s hand. “Wait, wait, wait! Please, Esk! I may have climbed in your bed that night outta grief… I just…” He steps closer and when Eskel doesn’t pull away, he leans against his back. “Esk… I was so… angry and empty… I just.. I wanted to feel something other than the empty numbness that I… I really thought… I think in a weird way… fucking you that night… it saved my life… you saved my life. It was more than just the sex that made me keep coming back. It was you holding me after… making me feel… safe…”
Eskel leans back against Lambert. He holds his breath as he listens to the red wolf’s voice. He can feel the tremor in the other man and he waits. He doesn’t want to interrupt. It’s the most words Lambert has said to him. It may have been the most words he ever heard him say. Lambert’s version of communication is more of growling and grunting.
“I loved Aiden…” Lambert continues, his voice shaking again. “We were together for…” He sighs. “For a long time. And if he were still alive… fuck… I don’t know, Esk. Sometimes I think I still love him… and I’ll probably never stop… but Eskel… I want you too… I need you. Fuck, Esk… I can’t imagine my life without you anymore. I swear! I will… I’ll figure out a way to forget him and I’ll never bring up Aiden again! I’ll… somehow… I’ll… make myself forget him.”
Eskel sighs and shakes his head. He pulls away and feels the way Lambert stiffens and shifts behind him and he turns. Eskel wraps his arms around Lambert’s neck and shakes his head again. “No, Lambs. I know how much you loved him. I… I’ll be honest, sweetheart. I… I always thought… deep down… I was just a placeholder. I was afraid of him just showing up one day and taking you away from me… I know we’ll always be brothers and friends… but I just… Lambchop… the idea of never being able to hold you again… to kiss you and touch you… I love you, Lambert.” He says, speaking the words aloud for the first time.”
Lambert’s eyes widen and his mouth drops open in a gasp. “You… you do?”
Eskel nods. “I don’t want to replace Aiden… I know I’ll never be able to. But I’d still like a place in your heart.”
Lambert nods and wraps his arms around Eskel. He pulls the older Witcher closer and nods again. “You do! Eskel… fuck! Yes, of course you do! I can’t exist without you!”