Archive of Our Own ^beta

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“Are you fucking kidding me with this fugly ass moth dude?” 

The video opens, a young woman is shown sitting on the passenger side of a car, clear annoyance displayed on her face. After a few moments of barely contained laughter, a male voice is heard as well, though whatever he’s trying to say to her is mostly concealed by another bout of snorting laughter.

“What do you think of Killer Moth, Mari?” Said voice, identifiable as Tim Drake given the account it is in, asks. The amusement is still clear in his words. 

“What do I think?!” The girl, now known as Mari, glares towards the camera for a moment, before starting her rant. “Tim, that outfit is absolutely disgusting! Who lets anyone go outside in that? Are they colourblind? Are they just plain stupid? This.. I can’t do this man. I’m a fashion designer for fucks sake, and this *moth* is trying to actively murder me. Just stab my eyes out already.”

Tim took a moment to get a better look, zooming in on what must be the single ugliest costume he has ever seen and again, laughs heartily before turning back to Mari, who is still not done with this mess of a villain.

“Here I thought I had seen it all. Akuma after akuma of ugly ass clothes, horrific hair styles. Even weapons that have you wonder what kid put them together. No coordination, no style, no sense of semblance and knowledge of fashion. But here I am in fucking Gotham and you just had to be the worst in something again didn’t you? Didn’t you?”

“I would take offense to that, but you’re right. Not even The Riddler looks this bad.”

“That’s the dude with all the question marks right?” Mari started, apparently ready to move onto him as a next topic. Tim shook the camera quickly though, and turned back to show Killer Moth once more.

Said villain was.. Well. He was losing. Badly. Even from the distance the car was in they could see this. At least two or three Bats were busy trying to get the Moth out of the air and into their handcuffs. Or bat-cuffs? 

“Are you seriously telling me that this fashion disaster is going to be the reason I’m late for my first day at work? Screw him.” Mari ends up saying, crossing her arms and huffing. Leaned back in her seat like this, lip slightly pouted out, you would almost call her cute.

Tim knew better.

“All of the Moths are disgusting.”

“Even Mothman?” Tim asks with a gasp.

At that, Marinette blinks and shakes her head. “No. No we love Mothman. Mothman is love, Mothman is life.”

Another snort. “What is your obsession with Mothman even, Mari? You didn’t even know who he was before you came here.”

“Oh, me and Bernard are gonna go look for him for this winter break.” The girl chirped happily, the villain in front of her apparently forgotten. “We wanna find him and slap his ass! Have you seen how thick it is? Amazing. Definitely the one reason I’m bi. We don’t have cryptids like him back in France.”

“I mean, he’s probably the reason why I am too, so…I get how that is.”

“Who would win in a fight? Mothman or the Bats.” Marinette suddenly asks, and with that the video ends.

It is this exact video that Tim Drake later that morning tried to post to his private twitter. This account, full of videos of himself, his family and his friends being ridiculous, is however not the one he opened. Call it the helping hand of Lady Luck, or call it a sleep-deprived Bat boy, but this clip of banter ended up being the catalyst for a lot more chaos than either had expected.

The official Tim Drake account has never seen so much traffic as today.

The video went viral that same morning. Nobody in Gotham had expected Timothy Drake-Wayne, CEO of the Wayne corporation, to be the one with some humor in him. And the girl that was with him, known to the public only as Mari, was amazing. Comment after comment to his post reacted positively to her and her reactions. Some found her cute, some wanted her to step on them, but they all agreed that they wanted to hear more of what she said.

So when Mari, under her twitter handle of @theonewhorisesforbread, replied that they always recorded themselves in the car, they went crazy.

Demands for more videos or recordings flowed in the rest of the day. A hashtag was made for them, #TimandMariPodcast, and seemed to be a great success.

Who were they to deny their public the fun? That day, a podcast was made. 

“Hey guys, gals and nonbinary pals! And welcome to ‘Tim and Mari are barely functioning’. A podcast made by us, Tim and Mari. Also, we have had nothing but disagreement from Bruce about us doing this, so we’re doing this anyway. Hope you enjoy this first episode!”

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“As we near our final akuma designs of this episode, I think it’s time to tell people that we did make a website where you can see them, I have added it to the description of this episode, so feel free to bitch along with Mari here. You can leave reactions on twitter and just tag us, we’ll happily reply, if Mari here eventually stops to let me air this.”

“Hey!”

“Mari, you’ve been at it for almost an hour.. I have to cut so much of this.”

“Sucks to be you, then.”

A sigh is heard from Tim Drake, before it goes back to Mari in her usual cheery voice.

“And let’s talk about Reflekta for a sec here. Who in their right mind?! Well, Hawkmoth, obviously. But that was just nasty. And she turned everyone into herself! With that doll of hers there too. Both look absolutely hideous! Pink clown looking ass… And I need you to know that I know the person - the girl behind the akuma. And no I won’t name her, fuck you, she’s entitled to her privacy. But she’s totally goth. All blacks, all edgy, it’s a good look on her. And this dude dared turn her pink! Pink!! I love pink! But not on her I don’t, that’s just rude. So fuck you Hawkmoth. And speaking of!” 

Mari could be heard taking a deep breath, and all around Gotham, viewers would come to know this as the ‘shit going down’ breath. 

“He’s such a pussy that he akumatised the same dude over 72 times! Yes you heard that right, my accent ain’t ruining this. Seventy-two! Mr pigeon, poor man, really nice when you get to know him, had to go through this shit so often it became a game to the people of Paris! We made bets on how long it would take before he’d get got again!”

“Like god damn, what did Mr Pigeon fucking DO, Hawkmoth? Shit in your cereal?” Tim asked, butting in for a second. To which Mari was starting her rant up once more.

Until a soft ringtone was heard. Mari was silent for a few moments, and then snorted out a bout of laughter.

“Sorry guys, that was just Jay sending some vids of last night. Let’s get back to the schedule.”

“It’s still so weird to me that you hang out with my brother.” Tim mused, unknowingly to their audio audience he was shaking his head at her. “Do I even wanna know what you two were up to, miss murder sunshine?”

A beat of silence.

“The fuck did you just call me, Timmy?”

“Murder sunshine. Jay called you that and I’m taking it. Fits you quite nicely don’t ya think?”

Mari hummed just barely loud enough for the mic to pick it up. At that moment her thoughts were running wild. Would she allow the nickname or bury it under the next story. Obviously, she chose the latter.

“Well I guess I won’t be showing you the pics or tiktok vids from the strip club then, will I? Disrespecting me like that. Hmpf.”

“The pics of where ?!”

A female cackle could be heard, as the tunes of their outro started to play as well. This was, in short, quite the whiplash of an episode. From going through a top ten of akuma’s, Mari dominating over her friend, and the mention of her being somewhere on tiktok - there was enough for the curious citizens of Gotham to talk about. 

#MurderSunshine became famous within half an hour of the release of the podcast, to Mari’s annoyance. Tim, however, tweeted with the hashtag five times that night. 

One of their fans, a user by the name of ‘KansasBoi’, managed to find the tiktok Jason had uploaded of himself and Mari’s escapade to one of the city’s many strip clubs. Tim highly suspected it to be Jon or Conner, but he unfortunately had no proof.. Yet.

The video itself started off pretty harmless. It showed Mari and Jason, sticking out their tongues and showing off outfits for the night. A few quick moments of them taking a shot followed. Some dancing, a bit of banter showing off their friendship. But the real showstopper was when a clearly intoxicated Jason called out for an equally intoxicated Mari to show off her skills. Mari herself, who the people finally got a proper look at, stood in front of a pole in all her 5’5 glory. With a wink she threw herself at the pole and started showing off a few of the tricks she knew, learned from her time as Lady Noir. Not that anyone would get to know that .

The video ended with a cheering Jason and a slightly blushing Mari, who was grinning widely though. A sunshine indeed.

Now where did the murder come from?

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“Welcome back to another episode of whatever we named this podcast again. My name’s Mari, in case you didn’t realise, and I’m too tired for this shit. It’s currently six in the goddamn morning, I only just got my hands on the drink of gods aka coffee, and we are stuck in traffic once more due to some fucker deciding they wanted five minutes of fame and being spanked by spandex daddy Batman.”

In the background, one can hear Tim Drake choking on what is presumably said coffee.

“Like we didn’t even have traffic this bad in Paris, for fuck’s sake.”

“I think this is a good moment to mention that a tired Mari is a very… Colourful one.” Tim adds in a stage whisper. “Hi everyone. I’m Tim, this is ‘Tim and Mari are barely functioning’, and we’re stuck in traffic today because Riddler decided the early bird gets the worm. Them being the worm.”

“Oui oui. Is it time for me to roast the lucky charm yet?” 

“Almost, Mari. Almost.”

A crash is heard in the background, as the two hosts sigh in defeat. There’s the unmistaken sound of a car starting back up, and then a soft hum as said car drives. What the listeners do not see is Tim, finally deciding he has had enough, getting himself out of the traffic jam and driving back to where they came from.

“So, Timbo. Riddle me this.” Mari hums out.

A groan can be heard. As well as a playful ‘hey!’.

“You push Marinette? You push her body like the football? Oh! Jail for papa! Jail for papa for One Thousand Years!”

“I nudged you aside, Mari. Don’t be so dramatic.”

“Gasp! Moi? Dramatic? I could never, monsieur.”

“Mari. Just tell the listeners what you think of Riddler’s ugly ass outfit. Maybe by the time we’re done we’ll be closer to work and the sweet salvation of corporate brain death.”

“Oh! So riddle me this, again, Timbo. Why the fuck does Riddler look like he put his costume on in the dark? Like, green can be such a lovely colour. But whatever monstrosity he decided on doesn’t even match! Is he colourblind? Do we need to get him those corrective glasses I see everybody weep over on tiktok? Do we need to ship him to Ireland to see his relative, the Lucky Charm leprechaun? Because my dude, you really rolled a fucking nat 1 on your costume design and we shouldn’t have to deal with your disgusting ass choices.”

“As somebody who’s been kidnapped one too many times by this man because of my surname, I’d like to just mention this: Sir, just stop already. Your riddles are outdated, childish and far below my paygrade.”

“Not all of us can be as smart as you, Timmy Turner. Some of us gotta be the chaotic dumb friend to balance it out.” Mari shot back easily, her voice sounding rather fond. It was slowly becoming well known that Marinette knew how to whip back a retort in seconds, and she quite enjoyed ripping her friends to shreds.

“Now, I know you want fun roasting. But I’m too tired for this shit Tim-Tam. Who the fuck decided on an early morning meeting? I’m gonna throw hands if they do this again.”

“That would be your boss, Mari. Also known as my dad.”

“Mmm. Yeah still going to throw hands. I think I could beat him.”

Muffled laughter is heard in the background.

“You know, Mari, I heard that Riddler has Nygma.”

“Timothy, what in the fuck is Nygma? Is it some American thing I don’t know about?”

“Nygma balls.” 

“I don’t get it?”

“Oh.. Uhm..” The now awkward voice of Tim could be heard. Not before long a chuckle emerged from his companion though.

“Sike. You punk. I hang out with Jason, remember? I know my shit. Hell, I bet I know more shit than you do!”

“Okay. So I’m totally done with today already and I need my music. Sorry guys no akuma this time, I’ll get to it next round. Just join me in hyping myself up for a very long day ahead. Corporate life suuuucks.” Mari groaned out, and a soft tapping could be heard. Then, in the background, a song from the soundtrack of SIX the musical started playing. 

“Wait, is this music copyrighted?”

“Time to use that family fortune for a good cause, Timmy!”

“Can you at least start at the actual first song?”

“Nope!” Mari chimed in happily, before taking on what had to be one of the most ridiculous of French/German accents there is. “And no one wants a waist over, nine inches!”

“Marinette, my dear listeners. Literal French woman. Will do a horrid German accent for her own serotonin. And mine, this is hilarious. I might update a video later of us doing choreography to this, remind me will you?”

“DAS IST GUT OH JA!”

That evening, the podcast aired alongside a little link in the show notes. When clicked on said link, it would take one to Mari’s tiktok. While usually filled with her oddities with Jason Todd, today it hosted a video of herself and Tim - both with bags under their eyes, in the car. It was a clip of them doing an elaborate upper body-only choreography to the song ‘All you wanna do’. The video went trending in just a few hours, spreading itself to twitter with ease. 

A few interested listeners of the podcast were quick to watch through the backlog of Mari’s, and Jason’s, tiktoks. Finding quite a few interesting nuggets of information about their new celebrity. More clues about her time in France for example. Or her utterly adorable ‘excited wiggle’.

And then Mari sent out a single tweet that got Gotham to lose their minds.

“Bruce. Fight me. Tomorrow at 11.”

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“Good fucking morning my guys, gals and nonbinary hero’s. I’m Mari, and today we are back in Tim’s expensive ass car drinking my nectar of the gods.”

“Don’t forget the muffins!”

“Ah, oui. I also made muffins. Comes with growing up in a bakery - I need to make baked goods at least twice a week or I will pull a rogue.”

“Yeah, this car smells incredible and I haven’t eaten breakfast yet so this is torture.”

“So as you all know by now, I’m Mari, and I’m here with Timmy. And we are once again stuck in traffic!” The upbeat voice that Marinette threw out at the end did not match with her current looks and mood at all. But thankfully their listeners did not have to see the bags under her eyes and the unkept birdnest on her head. 

“This time, no supervillains involved. Just a regular ass accident caused by terrible driving. So honestly just another day in Gotham.”

“While we’re here, waiting, what should we talk about this time Tim?” Mari asked, after a loud slurp of coffee. 

“I think we need to address the elephant in the room…namely you tweeting about beating someone up. My Twitter has been bombarded by people asking what the hell happened.” Tim replied, looking over at her quizzically.

“Well. He had it coming. That’s all I can legally say about it, probably? Can I say more?” Mari asked, a shiteating grin on her face. She was sure the listeners could pick out the amusement in her voice also.

“I mean, I think that you can, mostly because I want to hear it. Plus I’m pretty sure everybody at home wants to know too. And I’m taking from how excited you look right now that you want to too.” Tim shot her an equally shit eating grin. He lives for the chaos.

“To disappoint all of my fans - I did not fight him. Not like that anyway. Because I would quite like to have a job and not be in jail today.” Mari said with a bit of a pout on her lip. “This fucker decided to take my number one spot on Duolingo. I am already being absolutely haunted by the damn green owl of hell. And now he took my spot on the leaderboard?! Like, screw you! Mandarin is my heritage, why the fuck are you learning it too! Also how did he take my spot? I have insomnia, I’m on that app so much. Not that it cares. It still sends me reminders to practise and infiltrates my nightmares.”

And she was rambling. Not uncommon at all. But the way she barely seemed to gasp for a breath would leave many a person impressed.

“Speaking of the damn owl. Do you think we can meet it? The tiktok one. I can make a giant ass knife and we can go fight crime together! Or start crime, I am not picky you scary ass owl! Come hang out with me, I’ll make snacks!”

“Mari, I’m just putting this out here. But maybe the insomnia is partly because of the frankly terrifying amounts of caffeine you ingest and partly the green gremlin owl.”

“Do not come at me, you drink almost as much as I do, you bitch.” Mari interjected, before eyeing him with a glint in her eye. Perfect segue.

“Speaking of gremlins. When am I to meet your brother? I’ve met literally everyone by now. What’s up with that? Air it to our listeners.”

“Okay, so. You haven’t met him because you two are both individually so chaotic that I don’t think there would be any survivors. It’d be like having a light match near gasoline. Trust me.”

“And that’s why I wanna meet him! So, Damian, if you’re liste-” And with that, Marinette was cut off by Tim’s hand over her mouth. The girl huffed, and decided the only way to escape from this was to lick his hand in retaliation. “Hey! Fuck off. I just wanna meet the other chaos gremlin, don’t be such a dick. I’m sure our listeners will agree! Guys, tag Timmy here and tell him to let me meet his brother!”

“Ew, Jesus! Don’t lick me, that’s so gross! Also no, do not tag me and don’t tweet that at me! I just got over my mornings being filled with people asking me about you. Damn it, Mari.”

“Then don’t put your disgusting hand over my mouth, you asshole.” She bit back, sticking out her tongue at him. 

“Okay fine. But you’re still not meeting Damian yet.I am not about to open Pandora’s box and have to clean up the aftermath of Hurricane Marinette.”

“Seriously Tim, what are you even so worried about? Are you a coward, Timbo? Are you a lil scaredy cat?”

“Don’t call me Timbo. And no I am not!” He said, sounding like a whiny teen. If anyone looked into the car at this moment, they could see them grinning at one another. This was just playful, a little tease here and there.
The big guns would be dealt without microphones around.

“You know I could just swipe any of your phones and get the number myself. Wouldn’t be the first time. Or the fifth.” Mari hummed, contemplating. 

“Swiper no swiping! Also, it’s adorable that you think that’s my only phone.” Tim replied sneakily.

“Oh I’m aware. But you should also know that Dick’s security? Is lacking. Severely. You wanna see the blackmail pics I got off of it a few days ago?” And with that, she already had her phone out. And his. “Here, let me send it to you right away!”

He was about to protest when he heard the familiar sound of his phone notifications blowing up. “Even if I’d said no, I imagine you would have found a way to send them to me anyway.”

“Eh. Bygones. Now realise that I am being very kind, and not looking for phone numbers in your phone. Which I am holding. Won’t you look at that? How kind I am! I should be allowed to meet a new person now, don’t you think?”

“What about the Kent’s? They love you, and they’re SO nice and non chaotic.”

“You sound like my maman.” Mari grumbled out, crossing her arms and glancing away from him. “You trying to set me up? I’m just looking for a chaos friend. Since you keep saying you’re too busy to cause mayhem with me. And Jay’s outta town for a whole month. A month! What is a girl like me to do?”

“Mari, you know if I could spread mayhem with you that I would. But I literally just became a businessman and I’ll be honest with you, I’m about a solid 60% sure I know what I’m doing.”

“So this is all Bruce’s fault again? Damn, Mr Wayne. You ain’t getting any more popular in my books.” The girl huffed. “I feel like I’m owed an apology or something by now. You’re nearing the boards of Hawky, Mayu-bitch, Chat, and my parents, when it comes to annoyances in my life.”

“And we aren’t even going to mention Lila. I’ve been down that rabbit hole with you.”

Marinette was about to open her mouth again, when the familiar feeling of a slightly moist hand clapped over her own. Her eyes widened and she looked at Tim, in utter shock and betrayal.

“Like I said. I’m not going down the rabbit hole again.” 

“Hmpf!”

“Now I’m going to remove my hand, and this time you had better not lick it or bite me.” He slowly removed his hand from her mouth, trying to not laugh at her expression.”

“Nom!” Mari called out in return, doing her best to sound as French as possible while at it. She knew it amused Tim. “Why can I not do ze biting? I have ze fangs!”

“Because I’m pretty sure you’ve been sharpening them! Are you a god damned vampire?!” Tim replied, hoping he’d managed to avoid her teeth. 

“Non, of course I am not. Paris is too sunny for that. I just have a biting kink. Are you really kink shaming me, Timothy? How rude.”

”Kink shaming is my kink, Marinette!”

“Well, if there’s somebody out there who will not kink shame me, hit me up on the bird app. Send me a sup, or something.”

“Do not do that, anyone. She is getting enabled enough as it is.”

“Your fault~” 

“Pretty sure it’s Jason’s?”

Mari beamed at that, nodding her head frantically. Not that anyone but Tim, who was trying really hard not to laugh by now, could see it.

“Oui, oui, maybe. But Jason’s my favourite because of it! When he’s back, he promised to teach me how to shoot. Now that’s things you should be doing with me, Timmy Turner! The more danger, the more funsies to have!”

“Aaand with that, I think we should end this episode. Because Mari’s violent side is coming up and I am not gonna get our podcast banned. Bye everyone!”

Nothing but static, for a few moments. Enough that you almost wanted to turn the podcast app off and go about your day. But a secret, small message was hidden at the end, edited in by none other than Marinette. Simply saying that Lila is a bitch. And Paris sucks. And please, everyone, stop asking about it. 

Later that night, Marinette could not help letting out a bout of laughter when her Twitter blew up, once again. Opening the app, she saw that ‘The one Wayne to rule them all’ was now following her. Along with a message that he had mentioned her in a tweet - his only tweet apparently. All it said was ‘sup’.

But it was enough. Damian Wayne had found her. And had a sense of humour to him. 

Giggling, she moved to her DM’s and shot him a message in return. This was going to be fun .

Chapter Text

“Good morning to our guys, gals and nonbinary hero’s. To my own surprise, we have two days in a row of shitty traffic!” Marinette’s tired, yet somewhat chipper, voice called out.

“This time, it is no rogue. Just plain, old, boring traffic jams.” Tim sighed out from his side of the car. The coffee in his hand was nearly finished already, due to them waiting for so long. Hell, he had even turned the car off completely. Eco friendly and all.

“How many people even need to go into Gotham right now? And at this time in the morning?” He continued, then looked over at the French woman, who appeared to be singing to herself. “Mari, are you singing Sway?”

Mari slowly looked up from her phone, glancing towards her friend, and raised one of her eyebrows. “What else would I be doing?” She then asked, with a hint of amusement. “You know me and my jukebox of a mind. Always a song happening up here. Got a comment about it, hm?”

“Well for one, we’re literally recording an episode. Two, you need to stop watching Catdora TikTok’s at night.”

“Tim, I love you, you are my bestest of friends. But don’t you fucking dare come between me and my disaster lesbian edits, or cosplays.” Mari grumbled, shooting him a glare. And moving her phone to the side, just in case. Because it kept flashing with notifications, and she did not want him to butt in. “Catdora is love, and Catdora is life. Also I was not watching edits all night, thank you very much.”

“Uh huh, and that’ll be why you’re so bright and awake this morning.”

“And that’s coming from mister has-to-be-knocked-out-to-sleep? Hah.”

“Touché.”

Marinette glanced at her friend once more, and turned her phone around. After a simple stretch for her stiff joints, she slightly turned to face him and engage in further conversations. It was for their little podcast after all. And it was fun for her to work on this and banter. So she had to give it her all.

“I’ve just been up most of the night texting. And then I went into a Twitter black hole. And then I found out people know more about Paris than I’d like. And then I had a small breakdown. Oh! I also started drinking coffee at four in the morning. So apologies that I’m not at my best, I’ll do better. Until we’re at work that is, then I’m gonna crash probably. Sucks for mister Wayne, but then again stop making me work so early and we won’t have this problem!”

“Texting people from Paris? God I hope it’s not that Lila person…”

“Non, non. You know I’m very non-contact with anyone who calls that city home.”

“RIP to your parents, I guess. Nah, I’m just kidding. But ooh…do you wanna say who or is it a secret?”

“Tim, you also know me and my parents aren’t on the best of footing most of the time.” Mari hummed out, giving him a little pout. “Jay’s back in the city soon, by the way. We’re meeting up as soon as he’s back. And since everyone’s talking about the lil mouse that’s now out of the bag, I don’t even have to guess what he’ll ask. So I’m just gonna throw out on the air that I will talk about this on here. And only here. Cause the people still here now are like, my parasocial friends. Love you guys! You get the only talk of my time as multimouse, yay!”

Tim shot her a glance, and then a slight wink. “Sounds like one of these episodes we should have a little Q and A. So, listeners, do kindly send us any questions you have about Mari’s time as an apparent superhero. And we’ll get to them. Or not. All depends on our mood really, you know what you’re signing up for.”

“Just going to give a disclaimer right now about what not to ask. Don’t ask me about identities. I do not know them. Do not harass my family or friends because of this either. I chose to do this, and none of them had any clue. If you have any questions, you either go to me with them or you keep your damn mouths shut. Also for fucks sake, do not ship me with my teammates. That’s weird yall. I’m not Catra, I’m a real person, m’kay?”

“Same with me! I’ve seen the fanfics!”

“Oh, duh! Me and Tim aren’t in a relationship, you sillies. Have you not seen him on the cover of that magazine recently?” Marinette grinned, giving Tim a stuck out tongue while she was at it. Knowing just how much he disliked the Gotham Gazette. “You and Bernard could verbally teach me a thing or two about how to make out!”

Tim rolled his eyes at her. “Shush. Besides, that magazine cover wasn’t as fun as you think. If someone asks me to look intimidating but sexy and approachable again, I’m going to punch a hole in this car.”

“Oh Timmy Turner, why are you even hoping for me to shush? Just know I bought many, many copies, and I will throw them at you when you least expect them.”

Marinette laughed as Tim shot her a full on glare. She knew he wouldn’t do anything to hurt her, that it was all just playful. Even if it was a full on Bat-Glare. Not that their listeners would ever know as much.

“If you throw them at me, I will go buy a flamethrower.”

“Jokes on you, I will steal it and I will be using it. With Jay. You sure you wanna set us loose with something like a flamethrower?”

“Reminder that I have Alfred on speed dial.”

“Poor Alfred should not have to deal with your shenanigans.” Mari hummed, shaking her head slightly in disappointment. “Too bad for you, I am not family. So he cannot deal with me. Ha!”

“Mari, you’re practically his child at this point too. He’s the purest of all of us. You really think he’d make you pancakes and then not be prepared to discipline you?”

“I feel sorry for him and his remaining energy to live. Did you not warn him about my brand of chaos at all? I have warned literally anyone I talk to. Multiple times. How any of you Wayne boy’s still talk to me is a miracle.”

“You make it up to us with the baking.”

A dramatic gasp could be heard, as Marinette put her hand over her heart and stared her friend down. “Is that all I am to you? Baked goods?”

Tim looked back at her. “You’re a fabulous actress. Also you know that you’re not.”

“You’re the one who said you only deal with my chaos because of my food, Timmy.”

“You’ve had your croissants. Wouldn’t you?”

“Mm. Fair.” Mari puffed out, clearly a little deflated though. “Let’s talk about something else now.”

“For the listeners at home by the way, I’m being facetious. Of course that’s not all she is to me.” He saw her face fall a bit and felt a pang of guilt. Eech.

“Oh!” Mari suddenly exclaimed, after a few seconds of looking at her phone instead of at Tim. Another notification. “Have I mentioned yet that I have had multiple people send me a ‘sup’ message after last time? So jokes on you, Timbo, people love me and my kinks!”

“Well now I know what the questions are going to be about for next time.”

“Give me other questions than that, people! I have more depth than that.”

“Girl, I will be moderating the fuck out of them. I’m not having this podcast just be about your kinks. Also I’m ignoring that you just called Timbo.”

And with that, the episode came to an abrupt ending. The last thing anyone would hear was Marinette’s absolute breakdown of laughter.
And a note at the end, from Tim this time. Asking their listeners to be kind, and apologising that today’s episode was a train wreck they could not save. Next time might be better, no promises!

Chapter Text

“Good morning to our guys, gals and nonbinary pals.” Came Tim’s voice this morning. A bit of a surprise, given that usually Marinette would be the one to open the show. “Today on Tim and Mari are barely functioning, we have a change in schedule. I am picking up my brother, the one and only demon spawn - the ice prince of Gotham himself. After that, we will be picking up Marinette. I think most of you have noticed by now they’ve been… Chatting. And while I don’t like it, I’ve lost a bet and now have to put them in the same room. Or a car, in this case. This will be their first time meeting, so I’m hoping to get some chaos going with this that I can use for this podcast. I may or may not also turn on the camera that I have in the car, convince me to post what’s happening, I dare you. And wish me luck.”

And he would need that help.

“So as I was saying earlier, welcome to the podcast this fine morning, fam.” Tim said, a mischievous look in his eye that the only other passenger could see.

“Damian, feel free to say hi too.” A pause. “Or not. Anyway, we’re just waiting on Mari to stumble her way to the car now, as she does every morning. Honestly, she does not know how to walk straight at all.”

Damian grunted in reply and chuckled at that remark. He did not have time to reply at all though, as Marinette came barreling into the passenger seat of the car.

“Sorry I’m late, Tim!” She gasped out, trying to not drop her scalding hot coffee onto his lap. “I thought I was ready in time, but then I realised I forgot to grab the shirt I fixed for you. And then I almost dropped the pain au chocolats! An- Oh! Wait, who are you?”

The audience could hear Mari stop abruptly, and the soft chuckles coming from Tim as he took over her box of pastries. Just to make sure they stayed safe, of course. Not to eat the first one while it was still hot, surely.

“Sup.” Damian said in response to Mari, hoping she’d pick up on who he was.

Marinette’s eyes widened ever so slightly, but then her face broke out into a big smile. One of her sunshine smiles, that is to say. After carefully manoeuvring herself into the seat belt, with a grace that she did not display mere seconds before, she twisted around and stuck out her hand to him to shake.

Damian shook her hand and shot her a grin back. He’d listened to enough of her stuff on this podcast to know the raw chaos she held within and looked forward to experiencing it firsthand.

“Sup, I’m Mari.” She said as casually as she could. Which honestly, was a lousy attempt at seeming normal. “I’d say good to finally see you, but knowing Timbo he’s got shit planned and I am too tired to deal with any of this.”

“Hey!” Tim huffed from beside her, eyeing the two of them suspiciously. “I’m being nice as fuck here. I keep picking you up for work, don’t I? Just had to bring the spawn along with me today on dad’s orders.”

“Ah, so I have another reason to dislike the ol’ Wayne?” Mari hummed, slowly releasing her hand from Damian’s grip and sitting back into her seat. “Sounds ideal to me, let’s go, nitwit.”

“Yeah, Tim-Tam. Better not make the lady late for work. You know Bruce would hate that.”

Tim sighed, glancing at the small camera for a moment in an exasperated type of way. But he did start up the car, and with that, the episode.

“So I already did a little intro for the pod, to explain why spawn is here as well. Meaning we can just continue as usual, Mari. Though.” And his smile turned a little mischievous. “You promised our listeners to do that Q&A. Spawn’s got the questions all written down, and checked by me, next to him. Would you do the honours, brat?”

“Alright, keep your hair on, Timothy. Our first question that didn’t immediately break the guidelines is from an anonymous user who wants to ask Marinette how she’d redesign the villain’s outfits if she could.”

Marinette let out a snort at that, and after a sip of her coffee, decided to answer. “Do you have a few hours, anonymous? Because I am a designer by trait. I will talk about this, and not stop, and probably design that for real and distribute it. I’ll do this as a mini-sode one day, promise. Next!”

Damian grinned at that and read out the next one. “MiraculousLlama asks what you prefer, French or American croissants?”

“That’s too easy. The French ones, of course. I tried the American ones before, they’re disgusting. So I make my own every time I crave some. Takes a while, and it’s not cost effective, but I’m one of those bitches that wants the best for herself, ya know?”

Tim snorted at that, all too familiar with Marinette’s rant about the ‘horrible American baked goods’. And her flair for dramatics. Although, she seemed to be holding herself in a little this morning? Interesting.

“Oh yeah, you’ve not had a croissant until you’ve had one from Mari or her parent’s bakery. To die for.”

“Well, I still need to try them, Timmy’s been holding out on me. And before he punches me or tries to, I’ll move on to the next question.”

“Make me an offer I can’t refuse, and you’ll get some.” Mari interjected quickly, shooting back a wink towards Damian before facing back to the front of the car. A few more sips of her coffee, much needed this early in the day, went down, as she waited for the promised question.

“We have another anonymous person who asks what you got up to with Jason?” Damian asked, trying to hide the faintest trace of a blush by ducking his head down to the cards.
Tim noticed though. He was not pleased.

“Oh! Jason’s taken me to the shooting range.” Mari replied easily, putting her coffee down and taking the bag of pastries from Tim. “And these are for all of us, Timmy. Hands off.”

The girl huffed, and grabbed one of them to pass to both the men in the car with her. Keeping her own in the box, in favour of answering the questions first.

“I’ve asked him a few times now to bring me ‘round, but he was busy with work and blah blah. Honestly I think he just didn’t want me near another dangerous object. Pourquoi? I know how to handle my shit, big girl and all.” She huffed, giving a slight roll of her eyes. “So we went there this weekend. And I got to put a picture of somebody I really hate on the target! Very fun, if I say so myself. Jason’s a fucker, though. Kept making short jokes. Not my fucking fault all of you are ridiculously tall! I got my mama’s genes. Don’t tell me you’re tall too, Damian, I swear to god.”

“How.. Mari. How do you not know anything about my family until I, or they, tell you? We’re famous..” Tim muttered, confused as always about this fact.

“And I have told you before,” Marinette hissed back, “that I don’t give a fuck about celebrities until I get to design for them. Plus, I was a bit too busy during my teens to focus on gossip and famous people.”

Damian meanwhile was momentarily confused as he looked himself over, realising that he too was tall as fuck. The eagle eyed viewers of the video would see the split second of a panic, before he schooled his features back into the usual mask of indifference. It was a fascinating new side of the ice prince of Gotham to witness.

“KansasBoi is asking what your favourite part of being a superhero was.” Damian said, glancing down at the next card in his hands. “And dares to ask who your favourite Robin is.”

Tim just about managed to stifle a laugh at how flustered the ice prince was for once and waited for an answer. He would have to thank Connor for sending in questions after this. This would provide ample blackmail in the future.

“Mm. I think it would be the freedom it gave me? My teens were.. Difficult. To say it simply. But as multimouse I felt like I really had a purpose you know? And people actually cared for me, even if they at first had no idea who I was. It didn’t hurt that I got full permission from Ladybug to fight dirty and fight hard. They were the true hero’s of Paris, of course, and had an example to set. I was just happy somebody realised I needed to blow some steam and gave me a direction to move into. Oh! And I do not have a favourite Robin at the moment, KansasBoi. To be fair, I do not know much about them. I did get saved by a few of the Bats once, that was pretty cool.”

“Wait, when did that happen?” Tim asked, in honest surprise. He could not remember a time where they had actively saved his friend.

"Oh wouldn't you like to know?" Marinette asked with a smirk. "As if I'm going to broadcast that for free. Next!"

Damian stifled a laugh/cough at the next rather lame question. “Marinette, do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? And is it Damian? Or that Jay? Asked by TheCatsMeow."

Marinette rolled her eyes at that and shook her head. "And that would be Adrien. No, Adri, I do not have a partner. Mind your fucking business and go suck my exes dick or something."

"Your what now, Mare?"

"He's dating my ex Luka." Marinette shrugged. "Totally mushy, those two, kinda gross. Given I've dated both I can't say too much shit, but eh. Adri likes to think I'm some lonely fuck? Which I'm not. I have plenty fun by myself or with friends."

“Exactly! Why is it that people assume that when you’re single that you gotta be miserable?” Damian replied, scoffing a bit.

"Yeah Tim-Tam, tell me why the fuck I'm miserable!"

"Because you probably have ptsd, Mare." Tim hummed, giving her a side glance. "I'm not gonna burn myself on that hot take, thanks. I got one more question for this ep, Spawn, read it out will ya."

"Marinette, will you step on me?"

A few seconds of absolute silence, as the viewers get a range of emotions on her face going from shock, to amusement, to horrified, to something they do not recognise yet.
Mari glances in the rear view mirror, to have a glance at the youngest Wayne.

In the calmest voice she has given so far, she asks but one question. "Is that you asking, or one of my fans?"

The video ends with a mortified Tim, laughing Marinette, and beet red Damian trying to hide in the background.

Chapter Text

“Fuckin’ morning our guys, gals and nonbinary heroes.” Mari’s voice called out at the start of the episode. “This episode of the pod is brought to you by my insomniatic ass, and by Tim, who’s somehow the lucid one of us. Tim. Why don’t you say hi, by voice only this time.”

A sigh could be heard. “Mare, I told you already, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the ep was recorded! But our fans! They demanded. How could I say no?”

“Bitch, I looked dead on my feet! How dare you!” Mari whined, a little pout on her face as she glanced at her friend in the car. “Do I need to keep reminding you that I am a designer? So I gotta look stylish and - and cute. And hot! Fuck you Tim, I did not look half as hot as I could! The sheer audacity of you and yours.”

“I don’t know, Mari…our fans seem to like you either with or without makeup. I’ve seen some…interesting comments on our shit that I really don’t want to see ever again.”

“Which ones? The ones asking for my price? Or the threesome ones? Oh, I saw this one person that asked if they could write some real raunchy fanfic and send it to me to beta. Of course I said yes, creative writing be the shit man.”

“You.. Did not..” Tim asked weakly, unbeknownst to the listeners knowing what was to come next. “Mari, for the love of all that’s holy.”

“You ain’t talking ‘bout holy in your fics either, mister.” Marinette teased, grinning now. Maybe bouncing a little bit in her chair. “Write me the smuttiest smut filth, you people. Fictional characters only. And I mean any fandom, I will read it. I am a trash goblin. And this whiney Tim-Tam next to me just doesn’t wanna admit that he would read it too. We’ve read some dark, dark fics together when we were sleep deprived.”

“All I’m saying is that trash goblin and fashion designer don’t often mix. But yeah, I have gone down some rabbit holes with you. You don’t wanna know how bad the Hetalia fandom gets.”

“One of my anime is ending soon. We’re going a lil crazy.” Mari answered, nodding. “But aside from this. Did we even say hi? Hi people on the internet!”

“She’s waving at the mics. She is actually waving at the mics.” Tim sighed, shaking his head as he turned the car to a left. “And we are definitely going to be on time to work for once. Huh.”

“Don’t jinx yourself there, Timmy. I wanna get this day over with and watch the recordings of my shows I missed last night.”

Tim raised his eyebrow at that. “Wait a second, you never miss those. What were you up to?”

“Oh! Jay set me up on a blind date weeks ago, so that was last night. I guess we vibed well enough?”

“Blind date? Who did it end up being with? Do I know them?”

“I mean, you might? His name’s Roy. Friend of Jay’s.”

A beat.

“Mari, you got to be kidding. Roy?!”

“Uhm? No? Why would I be kidding? And like I said, we vibed well enough. We exchanged numbers so that’s a definite step up from the last blind date he set me up with. That woman was gorgeous, I will admit, but we did not click in the slightest.”

“Gotta be careful though, if we gossip too much we might be giving Lila more stuff to write about you.”“Jay’s notoriously bad at dating. Why would you even go on dates that he sets up?”

“That ain’t nice to say, Tim-Tam. My dates could be listening to this ya know. They’re nice people. Anyways, since when do you care who I go on dates with?”

“You’re my friend and I think I have every right to hope you find someone that fits you. And Roy is not that someone.”

Mari shot her friend an incredulous look at that. “Bitch ass thing to say there. How can you know if he’s good for me or not, huh? You ain’t my mom, and it may be best to stop talking about this now.”

“I mean, I am a bitch, but yeah we should move on from there.”

“Mm, wise words at last. Anyway, have you found any good new bands lately? Because I have and I wanna share them.”

“You know, I’ve actually been relistening to a lot of stuff lately. I get so busy, and I find people recommend stuff to me and then I just have no time to listen to it. So that’s what I’ve been doing. What are your bands?”

“So I’m going a bit darker these days. I found this band called Ghost, they’re quite popular. Some of their songs were going viral on tiktok you see. Oh! And a few k-pop bands. Amazing, spectacular, in love.”

“I’m guessing the song about demons is what got you into them?”

“Oh no, it’s the going down on a woman that did it for me, obviously. But oui, I love me some demons. A good second choice there.” Mari said with a giggle, eyeing Tim for his reaction. “What about you?”

“Figured as much. I’m kinda basic when it comes to Ghost, I got into them because of their covers of songs. Wait, does that make me a basic bitch?”

“Oh honey. You were always a basic bitch..”

And with that, the end credits to the episode started rolling. In between said credits, Tim could be heard spluttering and disagreeing with his friend and current foe.

Twitter that night was a bit of a rampage. While a lot of the podcast fans were happy that Marinette was going out on dates, having fun, being her spunky self - there was a group that were quite ready to start shipping wars, some even sharing a few Ao3 links to fanfictions.

Mari, resident chaos goblin, was enjoying it. Tim, however, was not.

Mostly because he had to deal with a sulking Damian next to him at the dinner table.