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When we talk about love, Fyodor is certainly not a diplomat in this subject.
But now he found himself thrown into a dilemma, would he continue with his theater (not so fake) with Dazai, or would he simply go to him and give him a happy birthday kiss?
Dostoevsky was sitting a few tables away from where Osamu was, he was talking animatedly with his co-workers, he received many gifts and congratulations.
Even if for Dazai it was not such an incredible date because the meaning was simply another year of life (which made him almost intolerably melancholy in predates) now he really was smiling.
Fyodor was fighting his own feelings and impulses, he couldn't just get up, now it was night, and he hadn't had a miserable opportunity to be with Dazai alone, he wasn't sure if the guy had noticed his presence, he didn't think he had, because he was really focused on his friends this time.
Apparently it was the first time he spent his birthday with Atsushi, and the silver one was really appreciating that date, which was adorable, but it made Fyodor brood with rage, he wanted a moment alone with his boyfriend, but Atsushi made it up routes and various things to entertain Dazai, and Kyouka, Kyouka just popped in to give more suggestions, Dostoevsky was so bored. He'd been following the agency for hours, and he knew that obviously at least Ranpo had already figured it out (not something to worry about, because Ranpo is always aware of everything anyways) it was really frustrating.
The Russian laid his head on his palm and continued to watch from afar, a long sigh left his lips, for a moment he paid attention to his situation, and how he had been at the mercy of his feelings to the point of wasting an entire day, only trying to find a moment he could spend with Dazai, Dazai the same man it hasn't been too long since he tried to kill. It was really comical.
That ridiculous feeling that made him let the suicidal idiot write on the pages of life, and the same suicidal idiot who tried to kill him. Oh, how can he let himself love someone like that? He felt like moments of happiness when he was with Dazai, and in reality, wasn't that enough to fill a man's heart? It was ridiculous how he couldn't shut up when it was his heart that spoke inside him.
Looking vaguely at Dazai's face, he allows himself to remember, to remember the silly words that were said to the brown one one night, after all the mess. He didn't know there was a romantic side to being him.
Remembering what he said that night makes him very ashamed.
"I dream of you, every night, every week, every year, I am a dreamer who idealizes a perfect world, a world without skills, a world in which I have to destroy even myself, but I realize now that I have so little of real life, maybe I won't fulfill my ideals the way I want. And tomorrow, if you allow me, I want to come back here, this same time, if you don't come, it's okay, but I won't stop myself from dreaming about you Dazai. I will feel happy remembering you, from now on, my memories with you will be precious."
“Oh God, you're really corny Dostoevsky, I only knew your unempathetic side.” A loud laugh, a brush against the bridge bars and an amused look was all that brought Fyodor to his knees once and for all.
“I want to embarrass you,” he replied calmly, and with the answer on the tip of his tongue, Dazai leaned over the bars and laid his head to the side.
“Then go ahead."
"May your sky be clear, may your beautiful smile be luminous and serene, blessed be you for the moment of joy and happiness you bestowed on a lonely and grateful heart!" Approaching the brownish lightly, Dazai widened his eyes and began to laugh non-stop.
"God!" He had to get away from the bars and lower himself to the floor, resting his head on his legs, not stopping laughing for a single second, he gasped with difficulty trying to say something but then fell apart again. Fyodor was looking at him with an almost imperceptible smile on his lips.
"Dazai" He called him attentively, Osamu still laughing raised his head looking at Fyodor, gradually composing himself and having an affectionate smile on his face gradually setting "I don't understand the time away from you, that doesn't mean that I still don't want to kill you for ruining my plans, but still now I can't say I would do it so easily, but when I'm away from you, everything seems slow" Osamu lost his smile, he looked at the Russian seriously and he took a deep breath, got up and his arms went around Fyodor, he let out a surprised air but said nothing.
"You are weird."
"Look who's Talking."
“You know that telling me this now can make you vulnerable don't you?"
“I don't fear death or even pain, unlike you Dazai. I just hate the idea of losing.” His cold words ring Dazai's ears, making him shiver slightly and squeezing the Russian against his body.
"You seem to understand me in a strange way, you would understand if I just disappeared wouldn't you?" His calm voice blended in with the surroundings, it was cold, there was little wind, and the moonlight illuminated them, the carp in the river below being the only living representations besides those two.
"I know why you do it Osamu, I would go after you if I found out you wanted me around. And if you die, well, there's nothing I can do, death is one of the things I don't understand, and maybe that's why you call me unsympathetic."
"Are you going to keep telling me cheesy, pretty words like today?"
"I will go."
Fyodor decided to get up and leave the restaurant, there wasn't much to do there other than watch Dazai, and he had been doing that all day, it was really boring, and he really wanted to lie down. Walking outside, he proceeded to walk, passing through a park, he stopped for a moment, seeing the bridge on which he said such silly things to Dazai, walked there calmly and it was empty as usual, just koi.
He closed his eyes and felt the light breeze, took a deep breath and pressed the bag of chocolates in his hands, he could throw it all away, because he felt terribly silly and he hated being at someone's mercy, he hated that feeling, even though he wanted to kill Dazai and carry out his plan, he couldn't.
Fyodor sat on the wooden bridge, swinging his legs above the river of koi, soon he could hear slow footsteps, turned his head and smiled, it was Dazai.
“I saw you leaving,” he said calmly, sat down beside Fyodor and took the bag from the Russian's hands.
“So you really noticed I was around."
"Of course" He replied shortly, already opening the package of chocolates "I knew you would bring chocolates or something. And I wanted to give you good memories so thank you for all the smiles I gave you."
“I should have given you a birthday present."
"It doesn't matter" He waved his hand as a way of dismissing that subject "I want to hear your sentences now, I've waited all day. I like it when you say things like that, and this will be the best present, after this we can have sex or something."
"And where are your colleagues?" He asked ignoring his boyfriend's last sentence.
"I asked Ranpo to help me escape, but it doesn't matter now, come on, get started." He snuggled into Fyodor's arms like a teenager and blinked frantically, Dostoevsky laughed and nodded slightly.
"Happy birthday Osamu" He said initially, Dazai thanked in a thread of voice, gave a chaste kiss on the neck of Fyodor then turning all his attention to the couple's words "I fell in love many times in imagination, that when I was a foolish child, but I never even thought that I would really fall in love with someone. I would like to give this feeling to you, you could run away with it, but even if I give you everything, there is still the remnant of my feeling that will be with you and make me suffer. So love me."
"I love you," he whispered, Dostoevsky sighed heavily, then his lips brushed against Dazai's lightly, oh heavens, that felt so good.
Dazai had waited all day for this moment, when Fyodor would give him a piece of heaven, give him a feeling that only he knew how to give, the feeling that made him feel good, not even the Dazai had realized it was a birthday after so many years, a birthday he hadn't focused on the idea that he had once again failed to commit suicide. It was a birthday in which he focused on Fyodor, and thought of the words he would say to him when he had the opportunity, he felt anxious all day, maybe he wanted to cry, cry because he was so happy and anxious, it was his birthday after all.