Chapter Text
Tomura: Unfortunately, due to several experiences in my youth, I cannot just 'walk up and join a circle of people talking', but it does sound lovely, thank you.
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Dabi: Arson? Oh, you mean "crime brûlée".
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Tomura, about Endeavour: My expectations were low but holy fuck.
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*out grocery shopping*
Tomura: *takes a free sample twice*
Tomura: Robbery and Fraud. I am a Rebel.
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Tomura: You know, studies show that keeping a ladder in the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun.
Tomura: That's why I own TEN guns.
Tomura: Just in case some maniac tries to sneak in with a ladder.
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Obogiri: Don't joke about murder. I was murdered once and it offends me.
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Tomura: Fuck capitalism. It's a rigged system that keeps us poor and it isn't fair. You shouldn't need to work three jobs to afford basic necessities.
Tomura, playing Monopoly: Sorry, if you wanted to win you should have tried not being poor.
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Tomura: *Kicks the door open, looking panicked*
Obogiri: What did you do?!
Tomura: NOBODY DIED!
Obogiri: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!
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Kurogiri: Swear words are illegal now. If you say one you'll be fined.
Tomura: Heck.
Oboro: You're on thin fucking ice.
Oboro: Oh no-
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you can't tell me this didn't happen in cannon.
Tomura & Spinner:*Playing video games*
Compress: You guys woke up at 5:30 in the morning just to play games?
Tomura: *silence*
Spinner: *silence*
Compress, finally figuring it out: ...You two never went to sleep, did you?
Tomura & Spinner in shame: Yeah...
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Toga: You look like a corpse that was just pulled out of the river.
Compress: Wrong. I look like a cool rock star who just OD'd in their own pool. Big difference.
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Toga: I have an idea.
Magne: A good idea?
Toga: Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
---‐----
Sensei, holding in his smile: Hey, how do you ask a glass of water what it’s doing?
Tomura, sick of his shit: A glass of water is an inanimate object. Therefore, it's incapable of having a thought process or understanding basic human language.
Sensei:
Sensei: Water you doing?
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Dabi, trying to comfort Tomura: What's the problem? Anxiety? Low self-esteem? Obsessive thoughts of random arson? I've been there.
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Tomura, to Dabi: You know, Toga can be really aggressive, so it's important to take all the necessary precautions when approaching.
Tomura: *blows airhorn at Toga* GET FUCKED!
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Compress: The waiter at Olive Garden has been grating my cheese for 6 hours now, waiting for me to say when. Customers are screaming. Three people have died.
Compress: I will not yield.
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Toga: .. .----. -- / … --- .-. .-. -.-- (translation: I'M SORRY)
Compress: What's that?
Toga: Remorse code.
Compress: I'm even angrier now.
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Tomura: I feel awful about killing you.
Dabi:
Tomura: Even though technically you never even died, so I don’t know what you’re bitching about.
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This is just cannon but not cannon for my fic I just thought it was funny.
Jin: It’s funny how well you and Tomura get along. Didn’t they hate you at first?
Dabi: Tomura hates everybody at first. It’s their way of reaching out to people.
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Compress: Not gonna lie, I'm kind of afraid of Tomura...
Magne: As you should be.
Compress: No, for real, they're kind of-
Magne: As. You. Should. Be.
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Magne, in a high voice, holding Barbie: Hey, Ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!
Obogiri, in a deep voice, holding Ken: Nonsense, Barbie. You’re staying home and having my kids.
Toga: What the fuck are you guys doing?
Magne: Playing systemic oppression.
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Tomura: Magne, my old friend!
Magne: I think you tried to kill me at some point.
Tomura: That was obviously just my way of getting to know you and also an accident.
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Toga: I don't dab. I stab.
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*Obogiri and Tomura playing minecraft*
Obogiri: Oh no, oh no, oh no-
Tomura: What’s wrong?
Obogiri: I did a thing.
Tomura: You regret the thing you dID-
Obogiri: *screams*
Tomura: What the fuck did you do- *sees mass of aggravated Piglin* Damn it-
Obogiri: *screams again*
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Tomura: What’s the straightest thing you’ve ever done?
Magne: *sighs*
Magne: I killed a man.
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Tomura: It’s nice to be wanted, you know?
Tomura: "Not by the law!" They say well who the fuck else would want me?
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Obogiri: Trouble at 2 o'clock!
Tomura: *looks down at their watch*
Tomura: Now, how do you know that?
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Magne: Hi, could I ask how exactly does one accidentally set a lemon on fire??
Tomura: Microwave for 40 minutes. 😔
Obogiri: Why were you microwaving a lemon???
Tomura: I read boiling lemons helps cover up up bad smells (I wanted to cover up the scent of burnt oranges) but I didn't own any pots.
Dabi: Did you burn an orange too? How???
Tomura: Microwave for 40 minutes. 😔
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Spinner: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was changing their name to Tomura.
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Compress: Ah, Hello again. We really need to stop meeting like this.
Tomura: Maybe we would, if you would sTOP BREAKING INTO MY FUCKING HOUSE!!!
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Tomura: *gets set on fire and screams in agony*
Tomura: Nah, I’m just kidding. Fire does nothing to me.
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*Comments under an image of a really hot knife cutting bread*
Dabi: Imagine stabbing someone with this knife.
Magne: It would instantly cauterize the wound, so the person wouldn't bleed, so it's not very useful.
Tomura: if you want information it is
Jin: why would you STAB a person when you can have TOAST?
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Tomura: Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The X makes it sound cool.
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Tomura: Do you ever feel bugs on you when really there’s nothing there?
Jin: Those are the ghosts of the bugs you killed before.
Tomura, thinking about the family they killed:
Tomura: *sobs*
Obogiri: You fucking scared them, you idiot.
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Obogiri: You bought a taco?
Tomura: Yes.
Obogiri: From the same truck that hit Magne?!
Tomura, with a mouthful of taco: Well, me starving ain't gonna help her.
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Magne: I need life advice.
Tomura, sipping Gatorade and eating cookie dough: You came to the right person.
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Tomura: We can bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute.
Compress: No, that's not how you make cookies.
Dabi: FLOOR IT!!
Tomura: How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second?!?
Compress: yOU'RE GONNA BURN THE HOUSE DOWN-
Tomura: I'M GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE FUCKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES!
Jin: DO IT!
Compress: NO-
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Dabi: Hey, let’s mess with Compress, guys!
Jin: Hey, Compress, your momma so fat-
Compress: My mom committed multiple war crimes and is now locked in solitary confinement in a Bolivian prison.
Toga: Well, uh- your dad-
Compress: My father left when I was two to be captured and consequentially sacrificed by a group of feral ferrets.
Jin: The fuck-
Tomura: Well then...
Dabi: Stop, Tomura!
Tomura: Your grandparents so-
Compress: My grandmother floated into the sky like a balloon with too much helium when my grandfather spontaneously combusted.
Compress: You cannot best me, mortals.
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Tomura: *sneaking in through their window*
Sensei: *turning in their chair and flicking the light one* You want to tell me where you've been all night?
Tomura: I was with Obogiri?
Obogiri: *turning in their chair* Wanna try again?
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Sensei: Where are you going?
Tomura: Hell, eventually.
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Doc with a gun to Tomura's head: What happens if I pull this trigger? Heaven?
Tomura: Bold of you to assume I'll go to Heaven.
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Sensei: *on the phone* Just snap his kneecaps and he’ll talk, I’m at a parent teacher conference.
Sensei: Anyways, you said Tomura is enjoying finger painting! That's great.
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Hairdresser: How would you like your hair cut?
Tomura: Preferably with scissors, but a sword could be badass.
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Doc: If I may interject...
Tomura: Oh, awesome, Doc was eavesdropping.
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*Obogiri is casually searching around the room*
Sensei: Hey Obogiri, what’re you looking for?
Obogiri: My will to live.
*Tomura walks into the room*
Obogiri: Oh, there it is.
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Tomura: Stop setting things on fire because you're curious about what will happen. What will happen is fire.
Dabi: But what if something else happens just this one time.
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Doc: Why would you give a knife to Tomura?!
Obogiri, shrugging: Tomura felt unsafe.
Doc: Now I feel unsafe!
Obogiri: I’m sorry…
Obogiri: Would you like a knife?
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Obogiri: Remember! Curiosity killed the cat!
Sensei: Yes, but you forget that satisfaction brought it back. So yes, Tomura, go find out if that thing can catch fire!
Obogiri: You're a bad influence.
Sensei: And you don't know your sayings.
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Sensei: I apologize for saying 'fuck' in front of Tomura.
Obogiri: You just said it again.
Tomura:
Sensei: I am not a role model.
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Doc: If I punch myself and it hurts, am I weak or strong?
Sensei: Strong.
Obogiri: Weak.
Tomura: An idiot, is what your are.
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Sensei: Tomura just said "I have an appetite for destruction" and then they reached down and untied my shoe.
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Tomura: Just be careful, Sensei!
Sensei: *heading out the door* I'm always careful, Tomura!
Sensei: It's everything around me that's careless.
.......
Tomura, when Sensei comes back with his head smashed in: this bitch...
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Compress: The moon looks beautiful, doesn’t it?
Sensei, looking at Compress: Yeah… but do you know what’s more beautiful?
Compress and Sensei in unison: *sighs* Obogiri
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Obogiri: Why did you guys dress up as each other for Halloween?
Doc: A vengeful Tomura is the scariest thing I could think of!
Tomura: Doc told me I should pick the dumbest costume possible.
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Obogiri: Why are you like this??
Sensei: I used too much "No More Tears" shampoo as a kid and I haven't felt a single emotion since.
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Tomura: Sensei, fuck off.
Tomura: And by "fuck off" I mean "fuck off right back here and listen", you insufferable prick.
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Tomura: I just learned a way to get stuff on the cheap. Steal it!
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Sensei: We all have our demons.
Sensei, grabbing Tomura: This one’s mine.
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Sensei: What time is it?
Tomura: I don’t know, pass me that saxaphone and we’ll find out
Tomura: *BLASTS the saxaphone*
Doc: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXAPHONE AT TWO IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Tomura: It’s 2 am
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Doc: N... No!
Tomura: A fair rebuttal. However, consider this counterpoint: Y... Yes???
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Doc: Why are there little handprints all over the walls?
Obogiri, whispering: Why are there little handprints all over the walls?
Tomura, whispering: Because I have little hands.
Obogiri: Because they have little hands.
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Sensei: Damn, the power went out.
Tomura: Don’t worry, I got this.
Tomura: *stomps foot*
Sensei: What-?
Tomura: *Sketchers light up*
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Sensei: I'm allergic to death.
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Tomura: The results are in, I’m afraid you have updog…
Sensei: What’s updog?
Tomura: Giri! Get in here, I told you I could do it!
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Obogiri: Do you take constructive criticism?
Tomura: No, only cash or credit.
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*Tomura rushes by with an armful of water bottles*
Doc: What's going on?
Obogiri: Tomura wouldn't drink water.
Doc: ...And?
Obogiri: And I asked them how fast they could chug an entire bottle.
Tomura, loudly: 16 OUNCES IN TEN SECONDS, BITCHES!
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Tomura: Question. When they shot Bambi's mother, did you find that a sad moment...at all?
Sensei: I'm sure she's mounted on a nice wall in a fine home somewhere.
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Tomura: You're alive.
Doc: There's no need to sound so disappointed.
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Tomura: Why would you think any of this was a good idea?!
Sensei: Probably because I’m a dangerous sociopath with a long line of violence.
Tomura: Oh...
Obogiri, from across the room: *from across the room* I don’t understand how you keep forgetting that.
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Obogiri: Alright, listen up you little shits.
Obogiri: Not you Tomura. You’re an angel and we’re thrilled you’re here.
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Sensei: I would do anything for money.
*later*
Sensei, covered in blood: THE STATEMENT STILL STANDS!
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Sensei: The ritual. To preform it requires a sacrifice.
Doc: Sacrifice? I nominate Tomura.
Tomura: Wait, what?
Doc: Because you're little, you'll fit on a barbecue.
Tomura: I'm 5'9, it's like average height in most of the world!
Sensei: Its not that kind of of sacrifice guys!
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Tomura, about Endeavour's agency: ...I'm pretty sure that place is fire-proof, or something.
Dabi, grenade in hand: Alright, but is it explosion-proof?
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Sensei, writing in his diary with a glitter gel pen that Tomura got him as a joke: I'm losing my sense of humanity. Nothing matters. God is dead. There's blood on my hands.
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Sensei: How are we supposed to put a tracker the size of a penny on Tomura without them noticing?
Obogiri: Hey, Tomura, I bet you 5 bucks that you can't swallow this penny.
Tomura: *takes and swallows tracker* Pay up, loser.
Sensei: ...
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Obogiri: Tomura is a perfect cinnamon scone who’s never done anything wrong in their entire life!
Doc: Never done anything wrong?! They blackmailed the number 2 hero!
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Doc: Blue M&Ms are the best.
Tomura: whAT IS THIS SLANDER?
Doc: What about it? They are.
Tomura: I WILL NOT ALLOW SUCH LIES ON MY CHRISTIAN MINECRAFT SERVER!
Tomura: THE RED ONES ARE THE BEST!
Doc: YEAH? WELL YOUR MOM'S A HO!
Obogiri: They're all chocolate inside, the colors don't mean anything.
Sensei: I like the yellow ones.
Doc and Tomura: SHUT THE FUCK YOUR MOUTH!
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Obogiri: Someone care to explain why we have 6 dogs in our apartment?
Tomura: They're golden retrievers, dude. They retrieve gold. I did this for us.
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Sensei: You have to apologize to Tomura!
Doc: Fine!
Doc: Unfuck you, or whatever!
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Aizawa: Whats do you have there?
Tomura: *petting Mon, the Nomu* A smoothie.
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Sensei: I feel so burnt out.
Tomura: Don’t worry, it'll be over soon.
Sensei: Are you gonna... assassinate me?
Tomura: Well not if you’re expecting it.
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Obogiri: Ducks are better than rabbits.
Sensei: What? Rabbits are adorable. Have you ever been in a fight with a duck? Ducks are jerks.
Tomura: Duck is delicious! Rabbit is all gamey.
Sensei: We’re not talking about flavour, Tomura!
Tomura: Flavour counts!
Sensei: Who carries around a duck’s foot for good luck? Anyone?
Doc: You wrap yourself in a comforter stuffed with rabbit hair. I’ll wrap myself in a comforter stuffed with duck feathers! Who’s cozier?
Sensei: Okay, but-
Doc: NO, NO, NO, NO. WHO’S COZIER?
Tomura: Then why don’t we take a rabbit, a duck, stick ‘em in a cardboard box and let them fight it out!
Sensei: BECAUSE IT’S ILLEGAL, TOMURA!
Tomura: ONLY IF WE BET ON IT, SENSEI!
Obogiri: I- Jesus-
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Sensei: Guys where did Tomura go?
Obogiri: They got arrested.
Sensei: How the hell-
Tomura: *bursts in through the window* The cops are after me, I thought it would be fun to steal crackers and throw them at people.
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Tomura: Obogiri, get that hidious thing out of the living room, would you?
Obogiri: Doc, Tomura wants you to get out of the house.
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Sensei: I’m so happy two of my favorite people are getting along now.
Obogiri: Uh, Tomura and Doc are not getting along.
Sensei: They’re not trying to kill each other.
Obogiri: You may have a point.
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Sensei: Come on, Obogiri! How any times do I have to apologize?
Obogiri, about the Sushi Jr: Once!
Sensei: ...No.
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Obogiri & Tomura: *accidentally set the kitchen on fire*
Obogiri: We need an adult!
Tomura: Obogiri, you are an adult!
Obogiri: We need an adultier adult! Get Sensei!
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Obogiri: Tomura, I am questioning your sanity...
Sensei: I never questioned it, I knew their sanity was missing from the start.
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Tomura & Obogiri in the back of Sensei's car: MCDONALDS! MCDONALDS! MCDONALDS!
Doc: We have food at home.
Sensei: *pulls into the McDonald's drivethrough*
Tomura & Obogiri: YAYYYYYY!
Sensei: *orders one black coffee and leaves*
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Obogiri: You are irrationally angry 365 days a year.
Doc: Well, that’s just your personal opinion, I don’t have anger issues. Do you guys think I have anger issues?
Tomura: Well, I wouldn’t really call it an issue. An issue is something you can fix.
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Doc, pointing to the wall: What color is this?
Obogiri: Gray.
Sensei: Grey.
Doc, turning to Tomura: Now tell them what color you think it is.
Tomura: Dark white.
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Obogiri, spraying a melted cutting board with a tiny water gun: We gotta cool this bitch down. Cool it down.
Doc: I actually just put the cutting board in the oven...
Tomura, visibly confused: Okay, so they decided to put the cutting board in the oven?
Obogiri, spraying Doc: You FUCKING DUMBASS!
Doc: Dude, I forgot-
Obogiri: OH MY FUCKING GOD! We're trying to make Chicken Alfredo right now, and you fucking MELT the cutting board in the oven at 400 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT!?
Sensei: *Watching in complete confusion while trying to process this whole situation.*
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Tomura: *tapping fingers on table*
Doc: *taps fingers back furiously*
Sensei: …What’s going on?
Obogiri: Morse code. They’re talking.
Tomura: .- -... -.-. -.. . ..-. ..- / .- -. -.. / -.-- --- ..- .-. / -- --- -- / .- -. -.. / -.-- --- ..- .-. / ... .. ... - . .-. / .- -. -.. / -.-- --- ..- .-. / .--- --- -... / .- -. -.. / -.-- --- ..- .-. / -... .-. --- -.- . / .- ... ... / -.-. .- .-. / .- -. -.. / - .... .- - / ... .... .. - / -.-- --- ..- / -.-. .- .-.. .-.. / .- .-. - / ..-. ..- -.-. -.- / -.-- --- ..- / .- -. -.. / -.-- --- ..- .-. / ..-. .-. .. . -. -.. ... / .-- .... --- / .. .----. .-.. .-.. / -. . ...- . .-. / ... . . / .- --. .- .. -. / . ...- . .-. -.-- -... --- -.. -.-- / -... ..- - / -.-- --- ..- .-. / -. --- -- ..- ... / - .... . -.-- / -.-. .- -. / .- .-.. .-.. / ..-. ..- -.-. -.- / --- ..-. ..-.
Doc: *slams hands on table* YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
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Sensei: Why is Tomura crying on the floor?
Obogiri: They took one of those 'what person are you?' quizzes.
Sensei: And?
Obogiri: They got Doc.
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Doc: We need a way to lure in new customers?
Obogiri: Maybe we could have some fun, interactive events!
Tomura: Sensei bath water.
Sensei: ABSOLUTELY NOT!
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Doc, teaching Sensei to drive: Okay, you're driving and Tomura and Obogiri walk into the road. Quick, what do you hit?
Sensei: Oh, definitely Obogiri. I could never hurt Tomura.
Doc, massaging their temples: The brakes. You hit the brakes.
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Doc: Made you all playlists!
Doc: Tomura, yours has only heavy metal, and is dark like your soul.
Doc: Obogiri, yours has sad songs and blues to pair with your crippling depression.
Doc: And Sensei has the ABBA Gold album.
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After hearing Tomura origin story
Obogiri: Why did you kidnap Tomura!?!?!
Sensei, attempting to reason this in a way that is not bad: Ah- um- well- the reason for that is, uhh...
Doc: Sometimes, we must work together towards a common goal.
Obogiri: NOT TO KIDNAP A TRAUMATISED CHILD TO RAISE AS YOUR SUCCESSOR!
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Tomura, Doc & Obogiri: *screaming*
Sensei: *runs into the room* What's wrong, Obogiri?!
Tomura: Wait, why are you asking Obogiri that when Doc and I are also here?
Sensei: Because Obogiri wouldn't scream unless it's an emergency. You two scream whenever you have the chance.
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Sensei: Hey guys I just found a new song I really like-
Doc: Is it about death?
Sensei: No.
Tomura: Is it about drugs?
Obogiri: Is it about sex?
Sensei: NO- it's about happiness and peace and-
Doc, Tomura, and Obogiri:
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Obogiri: You know you can die from that, right?
Sensei: *smoking a cigarette* That’s the point.
Doc: *drinking alcohol* We’re trying to speed this up.
Tomura: *Eating raw cookie dough and nodding*
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Tomura: So, are they your friend or...
Sensei: They’re like Doc, but if Doc was ordered to be around you.
Tomura: Oh, so Obogiri.
Sensei: Precisely!
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Tomura: Could you guys at least try to see this from my perspective?
Doc: *crouches down*
Obogiri: *kneels down*
Sensei: *sits on the floor*
Tomura:
Tomura: I hate all of you.
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Sensei: So Tomura was just using me?
Obogiri: I’m sorry, Sensei.
Doc, trying to contain their amusement: You must feel pretty stupid right now.
Sensei:
Obogiri: Ok, that’s a time-out.
Doc: No, I was just trying to-
Obogiri: Go sit over there!
Doc: *walks away in defeat*