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It is when Felix falls on her ass after joining everyone cheering for some dude who is downing ten shot glasses for a challenge, that she acknowledges she is drunk and she needs to go back to her dorm. Really though, the fall was pretty hard. It has her fighting tears while fellow college students help her up, asking if she is okay.
Haha, is she okay? Am I okay? She takes a few seconds to think—her eyes shut tightly and pressing her forefingers to her temples, like she’s attempting telepathy. When her eyelashes flutter open, she shocks the people surrounding her once more.
“I love my best friend,” she answers. You know, like a lovesick wimp. “And I’m here getting wasted because I know she doesn’t love me back.” Felix hasn’t started bawling yet, which surprises her. Does she only get to cry properly when she’s sober or what? “She’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, guys. Her name is Chan. It’s cool that I was already in love with her before I, like, knew I was. But it sucks because I was the last to know my own feelings.”
Before she can give everyone a good storytelling session about how she met the love of her life, someone from the crowd reaches out to her and pulls her out of it. Felix only registers the weak grip on her arm once she’s at the frat house’s balcony, somewhere she can see the moon clearly.
The moon, she muses. Everything reminds Felix of her—
“Thank fuck, I thought you left me!” She is pulled back to reality by Hyunjin’s whiny voice, turning to her with wide eyes. “Before I start moping, why were you with those frat dudes?”
“Huh?” Felix frowns, tucking a few bleached strands behind her ear. “Of course I’d be with some of them, Hyunie, we’re in a frat house.”
A moment of silence is given to let it sink in. “Oh,” Hyunjin murmurs dumbly. She starts sinking to the floor afterwards, leaning her back against the railing and staring into space. Felix doesn’t remember her looking that sad when they entered the house and started partying; Hyunjin even agreed to come with her in the first place because of some other girl supposed to be here.
Felix can’t remember her name, and she isn’t feeling like thinking hard right now, so she sits next to her. “Hey, why so down?” She asks, placing her hand over Hyunjin’s.
Hyunjin’s head is downcast so Felix can’t see her face, but she can hear her sobs, and she’s sobbing so loudly it’s sobering her up. She watches her shoulders tremble as she tries to answer her question properly, gasping shakily between words.
“W-What does it mean when the person you like kisses you first and,” Hyunjin tries wiping away her tears with her other hand, “and when you kiss back, she looks at you like she made a mistake. Like—like she imagined kissing someone else while kissing me.” She looks up from her lap, turning to Felix with black teardrops sliding down her cheeks. “What does that mean?”
“Hyunjin…” Felix can only say her name, because she doesn’t know what else to say. Looking at her right now feels like looking into the future wherein she confesses to her best friend, and it makes her heart sink. “I’m so sorry to hear that.” She proceeds to hug Hyunjin, letting her cry on her shoulder.
“Felix,” she cries close to her ear. “Why did Seungmin even kiss me if she’d only give me that look?”
She hugs Hyunjin tighter, circling her arms around her shoulders and sighing against her jet black locks. “We’ll probably find out once I see her after this,” Felix answers softly, despite what she’s implying through her words.
Usually, Hyunjin would tell her to not be aggressive while weakly hitting her arm, but not this time. Felix feels her hold the hem of the cropped shirt she’s wearing right now, only sobbing more.
Staying here until they’re okay enough to walk back to their respective dorms isn’t the best option; Hyunjin wouldn’t appreciate someone coming to the balcony when she’s so vulnerable, so Felix has to gently urge her to get out of the frat house. But her legs still feel wobbly from all the alcohol even if her mind’s cleared completely.
Felix curses herself for not thinking this night through, for focusing too much on a heartbreak that’s yet to happen and wanting to drink it away. Love and pining truly stupefies people, she thinks as she turns to the half-open balcony door.
As much as she doesn’t want her best friend to see them like this, Felix hopes her ‘Lixie senses’ do its magic and make her show up so they can—
From inside, a door slowly opens. “Could she be here? Felix?” A familiar voice talks to herself. What the fuck? Felix’s already big eyes get bigger. Did she just think of her hard enough to show up when she needed her?
“Oh? The balcony door is open.” The voice says, and in two heartbeats, Felix sees her peeking through the door, her faded blue curls shining from the moon’s glow. Their eyes meet and for a second, she forgets Hyunjin crying in her embrace and gets lost in her.
Her best friend, the love of her life, her future heartbreak.
“Oh my god, are you two okay?” Chan quickly walks over to them and breaks eye contact, crouching down to their level, comforting Hyunjin by patting her head. “Who, what—who made her cry this hard?”
Felix tells her to not really talk about it right now with a look. “Let’s take her back first.”
Chan nods in full understanding, then gives her a small smile. Felix does the same, ignoring the slight ache in her chest.
*
“Seungmin? Like, Kim Seungmin?”
“Yeah, her.”
They have already walked Hyunjin back to her dorm room, all thanks to Chan who kept the both of them steady. Now they are walking out of her dorm building, but they aren’t in a rush this time. The breeze is cold but the shots Felix downed at the party are doing its job keeping her warm.
Still, Chan took off her jacket and made Felix wear it.
“Didn’t expect that kind of move from her, to be honest.” Chan says, looking down on her sneakers. “She looked kind from the few times I interacted with her, but…she also didn’t talk much.”
“Eh. She’s still on thin ice because this isn’t the first time she led Hyunjin on and gave her mixed signals.” When they are by the building’s entrance, Chan reaches out for her hand. Naturally, Felix lets their fingers fill each other’s gaps. “She’s dead the moment I see her.”
Chan looks at her, a brow raised. “Lix, you could just talk to her.”
Felix rolls her eyes. “Of course, I’ll do that first. But if that Seungmin tries to run away from me, that’s when I’ll—,”
They stop walking, which is bad because Felix still thinks she’ll fall if she stands for more than five seconds. Thank the heavens Chan faces her and knows how she is when drunk, her free arm circling her waist, holding her up like that. On the other hand, this is bad for her heart, fucking hell.
“Calm down. Let’s give Seungmin the benefit of the doubt first.”
Suddenly, all that aggressiveness coursing through her goes down the drain. Chan and her disarming smile does wonders in helping her think straight. “Fine,” Felix huffs, walking past her and pulling her along as she does so, their hands still intertwined.
This isn’t the first time they’ve walked through uni grounds in the middle of the night, but Felix’s heart still soars just the same during these moments. Being with Chan is already amazing as it is, but being with her beneath the night sky and when there aren’t people around? It’s something straight out of the dramas Hyunjin gets invested in.
But Felix can’t shake off the feeling that something feels different. Like something deep in her consciousness is telling her that something crazy is about to happen in the next few minutes. She could blame it on her tipsiness, really, but she’s halfway sober now.
And yeah, something crazy is definitely happening any moment now, because they’re walking past Felix’s dorm building. She doesn’t find herself minding it, happy to just walk around with Chan until she has full control over her legs again.
“How did you manage to find us at the party?” Felix asks, her voice so soft. “Actually, let me rephrase. If you found us at the party, where were you at the frat house?”
“We left as soon as I arrived,” Chan responds with her airy laugh. “I only passed by because I came from hanging out with alumni friends outside of uni, and Jisung was in charge of the party’s music. She was using my equipment, so I checked on her.”
“Checked on her, or your equipment?” Felix cuts in with a question, her tone playful.
Chan plays along, humming to act like she’s in deep thought. “I had to check both. In case she accidentally destroys one of my things with how clumsy she can be.” Even if it’s clear she’s joking around, there’s pure adoration laced in her voice, and Felix is reminded of one of the best things about Chan: how she speaks of people she cares about with so much love.
At the back of her mind, Felix wonders how adoring Chan sounds when she speaks of her with others. “Well, the music was still good when we left, so you don’t have to worry.” She utters, her eyes sparkling as Chan grins.
“While checking on her, I found out through Jisungie that you and Hyunjin were there too.” Chan’s smile is heard in her voice. “And I heard a lot of things too.” She adds, her tone vague.
“What kind of things?”
Chan suppresses her laughter but fails. The stupid shit Felix said and did at the party now feel like distant memories even if it was just hours before, so she can’t initiate some guessing game. Instead, she gets quiet and waits for Chan to continue.
But her laughter dies down, and their footsteps halt again. Chan turns around to face her, her grin so wide that her eyes become crescents, that it makes her other dimple pop out. The sight gives Felix some courage to blurt out how much she loves her, no doubt amplified by the alcohol.
She isn’t given the chance to do that, though.
“You said you’re getting wasted at the frat house party because you know I don’t love you. Something along those lines.” Chan laughs, and—fuck it, the alcohol could no longer be blamed, she’s as sober as can be. It feels like a boulder just landed on her head; Felix thinks she’ll fall on her ass again. “That’s only what Jisung caught from the others there, so do you mind telling me what you exactly said?”
Oh shit.
Oh…shit. Felix actually declared her love for everyone but Chan to hear. Holy shit, she remembers it now. Fuck, she remembers the stunned looks directed at her. Oh my god.
Felix looks at Chan once again, ignores her delighted grin to focus on bracing herself for the heartbreak. She doesn't tell her the whole thing yet, unable to recall it word for word, but Chan looks expectant. Too hopeful.
Like deep down, she's bracing herself for heartbreak too. Or maybe she’s still not seeing things clearly.
“That’s all you have to know.” Felix answers, her voice small, rubbing her nape in embarrassment. Chan tilts her head, puzzled. “Because I was about to go on about how you’re the love of my life, but Hyunie took me away from those frat dudes listening before that could even happen.”
“Now that you heard of my feelings from someone else, I will run back to my dorm. Goodnight!” Felix chirps, wanting to cry when she feels her hand slip from Chan’s hold so easily. She runs away, and her legs cooperate with her racing brains for a bit.
She doesn’t get that far, falling to her knees upon a misstep. Felix doesn’t feel the tears coming at all, but her chest aches terribly. She looks back, seeing Chan catching up to her, helping her up as soon as they’re in each other’s space again.
Hold on. Felix rubs her thumb on Chan’s cheek. Is she crying?
“Felix Lee, for the love of God, don’t run away from me!” Chan whines, frowning hard. “Especially when you just told me you love me while dealing with weak knees. Jeez.”
“Chan, can you just reject me once the sun is up?”
“Why am I rejecting you?!” Chan sounds irritated, but Felix is way too distracted by how cute she looks crying while looking after her. “I’ll never forgive myself for rejecting you!”
Felix sighs fondly. “You don’t have to return my feelings, don’t force yourself.” She cups Chan’s cheeks with her hands, smiling for her even if she’s technically supposed to be in her shoes. “I’m already happy with this, with us—,”
She is silenced with the gentlest kiss she’s ever had in her life so far. Felix’s eyes widen at Chan's soft, plump lips pressing hers, so stunned that she isn’t able to kiss her back. She can only stare even as she pulls away and sniffles.
“You just kissed me.” Felix states the obvious dumbly. “Channie, you just kissed me.”
“If you still think I’m only doing this because I am turning you down, which I am not, I will kiss you again. I have had the biggest crush on you for so long.” Chan laughs wetly, leaning into Felix’s touch. “The reason why I never made you listen to the love songs I made was because they were all about you. I sing about you all the time.”
Her brain takes her back to when she barged into the makeshift studio in Chan’s dorm, hearing a catchy and pretty track of hers about making someone feel butterflies. Felix never got to hear the whole thing because Chan stopped playing it when she came in, and because she never asked her about it. Felix’s breath hitches, now that she knows that that’s one of the many love songs dedicated to her.
“I’m not getting rejected after all,” Felix murmurs to herself. “You like me. Chan likes me.”
“I love you.” Chan corrects, still crying. “You might not remember this because you’re drunk, so I’ll recount this whole thing when you wake up, with hangover soup and water.”
Felix aggressively shakes her head. Again, she is quite sober now; it’s her limbs that aren’t catching up. “I’ll remember everything. I’m not that drunk anymore. I’ll remember this, I promise.” Her eyes move downwards, and they sparkle as she unashamedly stares at her lips. “I’ll remember this.”
Before Chan can utter another word, Felix takes her breath away, pouring all of her love into their next kiss.