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It must be around 3 o’clock now, at least, Matteo thinks while he turns on his other side once again. He hasn’t slept a minute. Two more nights until the wedding. Not his wedding, he’s not going there yet. Or ever.
It’s Manuel’s wedding. Manuel, the man he got so close to just one year ago. The man with whom he shared so much. Too much. Too much for him to be casual about this wedding. They talked about it at the end of that glorious summer. A conversation full of what-ifs. What-ifs that would never be. Then they returned to their girlfriends. For a fleeting moment, they forgot all that had happened between them. At least until they met again.
But then Manuel had bought the ring. Asked the question. Set the date. Matteo still remembers the stabbing pain he felt in his heart. It was over. But it also wasn’t. Not when they met again. The days at Coverciano spent like two best friends. The nights at Coverciano spent as so much more.
But with every goodbye, he said goodbye to these moments. Knowing they won’t last. Knowing it’ll all end in just two days. Each time he sat with his pain. And he got used to it. Like a broken heart that got patched up and now he knew where the stitches went. It was going to be over. And that is how it is supposed to go. In the real world, there’s no way. No way for them.
Matteo opens his eyes again to the darkness of the room. In the dim light coming through the curtains, he could make out Vian’s silhouette next to him. She was sleeping peacefully. Not a worry in her world. On the other side, behind a wall, was Manuel. And Thessa of course. They shared this holiday home to relax before the big day. Although only Vian seemed relaxed these days.
He stared into the darkness for god knows how long. Then he heard a door open, footsteps in the hallway. It was Manuel. Matteo could recognize him by the sounds of his steps. Perhaps a little pathetic. He also knew Manuel often went to the bathroom at this hour of the night. He heard him go in and lock the door. Exactly when he expected to, he heard the toilet flush and the door unlock.
Matteo expected Manuel to walk back to his bedroom, waiting for the footsteps to pass by. They didn’t come. The creaking of the stair gave away where Manuel was heading instead. Matteo’s head perked up. Slow careful steps down the stairs. Into the kitchen. Out of Matteo’s hearing range.
He waits for a second, a minute, maybe more. Manuel doesn’t come back. Matteo carefully slips out of bed, out of the room. He silently makes his way down the stairs, into the kitchen. In the darkness, he makes out the unmistakable silhouette of Manuel, standing by the window. His messy curls glowing in the moonlight. Matteo says nothing and walks over. He puts his hand on Manuel’s shoulder.
“Manuel” he whispers.
Manuel swallows audibly.
“Matteo” he says as he turns around.
“Let’s go outside for a second” Matteo says.
He grabs Manuel’s hand and silently leads him to the front door. Manuel follows him, as always. He takes him to the garden, into the silence of the night. He finds a little bench, illuminated by the dying glow of a solar powered garden light. It’s enough to be able to look Manuel in the eyes.
He looks into those big brown eyes. They’re filled with sadness.
“Couldn’t sleep?” Matteo asks sheepishly.
Manuel shakes his head.
“Me neither” Matteo continues.
Manuel lowers his gaze. His lip starts to tremble. He hides his face in his hands and starts to sob silently.
Matteo immediately puts his arms around him, pulling him closer to his chest.
“Hey… Manu…” he whispers. Manuel only sobs louder. He wraps his arms around Matteo’s middle. His tears now staining Matteo’s shirt.
“It’s ok, it’s ok… sshh it’s ok” Matteo whispers into Manuel’s curls.
He starts rubbing soothing circles on Manuel’s back. Holding him close, letting him cry. His shirt absorbs the tears, his mind absorbs the pain.
When Manuel goes silent and his breathing stabilises, Matteo takes his face into his hands. He looks at him expectantly. One raise of his eyebrow is enough to get Manuel to talk.
“I don’t want to get married.”
“Yes you do.”
“Yes I do. But no I don’t.” Manuel’s voice breaks in the middle of his sentence.
“You love Thessa.”
“I love Thessa.”
Matteo stays silent, giving Manuel a second.
“But I love you more” Manuel sobs. His tears come flooding back, flowing over Matteo’s fingers that are still holding his face.
Matteo wipes the tears away gently.
“Oh, Manuel” he sighs.
“We can’t. We can’t. You know we can’t.” Matteo adds. He has to keep it together. For both of them.
“Can we really not?” Manuel’s voice trembles. His eyes find Matteo’s again. The look he gives him is pleading, begging, as if it’s all in Matteo’s hands.
Matteo shakes his head.
“We can’t. We’re living our football dream. We can’t throw that away. We can’t.”
Manuel nods.
“You found a woman you love. Now you’re going to marry her” Matteo concludes.
“I’m going to marry her” Manuel repeats.
Matteo grabs Manuel’s hands, holds them in his own. They sit in silent for a while. Both staring at their hands, fitting so perfectly together.
Another tear rolls down Manuel’s cheek.
“Teo…” he starts.
“If… If we could. Would you run away? Would you run away with me?” Manuel asks.
“Don’t ask me that, Manu” Matteo answers.
“No, but… would you?” Manuel presses on.
Silence falls between them.
“I would” Matteo whispers.
Manuel starts rubbing circles on Matteo’s hand with his thumb. Soft. Gentle. Comforting.
“But we can’t” Manuel says.
“We can’t” Matteo echoes this time.
They sit in silence once more. Finding comfort in the closeness. A cool breeze on his tear-stained t-shirt is making Matteo shiver.
“We should go back to bed” he says.
Manuel hums.
“We’re going to sleep it off. And in a few days you’re going to marry the woman you love.”
Manuels hums again.
“It will be ok, Manuel” Matteo tells him one more time.
“Will you be ok? Will we be ok?” Manuel asks as he looks up into Matteo’s eyes again.
“I will. We will.” Matteo nods.
“Can we still have Coverciano?” Manuel asks.
Matteo takes a second to answer.
“I don’t know. But I will be there for you” he says.
“So we can?” Manuel asks hopeful.
“We can” Matteo nods. He plants a kiss on Manuel’s forehead, takes his hand and leads him back to the house. Back to their beds. Back to the safety of their girlfriends.
----
The big day. Everything is beautiful. The venue, the music, the flowers, the weather, the bride, and Manuel. Oh, Manuel looks absolutely gorgeous. Matteo can’t take his eyes off of him. Luckily he doesn’t have to. Even as he’s crying, Manuel is beautiful.
It doesn’t even hurt anymore. Seeing Manuel so happy. On this day, that’s enough. Matteo knows his tears are real. Real happy tears. He’s seen them before. He knows his tears. His tears of joy, his tears of sadness. And when Manuel smiles, Matteo smiles too.
Only at the reception he finds a moment alone with Manuel. They walk into each other on the edge of the garden. Manuel greets Matteo with a big smile.
“You look stunning” Matteo comments.
“So do you” Manuel says, obviously checking him out.
Matteo just laughs in response. Manuel puts his arm around him.
“Are you happy?” Matteo asks.
“I am happy” Manuel answers with a grin.
Matteo looks at him and finds joy in his eyes.
“I’m happy you’re here” Manuel adds.
He gives Matteo one last smile before he walks off to greet more wedding guests.
Matteo follows him with his eyes. He is happy.
He breaks off his gaze and heads to the bar. He needs a drink.
----
The dust has settled. The Instagram posts are made. The newlyweds are on honeymoon. And Matteo is staring at the ceiling of another holiday home.
Manuel chose safety. He made Manuel choose safety.
Manuel got married. He pushed Manuel to get married.
The tears are dried.
Matteo wants to scream. Wants to leave. Wants to run away.
But he doesn’t.
He takes some deep breaths.
He has to think of everything he has. His career. His girlfriend. His friends. He has to be grateful. He has to be grateful for Manuel too.
Manuel, who will always remain his Manuel. At least for a little bit.
Because they’ll always have Coverciano.