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I sat quietly on my bed, surrounded by loneliness. I felt like nobody cares about me. And the things that I held dear don't matter to me anymore. Nothing matters. Everything is just worthless, just like me. It would be so much easier just to give up. I breathed in deeply before I held the metal item against the skin of my leg to get satisfaction.
I allowed the feeling numbness take over my body as I watched the hot red liquid drip from my leg. Nobody knows about this little secret of mine. Nobody even suspects me, because I don't have any marks on my arms. Little do they know about my legs. My legs look like raw meat, but honestly I couldn't care less, my skin is worthless anyways. I sighed before I pressed the knife again against my skin: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen.....every time I went just deeper and deeper. I felt ashamed but at the same time Im tired of acting happy when inside Im dying. I want to end it all and I bet nobody would miss me. My vision slowly turned into blurrier and blurrier.
I have to end it all.
I stood up from the bed to look around my room for some herbs to overdose. I didn't bother to cover my legs or even bandage my wounds. It doesn't really matter if Im going to be dead soon anyways. I sat down to the ground next to my shelf. My hands were shaking as I focused on looking for herbs. I was so focused that I didn't notice the light knock on my door.
“Hiril vuin…? Man ceril….?” His deep voice made me flinch back to reality. It was the king, but why was he in my room? Then a small panic attacked me, I need to hide my leg, but even with my blurry vision I was able to see his shocked facial expression, that made me realize that it was already too late.
He rushed to the shelf. “How long have you….” His voice cracked. It hurt to hear the usually strong king’s voice so weak and vulnerable. Does he actually care enough for me to get sad about this…? No it can't be, its just a duty of the king to take care of everyone, that’s it. Just a duty.
I didn't reply to him, words refused to come out. There I sat looking at the ground, a miserable shaking little creature, how pathetic of me. “But why…? Why…? You could have told me. Please tell me why” his voice sounded almost pleading and desperate. I finally dared to look up from the ground to meet his eyes. Then I saw it. His eyes were filled with worry, his face looked like he was about to cry. I stared into his eyes with a confused look on my face. Then he moved closer to me and hugged me tightly.
I tried to hold in my tears as he wrapped his protecting arms around my shaking body. I felt like nobody, including me, could harm me if I stayed in his arms like this.
"You are beautiful. Gi melin, and nothing can change my love for you. I love you, scars and everything" his tender voice whispered into my ear. I couldn't take it anymore and I broke down to tears. I uncontrollably sobbed into his shoulder as he tried to comfort me by mumbling tender words into my ear "Odulen an edraith angin"
Did he just confess his love for me? Am I hallucinating? Is this a dream? Is this heaven? What just happened? Why does he care for me? Im nobody. Why? Why he cares? Is he toying with me? If he is not toying with me then what is this? There is no way he could care for me like that….
I bit my lip to control my sobbing. I knew I have to answer to him. He wont leave without satisfying answer. I inhaled deeply his sweet scent and it calmed me down, just enough to open my mouth to speak "Thranduil….” I mumbled “Nobody cares. Im not worth of your effort. Im not worth of anything. I hate myself, everyone hates me. I cant take it anymore, I just want to sleep forever” Those words just slipped out of my mouth and I instantly regretted that I admitted to him that Im suicidal. He doesn't need that information anyway.
Then he did something that I wasn't expecting, he placed his strong hand gently on my bleeding leg “If you hate yourself, let me at least love you. And for valars sake you dont deserve this! You are important. I would miss you. Just thinking about…..” His voice cracked once again, but this time he was able to collect himself “...you being dead…. It saddens me. I can't describe how much it saddens me. Please…. If you feel like doing this” His hand moved around my leg, touching my wounds. It made me slightly shiver in pain. “...come and talk to me. You can come whenever you want to, even during council meetings. Your life is worth more than a stupid council meeting. And if Im sleeping in my chambers you can wake me up. Just please don't do this to yourself. You don’t deserve this”
I couldn't answer because mouth didn't obey me. So I just nodded to him and my eyes were filled with tears once again. “Come, let me treat your wounds” his hand moved away from my leg “Since you have been doing this I suppose you have some bandages in your room, perhaps in the shelf next to your bed…?” How did he know? Is that so obvious? “Based on your facial expression I guessed right” He smiled to me tenderly before he stood up.
After few moments he came back to me, with few bandages and a cup of water. “Here drink this, it will make you feel better” he handed me the cup of water. “Thank you, Gi melin”
My lady Hiril vuin
What are you doing? Man ceril?
Im here to save you Odulen an edraith angin
I love you Gi melin