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"From now on, what you do is your damn decision."
Porchay stumbles as he takes a step back and slams his body to the wall behind him, the skin where Kim last touched burning as if it wants to leave a mark on his wrist.
His head starts to pin the moment he makes contact with the hard surface, eyes shutting as hard as he could in hopes of making the headache disappear as fast as it came.
He heaves another deep breath before he glances back at the door Kim just exited from.
What was that?
Porchay doesn't understand a single thing that has happened in the past five minutes.
He pauses for a few moments, trying to calm his rapidly beating heart and pounding head, before he slides down the floor to think things through.
He needs to sit down so he could process whatever happened with Kim literally a few moments ago.
He was just trying to have fun with his friends without a care in the world to try to forget about one thing that's been bugging him for days, experience things that he wasn't able to try after days and nights of choosing to go home early in case his brother comes back home with injuries once again, and most importantly, live a temporary life where all he worries about is the questionable drinks offered to him by his friends.
He was doing well if he were to be honest in the past few hours, except for those times when he had to force a drink down his throat when even the thought of Kim resurfaces in his mind.
But nevertheless, he was doing better than he expected.
A series of laughter, dance showdowns, another batch of cold drinks, and the light feeling of being free just for a few hours made Porchay feel like nothing could ruin the night for him.
He remembered the bitter taste of alcohol running down his throat and the euphoric bliss of not being surrounded by the darkness brought along by the mafia, the thought of Kim, and even his brother for some reason
He wanted an escape from everything so he opted to stay for a little longer despite his body begging him to go home and sleep for weeks.
He remembered opening his mouth to welcome whatever's offered to him by his senior. He doesn't know what it wasㅡ not sure what it was supposed to make him feelㅡ but if it's going to give him a good damn time, then he's willing to try it.
He thought he'd have a night without the thought of Kim trying to completely consume him and live in his mind like it's not planning on leaving yet, until the problem itself comes flying out of goddamn nowhere to attack his seniors.
The sound of someone's fist landing on someone's face was enough to snap Porchay out of his thoughts.
He was confused at firstㅡ confused as to why Kim would do that when he was just having fun for fuck's sake, or where the hell he came from, or why he knew there was something worrying about what they were about to do.
But the realization hit him harder than a truck.
Kim came to save him from whatever his senior is planning to do. He was there to save him from an unforeseen danger once again.
What a pathetic little thing you are, Porchay.
He just wanted to have fun even just for one night but it seemed like the senior had another meaning of fun in mind that time. Stupid of him not to see it that way earlier.
He suddenly felt chills running down his spine at what the senior could've possibly done had Kim not interrupt their little exchange of whatever the fuck the senior was about to put in his mouth.
Way to go, Porchay.
He watched Kim punch and stare down at his seniors as if his presence is enough to tell the two of them not to mess with himㅡ to tell them that Kim isn't the person you'd want to piss off if you still give a damn about your pathetic life.
Porchay wasn't able to witness the wrath in Kim's eyes when he was abducted and of course the intent to kill whoever comes in his way when he saved the younger in that rundown warehouse.
Hell, he didn't even know Kim was present in every shit that has happened in his life until the oldest of the three brothers exposed Kim to him.
Porchay couldn't imagine what his P'Kim looked like while holding a gun, ready to kill everyone who touched even a single strand of hair on his head.
So witnessing his P'Kim pinning his other two seniors with just a stare was new to Porchay. The way Kim pointed a finger held as much power and threat as holding a gun.
This version of his P'Kim was something he hasn't seen before because the latter was able to keep this side of him for a long time— the side that he just discovered after experiencing the shittiest week he's ever had.
"Don't."
He looked up, the hairs at the back of his neck stood up at the dangerous tone Kim just used. He blinked when the room was spinning for a little while before he focused on the older making his way to his direction and dragged him out of the hellhole.
But everything was moving too fast for Porchay.
The floor was waving at him, the door was moving from left to right, and Kim's figure in front of him floated like an intangible object that he wouldn't even dare to touch.
His stomach was feeling funny from all the questionable drinks he drank a few seconds ago— but the warmth from Kim's hand around his wrist reminded him of where he was.
It kept him grounded and felt relieved, thankful, and safe knowing that it was Kim holding him.
But the feeling that he was partially able to bury at the back of his head came knocking again, every other thing being forgotten in a split second when Kim's grip around his wrist tightened— as if desperate, afraid that Porchay might slip out of his grasp.
He then thought it was really hard to shove everything down the drain when the very same person that had him seeking alcohol for comfort was standing right in front of him.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" He remembered Kim ask.
The anger, hurt, humiliation, and betrayal came rushing all at once, making him lose control and snap at the older for acting like he had the right to tell Porchay off like he's someone he cares about.
Like Porchay is his business.
"What I'm doing is my business! Why are you even doing this?" A pause. "Don't mess with my business!"
Who the hell did he think he is?
Wasn't he the guy who made Porchay feel like he was nothing but the dirt that he wouldn't even bother looking at in his life? Wasn't he the one who made it clear to Porchay that he wouldn't even think of tutoring if it wasn't for his brother? Wasn't he the guy who couldn't even let himself feel bad for breaking Porchay's heart and trust into tiny little pieces?
Wasn't he the one who made sure Porchay felt like he meant absolutely nothing to him?
So why?
Why would he do things like this and mess with him again? Why would he go out of his way to come and save him like that without caring about what others would say the next day?
But most importantly, why is a little part of Porchay's mind convincing him that this is how Kim shows him that he cares about him?
That Kim loves him too.
He lets out a loud sigh and visibly shakes his head to clear his mind of all the thoughts about Kim consuming his being.
He was already being stupid for letting his heart out easily like that for Kim so he shouldn't entertain any more ideas that will make him even more stupid than he already is.
Enough.
He rests his head on the wall and glances at the exit once again, a part of him hoping Kim would come back while the other is hoping he'd disappear from his life forever.
No, Chay. Let's not go there. It's just the alcohol talking.
He closes his eyes as Kim's last words resonate around his head.
"From now on, what you do is your damn decision."
He brings his knees up and buries his face in his arms. A tear is threatening to spill but he blinks it away because he's not going to let himself cry about Kim again on this filthy floor.
Hugging himself, he closes his eyes and ignores everything around him.
He suddenly feels tired as if he'll be needing an entire month to even get himself to smile at things again. He wants to take a break, bury himself with his favorite blanket, and listen to his new playlist free of any of Wik's music.
"Nong, are you alright?"
He doesn't recognize the voice but he reckons it must be another patron who is concerned about a kid sitting in the hallway, most probably drunk out of his mind with no one looking after him. But he ignores the voice as well as every person who approached him to ask the same thing for the next few minutes, hours, or whatever.
He stayed there for as long as he can remember because there's no way he's going back to where his friends are or go home and risk the chance of being caught by his brother who is most probably still awake with his boyfriend right now.
When he feels like he's been there on the floor for ages, he decides to ditch everyone and go home instead. He'll deal with them tomorrowㅡ that's if he still has the energy to come out of his room.
Luckily, he already has everything he brought to the club (his wallet and phone) with him so he makes his way to the back exit leading to the alleyway that will take him straight to the street leading to the direction of his house
He no longer feels like the world is literally spinning as well as the funny churning of his stomach from the all drinks earlier. Maybe the thought of Kim completely sobered him up.
He rubs his exposed arms the moment he steps out of the club, the smell of cigar and dirt mixing with the cold air as he makes his way out of the premises.
He can't help but curse himself for choosing this outfit when he could've chosen something that won't make him suffer out in the cold like this. He wishes Porsche is here to just pick him up but calling his brother is definitely not on the list right now.
He wishes he could justㅡ
He stops right in his tracks, arms dropping to his sides, when he comes face to face with none other than Kim himself.
Kim is sitting on the hood of his fancy car, obvious worry stretched across his face with the way his eyebrows meet and eyes almost glistening in relief at the sight of Porchay in front of him.
"Porchay," he calls out.
Porchay hates how soft Kim's voice sounded when he called his name, how absolutely tender it was compared to the murderous one inside the club.
He hates how his walls crumble down with just one call from Kim.
He didn't say anything as he stood there, visibly stopping himself from moving even an inch because he's afraid he'll just throw himself at Kim and forgive him for everything he's done.
"Chay," Kim takes a step a step forward before pausing, contemplating whether getting close is a good idea or not.
He stays silent once again, exhaustion now consuming him.
"Chay, please."
"P'Kim."
Kim breathes out.
"I'm sorry."
"What are you sorry for?"
"Iㅡ" Kim looks down before staring at him straight in the eyes. "Porchay, I'm sorry."
"Why are you even here?"
Kim couldn't answer again.
Porchay is tired of asking questions without getting an answer. If it was another day, Porchay would've put up a fight and will probably have left Kim in this filthy alleyway without sparing him a glance.
But right now he's exhausted. He doesn't even have the energy to look away as he lets himself get lost in the eyes of the very guy that has him weak in the knees.
He watches Kim slowly approaching him, his arm already extending to reach out and hold his hand, or whatever Porchay will let him touch.
"Don't you have somewhere else to be?"
"You seem cold," Kim replies instead and he makes a move to take off his leather jacket and hangs it over Porchay's shoulder. The younger shouldn't even be letting him do more than what he already did inside but he still made no move to stop Kim.
He lets him get close to him with the latter's arms almost wrapped around his arms, his own body seeking the warmth Kim used to emit when they were cuddling and touching as if letting go wasn't even an option.
And that's because he still craves it even if he says otherwise.
Porchay still wants to be close to Kim even after all this fucking time as if nothing happened. He'd not wish for Kim to move away if this is going to be the last chance he'll be this close to the older.
He will always be this weak for Kim Theerapanyakul no matter what he does.
"Is Porsche picking you up? Did Kinn send bodyguards to drive you home?"
"They don't even know I'm out tonight."
"How are you gonna get home?"
"I'm walking."
He watches Kim's jaw twitch but he ignores it. He sighs and pulls the jacket closer to his body as another rush of cold air bites his skin.
They stand there for a few moments without any of them saying anything. "If that's all you want to know then I'm heading home. I'll ask P'Kinn to return your jacket tomorrow morning."
"Chay, wait."
He looks down at Kim's hand around his wrist once again but this time, he no longer wanted to rip it away from him. Instead, he wants to be pulled closer and closer until he's in Kim's embrace once again.
He wants to be held tightly and feel like Kim's afraid to let go of him again. So he ignores everything even the last sane part of his brain and lets Kim touch him like that again.
"I...Let me take you home."
He didn't say anything again and watch as Kim's carefully built walls crumbled down with every second he waits for Porchay to say something.
He doesn't know what's making Kim act like this because this is definitely not the part Porchay hasn't seen before.
The rather cool, aloof, but kind senior was nowhere to be found as he continues to look at Porchay with soft, sorry eyes, his shoulders slouched forward and palm sweating hard despite the cold temperature outside.
"Why?"
"Because I..."
It's obvious that Kim is struggling to say a word, to say anything to Porchay, who the latter patiently waits for him. He could see there are thousands of thoughts running in Kim's mind so he didn't push him to reply right away.
He honestly expected Kim to run away again after asking his questions but the fact that he still stayed right in front of him with concern gracing his face tells Porchay that Kim wants to man up this time.
But he still didn't push, partly because he wants to be with him for as long as he's allowed to.
"I don't know."
Porchay stays silent.
"I don't even know, Chay. I don't know why I stayed out here in the cold when I could've driven myself back to the comfort of my own house. But I regretted ever saying that to you earlier and Iㅡ" Kim runs a hand through his hair in frustration.
"I just want you to be safe, Chay. I don't want you to get hurt and I'm afraid something like earlier would happen again if I leave you alone here. I shouldn't have left you inside but I don't want to piss you off more so I waited here. And I justㅡ"
Breathe in, breathe out.
"I want to make sure you're safe or I'll never forgive myself."
Porchay feels like crying for some reason why he doesn't have any tears left to cry after literally bawling his eyes out a few days ago. But he did feel it.
He feels the warmth in Kim's words despite struggling to let Porchay know even the tiniest bit of his thoughts at the moment. He still didn't push for Kim to explain more because for him, that was enough.
Kim's left hand holds his hand with the right one reaches out to cup the side of his face. Porchay stops himself from leaning closer and focuses on Kim's eyes instead.
"Porchay, you know I'm never good with words and it'll take me a while to figure out the words I want to say to you but I hope you'llㅡ"
"P'Kim."
Kim nervously blinks at him.
"Let's go home."
Something sparked in the older's eyes. "Okay, I'll get you home safe and make sure Porsche won'tㅡ"
"Let's go home. To your house, I mean. You said it will take you a while to figure out whatever you want to say to me," Porchay grabs Kim's hand that was cupping his face and continues,
"I'm willing to wait for it. With you."
"Chay..."
"Are you letting ourselves have a chance to clear things out between us?"
Porchay is tired and he hopes this is going to be the last time they're going to play this endless game.
And with a determined nod, Kim takes both of his hands and says, "Let's go home, angel. I'll try to make things right with you."
It might not be much but it was everything for Porchay. After all the unanswered questions, Kim is finally willing to give him an explanation, anything, that'll let him understand and fix things between them.
After all this time, Porchay is still willing to give Kim a chance. That's how much he craves for the older's closure and answer, and if it means waiting for god knows how long then so be it.
"Let's go, P'Kim."
He says as they head to Kim's car together hand in hand, obviously ignoring the phone buzzing with five missed calls from Porsche.