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shoto looked at him, and stared, and tried to understand every word he said. and the more he talked, the more shoto couldnt help but compare it to the shattering of his being.
“what do you mean all you did was take?”
those green eyes. why did they look at him like that? didn't those same green eyes leave him, broken, all those years? those same green eyes brought him back to the chitter of paparazzi the enveloped him for years, asking if he knew anything about pro hero deku's disappearance. imagine the shock when that was how he found out he was missing.
“shoto, you could only take because i gave.”
when they asked, all he could remember were those goddamn green eyes. the ones that scribbled on the paragraphs of adoration he'd written. that distorted the sonata he'd composed. only for him. the one he'd fleshed out in the streaks of the yuuei dorm sunlight and performed in the comfort of a shared futon. all for him.
“i... i gave you so much,” his hand reached out, resting on his cheek. “i gave you two kids, shoto.”
but, why? those green, green, green eyes... why do they look like that?
“i gave you my mind,” why are there tears pooling in them? ”i gave you every thought that ever belonged to me.”
that voice, the cracks, it's--
“hell, i gave you my body,” he leaned into shoto's body. shoto could now see the wear of time on his skin. he could now focus on more than those green fucking eyes. shoto could see where life weathered at him: the strands of grey hairs, the creases in the corners of his eyes... the mark that shoto gave to him. “i gave you, and only you, midoriya izuku.”
the bite was scarred over now. the tissue was lighter than when he last saw it, stretching over where his shoulder and neck meet. yet it was painful to look at it, it was messy. the teeth indentations weren't even, the scar as a whole wasn't the same color, and the plain it rested upon was almost superficial. like it could tear open at any time.
“so why can't you see...?” shoto finally met izuku's gaze, but izuku looked away. “i left for you, for me, for the kids.”
it was as if his senses were opening up, one by one. he could hear the choppy breathing now.
“you know i couldn't handle it anymore. especially after my mom and katsuki died and, and,” there's the crack again. “the murder trial, oh my god, the murder trial.”
how could shoto forget the murder trial? katuski died, izuku was found at the scene, he was tried for murder, and was found innocent. its was simple, but it broke izuku. it tore his spirit in half. any lingering resolve that he had was ripped into shreds-- how could they accuse the only one trying to help katsuki of murder?
“you know i had to take a break,” he could feel them on him, gauging his reaction, or maybe just looking. “i'm sorry, shoto.”
“i gave you me, i left, but i continued to split my self just for you,” he knows. shoto knows. shoto was the only person that midoriya visited during the disappearance. shoto got to see his children. shoto got to see his lover. but they talked about it before, so why, why does it hurt now? “i tried really hard when i wasn't a hero to attend to you and the kids, but i couldn't do both, you know that.”
yes, he knows. he knows of how izuku was still being hunted down and how he still lived in fear of them being killed in cold blood and how even after going to such great lengths to trust only those who deserve it, he was still betrayed. yes, he knows. but now he knows that the blood on his hands isn't his. and now he knows that izuku can only take so much. and he knows that izuku gave him everything, and maybe that was the problem, that izuku gave him everything.
“i'm sorry, shoto, i'm so so sorry,”
he looked back at the bite. he looked at those eyes. he looked at the disheveled hair. he looked and looked and looked. but shoto couldn't say anything. he looked, but he couldn't understand anything. so, he couldn't say anything. shoto closed his eyes. he already left once, he came back, and now he's trying to leave again.
why?
he caught those green eyes again and could see flashes of red and blue within them. they illuminated his face and turned the place a disgusting purple. izuku's lips started to move, but a siren's blare interrupted whatever he was going go say next. so, shoto tried to not just know, but understand. he pulled izuku's body into his, dismissing the wetness that seeped into his clothing. his hands, they entangled themselves in izuku's hair, and caressed his waist. their legs were wrapped around eachother, allowing the heat from shoto's body to be shared with izuku. only then, with this intimacy, could shoto speak.
“i thought you were getting better,” he mumbled into the thinning scent of freshly washed hair. “but, i knew... deep down, i knew you weren't.”
izuku's hastening breathing brushed his ear. “i think i wanted to pretend that what my senses told me was incorrect, that that peaceful time would last forever,” his teeth grazed the bite mark while his eyes peered down the loose shirt izuku was wearing. was he always this thin? “but i knew better than that.”
“and me ignoring all your cries for help led to this, izuku,” shoto dug his nose into izuku's shoulder. “you've been struggling, and you've been trying to pull yourself out of it, but living in this society has always been too much for you.”
“it was too much and you pretended it was okay until you broke,” and shoto couldn't do anything. after all, he aided in the shattering of his mind. “was it hero work that broke you?” shoto's voice caught in his throat. “or was it losing your mom? or katsuki? or our first child?”
“was it living every day in fear of others and yourself?” izuku's body started shaking, and all shoto could do was hold him tighter.
“or was it me?”
shoto's throat tightened. he tried to grip izuku's body for purchase but couldn't find any. the pain of knowing he brought this upon the only person he ever loved was too much. “look, i know you gave me everything.”
“but, you only gave me everything because that's all you know how to do, give,” the jargon of paramedics filled their kitchen. “but i shouldn't have taken everything you gave me. i shouldn't have allowed myself to indulge in you so often.”
he gave izuku some space. he stopped his hands from roaming izuku's body any longer. his fingers squeezed izuku's trembling shoulders, and in a pitiful sigh, he whispered, “i love you, izuku,” he didn't just look into those eyes anymore. “but that's why i can't keep taking from you anymore.”
a hand tapped him on the shoulder, and he stood up. he lifted up izuku's body and placed it on the stretcher. as they took him away, he could see where he weathered away at izuku: the dimming of izuku's eyes, the soft puffs of air leaving izuku's red-tinted lips.
an empty apology left him. “i'm sorry,” so he continued.
“i'm sorry i didn't see your demons eating away at you. i'm sorry i couldn't help you. i'm sorry--” but shoto's voice got lost in the confusion, so it never reached him.