Work Text:
inhale, exhale. his chest rose and fell softly, presumably dreaming of something happy.
kai hoped it was of him.
his hyung was so fucking cool in the beginning. sharp eyes, passion driving his every move. a humble heart, who still knew his worth. someone who looked invincible.
kai truly believed he was.
he first saw his noona crumble the night before debut. they were preparing for their debut showcase, stylists flying everywhere. his gum crying from gratitude. his bear sitting quietly (for once), introspective about how he got to this point. his best friend fidgeting around, wide-eyed and in shock. his noona- where was he?
kai saw a closet, and that was where he found his haven.
his hyung was shaking, rubbing at his eyes to pretend like he wasn’t crying. kai rubbed his tummy, gave him his gummy smile, whispered to him just how proud he was. so many affirmations, so little time. he felt like bursting with how much he loved his hyung. he felt himself being hugged back, a string of “hyung loves you”’s and “angel”’s being warbled out. he was a mess in the best way possible.
kai saw his truest self that day, raw and bleeding.
human. that was the only way kai could describe him. he was so inexplicably human. not that he ever thought his noona was an alien or a vampire or something. but human in the sense that there was just this thing about him that made him who he was.
kai was enamoured.
he felt something tug at his heart even when they blitzed past debut and first comeback and fuck now they’re in quarantine and hyung was more human than ever. he wasn’t perfect and that was so beautiful. he loved fashion, would parade around in short skirts and funky vests and weird shoes but they were so him . and he had the dumbest jokes but they still made kai screech-laugh. he reeked of hair bleach some days and kai thought it was the sweetest scent. he scrunched his nose up and kai wanted to kiss it. he hummed some random love song and kai wanted to scream the lyrics to him, he felt like physically shoving the words into his heart wouldn’t be enough to express his affection for his hyung.
kai needed him, in a way no one else could satisfy.
more bleach. new dye. hair extensions. and suddenly his noona was so much more confident onstage than usual. it was like he owned every concept he was given. he made everything look good, but this one especially. kai didn’t feel particularly positively (or negatively, for that matter) about their current bubblegum concept, but noona on the other hand. he was practically glowing, twirling his new hair around, dancing in his crop tops. he looked the happiest he had ever looked since debut.
kai loved him so much he hurt.
with that happiness came flirtiness. a cheeky lift of his best friend’s shirt, a kiss blown at his gum, even his bear got so much skinship. kai felt like nothing he got was enough. he tried so hard to be paired with his hyung whenever skinship or fanservice was involved, but it was like once he received one kiss, he needed more. he received one wink (or, blink , rather) and he needed all of his attention. it was selfish but he couldn’t help it. he felt like yeonjun was untouchable again.
kai just wanted to reach him.
he felt the shift before he saw it. new clothes. quieter voice. slimmer face. different. he heard voices telling his noona to- ordering him to do- demanding him of- he hugged his plushie. hid away while noona was put on a shiny pedestal. the spotlight was searing hot, burning away all of his imperfections. singed his fat away. burned his hair black. outshone the light in his eyes. tore through his soft skin and softer clothes, leaving hard, hard bone. steely. untouchable.
kai felt a storm coming.
hair bleach, recording studio, dance practice, recording studio, dance practice, vocal practice, dance practice, comeback show, dance dance dance FUCK he didn’t wanna dance anymore. he felt like he had been stripped to the bone. bags under his eyes. interviews. hedgehog. interviews. more practice and he felt like a zombie. his hyung- where was he? he hadn’t seen him in a while. it was like he ran away. left a shell behind.
kai found him in the closet again, and brought him back.
tummy rubs, whispered “it’s okay”’s and noona was breaking down in kai’s arms again. he felt something in him sink. mumbled apologies, something about feeling weak or needing to be strong for them all. bullshit. he liked this noona- not the sad, torn apart one but the real one. the human one. the one who didn’t feel pressured to put on his best face for the others. he was enough, was always enough just as he was.
kai kissed him in his dreams that night, too nervous to try in this universe.
hyung stood up for himself more. kai knew things changed and would probably never go back to how they were. pastels felt like a distant dream as they moved through chaos and mess, changing personas yet again. it sold well, and that was what mattered. but for kai, he wanted to rest. it was hard being strong and unwavering. he wished he could cry like hyung did. he just distracted himself and occasionally scratched if it got bad.
kai got bad.
his noona was there, holding him tight as he rocked and shuddered. he was an earthquake, an eruption, a hurricane. disaster was bound to strike with him; it came naturally. his head was a landmine and he stomped all over it like the clumsy, uncoordinated trainee he was (is.) and still noona held him through it all. kissing his forehead. petting his hair. holding his hand. letting kai grip his sides so hard it probably burned. his own mt. vesuvius. and yet his noona was obsidian-strong, unwavering even when he finally let out that torrent. his glassy eyes met noona’s and-
kai saw nothing but love.
the rain calmed, a gentle pitter patter. he nuzzled into hyung’s shoulder, and he felt warm as he felt his back slowly being rubbed. “‘m gonna sleep here with you, ‘s that okay?” he nodded, cuddling closer as hyung pet his hair with his other hand. he couldn’t find the words to tell him how precious he was to him. how much he adored him. how much he wanted hyung to be content and feel safe. he felt like they would come eventually, but he wanted them now.
kai felt like his lexicon got stripped away more and more with each passing second he spent with him.
“you know, i really- dunno if i should say this but. you’re really- you’re.” a sigh. “something else. really, i don’t know what i would do without you. i feel like that with all of you guys of course but- i dunno. you’re really just- special. i dunno why i’m even saying this. or how to explain it. just- you’re my darling. and i would do anything for you. always remember that, okay? and i’ll remind you whenever you need. but- seriously- i dunno. you can come to me, try to not let stuff get this bottled up. speaking from experience it isn’t healthy. just- you can talk whenever you’re ready. no pressure. but i’m here, darling.”
kai saw his world stop- and smile at him.
he nodded. his feelings were put into words way better than he imagined. he kissed the shoulder in front of him, earning himself an endeared laugh and another forehead kiss. “so cute, hm?” he felt being mumbled in his hair. he nodded again, practically beaming at this point.
kai had found his haven, and he became one as well.
he felt the arms around him slowly relax, feeling sleep creep up on him too. he smiled against the shoulder in front of him, slowly settling down. inhale, exhale. their chests softly rose and fell, drifting off into dreamland.
kai knew they would dream of each other.