Work Text:
First day of high school freshman year. Robert was the stereotypical awkward kid, complete with thick glasses and an outfit that looked like something your uncle who works in IT would wear. He didn’t have many friends, but a person who knew of him once described him as “the nerd emoji, if it were a person.”
But this is no 2000s makeover story. Robert doesn’t take off his glasses and take out the rubber band from his single upward tuft of hair. He doesn’t join a clique. Instead, he becomes a hero.
Robert’s entire life could be described as a visual novel in which the player purposely chose the worst option at every dialogue choice. For example, when trying to find a seat at the cafeteria instead of sitting next to the reeking bathroom like he did in middle school, he struck up a conversation with a boy who seemed like the same age.
He could have introduced himself, or he could have even just assertively sat down and began eating. But he just stood there without a word, holding his lunch tray, the orange wobbling dangerously on the edge.
The boy patted the seat invitingly, and Robert saw his mouth move, but he didn’t hear anything over the crashing and chatter of the cafeteria.
Again, he could have just introduced himself, or even better, asked him to repeat the question, but once again made the worst decision imaginable.
“I have Kool Aids,” is what Robert tried to say, but he stumbled over the “Kool” and ended up loudly declaring, “I have… Aids.”
“Um… what?” The other kid began doubting his decision to help out the awkward kid.
________
Mindy sat down to her morning cereal in front of the TV. She turned it on to some loud advertisement with neon colors that left spots in her eyes.
“Have you ever wished to be less awkward?” the salesman asked.
Mindy rolled her eyes. “Don’t we all,” she muttered.
“Now we have a solution! Your social problems are all fixed with this amazing service for only NINE NINETY NINE per month!”
The screen flashed wildly in suspense before the announcer shouted, “AWKWARD MAN!” A skinny guy with glasses showed up on the screen and waved, well… awkwardly.
“Say goodbye to awkward conversations when AWKWARD MAN is even MORE AWKWARD than you!”
This has to be some sort of prank, Mindy thought. Superhero music played as Awkward Man ended an awkward conversation by pointing finger guns at the camera and saying, “Welp, I guess it’s time to go.”
Mindy waited for some sort of hint that this was a prank, maybe the SNL logo or the spokesperson to yell “April Fools!” but it never came. She was thoroughly confused.
_________
Robert was the infamous Awkward Man. He was hired to stay near couples on their first date, corporate gatherings with lots of strangers meeting each other, and Sunday morning church gatherings. He was sipping his room temperature milk at a bar within range of a couple on a blind date. Robert waited for a signal to save the conversation. Suddenly, the man made eye contact with him and motioned frantically under the table to Robert.
He made his way over to the table while giving a thumbs up. “Heyyyyyy,” he said for a few seconds too long. “So, uh, how long have you two been…uh… dating?”
“Our friends set us up on a blind date actually,” Mindy said.
“Oh, that’s really cool,” Robert smiled awkwardly. “Um… so how are you liking him?”
She dodged the question and asked, “I’m sorry, do you two know each other?” She pointed between Robert and her date.
“Not really,” the man said.
Robert needed to change the subject, fast. “Uh, I like your drink.” He pointed at Mindy’s cocktail. “I also really like beans, too.”
Both of them looked visibly distraught.
“Y’know beans are great. I used to have them all the time in high school. They called me Iron Bowels ‘cause I never farted after eating beans. But don’t get me wrong, beans are really nutritious. Gotta get that fiber!” Robert made jazz hands.
“Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.” Mindy left, taking her drink with her, wondering if the advertisement she saw this morning was in any way related to whatever she just saw.
“Thanks, Awkward Man.” He stuck out his hand to shake. Robert stuck out the wrong hand so their palms were facing the same direction. They both switched hands at the same time. He ended up giving him a fist bump.