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"I wake up just before the bell goes again. I swear to God I’m a freak. I mean it. One day I’m going to forget how to wake up." solitaire, alice oseman
Tori had insomnia.Michael knew it.Everyone knew it. Her eye bags remained a dark purple colour, even when she tried to hide them with make up in the mornings.
Something he liked about their relationship was that there was never a need for explanations between them.When tori fell asleep during lunch, he knew she'd stayed up all night scrolling through her blog or watching a movie or doing god knows what.When he showed up with bloody knucles from a fit of anger the night before, she didn't ask.They both just knew.
Michael knew that she never actually slept during the night.He knew It had gotten better after starting therapy and taking medication, but he feared things were getting bad for her again.He didn't want to be alone,to go back to trying desperately to make her realize that the world isn't as bad.
The next morning, they met at the library, her new favorite spot since they moved to truham.
" er…are you okay, tori? you look tired"
Her left eye twitched. Lack of sleep? nervous tick? either way, she smirked and leaned her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes.
"Good day to you too.I watched the star wars sequels last night. they're horrible,don't ever watch them"
And that was her way of saying she hadn't slept a wink.
So he came up with a plan.It was risky, and he could get them both in trouble but at this point Michael would do anything in his power to help her,and finally get her to rest.
"Have any friday plans?" Michael said when they were walking home from school.He walked her home every day, mostly because her house was in the way, but also because until he was sure she got home safe he literally couldn't think of anything else.Michael couldn't stand the thought of tori wandering alone in school, not after what had happened a few months ago.
Tori took his hand.He made an effort not to jump at how cold her hands were.Always were.
"You know I don't."
"Movie night?"
She hummed in agreement, and so phase one of the plan was successful.
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They ended up watching Amélie, because it was one of tori's favourites and he'd never seen it before,and drinking an absurd amount of diet lemonade.He never knew why she liked the stuff so much.
" I thought you hated romance.this is pretty cute" He whispered at some point,only teasing her.Michael knew deep, very deep down, Victoria Annabel spring was a pile of mush.
"it's not all about romance, and I only hate fake romance.The disney shit.This?" Tori said, her gaze fixed on her screen.She was laying beside him, absentmindedly running her hands through his hair.He had a theory that tori secretly loved his hair. "This is real"
Onscreen, Amélie and her beloved were finally kissed for the first time after half a lifetime of looking for each other.It was soft, wanting, almost desperate and thoroughly real. She was right.He told her that, laying his head on her shoulder.Then he really looked at tori, with her dark eyebags and shiniest blue eyes he'd ever seen.He kissed her forehead.
"when was the last time you slept?"
She shrugged, placing her head on his chest.
"I wish you could stay the night" She was probably just sleep deprived and wanting to change the subject, but a warm feeling still erupted in his chest.Even as boyfriend and girlfriend, or friends who kissed sometimes or whatever they were, she was never one to say sappy things.
"I wish I could stay too"
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Later, He had dinner with her family.He'd laughed at olly's jokes and chatted politely with tori's dad about some book they both had read, and charlie kept sneaking glances at both of them.It was nice.He knew tori had a strained relationship with her parents, but he still wondered what it would be like to come home to a family like that, instead of a big empty house and his laptop waiting.
Then,his plan came into full effect.He loudly said goodbye and walked out the door, only to text tori to let him back in after a few minutes.
"what are you doing?"
"I left my sweater.Can I come in?"
This actually made her laugh. just a bit.She put a hand over his mouth to shush him as if her parents would hear all the way from upstairs, and for a second it felt forbidden and romantic,like they were romeo and juliet or tony and María,as if they were doing something they shouldn't. It was nice to pretend.
"Was this your plan all along?" She whispered later, closing the door behind her as they walked back into her bedroom.
"I even brought pajamas"
"My parents wouldn't have noticed if you just stayed, you know." She said, when they were back inside her room."I doubt they even noticed you left in the first place"
He did know.It was just common decency to at least pretend the springs noticed anything at all about their eldest daughter and would care if a friend stayed the night without their permission and potentially sullied her reputation, or something.Maybe he'd read too many victorian romance novels.He told her this.She smirked, and that was enough.
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"Tori, have you seen my- oh hi Michael" Charlie had burst into tori's room, stopping in his tracks as soon as he noticed a room full of him and no tori in sight.
"She's in the bathroom"
"Alright" Charlie said, walking in anyways and retrieving a hoodie from the mess Tori had left on the floor.He didn't say anything about him being there, just silently sat beside him on tori's bed.
"You staying the night then?"
Michael nodded.They'd only properly talked once or twice before.The last time had been after the school burnt down, that fateful day inside a hospital waiting room. Tori was still inside a room, getting checked up.She had first degree burns and a nasty cut on her face, plus she was in danger because of all the smoke inhalation and they were worried because apparently she hadn't slept for weeks now.He'd just been discharged, cleared of any injury, some of his hair singed off and soot on his face and the sinking feeling of knowing the person he cared about most in the whole entire world had just nearly jumped off a building.
Charlie had said that tori needed help.He agreed.Back then, he'd told charlie about how he should have seen it coming. He knew tori was in a terrible place mentally, that she wasn't sleeping, that she'd brought up the subject of suicide to him before.He just hadn't put the pieces together like a goddamn idiot.
Back then, charlie had been very wise for a fifteen year old, and had only told him you can never be sure how bad someone is doing mentally if they never talk about it,and while some people are an open book, tori is more like one of those books that are locked and the key is lost somewhere to never be found.Still, tori had gotten help.Therapy and medication wasn't going to make her all better, or fix whatever storm she had brewing inside her head, but it did seem to be helping.He knew it was just the beggining.
In the present, charlie just said:
"I won't tell.it's not like nick hasn't stayed the night before without them knowing." Charlie chuckled. He had the same dimpled smile as tori, the same icy blue eyes, the same gestures.Yet the siblings could not be more different. " You're good for her, you know. She's happier"
"I wouldn't give myself that much credit" He replied, but charlie's words still made something in his stomach do backflips in pure joy.
When he'd first met tori, he'd seen an enigma.She was sad, more than sad, numb, emotionless.And yet, even he could tell that deep down, she was curious.About solitaire, about him.He'd just done his best to bring out that curiosity.
She knew more about films and music than anyone else he'd ever met.He wished to know more about her, almost desperately. He wanted to know why her gaze was so empty and how she got into films and why she always looked a little miserable when she was hanging out with her friends.
Now he knew, about everything.Michael retained every single piece of information tori had let him have in a corner of the wasteland he called a brain.And then he'd tried so hard to make her feel something, to see life brought back in those dimmed eyes, to make her see life wasn't so bad when he wasn't sure he believed it himself.It felt good to hear his efforts hadn't been for nothing in the end.
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A few hours later, he was content to find himself in tori's bed again, with her head resting on his chest.
Michael remembered the first time he got to hold her like that.It had been at Becky's birthday party, when they'd fallen asleep together watching beauty and the beast, dressed as sherlock holmes and wednesday adams.He remembered how cold her hands were, and how small she felt in his arms.How right it felt, and all that bullshit about fitting together like pieces of a puzzle? he understood it then.
Now, present tori wrapped her arms around him as if he was a teddy bear and stared out the window, her eyes clouded over, as if there were monsters outside she was frightened of.
She didn't need to tell him that she somehow slept better when he was around.He'd known since that night at becky's part.She did mention it once, at a party, when they'd lost each other in the crowd and then suddenly he had a drunk tori in his arms.He'd sat her on a nearby couch while she laid her head on his shoulder, muttering something about how annoying and inconvenient it was that she felt safer when he was around.He'd thought it was the most wonderful thing he'd ever heard.
"Why do you like me?' she asked now,looking at him from behind black eyelashes and glowing blue eyes.
"You can't ask me that. that's stupid.That's like asking…the sun why he likes the moon."
Tori laughed, a small victory for him, and the sound was so glorious he'd do anything to hear it again.
"God.Those are the sappiest words you've ever managed to say to me"
She hit his arm then, hard, but every second was worth it.
But then really, there weren't enough words in the english vocabulary to explain how much tori meant to him.She was pretty much his only friend, the only one who felt like understood him at least a little bit.He'd known there was something about her ever since that day on the computer room, when they'd first found out about solitaire.Maybe even before.She'd seen his anger and didn't judge him for it.She knew he tended to snap and say mean things he never meant, just like she did when she felt like shit.
" I'm serious. You can't ask me that. You're tori spring" He brought her closer to him then, their foreheads almost touching."I can't help not liking you"
Tori made a gagging noise, but he made a mental note of how she didn't back away.
They stayed liked that,resting against each other until he found himself nearly drifting off.Just before he actually did, he heard tori whisper:
"I love you, Michael Holden"
Even half asleep,he smiled so hard his cheeks hurt, and when he closed his eyes he could still picture tori peacefully asleep on his chest, the image burned into his mind
The next day,he had to sneak out of her house even before the sun was out, but it was worth it when she showed up to school looking well rested for once.
He wished they could fall asleep together every night.He slept better knowing she was right there with him, safe.
Maybe someday, he told himself.
and until then, sneaking into her room and making sure she actually slept would have to be enough.