Work Text:
“It would not be a straight line sloping down. It is a general downtrend, yes. However, once in a while there will be a sudden spike of varying intensity, but it will be less and less frequent. When it happens, allow yourself a break. Cry as much as you need.”
“But dad you have promised me that today you will go buy the pencils with me,” Jungyeon says.
She is stomping on the ground. There are not that much of tears, meaning that she’s just being difficult and not truly sad. The passengers lining up in front of him have one by one gotten into the bus. Euiwoong contemplates whether he should get in. If he doesn’t, he’ll wait another 30 minutes in the cold and he’s not sure if Jungyeon would stop by then.
“Also, remember that your child is not your friend.”
Euiwoong hastily wipes the tears at the corner of his eyes. He unhooks his arm from the strap of his backpack, which is loosely hanging on his right shoulder, then he puts it securely on his front, then wears Jungyeon’s pink one on the back, and with his two hands hoists her up on the bus’s floor.
“Thank you, sir,” he says to the bus driver, nodding apologetically to him then to the passengers around. The man has waited for him for – Euiwoong doesn’t know how long – but he feels it very long, since all the other passengers wait together with him for Euiwoong to make a decision before the bus can close its doors and leave the stop.
A sleeping man at the front row stirs awake now, looking confused before his face changes into an expression of defeat when he sees the little girl bellowing from the top of her lungs, face red, bang sticking to her forehead.
“I’m sorry,” he says as he makes his way towards the only empty bench to sit down, bowing side to side in apology.
Jungyeon continues to bawl.
Back in the days, he would come home from a stressful day at work to Hyeongseop’s open arms, kissing the hair on the top of his head, telling him he worked hard, and he deserved a break, and a reward, like ice cream, or watching a good movie together, or just falling asleep with his head nestled in the crook of Hyeongseop’s neck.
Back in the days – Euiwoong can’t remember the last time. He doesn’t remember Jungyeon being in the picture then.
People change. It’s not just normal. It’s expected. Making the decision to stay, regardless of how you or they have changed, is the tough part. Euiwoong made the decision. He doesn’t understand why it’s so hard for Hyeongseop.
And then he thinks wait a minute, what if it’s me who makes it difficult for Hyeongseop to make his decision? Parenting is tough maybe they should have taken more time to make the decision to have Jungyeon?
And then he makes peace with himself and thinks whatever Hyeongseop’s decision is Euiwoong made his and did his best accordingly and has no regret whatsoever.
And then he wonders what Hyeongseop is doing right now is he outside at his favorite bar laughing with friends? or did someone make him smile the way he used to smile at Euiwoong?
He is angry and then he is doubtful and sad, and then he is calm, and then he collapses into a heap on his bed late at night when Jungyeon is fast asleep, hugging his knees to his chest and chokes on his sobs and subsequently sits up so that his sinuses can clear so that he can breathe again.
It’s been months, and he still thinks, Hyeongseop would. Hyeongseop would.
But whatever Hyeongseop would, Hyeongseop would not be seen in public with Jungyeon. It’s always Euiwoong dropping her off at kindergarten, taking her back home, taking her to other parent friends for play dates, taking her to the park. He’s busy with work. He said so. Euiwoong has never doubted a word, but the people at work and some of their friends shook their heads when Euiwoong explained to them so. He didn’t understand then.
He does now – Taerae told him about a month or so after Hyeongseop left – that day was a work day but Euiwoong took a leave because he did not have the energy and the headspace to work, only enough to drop Jungyeon off at his parents’ and then come to Taerae’s, curl up on the latter’s bed, and cry so much his tears soak through the bedsheet and probably the mattress while Taerae paced the room pleading with him, exasperated voice and tired eyes and hands gesturing in a blur. But he never cared, and he never cares.
“Hello miss,” a voice behind causes them both to turn back.
A stuffed bear is peeking at them from the top of the backrest of the seat. Jungyeon sees only the bear because she is not tall enough. Euiwoong in addition sees a man holding the bear up, ducking behind the backrest. He turns towards Euiwoong when he feels the latter’s eyes on him and holds his index finger against his lips gesturing for Euiwoong to be quiet. Euiwoong tilts his head to a side in thought. This man looks familiar.
Jungyeon eyes the bear in a second of confusion then a smile breaks on her face. She reaches up to take the bear, which the man gives to her.
“Do you always carry a stuffed bear around with you?”
The man shakes his head, looking a little pained. “No, I don’t,” he says, pointing to a mess of paper next to himself on his seat. “This is actually a birthday gift for my friend. I saw your daughter crying for a while now so I decided to do the best I could.”
“Your friend? How old is your friend?”
“Oh, he’s around my age. He likes stuffed animals. He still has them on his bed.”
Euiwoong frowns.
“I know. He’s special, this guy,” the man says. “So yeah I got him this bear because he hasn’t had one like it. He has a lot so I had to really pay attention to find out what he doesn’t have yet so I can buy it,” he rambles on. “I’ll get the same one tomorrow,” he says, nodding at Euiwoong reassuringly.
“I’m so sorry. They already gift wrapped it…can I buy it from you at least?”
The man shakes his head. “Nah it doesn’t cost much. It’s ok. Your daughter stopped crying.”
Euiwoong watches the man as he starts telling Jungyeon a story about how he met and became friends with the bear, when suddenly recognition hits him. “I think we live in the same residential complex.”
The man takes his eyes off Jungyeon, who’s petting the bear’s head, to look up at Euiwoong with narrowed eyes, before his face brightens up in recognition too. “Oh yeah,” he says, nodding too. “I think I saw you a few times in the supermarket. You’re always there super late.”
“You too.”
“Work,” the man says with a brief pout.
“Same,” Euiwoong says and smiles, then turning to the girl next to him, whose eyes are completely dry now. “Say thank you to uncle, honey,” he says.
“Thank you, uncle,” Jungyeon says.
The man gives them both a gentle smile. “You’re welcome. What is your name?”
Jungyeon is silent again, fixated on the stuffed bear. Euiwoong gently nudges her shoulder. “Uncle is asking your name.”
Jungyeon looks up at the man. “My name is Lee-Ahn Jungyeon. And I’m the daughter of Euiwoong and Hyeongseop,” she says, loud and clear.
The words came as a surprise. It’s exactly the way Euiwoong taught her, but he just has not heard them for a while now, since they have not met anyone new recently. Hearing them used to make him beam with pride and happiness but now it makes his heart drop to his stomach.
The man smiles at Jungyeon fondly. “Nice to meet you Jungyeon, daughter of Euiwoong and Hyeongseop.”
“What is your name?” Euiwoong asks.
“Hung,” the man says, holding out a hand, which Euiwoong shakes.
“Hung,” Euiwoong repeats.
“You are – “
“Euiwoong,” Euiwoong says hastily.
“Nice to meet you Euiwoong,” Hung says. “Where is Hyeongseop? Waiting at home for you both?”
Euiwoong doesn’t want it to be awkward, because he knows Hung means well, but he doesn’t want to lie. He glances at Jungyeon, now lost in play talking to the stuffed bear, then turns back to the man.
“No, he’s not,” he says with a low voice, shaking his head. “I’ll explain later.”
The man nods. Euiwoong untwists himself and looks straight ahead. Next to him, Jungyeon is telling the bear not to fuss because daddy is only on a business trip and will come home soon. Euiwoong sighs.
Luckily the street is becoming recognizable, signaling to him that he’s nearing home.
***
“We’ve gone our separate ways. But – “ he glances at Jungyeon again – she is skipping ahead, the stuffed bear snug in the crook of her arm, “I have not really told Jungyeon that. She thinks that he’s on a long business trip. He calls her sometimes. When I tell him to.”
Hung’s mouth is agape – he seems to be trying to find the right words. “I’m…sorry for asking. I do that. I…ask a lot of…questions.”
“It’s ok,” Euiwoong says. “Thank you again.”
They come to stop at the foot of a building when Hung speaks again.
“I live here,” he says. Jungyeon turns on her track to walk back to where the two of them are standing. She holds Euiwoong’s hand and looks up at Hung with big eyes.
Euiwoong nods. Hung pats Jungyeon’s head before looking up at Euiwoong.
"I’ll see you around,” Hung says and smiles, one like sunshine, a stark contrast to this cold night, and exactly what he needs but didn't know he does.
For the first time in months, Euiwoong is not thinking Hyeongseop would.
"I’ll see you around, too."