Work Text:
One thing that really fucking pisses Alex off is that yes, the library is as impressive as Wilford claimed it was.
He whined about it a lot, back on Big Alice where they rattled and shook through the apocalypse and they were grieving the loss of everything they’d ever held dear. Wilford, two drinks in and working on a third, would sit down with all his kingly luxuries, and moan. Think of it, Alex! The last bastion of knowledge in the world, and it’s gone to your wretched mother! Philosophy, art, politics…she’s probably given the books to Third Class to use for bloody kindling, now. Alex remembers listening to that, his hostage audience forced to wait on him while he spun out cigarettes and grievances all night. At one point she snapped, and told him, more like the last bastion of bullshit. Even though Wilford screamed at Alex for her insolence and banished her from the apartment for three days, she felt some satisfaction at what she’d said. Worth it, she thought, curled up in her bunk drawing on her spiral-bound pad. Wilford did eventually bring her back, grudgingly so, but he never stopped talking about the library, and all that was tucked away inside it. As if it was a vault full of gems, guarded by the dragon that was Melanie Cavill.
Now she’s here, seeing it in person again. It’s easier to focus on the beauty of it, now that she’s not forced to keep an eye on the prowling-tiger Wilford lurking in the background. The model Earth hangs from the ceiling, juddering slightly with the motion of the train. The books, the shelves, the table and chair. Wilford’s tiny nest remains in the corner; it still hasn’t been cleaned up. Alex has to walk past it to come inside, and she can smell his cologne and aftershave clinging to that area. It’s an odd smell, purely because of all the memories it elicits. His apartment, his couch, the driver’s seat. His actual bed, even—when he left her in the apartment by herself one time, Alex took that opportunity to roll around all over his sheets. How old was she? Eleven or twelve. She’s not sure why she did it, except that it felt daring and deliciously wrong. A way to invade a Wilford-only space. Alex keeps walking on, and the smell recedes behind her. She’s not here to think about Wilford, anyway. Her mom is standing on a ladder at one of the shelves, hair tied up in its usual no-nonsense bun. “You selecting some reading material for when I’m gone?” Alex asks, coming to a halt at the foot of the ladder.
“No,” Melanie says with a smile. “This is all Wilford. Everything he likes. I’m not really interested in this.”
“Yeah. You’re more into…I don’t know. Car manufacturing manuals.”
Melanie chuckles. “Yeah.” She puts the book back, gingerly coming down the ladder. She’s mostly recovered from her time in the track scaler, but she’s still a bit frail and skinny. Always being careful in case she falls. “So you really want to go?”
Alex knew this question was coming, and she also knows her answer. She nods. “I have to, mom. I…I want to see what’s out there.”
Melanie smiles again, that sort of indulgent-mom smile. “Yeah, I know. You’ve always wanted that.”
Alex feels something twist in her heart, and she gets the odd urge to apologise. “I’m sorry, mom.”
“No,” Melanie responds, her voice immediately forceful. “No, honey, don’t apologise.” She comes closer, laying a hand on Alex’s cheek. “It’s nothing to be sorry for.”
“Yeah, but…we don’t know if it’s safe. And I’ll be leaving you.”
Melanie cracks an ironic smile. Rueful, even. “I don’t think I’m the best judge of that.”
Alex remembers her mom jumping out of the Big Alice cold lock, landing in the snow. Going away for a month. She forces that memory away; even though her mom is here and alive, it’s still too painful. Knowing Melanie was out there at the mercy of Wilford’s kindness. “No. Maybe not.”
Melanie’s hand withdraws, and she stays silent for a moment before she asks, “Can I hold you a second?”
It’s a question, not a command. As if by virtue of asking, Melanie already expects that it might be denied. Six months ago, Alex probably would have refused, in her prickly abandoned-teenager way. Flung some hurtful words in her mom’s direction just to make sure it really stung. Of course she has no desire for that now. Alex isn’t sure what to say in return, so all she does is draw her mom into an embrace. Melanie lets out the tiniest watery sigh, and her returned hug is so tight Alex feels like she’ll be crushed with it. She’s imagined this moment, many times; both on Big Alice and then on the pirate train. Hugging her mom again. Melanie feels like a baby bird, but it’s always been that way. Even under the bulky cold suit she felt small and wispy, as if a strong wind might pick her up and carry her away. Melanie is still warm, though. She’s still warm and strong and she smells just like she used to, and the realisation of that is almost enough to break Alex’s resolve. I changed my mind, I want to stay with you, like a little kid going into the pool by themselves for the first time. Only the promise of New Eden is enough to stop all that bursting forth like a geyser. Alex holds her mom a little tighter, and it’s only then she realises that Melanie is crying. Softly, but shedding tears nonetheless. “Mom—“
“I’m sorry,” Melanie sobs, withdrawing and wiping her eyes with her sleeve. She looks a lot more vulnerable this way, with tears in her eyes and her nose beginning to run. “I promised myself I wouldn’t make it harder for you.”
Alex doesn’t know what to say to that; agreement would be callous, and a rebuttal would sound hollow. “I don’t mind,” she eventually says, awkwardly. Years of living with Wilford have made her slightly nervous whenever it comes to open emotion. She cannot remember ever seeing Wilford cry, even though she spent seven years in his personal space. Maybe he wasn’t capable of it. “You can’t convince me not to go.”
“No. You’ve always been stubborn. Always going after everything you want.” Melanie sighs. “I’m just sorry, Alex. For everything.”
Alex feels her own tears building up. “Mom, it’s okay,” she says, her voice breaking now.
“No, honey, it isn’t. It never was.” Melanie wipes her nose this time; she’s going to need to scrub that sleeve with bleach, Alex thinks. Consequence of doing all of Wilford’s laundry. “I’m sorry about earlier, for…taking over the train. For breaking your trust again.”
“You had to do it,” Alex whispers. “I get that now.”
Melanie shakes her head. “Goddamn it, Alex. You shouldn’t have to get it.” Then she comes back and draws Alex into her arms again. How long do they stand there for? Alex isn’t sure. They have hours until she has to be back at Big Alice, and more hours than that until the junction. They don’t have to rush this at all. Luckily by the time they separate again, Melanie has calmed down. “I packed you a bag, too,” she says, her voice a little steadier now. Maybe now that she’s back to all business, she’s finding it easier to talk. “I…I don’t know. There’s probably way too many socks, and I gave you my puffy vest, but…I wanted to do that for you.”
It’s Alex’s turn to sigh, this time. Even after everything Melanie still finds it way too easy to revert back to the overprotective mom persona. “I’m not going to summer camp, mom.”
Melanie chuckles. “No. You aren’t.” She takes a step back, worriedly wringing her hands. She’s not Melanie Cavill anymore, self-possessed head engineer. Now she just looks unsure. “Can we sit on the armchairs, maybe? It’s weird to stand.”
“Sure, mom. Whatever you want.” Alex has seen the chairs there, but she’s never spent any real time in them. Not while Audrey was here, spooling out her long catalogue of venom, dripping into Alex with her forked-tongue whispers. That reminds Alex that she hasn’t seen the older woman in a while—not that she cares. Audrey was part of Wilford, and she wouldn’t give half a flying toss if she never saw either of them again. Melanie takes a heavy seat on the biggest chair, and Alex is about to take the one next to it when Melanie says, “Sit with me?”
Oh. She wants to cuddle. Alex obliges, for once glad that they’re both slim and small. She snuggles against her mom, and Melanie truly seems to melt. “I’m here, mom,” she says quietly, feeling her mom’s arms go around her.
“I know.” A kiss to her hair. “I’m so proud of you, Alex. You know that, right?”
Alex feels her heart twist; the way her mom says that sounds genuine. Wilford used to express pride in her, but it sounded disingenuous, self-serving. As if he was only proud of her as an extension of himself, which was most likely the case. She was nothing but a pawn to him, at the end of the day. A way to stick it to her mom. “I know, mom. I know.”
“And…it’s not Wilford that made you that way. You also know that, right?” Melanie gently runs a hand through Alex’s hair. “You’re still…good and kind, somehow. How you’ve kept that safe from him I’ll never know, but…you’re still you. You’re still my Allie.” Alex doesn’t feel the need to respond to that. It’s enough to just be here, safe in the bubble of her mom’s love. She’ll need it, if she’s about to go to New Eden in a few hours. “I’ve done so much for this train, and I regret it now. Remember that, Alex. Sometimes it’s not the right thing to do.”
“But you kept everyone alive,” Alex says, listening to the easy rhythm of her mom’s heart.
“Yeah. It wasn’t worth it, though. Wasn’t worth everything I put you through, or…losing you.” Melanie sighs. “I know it’s not good to just wallow on these things, but if I could do anything differently I’d wait for you.”
Alex can imagine what would have happened then. Wilford would have been able to make it back onto the train. Snowpiercer would have become a larger Big Alice, ruled under its creator’s iron fist. All of them slowly crushed under Wilford’s indomitable weight. “Then Wilford would have been here the entire time.”
“Yeah, but you’d be here too. And that would be more than enough.” Melanie kisses Alex’s hair again, and they fall silent. They haven’t really hugged like this, not since before the Freeze. Alex hasn’t really hugged anyone like this. Wilford was not exactly a cuddly person—unless he was drunk, and by that point Alex wanted to be anywhere other than in his presence. He could get out all his desperation for human contact with someone other than her. She still remembers sitting in the driver’s seat, listening to music with the sliding doors closed, trying her best to ignore the orgiastic frenzy going on behind the frosted glass. Alex won’t tell her mom about that, as much as she wants to. It’ll only make things worse. Make Melanie feel more guilty. It’s nice to be held like this, anyway. To not have any pretence of not needing anyone. To just be a teenager with her mom. Alex tries to think about what to say, but she can’t come up with anything. Whatever she could say, they already know. Unspoken. It may very well be the last time she gets to do this, so she should just enjoy it. The train is slowly rocking back and forth and there’s nowhere to be. Alex breathes in and out. Even though she’ll be leaving the train soon, it doesn’t seem to matter. She has this moment, and that’s enough for now. It’s more than she considered possible, anyway.