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It was one in the afternoon when Seoham saw him. In his faded pink t-shirt and jeans, a hand clutching his manager's arm. He was a familiar face somewhere he had seen around the music industry. But they had never talked before. He didn’t know that Jaechan would be someone more than just a familiar face, a friend, a best friend.
His first love.
It was only after three years into their friendship had Seoham started thinking about it. About love. Particularly, about loving someone. He had loved before. He loves his friends and families. But this was different. He knew that it is, because he could never quite imagine himself loving someone romantically. But he had never met someone like Jaechan, like his aegi. So, of course, it was only natural that he had never felt something like this for someone. Because he had never loved someone like him.
So he thought about it as he laid in his bed with Jaechan next to him. Jaechan had fallen asleep quickly, mumbling that he felt like a dead person. Seoham had tucked him in because that’s what best friends do. Apparently, best friends also give good night kisses. Seoham winced when he thought about the feeling of his own lips touching Jaechan’s baby soft skin. It was his first time kissing someone outside of acting. It felt so intimate and soft and it’s making him feel things that he wasn't quite sure he wanted to know.
Seoham recounts the times he had looked over at Jaechan and marveled at him. Jaechan was known to many to be beautiful, and so, so cute. He would not ever admit it even if someone had tied him to an iron chair. But, during nights like this, where the only music he hears is Jaechan’s soft breathing graced with a view of Jaechan’s features in the dim orange light, Seoham knows he’s lost a battle he didn’t know that had started.
In the following years later, specifically in their third year of friendship was when things started to sour. Jaechan was busy with filming and his music. Seoham was the same. There was simply no time to dwell on a love that could never be. (Oh, what a lie!) Apart from some events where they would coincidentally attend together, Seoham barely met with Jaechan. But Jaechan is a force to be reckoned with. He had called him out one night over a video call. Seoham remembered being surprised when he took the call. Jaechan didn’t even greet him when the screen showed his face. Seoham didn’t say anything either. For a minute or two, they had stared at each other silently as static filled their empty homes. His eyes slowly looked at Jaechan’s face as if he saw him for the first time, pale skin, the knit between his eyebrows, the mole on his nose that he adores. And another spot on his temple, he adores that too. He commits every detail to his memory as if this was the last time they would see each other again. He notes the way his cheekbones looked more prominent, the cheeks that had become leaner. ‘He has lost weight again,’ Seoham thought quietly to himself.
“Hyung! Why haven’t you called me?” He questioned Seoham with a serious face. “You dare to ghost me for a month!” he continued to chastise. But his tone had turned whinier, and a pout had formed, full pink lips jutting forward. Seoham wanted to reach over and caress it with his thumb. If only technology were advanced enough.
Oh, what the hell. He wanted to caress his lips with his tongue, bite it until it bleeds and suck him until it’s sore and swollen. Seoham pushes that thought away. He doesn’t want to think about what he wants to do to Jaechan, or rather with him. Not when his first love was looking at him like that, only him.
Seoham laughs softly instead as he moves to place his phone against a heavy vitamin bottle on his desk. He settles in his chair and smiles at Jaechan. “We were too busy,” he simply said, but it sounded like an excuse. From the look on Jaechan’s face, he probably thought so too.
Seoham waves a hand at him to dissolve any of Jaechan's thoughts. “I’m kidding,” Seoham says as he rests his chin on his knee. Jaechan looks at him silently. The pout was no longer present. It was instead replaced with a smile he usually reserves for private moments like this. Moments with Seoham.
He covers his hand over his mouth as he speaks, “I know you’re busy with filming. It’s alright.” Jaechan’s eyes fell to it but quickly flitted back to connect their eyes again.
Jaechan shook his head. His hair moved along, falling into his eyes. He hastily brushed it away but it fell back into place almost as quickly. Seoham clenches his hand that was under the desk into a fist. He could imagine himself brushing Jaechan’s hair out of his eyes, over and over again. He’s done it before. When Jaechan had come over to his place to work on his paper. Seoham had run his fingers over Jaechan’s silky soft hair hundreds of times that night. Seoham could still feel it slipping from his fingers.
Jaechan sighs and rests his head on his palm. He looked tired, but Seoham didn’t want the call to end yet. Not when they’ve only exchanged five sentences with each other. Not when Jaechan was looking at him like this. He reaches over and takes a screenshot, smiling. Jaechan yawns just in time. He smiles.
Seoham knows that it’s time to end the call. “Go to sleep, aegi,” he says quietly as if Jaechan was beside him. Jaechan shook his head, adamant to stay awake, but his eyelids kept on drooping.
Seoham chuckles softly. He takes another screenshot. “Jaechan? Go to bed,” he says again. Jaechan looks at him with a dazed look.
“Come on,” he coaxes. “Let’s go to bed, ae—’ Seoham stops himself before he could finish the word. Luckily, Jaechan was on the brink of falling asleep. He calms himself and repeats. “Let’s go to bed, Jaechan-ah.”
Jaechan nods this time and sluggishly moves out of his seat to the bed beside it. Seoham settles himself on his bed and props his phone against one of his pillows. He turns on his side to look at Jaechan who was copying him.
“Don’t end the call yet,” he mumbles with eyes slowly closing.
Seoham moves himself closer to the screen. “Why?”
Jaechan’s eyes were already closed when he spoke. “Because I want to sleep with you.”