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Phoenix should be long over those days.
It’s quite ridiculous, really. He was looking forward to having a nice rest after a long day of investigative work. The emotions swimming in his head were completely inconsistent to what he should be feeling. Trial was tomorrow; he did not have time to deal with any personal matters when the next day was the final day for him to get the verdict he knew his client deserved. There wasn’t any reason for him to feel anything…
Except, maybe there was.
During the investigation, a new potential route came to light surrounding the relationship between one of the witnesses and the victim. Phoenix was not sure about how it all connected yet, but he knew it would be clearer during the trial. However, he wasn’t scared about how he couldn’t connect it before the trial. The route itself carried undertones that he did not want to explore anytime soon, but he knew once he was in the courtroom it would all be unveiled. It would have to be unveiled in order for his case to come out stronger than the prosecution’s and yet, Phoenix couldn’t help the emotions he was drowning in upon discovering its ironic nature.
He was once in a similar situation, after all.
When he returned home, Trucy seemed to retire early for the night - earlier than usual, that is. He didn’t have the energy in him to stay up any longer than he already did, so he went towards his room to undress and then went to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Once that had been done and he dealt with any additional business, he went to check on Trucy, gave her a kiss on the forehead like the doting parent he is, and then returned to his bedroom where he then should be able to drift off to a dreamless sleep.
Phoenix Wright has a history of having terrible luck.
It should be no surprise that despite having lived his biggest nightmare, it would still seep into him psychologically. It would still continue to harm him deep where he brushed it off, deep where he couldn’t think to reach or he would break. He did what he did best - hide. Phoenix Wright hid everything behind a large wall in his heart and mind, carved around a deep abyss with oceanic features and it still managed to crumble from within, swallowing everything but not himself. He was surprised he did not explode yet.
He never claimed to be a strong man. He just hated that he wasn’t strong enough even after all this time.
He knew the days where Kristoph tormented his family & himself were long over. He knew Kristoph would no longer be a threat to him - he had gone to him the day of his execution and it did not feel as great as it should have to watch life slip from his eyes despite everything he had done to him. He knew the days where Kristoph manipulated Klavier, Apollo and himself were not going to happen ever again. He knew Klavier was coping with everything terribly and would give him support and Apollo had taken everything Phoenix advised with a lot of scrutiny, but Phoenix would never accept anything from his juniors. Phoenix ignored the looks of concern Athena and Trucy would give him. Days where even Apollo had tried to corner him were moments where he realised he was becoming more vulnerable and he needed to bring his walls up even higher. Those days were often the worst as everyone in the Wright Anything Agency had perceptive powers that made a part of him fear for his own privacy.
Phoenix knew he had so many questions that could never be answered, and he was not about to ask Maya to channel someone who he was confident to call an abuser. Kristoph was awfully cryptic; Phoenix had to be on a worse scale during those times to hide what he was doing.
He never considered how it would deeply harm him after.
So, when Phoenix jolted out into a sitting position, breathing heavily with his chin on his knees and tears cascading down in streams, he knew he was in for deep shit. He knew he took everything too far and his mental state could not handle it anymore. He knew he couldn’t get out of his own mind; the dark feelings that he felt during the 7 years he had that meant he had to live in poverty, to try maintain his own mental wellbeing, and to be in complete disarray over the law that he respected and dedicated his career to just for that to be thrown at him in the face like an abrupt tsunami and drag him away into the depths. He had to live with the knowledge that someone he considered a respectable friend was out for his life and found joy in watching him fall deeper into his own demise. He did not know how terrible he could feel about his life until that very moment.
It’s like it finally began to register that for over a decade, his life has had so many fucked up moments that his brain switched off the ability to think about them. He didn’t realise how shoving everything to the back of his mind in order to forget only made the oceanic abyss in his mind become greedier to swallow everything he considered important. To swallow the very parts that he was once proud of. He could barely recognise who he is in the mirror of his own home at times and jokes he made about these would make the juniors react very strongly in worry for him and his mental health.
He knew that if he did not find a way to help himself, there was no telling on what he could do. And boy, was that the scariest thought he ever had in his entire life.
There shouldn’t be any reason for him to reach for his phone in a dazed panic, breathing coming off wildly as he struggled to maintain the tears that kept falling down his cheeks in waves. The automatic way his fingers immediately sped-dialled the one person he cared for so much should be embarrassing. He didn’t give a fuck in that moment and the very confused and voice drowning in fatigue calling him by his given name should not have made him immediately sob in hysterics.
Miles Edgeworth was an easy enough man to understand once you brought a Phoenix Wright to decipher things he did or said that were less obvious. The way Phoenix heard a shuffle and a clearer “What’s wrong, Phoenix?” meant the absolute world to him at that moment. Edgeworth was giving him his full attention despite being tired. Edgeworth had picked up his phone call in one ring, which had implications he did not feel like exploring at that very moment. Edgeworth had used his given name to address the situation.
Even though he has known this for years - back when they were nine years old and naïve to the world’s cruelty and Edgeworth had tried to bandage Phoenix after he had fallen and earned himself a scrape on the knee - it was still very jarring to see all the indirect (and very direct) ways Miles cared about him.
Because of this, he felt the floods break free from his mind.
He couldn’t speak and Miles did not speak either. Shuffling noises were heard and he was most certainly extremely concerned for his friend of many years but he let Phoenix cry out everything in his system for he knew he needed it. Phoenix Wright - the enigma. The man that defied the laws of everything on this earth to save the people he cared for and save Miles from going into a direct pathway to Hell and yet couldn’t find the time to care for himself. Phoenix Wright - the man who would laugh in your face about one thing and secretly hurt about it. Phoenix Wright - the man who did the most reckless shit Miles has ever known anyone to do and still think he isn’t good enough.
The man who is cared for by all but himself.
When Phoenix finally found it in him to speak more coherently, Miles quickly accepted the request that he had received. He changed his life and chartered a plane for this man - he would do anything for him.
It should never be a surprise to see Edgeworth at the Wright’s residence. He often stayed until very late when they both had cases that required the other’s input so that they could hear (and argue about) alternative ways of thinking. But under these circumstances, it was a concerning matter. The door had swung open for barely a second and Phoenix immediately had latched onto his old friend, sobbing into his shoulder and shaking like he had come out of icy waters. Miles, the good friend that he is, tried to bring them both inside so that they both could go into his room and Phoenix never thought he would love the man more than he did.
“I’m so sorry for this, Miles.” Phoenix’s hands never left his friend’s shoulders and Miles didn’t pry them off either. He opted to bring one hand to his back and move it in a clockwise pattern to soothe him and Phoenix tried to focus on the sensations as he spoke. He dreamt of a time where he was all alone in his mind. In the middle of his shift at the Borscht Bowl Club where Kristoph had come to watch his favourite puppet drown in his own misery. Those days were the absolute worst and it’s why he laid off any alcoholic drink nowadays, but Kristoph managed to get him to drink until he forgot everything - Trucy, Miles, his previous profession, his life up until that point - until he only saw Kristoph as the only relevant person in his life. And wasn’t it almost like that, in reality? Kristoph had never made him forget about Trucy or Miles, but he was very successful in getting him to stop thinking about himself.
He was successful in getting Phoenix to despise his own existence.
Phoenix described that he tried to float into the surface again but to no avail - he lost everything and his own purpose. Everyone deserted him and he deserved it because he deserted them. Kristoph manoeuvred him into a corner where he was then able to drain him full of his own sense of life and security until the only thought he could think of was how to end everything. He thought lakes were symbolic - the eventual agreement that this is how your life will meet your end seemed to be a quickly accepted thought in his nightmare and it was painful for him to admit that it was very much still a thought he had.
“It pains me to say this but sometimes I wonder that if Trucy never gave me a purpose, if Trucy never existed at all and Zak had just left the trial and left me to deal with everything that transpired with nothing left of his, would I still be here? Trucy is my personification of light and I can’t imagine life without her. She made me realise things I loved about life but my brain is such a horrible place to be in, so I shut things off in desperation to keep my sanity. I remember how distraught I was when I came home from that meeting. I had Trucy with me - she was exhausted and depressed and I showed her my room and let her rest while I sat there on the couch and Miles.” Phoenix looks up at his friends to see that his friend was already looking at him. Tears that want to drop down like crystal rain never leave his eyes and it’s what prompts Miles to finally use his other hand for something, wiping those tears that don’t deserve their place on his face.
Phoenix clearly remembers that time. He didn’t feel like reality had sunk in at all and he was completely still. He knew he was disassociating and he knew that whatever was holding him was on the brink of falling apart. It had terrified him then and it still did now.
“Miles, the scariest thing is I just wanted to die. I still want to die. My brain’s always convincing me that my life is hardly worth anything and to feel like the only purpose I have is what’s present before me - I’m a father, I’m a boss, I have friends. I want to refute these thoughts so badly. I know they can’t be true - there’s more to me surely. But my life as a lawyer was spent with so much of me pushing my limits and exceeding them that I’m unsure. And during those seven years? I was a monster. I felt like I barely contacted you or Maya. I didn’t know where my morals were. I felt like I had to cheat in order to win. Cheating brought the result I wanted, but now my subordinate’s relationship with me isn’t always the best. I feel like I’ve become more jaded than ever and I don’t like this person. I don’t like myself. I don’t like who I’ve become in that time. I don’t like after all this time, these thoughts still plague me and I just drown them out because the last thing I want is for anyone to fucking worry. ”
At this, Miles closed his eyes and let the information process in his mind for a time. He still ensured to keep his friend secure in his lap while he comforted him, but he knew that Phoenix was done speaking and was waiting on what he wanted to say.
Miles did not know how to tackle delicate topics (he was not the best at tackling his own hence why he went to a therapist), but for Phoenix Wright, he would attempt anything.
“I’m grateful that you opened up to me about this, Phoenix. It has been a long horrific time for you, hasn’t it?” he began and Phoenix nodded, a whimper escaping him and Miles felt his heart shatter.
“Phoenix, you’re adored by many - do not give me that doubtful look. I am not one to jest when I state this. It is a delicate topic. You have the tendency to give your affections out to the people you care for and have none of it when it’s your own being. Those years that we had spent apart were terrible. Every year I wished to be able to stay longer when I visited and of course I knew you were not in the right state to handle many affairs at once. You were disbarred unlawfully - what that can do to a man is visible right here. Phoenix.” Miles felt himself bringing his hand that was wiping Phoenix’s tears to caress his cheek. “Who you were in the past? Embrace it.”
At this, Phoenix looked affronted. “What do you mean-“
“Please, let me explain. You have spent most of your life ever since we reconciled to fight for everyone within your vicinity. You saved Maya countless times, you have saved the lives of many others. You have saved my own. Your acts that go into these events could be labelled as extremely reckless and concerning. You went into Blucorp and had gotten yourself assaulted by White. You were ganged up on by the ‘bodyguards’ Dee Vasquez hired and managed to get Maya out of that situation but left yourself in it. You went days without rest so that you could find Maya. I recall that I had to force you to eat and sleep. You fell off a burning bridge, landed yourself with god awful back pains and still found yourself investigating with a cold not long after it. I will not get into how you were like when you wanted to prove my innocence. You do realise that is a form of self-harm?”
“The reason why I am telling you to embrace it is to acknowledge the differences. You did so much without a care for your own life previously but now you consider things thoroughly before landing an action that could have hurt you before. Your prior years of parenting had meant that Trucy was able to grow in the hands of a good man, and not in the unreliable hands of the foster care system. You’re attentive to the feelings of your subordinates and you know that you have a relationship you want to fix with Apollo. You being able to ensure that Trucy’s life is safe by asking if you both could visit me speaks volumes about your character, Phoenix. Your days are not defined by the manipulation you had to endure because you were being abused. They are not your fault. Kristoph had put you and everyone you know to be involved with him in a box and was trying to take away everything you all cared for. It was sheer entertainment for him. That time was a horrific time for you all and you all coped differently, but there are consequences for the routes you take with your actions. You know this now, and I’m glad. This evidence of you crying to me is proof he did not get you in the way he thought, but he still managed to break you. This is a starting point - acknowledging everything you were in the past and in the current stage of your life. It’s one of the steps of being able to heal.”
Phoenix was silent and Miles felt like he could continue, bringing his hand on Phoenix’s back to now stroke at his hair.
“We love you so much for what you have done for us. You’re an outstanding father; you dedicated and still dedicate so much time and effort into making sure Trucy grows up to be the wonderful woman she is today. You’re a very good boss and you always look over your subordinates. When we worry for you, we don’t come from a place of pity - we want to be able to understand you. We want to know what is going on because we care about you. You have made significant changes to your life but that is because the pressing and troubling circumstances have forced you into that position. You had to become someone you weren’t familiar with and thus, created a situation for yourself where you are now unsure about the person you are. Phoenix, in my eyes you are my light - you have given me ample opportunity to improve and you understand me when others do not. You have shown me that things in my life do matter and it was only because of this that I felt I could rectify my wrongs and come back to you a stronger man. Kristoph may have attempted to take you for all that you are, but you will forever be the same Phoenix Wright that I, as well as everyone else, love and respect. You’re not a monster and your life is worth so much more than you know. It’ll take time to see everything we see, but I have good faith that we will get to that stage because you deserve happiness. You deserve being cared for. You deserve to smile that smile that we all love. You deserve to be trusted and be able to trust. You deserve to have everything good life has to offer for us all because you have been so unbelievably good to us all.”
It’s funny how life works. You’re so trapped in your own bubble that the moment you hear anything positive surrounding your own being, you start to get emotional. That uncomfortable heavy weight like a whirlpool in your chest and throat becomes loosened and you feel everything get released with it. The tears that leave Phoenix can be described as rivers - could be described as oceans or seas.
But he finally feels seen. He finally feels like there is a point to begin with. He knows that there will be future discussions with Trucy and then the subordinates. He knows that Miles will recommend therapy as he still attends years later. But, all of that will come up as a future discussion and he would rather be comforted by the very presence his friend always managed to give him one way or another. His hand in his hair and his tight hold meant that for the first time in a very long time, he finally felt more hope. The seas in his mind looked like they had a way to slowly dry until they were enough for a single teardrop.
And all it took was for him to open up the floodgates.