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When he heard about Chay not doing his interview for the university, he could feel something akin to panic sweeping through him. The feeling is unfamiliar to him, he is Kim Kimhan Theerapanyunkul he does NOT panic, thank you very much. But hearing that the young boy who had weaseled himself into Kim’s heart is currently throwing his dream away does surprising things to him.
His first instinct is to find Chay, to force answers out of him. Why on earth would he do that to himself? Chay has proven over and over to him that music is his one and only dream besides pleasing his older brother. So why would he just give up on that?
Upon further thinking Kim realises that haunting Chay down now is not his best bet if he considers their last encounter. All too present is the moment he saw something in Chay’s eyes in his mind. All too present is his question – Have you ever loved me? - and the sad eyes when he didn’t respond. All too present are the sobs he heard when he left the mansion. All too present is the feeling of disgust he felt towards himself when walking away from Chay. At the moment he thought he’d be fine. He was doing the right thing. He was protecting Chay from his world. He was doing what he had to in order to keep the boy he finds himself falling for safe. But he did not anticipate this absolute crappy feeling. He did not expect to feel disgusted at himself, he did not expect to feel like his heart was being ripped out of his chest and stomped upon. He did not expect to feel as useless and helpless as he’d only ever felt when Tankhun was kidnapped and he was just a young child, too helpless to do a thing.
So yes, Chay probably does not want to see him. And Kim tries to go on about his day, attempting to ban every little thought about him. He sits down next to his friends, hears them joke around. Why did he disappear? Bim steals a bit of food from their partner across from them. The kid that you tutored. Nat just smiles and smacks her food out of their hand. He didn’t come in for an interview exam. His friends laugh together as they end up sharing their food. He didn’t come in for an interview exam. He doesn’t notice when Bim nudges his shoulder to get his attention. He didn’t come in for an interview exam. Why did he disappear? He didn’t come in for an interview exam. He didn’t come in for an interview exam. He didn’t-
“Ai’Kim?” Bim punches lightly against his shoulder now. “Are you alright?” They question their friend. It is rather unusual for Kim to come to class but this behaviour is by far more strange than pretty much anything he has done so far. Never before has Bim seen their friend zoned out like this. They don’t get to ask again as Kim suddenly jumps up, gathers his belongings and runs off. Nat only shrugs her shoulders as they look at her confused, it’s Kim after all.
Shortly after, Kim finds himself in front of the family mansion, a place he hates going to more than anything. Being in this place always washes a wave of loneliness, of not belonging and of helplessness over him. And now, as he walks through the entrance, another feeling is added to the normal mix: regret.
Immediately he finds himself surrounded by a bunch of bodyguards and other staff, all asking about the reason for his appearance and how they can assist him. He doesn’t care for any of them. This is not why he is here.
“Tell Arm to meet with me as soon as he can.” The tone of his voice is a clear indicator that someone should better hurry and tell Arm to meet Khun Kim right now.
Not even two minutes later Kim and Arm stand in front of “Arms chamber” as the bodyguards have gotten around to call the room in which they store all the technical devices, tracking material and so on. No one but Arm has a key, not even Kinn and Tankhun do. Arm is sure that Khun Korn as well as maybe Chan have a key but they are yet to make use of it so he’s not too bothered by that.
“Arm. Can you track Porschay for me?” While he is sure that confronting Chay might not be his best bet right now he just has to know if he is okay. Has to see with his own eyes that the younger boy is safe. Has to ensure he is not in any kind of trouble.
“Porschay? As in Porsche’s younger brother?” Kim nods, there aren’t that many Porschays in this world he could possibly want to track. “I can track his phone. We had to promise Porsche and Khun Kinn that we wouldn’t do anything to be able to track Chay just like that.” Screw Porsche and his overprotective older brother senses. Kim just nods, Chay has his phone on him at all times anyways.
Within two minutes, in which Kim has not stopped glaring at Arm’s computer even once, Arm finally smiles, pleased with himself. “I got him, Khun Kim. Would you like me to share his location on your phone?” He just pointedly glares at Arm who nods, already used to the rude antics of the youngest Theerapanyunkul brother.
“Thanks P’Arm. Really, thank you.” Now that is a surprise. Arm does not remember ever being thanked by Kim, much less being called P’Arm since he started working for the Theerapanyunkuls 14 years ago. When he was a new bodyguard, hardly 19 years old, Kim was a sweet boy of eight years who called him P’Arm and followed him around, entirely fascinated with the man. And then Tankhun got kidnapped and Kim slowly turned into the same man that is now rushing out of the mansion again.
Only when he is in front of his motorcycle he checks his phone to look at the location Arm has sent. What the fuck is Chay doing at a bar of all possible places? What is his precious, sweet, shy, innocent Chay doing at such a place? For a second his brain stops working as he registers that his concerned thoughts have just claimed Chay as his but frankly, he has better things to worry about, so he jumps on his motorcycle and definitely breaks some speed limits as he rushes towards the bar in which Chay is supposed to be located.
As expected he gets in with ease, his family name definitely has advantages even if he hates more than anything to be associated with those people. Walking through the bar he can’t help but register how unserious everything looks. There is some dirt in the corner, across the room it looks like there’s mold and the bartender definitely just handed this one guy a little package that looks like it contains drugs. Why did Chay have to choose a place like this for his first bar experience?
Finally,,, finally his eyes land on Chay who is sitting in a booth surrounded by friends. He doesn’t look endangered too much as he is sitting there, drinking his alcohol which he does not seem to like all too much. But dislike of the taste doesn’t mean immediate danger thus Kim just stays there, slightly hidden and observes. He might’ve not been able to do the right thing before but now he can and will keep Chay safe. He will make sure he doesn’t get weird drinks, that he doesn’t get too wasted, that his friends take care of him. That he is safe. The more Chay drinks the less stable he looks, slightly unsure on his legs and a bit more clumsy than usual but not bad enough for Kim to interfere, he judges. He nods in approval as they hand Chay water, at least he won’t have that bad of a hangover the next day. Chay’s friend gets up, wanting to drag Chay with him and Kim already wants to hide and let the two go without running into him. He doesn’t want to do this to Chay. But then another of Chay’s friends pulls out a little package from his pockets that looks suspiciously like the package the bartender handed over to another guy earlier.
As the guy motions to put a pill in Chay’s mouth, Kim starts running towards them. Abso-fucking-lutely not! He’s not about to let anyone drug his Chay! With a swift kick he removes the pill from the near distance of Chay’s mouth, ignoring his shocked expression. He fights off any of the guys that try to charge at him, having only Chay’s safety in mind. He will probably get in trouble with his father later on but right now, he does not care. All he cares about is Chay and the boy’s safety.
To his luck the guy seems to recognize Kim and comes to the conclusion that it is best not to fight with him more than he already has. He grabs Chay’s wrist, careful to not hurt him further than he already has and drags him off, entirely ignoring his shocked “P’Kim!” Chay can fight him off later, punish him in any way he sees fit even if only he is safe.
“Why are you here?” Because I care. He can’t bring himself to say it out loud.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” He asks instead, immediately hating himself for how angry he sounds. Well, one more thing to put on the list.
“What I’m doing is my business.” This shouldn’t hurt as much as it does.
“Why are you doing this?” Because I love you Chay. He doesn’t say that either.
“I’ve never messed with you.” You messed with my heart. He doesn’t say any of it.
“Don’t mess with my business!” His heart breaks.
“I- Chay, I’m sorry I can’t do what you ask.” He opts to say, trying to not let Chay’s angry face get to him. He has never seen him look so pissed, so angry, so mad. Kim did that. He wants to punch himself, he deserves that and so much more.
“Why can’t you leave me alone?” “Because I care!” He says it this time. It simply bursts out of him, along with the tears that roll out of his eyes. He can’t even stop them. How absolutely pathetic he feels. Chay doesn’t say a word anymore, he just looks at the crying Kim in shock. Never before has he seen Kim like this, so broken.
“Just,,, let me take you home? Please?” He is almost begging at this point, not even caring that Chay is seeing all the vulnerability he tried to hide. “You can hate me again afterwards, okay? Just,,, let me take care of you for a bit?” He looks into Chay’s eyes, full of hope and adoration, trying to blink his tears away.
“Okay.” Immediately Kim quiets down, looking at him with wide open eyes. “Okay, you can bring me home.” Immediately after Chay agrees, Kim pulls him in his arms, holding him close. “Thank you.”
After a lot of coaxing from Chay, Kim finally lets go of him in order for him to drive Chay home. In front of his motorcycle they get into a short discussion about who should drive as Chay claims Kim to be too emotional to drive right now and Kim claims Chay to be too drunk to drive right now. Eventually Kim brings up the very valid point of Chay not having a drivers licence which does settle the argument rather quickly.
As soon as they enter the house, Kim rushes into the kitchen to get him a glass of water after asking Chay to get changed into sleeping clothes. After a few minutes he walks up to Chay’s room, knocking at the door. He assumes it is safe now to check up on him without invading his privacy.
“You can come in, P’Kim.” He immediately follows the call. He stops in his tracks as he sees how absolutely adorable Chay looks in the mismatched pyjamas, the top half being pink with bunny prints and the bottom half a light green. The clothes are a bit too big, making Chay look even smaller in them. Kim wants to hug and cuddle him and never let go.
“Here, drink some water.” He hands him the glass, carefully observing as Chay sips from the glass.
“You kept them”, Kim says in awe as his eyes fall on the wall full of his pictures. Fondly he remembers the moment when Chay shyly led him into his room and he pretended to see the pictures for the first time. Chay had been so shy, fumbling with his sweater paws and hiding his face as Kim looked over each carefully. He had smiled at Chay and told him how cute he is and had kissed his forehead softly, turning Chay into a blushing mess.
“Yeah” Chay now looks at the pictures as well, a blush creeping on his face all over again. “I wanted to throw them out, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that.” “Thank you for keeping them,” Kim smiles at him. “It really means a lot to me.”
“P’Kim?” “Hmh?” He answers and fully turns his head to Chay now, dividing all of his attention to him. “You haven’t answered my question yet - why did you come?”
“Because I was scared.” Chay looks at him in confusion which he really can’t blame him for. “I was scared something happened to you. I was scared you weren’t safe when I was told you’re missing. Because I care about you.” Kim takes a deep breath and looks Chay right in the eyes. “Because I love you, Chay.”
“You- You what?” Chay looks at him like he can’t believe what he is saying. Like his whole world is crumbling down and he is happy about it. Like someone just announced his favourite dessert would be served every day from now on. “I love you, Chay. I really, really do. And I am so sorry I hurt you, you did not deserve any of that.”
“Then why did you?” The pain Kim is feeling right now is worse than the time he got stabbed. Or the time he got shot. Or the time someone tried to slice him open. “I wanted to keep you safe.”
“What do you mean?” “Look,,, Chay,,,” He stammers, unable to find the right words. “I,,, I will explain it to you, alright? But right now you are drunk and I don’t want you to forget parts and bits, alright?” Chay looks at his hands, slowly fiddling with them. “You’re avoiding answering again.”
“I’m not. Chay I will answer every single question you might have, I promise you. Just,,, when you’re sober, yeah?” Chay nods sadly as he looks up at Kim again. “Why don’t you tell me now and fill gaps if I forget them?” “Because I am not strong enough”
“Any question?” “Every single one, as good as I can, I promise.” Chay nods slightly before leaning up a bit and softly kissing away the tear stains on Kim’s cheeks. “I’ll hold you to that P’Kim.”
After sitting a few minutes in silence, both yearning for the other's closeness, a little yawn escapes Chay which immediately makes Kim giggle. “Let’s get you to bed, yeah?” Chay just nods sleepily as Kim carefully tucks him in, adjusting the blanket on top of him overly careful.
“Do you want me to leave?” “If you do, you'll run away and avoid my questions again.” “I won’t.”
“Stay.”
When Chay awakes the next morning, he can feel a little wave of panic flooding over him when he can't see Kim anywhere. Right after he’s hit with sadness,,, he was so sure Kim wouldn’t leave. He really shouldn’t have trusted him, ever. However, those feelings subside rather quickly as he hears someone rummaging around in the kitchen.
Almost automatically he gets up and walks down the stairs. He is greeted with the sight of Kim frying something in a pan and the pure domesticy of the situation, combined with Kim’s ethereal beauty makes him smile warmly. He had only woken up with Kim in the house two times before and neither time had felt even nearly as magical as this moment. Honestly, Chay can’t even explain why. They are both dressed casually, Kim still wearing his clothes from the day before and Chay not having changed out of his pyjamas yet, in addition to the headache that is starting to form,,, but it still feels magical.
As if he can sense where Chay is, Kim immediately turns around, waving at him. Chay can’t help but notice a certain softness in the way Kim behaves that hasn’t been there before. While he was always kind to him and cared for him and has always smiled at him, it doesn’t feel the same. Maybe it is because Kim has finally shown vulnerability to Chay. And Chay didn’t run. Maybe that was what it took for Kim to get more comfortable around him.
“Chay! Good morning!” And then Kim smiles. It is an honest smile, a bright one, one that only the people closest to him get to see. Kim smiles in a way Chay has hardly seen before and it makes him fall in love more. “I made eggs.” He points at the pan and then scratches himself behind his ear. “Since,,, well the last time you made eggs I didn’t get to eat it so I thought now is the time that we should!” The younger boy just nods, giggles and pulls out plates from the cupboard closest to him.
They eat in comfortable silence as Chay pretends to not see the way Kim will look up, stare at him, smile and go back to eating. He has done that before but Chay has always noticed Kim stopping himself when he did that in the past, unlike now. He seems to genuinely feel happy and secure around Chay.
After cleaning up the kitchen they find themselves lying on the couch, Kim lying on his back with Chay lying half on top of him, securely held in his arms. Kim plays lightly with Chay’s hair, wrapping strands of hair around his fingers and effectively destroying any kind of hairstyle Chay would love to pretend he has.
“P’Kim?” Chay asks in the silence. “Hmh?” “Any questions, right?” Kim sighs softly, as if to prepare himself and nods. “Any questions.” He presses a soft kiss against his forehead. “Any question I will answer as best as I can, I promise. I might not have an answer for everything, but I’ll try.” He presses yet another small kiss on his forehead. “You might want to get tissues though.” He chuckles softly as Chay looks at him confused but then points at a box of tissues on a small table right next to them. “Ask away then.”
“Why did you actually agree to tutor me?” Chay asks and Kim wishes he wasn’t here. “Well,,, I feel like you need a bit of backstory here. You know who I am now, right? About my family?” Chay nods and Kim continues.
“Well P’Kinn needed a new bodyguard because Big was injured and none of our men were ready to step up. And then he met your brother, Porsche. And it was all just too perfect, you know? Porsche shows up out of nowhere, saves my brother and just so happens to have the perfect qualifications to be a bodyguard. It made me suspicious. I’m not that close to my brothers but I still care. And then I attended this event and I saw you. You immediately amazed me Chay, I was stunned. Like, genuinely blown away. And then I recognized you from the pictures Big showed me after he’d done a background check on your brother. And I thought,,, well if I can get close to the younger brother I might find out more about the older one as well. And keep my older brothers safe.” Chay in his arms looks so sad, Kim wants to order the bodyguards to beat him up for hurting Chay, for making him feel like this. He deserves it.
“But then you were so eager and you are so, so talented Chay. And all of the sudden I wanted to spend time with you, not with Porsche’s younger brother. And it was really scary because usually I am not that easily distracted.” “Really?”
“Yes. I am so sorry that it started out like that. You don’t deserve to be used and I feel absolutely terrible I ever did. But,,, I’m also glad I did it because you’re one of the best people I know and I want you in my life.”
“Then why did you push me away?” “I wanted to keep you safe. I’m not safe for you Chay, and neither is my family or what my family does. I thought that if I pushed you away, you wouldn’t get hurt.” Kim keeps on stroking his head softly. “You already were kidnapped once. And I wasn’t able to keep you safe. You were with me and still got kidnapped. And I couldn’t even save you in time before those assholes managed to hurt you. This life isn’t good for you and I wanted to keep you away from it.”
“Shouldn’t that have been my choice?” And dammit, Kim hates how right Chay is. Of course Chay should be allowed to decide about his own life for himself but,,, “I couldn’t risk it. I’m sorry, Chay.” He closes his eyes shortly before looking at the boy in his arms again. “If I kept you in my life I’d have to tell my father so that you would get a detail and he would want to meet you.” Kim had thought it all through. Of course he wanted to keep Chay by his side, he’d be stupid if he diddn’t. “And that would’ve been a problem?”
“Yes.” “
Are you that embarrassed of me?” Chay looks like he’s about to cry and Kim really, really wants to get some of the bodyguards to beat him up. Kim deserves to be beat up for hurting Chay like that. “No. Bab- Chay no. Nothing like this. I’m so lucky to have you in my life, I would never be embarrassed of you!” He holds Chay close to his chest, not letting the younger boy move away.
“Then why don’t you want me to meet him?” Kim nods, he already expected that question. “That’s really not a fun story. Are you sure you want to hear it?” “Yes.”“
Well then,,, get ready for my life story. I was born as the youngest of three brothers, P’Kinn and P’Khun. At first it was fine, well as fine as growing up in a mafia family can be. My mother was very loving while our father was very distant, he never really cared too much about us. Well, he cared about us in the way that we were to inherit the business one day, but he never cared about our well-being. Of course everyone was mostly concerned with P’Khun as he was supposed to be the heir thus he was everyone’s priority. If something were to happen to P’Khun, P’Kinn would step up. No one thought things might happen to both older brothers so I was mostly ignored. I don’t think my father ever looked at me. My mom was very caring though but even in her love her focus was always on P’Khun. So I befriended the bodyguards - well as much as a kid can befriend adults. But they were nice to me so I thought they were my friends. I was closest to someone called Mist.” For a second Kim halts in his storytelling as if to suppress the pain evident in his eyes.
“P’Mist was the head bodyguard of P’Khun’s detail but he never ignored me like a lot of others did and never favoured P’Khun over me. Then I joined school and the people there never really liked me but I think their parents told them to be nice to me because of my father. So they were. But even if they weren’t I don’t think my father would’ve cared. He probably would’ve encouraged it to be honest. He’d think it would make me stronger. When I was seven or eight my father hired P’Arm and he was a bit like P’Mist and I got really attached to him. Well, when I was eight, P’Khun got kidnapped. Everyone was in huge distress, the heir was missing after all. That was the first time my father ever showed that he cared. He tried pretty much everything to get P’Khun back but he never failed to remind P’Kinn that he might have to step up. My mom was worried sick and P’Kinn tried to help where he could- the only one who didn’t ignore my existence was P’Arm. P’Mist disappeared. It turned out P’Mist was a mole and he was the one that kidnapped P’Khun, using the fact that he was his bodyguard as an advantage. My dad yelled at me for days that I never noticed despite being closest to him. I was only eight, Chay. And I trusted him.” And that’s the moment quiet tears start to fall out of his eyes.
“After they saved P’Khun, nothing was the same anymore. P’Khun became the person we know today. He just,,, stopped maturing as he grew older. He got stuck in the mindset he had before he was kidnapped. He probably would’ve needed a therapist, looking back at it, but of course our father thought nothing of that sort. He started to deem him worthless and began to favour P’Kinn and raise him as the new heir. As for me, my father thought I should have known P’Mist is the traitor, so of course everyone went along with it and kind of shunned me.”
Now it is Chay that softly kisses Kim’s collarbone, neck and jaw, wherever he can reach. It is the only way he can think of right now in which he can comfort his boy- Kim. “Baby, stop it, you're distracting me” He giggles softly, this time not catching himself in time. As to emphasise his words he kisses his forehead. “Do you want me to continue?” Chay nods and so he does.“
In our family there is a tradition: the leader teaches their children how to shoot a gun on their tenth birthday. Before that we only get trained in hand-to-hand combat and how to handle a knife. P’Khun told us that my father woke him up in the early morning on his tenth birthday, ate with him and our mom breakfast and then our father took him to the shooting area. P’Kinn told me the exact same story. However on the morning of my tenth birthday I was woken up at the usual time by P’Arm, as usual. At first I was a bit confused but then brushed it off as my father simply being too busy to eat breakfast. So I waited. I waited the whole day for my father to get me and teach me how to shoot my first gun. He never came. Even the staff started to speculate. My birthday passed, the day after my birthday and so on. Nothing happened. A week after my birthday P’Chan, the head bodyguard of my father, took mercy on me and assigned someone to teach me how to shoot. I didn’t care about that. I didn’t want to learn how to shoot. I wanted to spend time with and be acknowledged by my father.”
Chay is about to open his mouth and say some comforting words but Kim is already gently shushing him. “Let me finish before you say anything, yeh? Unless of course you don’t want to hear anymore.” “I do want to hear more.” And Kim continues.
“A year after that my mom died. It came out of nowhere and no one was ready. One day she just passed away. P’Khun shut down completely, the last bit that grounded him got lost that day. P’Kinn was absolutely destroyed. And my father,,, if he was sad and mourning her he didn’t show it. And when P’Kinn showed it he punished him. I never saw him as bruised as he was back then. And for me,,, well I suppose I was lucky to be the youngest this time. Because my father ignored me, like he always had. I used to sneak into P’Kinn’s or P’Khun’s room all the time during this period of our lives because I kept seeing her lifeless body in front of me. I was the one who found her, you know? I wanted to get some cuddles from my mom because I had a bad dream but,,, she was dead. Just,,, not alive anymore. P’Khun couldn’t mourn. P’Kinn wasn’t allowed to mourn. And for a while I couldn’t associate her with anything but the dead body.” He chuckles softly, shaking his head at himself.
“It got better. I can now remember her as the person she was, thanks to my brothers. But it wasn’t easy. But the situation itself never got better. The older I got the more my father expected. It was relatively clear that I’d never be able to do what P’Kinn does and my father loathed me for it. He punished me more and more. I actually think he broke most of my bones at a point or another.” Once again a chuckle escapes him. Thinking back he was so pathetic, he thinks to himself.
“I left the day I turned 18. I hated my brothers for a while, because they stayed. Because they didn’t leave the person who hurt us behind. Now, of course, I realize how stupid that was. I was always the weakest out of us and they always fought battles for me, because that’s what they thought to be their duty as my older brothers. We made up, eventually but we still are not as close as we used to be.”
gid“Are you done now, P’Kim?” Chay asks and Kim just nods, silent tears rolling out of his eyes. When he promised Chay to answer every question he did not expect it to be so difficult. He knew he’d have to tell Chay things but never expected to feel that excruciating pain while doing so. Chay on the other hand just cuddles himself even closer to Kim.
“I don’t think you are weak. Not at all. And definitely not weaker than your brothers.” Chay begins. “In fact I think you are very strong for leaving and I’m so proud of you P’Kim.” Despite the tears in his eyes Kim can’t help but smile. When was the last time someone that mattered told him they were proud of him? “Thank you, angel.” This time, he doesn’t try to stop himself and Chay just smiles happily. “That’s why I don’t want you to meet my father. I don’t want you near him so that he cannot hurt you. You’re too important to me to allow that.”
“I have one more question.” Chay speaks up after a bit of silence. “Go ahead.”
“Will you be my boyfriend? For real this time?” If it wasn’t for the seriousness of the situation, Kim’s wide open eyes would almost look comical. “Are you sure? Even after everything I just told you?” “Yes. After everything you just told me. I love you P’Kim, no matter what.”
“Yes. Yes, I’ll be your boyfriend. I love you, Chay.”