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It was never that hard to fall for Juyeon, for Jaehyun it was inevitable. It wasn’t like what he expected when he was young and studying in Hanlim, doing his best to graduate and become the best trainee for his group that is only starting to form for their debut. Falling in love was not like suddenly falling into someone the moment a person lays their eyes to the one they find attractive, just like the main characters that he has read in the books, the animes, and movies that he had watched which molded what falling and being in love is in his mind.
Instead, he has found it in the form of the warm feeling that he feels whenever he hears Juyeon’s laughter especially when he was the one who causes it. The way his heart jumps a little when his hand brushes on the younger ones when they were at each other's side during group interviews on music shows, or simple things when he doesn’t need to ask Juyeon to hand him the kimchi when they dine together in their dorm because the younger man is already handing it to him knowing how he loves kimchi, always observing and providing Jaehyun’s needs. It was how he found solace on the younger man, the latter always present to listen on Jaehyun when he is down, tired, overwhelmed at everything, insecure of when he thinks that he will never be enough, when he is not sure who Hyunjae is from Jaehyun anymore, Juyeon was there, constant and so so supportive for him.
He doesn’t exactly know when it happened, maybe the first phase of falling was the moment when he first saw Juyeon entering the company building, introducing himself to them as the new trainee who will join them. How Juyeon’s eyes shone as he talked about his interests and opinions about being in their team. The way his body moves smoothly and gracefully as he dances to the song that Jaehyun thinks was made only for Juyeon to dance on. How Juyeon can be a sweet little thing to everyone around him, so caring and always willing to listen. It can be when their managers called them to talk about pairing them together because it turned out that their fans domestically and internationally liked their “chemistry” together. Maybe that was when it started, the lingering stares and touches that they share with each other that makes their fans scream, clearly stating that they like what he and Juyeon are doing, a small part of him in his head screams that he is also liking it too, but Jaehyun buries it deeply and tells to himself that it is only their job, looking at Juyeon and smiling at him like he is his own world.
The moment when Jaehyun had made sure that he had fallen, it wasn’t like a big thing happened that made him realize his feelings for Juyeon.
Jaehyun woke up one day late because the company decided to give them a break. If he remembered it correctly, it was during February 2020 when they were promoting Reveal. He went to the kitchen to grab a glass of water to drink for he was feeling parched and saw Juyeon standing at the counter, one hand mixing his coffee and the other hand holding his favorite book that Jaehyun always sees the other man reading during their free time. It was so endearing for Jaehyun to see how Juyeon looks so lost in his own world. He suddenly remembers their fans and the other members saying how slow the younger man is for the world. Jaehyun decides to make his presence known to the others by lightly tapping his finger to Juyeon’s arm but the other man beats him to it.
“Hyung! Good morning, got some good rest?”
“Yeah Juyeon-ah. How in the world are you functioning like a normal person this early?”
“It’s literally twelve noon in the morning hyung.” Juyeon replied, eyes disappearing as he laughed quietly at what Jaehyun had said. He feels a sudden burst of serotonin when he heard Juyeon’s laugh, making him more awake than he was earlier. Jaehyun can only pout and his action made the younger man’s smile be more widely. He sees Juyeon put down the book he’s holding to the counter and get another mug for him.
“Hot coffee with less sugar right, hyung?” Juyeon asks him as he was already making Jaehyun’s coffee. He hummed as an agreement for Juyeon to continue making his coffee as he sat down in the chair at their table. When Juyeon gave Jaehyun’s coffee to him, he also got his own mug and sat in front of Jaehyun, completely leaving his favorite book on the kitchen counter.
“For a twenty-three year old man, your taste of coffee never fails to make me compare how my father likes his coffee hyung.”
“Yah! I’m literally only ….. four months older than you brat!. And how dare you judge how I like my coffee made.” Jaehyun replied teasingly, hitting Juyeon’s arm that is close to him.
The loud laugh that escaped from Juyeon was enough for Jaehyun to join him also. It was then that Jaehyun realized how he could never live his life completely if Juyeon wasn’t there by his side, laughing, caring, and reminding Jaehyun how fortunate he is to live meeting Lee Juyeon this early in his life.
Although loving Juyeon was the easiest thing that Jaehyun could do, pretending that he isn’t in love was definitely the hardest part. Every single time they need to be with each other in public makes Jaehyun’s resolve crumble bit by bit. Every smile, holding hands, his doe eyes always finding Juyeon’s eyes looking at him to play his part on their pretend, is the biggest slap in the face of Jaehyun that reminds him none of those were real.
His older sister always tells Jaehyun how easy he was to assume things. When Jaehyun was only seventeen years old he didn’t talk to her for a week because he assumed that his older sister was angry at him for something that he had done but it turned out he misunderstood his older sister’s action because she was on her period and didn’t want anyone to bother her.
He falls easily to someone who will show that they care for him, especially when they do something that would stay in Jaehyun’s head, appreciating and thinking different scenarios of that someone if they are in his life and returning his affection equally or even more so. For twenty-three years old Jaehyun, Juyeon is the one who was there for him.
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"This has been The Boyz, thank you for the past 8 years Deobis, we will never forget you!" All of the members shout with their all and loud cheering from the crowd can be heard.
Jaehyun, never in his whole idol life thought that he will get to the day that it ends. But there he was, standing in front of thousands of Deobis in the Gocheok Sky Dome, the largest stadium in South Korea, where famous idols would host their concerts. Even now as it all ends, Jaehyun can't believe that their goals before starting their idol life would be reached and surpassed their original goal.
He can feel Sunwoo's hand clammy and shaking as the younger man tries to hold back his tears from falling down. He can see the other members in his peripheral view in the same situation that he is in. Eric and Younghoon hugging each other tight while bawling their eyes out. Changmin and Chanhee for once not bickering with each other as they usually do, instead comforting one another as they say their last chant to the crowd. Jacob and Kevin’s hands tightly clasped together as they too, cry for their final act together as a group. And Sangyeon, the proudest of them all, shedding tears for the ups and downs, the years that they gave for this exact moment in their lives.
"Sunwoo-yah, it's ok to cry, don't hold it back in." Hyunjae whispers in Sunwoo's ear as they bow in front of the crowd. His voice was cracking and the crowd was too blurry when they finished their bow.
He felt big, warm, and familiar hands wipe the tears that were falling on his face. It was easier to see now, and he could clearly see that Juyeon's eyes were also brimming with tears, but the curl on his lips never fading out of sight.
"I never thought I'd see you cry like this hyung." Juyeon says as he continues to gently wipe his thumb near Hyunjae's eyes as his tears continue on flowing down.
"Me too Juyeonie." He says as he smiles back to thank him and tries his best to hold back the tears in and give his brightest smiles to the crowd that once was his life and will be forever his family.
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Jaehyun should have known that this would happen eventually. He knew he should’ve expected that saying goodbye to his old routine as a member of The Boyz would be like befriending a complete stranger within a day. His body clock is still not working normally as a normal person’s body clock would do. He wakes at four a.m on Saturday thinking he would be late for a schedule forgetting that he is no longer an idol. He only remembered when he was done getting ready, already wearing his favorite gray sweatpants and black t-shirt that he wears during practice. He thinks fuck it in his mind, he’s already wide awake and can’t get to sleep any time soon since it’s almost time for the sun to rise he might as well watch it. Jaehyun goes outside his room, he didn’t bother opening the lights as he made himself a coffee, a habit that his body is accustomed to as he does it everyday. The time for the sun to rise was close, their living room filled with blue hue caused by the sky outside their patio. It seems like someone woke up earlier than Jaehyun and also decided to watch the sun as it rises. He wonders who it is.
Exactly three days passed since their last concert in the sky dome. They agreed that they’ll stay for one more week together till they can part ways. That includes packing their things and cleaning the dorm. Making it as if they didn’t spend years together living there as their “home”.
Maybe that’s why Jaehyun spends more time in the living room chatting with them when he usually stays in his room, plays games, and sleeps.
Maybe that’s why Jaehyun notices how Haknyeon and Sangyeon bought more groceries than usual.
Maybe that's why Juyeon goes to his room more often than he used to, bringing new online games they could play together in his pc and stories such as how his mother adopted an adorable black kitten ("Did you know what she named him hyung?" He can hear excitement in Juyeon's voice and Jaehyun physically stops himself from pinching Juyeon's cheeks as he sat down next to him in his bed showing the picture of the kitten in his phone to Jaehyun.
Jaehyun shakes his head, looking at Juyeon expectantly.
“His name is Juyo” Juyeon’s face brightens up, “she named him after me hyung.” Jaehyun will never forget the smile that was forged on Juyeon’s face that day.)
Jaehyun opened the door to their patio that was opened midway, immediately his eyes were filled with blue and Juyeon.
“Couldn’t sleep?” Jaehyun speaks softly, not wanting to startle the younger man. Juyeon drinks into his mug and looks at him nodding his head as an answer. Jaehyun sits beside Juyeon, continues to stir his coffee and looks at the view in front of him.
There is this special time in the morning, blue hour, as what people call it. A period of twilight each morning and evening where there is neither full daylight nor complete darkness. It causes the sky to be deep blue in color, making the buildings that surround them submerged in blue light.
For Jaehyun, it was a time of silence where thoughts are the ones who accompany him, the clinking of their spoon the only sound they can hear reminding him that Juyeon was there, and he was there, the sun was starting to come up, the blue hue in the sky slowly disappearing, eventually this will soon end with the sun reclaiming it’s throne in the sky. Neither of the two of them speaks and they continue to bask in the moment where there is only him, Juyeon, and the sun.
The moment was shortly interrupted by Sangyeon and Haknyeon joining them watching the sun together, already awake like him and Juyeon. And as the sun finally takes its place in the sky, a part of Jaehyun feels that he is ready for the new beginning in his life where he can be Hyunjae, where he will do his best to be courageous enough to face his feelings to the younger man besides him and Jaehyun, the one who is still anxious and afraid of change, rejection, and heartbreak.
Later that morning when they finished eating their breakfast together, Jaehyun was the one who offered to clean their dishes which in turn led to him standing in front of their kitchen sink. Sangyeon went out for his daily run, Haknyeon opted to continue his sleep in their room, leaving Juyeon with him in the kitchen.
“Do you need help hyung?” the younger man asks him already arranging the seats they occupied, “The only help that I need is sleep Juyeon-ah.” Jaehyun laughs, he arranges the plates where they should be.
“Still having a hard time adjusting hyung? I really thought I was the only one who woke up at an odd hour in the morning since we dis–” disbanded, Jaehyun mind supplies, already looking at the other. Clearly Juyeon was also not used in using the word to describe them. There was this silence that was exchanged instead of words. Jaehyun saying nothing means he knows, he understands. Instead he smiles, pained but they both understand, all of them understand, that they can’t continue the new life they’ll be living without this pain and so they bear it in their own ways.
“...can we uhm..” Juyeon continues instead, “What is it Juyeonie?” Jaehyun approaches the other man in his seat, “cuddle? If it’s ok, it’s also alright if you don’t want to- I know that you just want to sleep after this-'' Jaehyun gently grabs Juyeon’s hand and tugs him from his seat. “It’s always yes with you Juyeon-ah, we can cuddle and then sleep after.”
When they were lying beside each other in Jaehyun’s bed, his back in Juyeon’s warm chest, the other man’s arms wrapped around in his frame and his face hidden in the crook of Jaehyun’s neck where he can feel Juyeon’s long eyelashes flutter in his skin when he blinks his eyes, their bodies finding each other the perfect fit. Juyeon says in the silence that he plans to leave with Jacob to Toronto for one month after the week ends, he wishes that the younger man didn’t hear how his heart drops when he realizes that this (the cuddles, the constant presence of Juyeon in his side, their little pretend at least what Jaehyun always said to himself) will also end eventually and he doesn’t know how he will bear that.
The week passed quickly, Juyeon being the first one to leave their dorm after bidding his farewells to them. He left not without hugging the three of them tightly and Jaehyun takes note in his mind how Juyeon’s hug lingers on him longer than the others. Jaehyun does his best to calm himself and not show that a part of him is in pain when seeing Juyeon go. He was the next to leave, giving multiple kisses on Haknyeon’s face and a always keep in touch and don’t forget to text when you arrived at home Jaehyun-ah from Sangyeon.
It has been so long since he went home to their house. The first thing that he notices are the rows of yellow roses in front of their house. He could swear that wasn’t there on his last visit, maybe his mother wanted to make the house beautiful because he was going home permanently. That thought warms his heart and brings a soft smile to his face.
What welcomes him when he opens the door is a face full of hugs from his mother, his sister’s raucous laughter filling his ears, and a warm welcome home son from his father.
They let him rest that day, not before filling his stomach full with all of his favorite food and Jaehyun thinks he drinks half a case of soju that left him wondering how he went back to his bed in one piece.
The sun was high up when Jaehyun woke up, his head was aching and he thought that he forgot to do something important. He suddenly remembers that he needs to wake Juyeon up and that the younger man will sulk because Jaehyun forgot to wake him up. He was about to burst the door open when he realizes his surroundings, he is not at their dorm. He is in his room in their house in Incheon, he doesn’t need to wake someone out of habit because Juyeon wasn’t there with him in Songdo. Jaehyun feels something wet in his face and his vision blurring, he brings his hands up to wipe it out but the tears keep on falling, he’s hungover and in pain physically and emotionally. He never knew until now how a presence that he has learned to love the past eight years of his life could hurt like this, like hell.
( “I always switch my alarm off as soon as I wake up because of it and go back to sleep but Hyunjae-hyung goes inside my room every time to wake me up that it becomes a habit and I’m thinking of fixing that.” Juyeon says to the mic as the interviewer asks what tmi they could share to their fans. “You don’t have to- I’ll continue to wake you up.” Jaehyun answers back with a joking tone looking at the camera as Juyeon looks at him from his side, “I’ll fix it!” the younger man replies eagerly. When tomorrow comes after that interview and Jaehyun goes to Juyeon’s room to make sure he was awake just to find out that the younger man was still sleeping soundly like the days before this and Jaehyun was the one to wake him up from his slumber, no one needs to know how Juyeon eyes crinkles at the familiar sight of Jaehyun’s bare faced and curly hair and the little “Thanks for waking me up hyung.” that Jaehyun received from the younger man that made his heart make a tiny jump in its place.)
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He’s at a cafe Chanhee picked when he calls him because, “I just feel that you’re beating yourself up again Hyunjae. Why can’t you just confess to Juyeon that you love him!” Jaehyun was about to comment on how the pink haired man never calls him hyung but opted to stay quiet as Chanhee continues to ramble, “You’re better than this Lee Jaehyun, if I have to beat your ass up to make you realize that then I’ll do it.”
That’s why he has his ass sat across Chanhee who is drinking his iced americano, and Sunwoo at his side also drinking his caramel macchiato. Jaehyun choses to look at his strawberry milkshake rather than to look at Chanhee who is throwing daggers at him.
“I thought you’re busy promoting Nabi, Sunwoo-yah.” Jaehyun opens up a topic to ignore Chanhee’s stare.
“I’m not that busy enough to set aside this wonderful talk you’re going to have with Chanhee hyung about Juyeon hyung, hyungie. Besides, I deserve a one day break being a soloist right?” Sunwoo smirks, bringing back the attention to Jaehyun. Sunwoo truly lives up the phrase It’s never too late to be nosy! Jaehyun finally drags his eyes to the pink haired man.
“What are you so afraid of Hyunjae hyung, it’s just Juyeon! You know he can never say no to you.” What is he so afraid of? He’s afraid of ruining the eight years of friendship Juyeon and him built up together because of his feelings. Ever since he learned about this, Jaehyun’s been trying his best to let it pass, he’s scared that if he let it slip out one bit his world will go gravitate down the ground just because he was always the easy one to fall and assume things. He’s afraid that once Juyeon knew he would hate him for it because Jaehyun took his love for him as his co-member, his friend, and his hyung for granted. And so he says that, bracing himself up because it seems his eyes are never too tired for crying and they are at a public place! Chanhee leaves his seat and hugs Jaehyun as he sobs at the younger man’s belly, wrapping his arms around the other’s waist to bury his face deeper, not caring about wetting Chanhee’s outfit. He doesn’t hear clearly what Chanhee mumbled at the top of his head except the words you, Juyeon, and idiots. But if he focused enough he would’ve heard “Why is it you and Juyeon are the only ones who don't notice? Idiots.”
It took a while for Jaehyun to calm down after that , Sunwoo was making a joke to lighten up the mood, and the younger man never fails to not make him laugh. Jaehyun finds himself looking for certain crescent eyes and he finds none. When you laugh, you look at the person you like the most. Jaehyun begs to differ to that statement, but who the fuck is he lying to? Himself? Definitely.
He wakes the day after that with his manager hyung calling him that Allure Korea wanted him to be the cover of their magazine September issue. He agreed to it immediately.
—-----------------
When they were done filming his shoots Jaehyun couldn't help but remember the last time he went with Juyeon to do their photoshoot together. Their nails are painted with vibrant nail stickers. He vividly remembers Juyeon's hand covering half of his face, the other man's fingers touching his lips more than necessary, and the laughs that they let out when Juyeon's forefinger accidentally touched his nose.
"How will you describe yourself as Jaehyun after living as "Hyunjae" when you were still a member of The Boyz?" The interviewee asked. The theme for Allure Korea's September magazine issue is about being your true self and they picked Jaehyun as the perfect man for the job.
"I think of the idol persona of me and Jaehyun as one person. I am still the person I am as Hyunjae except I am not an idol now but being Jaehyun gives me more freedom to show my true self to the world. I have learned to be more honest with myself, and am still learning how to manage the feelings inside of me that I had set aside when I was still Hyunjae." He answers to the person who's interviewing him with confidence that he never thought he could master. The answer that Jaehyun let out made him think about what Chanhee had asked him more than later when they were at the cafe. When will you take the risk to confess to Juyeon? And Jaehyun has an answer to that now, he just needs to wait till Juyeon arrives from Canada, which means he has not more than a week to say his answer to that question.
("How will you guys describe each other?" This question was given to them and Juyeon was the first one to answer and didn't even stutter when he said, "Hyung is pretty in a soft way. His features are like that, and his hands and legs are especially pretty. We look very different but I think we fit well when we're together as well." Jaehyun was speechless when he heard Juyeon's answer. He could feel the blush from spreading on his face up to his ears and he wishes that he can use his makeup as an excuse to hide his reddening face. Due to his mind malfunctioning he says the first thing that comes to his mind that reminds him of Juyeon. "Juyeon looks like a cat." He hears Juyeon laughs a little at his side and he feels his face getting warmer because of embarrassing himself in front of the interviewee and Juyeon himself. Not seeing the way Juyeon looks lovingly at him while he reasons out why Juyeon looks like a cat.)
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Jaehyun was planning to call Juyeon the moment he knew that the younger man arrived at the airport but he knew that the younger man was tired so he didn't call. He decides to let the other man rest and call him tomorrow.
Tomorrow arrived and Jaehyun still didn't call, it was already evening when he finally mustered the courage to call Juyeon when the phone in his hands rang and he saw the name of the caller as Juyeonie. He immediately swiped his phone to answer it.
"Jaehyun hyung! I missed you, I'm sorry I called just now but there are many people at the airport and It's too loud I might not be able to hear you." Juyeon speaks hurriedly, Jaehyun can hear him inhale as he runs out of breath. The first time they have spoken in a month and the first thing that Juyeon says to him is that he missed him, Jaehyun tries his best to not melt on the spot.
"It's ok Juyeon-ah, I'm glad you arrived safely that's all that matters, anyway where are you now? Did you run??" He waits for Juyeon to answer while he gets up from his bed to sit on the chair near to his window.
"Actually, uhm I- I'm kinda in front of your house right now??" Juyeon's answer made Jaehyun hurriedly stand up from his seat, he ends the call in his phone, stares at the wall while the words sink in in his mind. Juyeon is here in Incheon. Juyeon is at his front door. Jaehyun would just have to run downstairs and open the door to see if Juyeon's really here. His heart was thundering in his chest, he doesn't mind if he looks like a mess right now wearing his pajamas, Jaehyun runs.
The sight when he opened the door was more than enough to wake him up. Juyeon was there in flesh still holding his phone in his ear with a worried look because Jaehyun ended the call when he said he was there in front of Jaehyun's house.
"Hyung, I–" Whatever Juyeon was saying was cut off when Jaehyun threw his arms around Juyeon to hug him tightly.
"I can't believe you're here, what the fuck are you doing here Juyeonie, you were supposed to rest!" Jaehyun can feel the other man shake as he laughs from what Jaehyun had said and returns the hug that he was giving to him.
"-I just missed you so much I thought I was going to get crazy." Jaehyun let go of his hug from Juyeon to look at his eyes but still kept his arms around the younger man's waist.
"I don't know how to tell you how hard it is for me not to contact you for a month. It's like a big part of me died when I left you that day at the dorm hyung. Even Jacob said that I looked pathetic everyday when we were in Canada. I couldn't stop thinking about you, if you ate, if you woken up already, if you were finally happy now that you're not an idol anymore, if– if you even spent one second on thinking about me, if you also missed me around you, and if you— if you feel the same way as I do." Juyeon was out of breath but Jaehyun thinks that he was the one whose breath was taken the whole time he was listening to Juyeon pour his heart out to him. Jaehyun blinks his eyes and at this point his tears easily follows but it wasn't because of pain– it was relief, and Jaehyun can only feel love love love, because Juyeon was looking at him, at Jaehyun, like he was the one who hang up the stars who were witnesses of the younger man's confession to him, and he wants to speak but he can't because he's already melting and Juyeon holds him tighter because he knows.
Instead of words, Jaehyun raises both of his hands to hold Juyeon's face, tears also falling in his face, if anyone sees them outside of the house at night crying like the idiots they are, Jaehyun didn't care because he wasn't alone and more of the reason because he is with Juyeon, and they love each other.
Jaehyun closes the small gap between him and Juyeon. He feels the other man's breath hitch when their lips finally touch each other. His arms found their way home around Juyeon's neck, if they were that close before, now the part of them that wasn't touching each other joined as one as the world around them disappears and all he can think about is juyeon, juyeon, juyeon. The way the other man finds the best angle to kiss him naturally, it should've felt unfamiliar to Jaehyun, but kissing Juyeon feels like breathing, his lifeline, Juyeon’s a missing puzzle piece that completes Jaehyun’s.
When their lips parted and tears were still streaming down their face, Jaehyun took the chance to say "All those years, I wanted to tell you how much you meant to me and say these words, I almost did, but I was afraid you don't love me that way. I love you Juyeonie, I love you so so much." And when Juyeon kisses him a hundred more times that night and days, weeks, months, and years to follow to replace the kisses that they could've shared with each other all those years of fear, Jaehyun couldn't ask for more.
(When two more years had passed and Juyeon knelt down in front of Jaehyun and asked him to marry him, the universe was the one to witness when Jaehyun answered lovingly the word, "I do.")