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"Hello, hyung?" Felix greets as soon as he picks up the phone. He was baffled to see his Minho-hyung calling him since it's not... very necessary anymore.
"Lixie, god thank you so much for answering. Now I'm just going straight to the point, alright? I need your help with something..." His hyung then explained to him where he was and what happened and what thing he needs Felix's help for which made him stop and stretch an awkward silence between them.
"Hyung..." He drags hesitantly.
He wanted to help, but this won't be a really good idea. He doesn't think he can meet that person right now. He's still bleeding and he still hasn't healed. Now doing that would just be adding poison to his wounds.
"Please, Felix. I know this sounds stupidly insensitive, especially with what just happened, but I'm desperate. I really can't drag four grown-up men home at once." Minho huffed exhausted while he hears drunken laughter, slurred words and clinking bottles on the other end of the call, along with Minho cursing under his breath.
Felix knew how hard it could be to fend for their friends when they got a little too drunk. They have a hobby of talking too much, laughing at nothing specific too much, eating too much, and just being overall messy and loud. He doesn't know what's the occasion and what's the reason behind them going out for a drink instead of gathering to each other's place like they usually do. But what he do know is that he can't leave Minho to manage those drunkards alone especially when his place is in the opposite direction than the rest of them who lives around the same town.
"It's alright, hyung. I'm coming." He says, heart clenching in thoughts of seeing Hyunjin again after such a long time. Six months is too long. Every second without him is torturously too long.
"Thank you so much, Felix. I'll send you the address. I'll see you soon, alright? Drive safely." His hyung says, audibly delighted in Felix's decision to help.
They said bye shortly before Felix made a beeline for his keys, putting his shoes on and leaving his apartment with searing pain in the pit of his stomach.
He immediately found his friends once he made it at the said restaurant. They were doing their own things, Changbin eating like it's his last meal on a death sentence, Chan who's still drinking –messily pouring soju on his shot glass, Jisung who was clinging to Minho for dear life and Hyunjin who's always been a good drinker, never letting himself drink too much from his capacity since he's a good, and responsible man. And even if there were a few occasions that he does drink a bit too much –like now– he's never the one to cause anyone trouble and just sleeps it off. Though the downside of that is, he won't wake up until the next day or at least until he's been sobered up. It's both endearing and a pain in the ass sometimes.
"Oh, Felix!" Minho greeted, as soon as he met eyes with him.
He waved a little shyly since it's been months since they last saw each other. "Did I make you wait long?"
"No, it's fine. Now can you help me stuff these things in my car?" His hyung asks, referring to the three (3racha) who were so out of it to even greet Felix.
"Sure, hyung." He nods. "Let's get Sungie and Channie-hyung to your car first, then we come back for Binnie-hyung and... and Hyunjinnie after." He says, avoiding Minho's eyes that had become soft with pity through the obvious hurt in his voice, which he only shrugged vainly with a stupidly awkward laughter and a– "please, don't look at me like that, hyung. It's okay." before pulling over Chan –who first still refuses to let his bottle of soju go but eventually giving out and letting Felix help him to Minho's parked car on the side of the road, his Minho-hyung following behind him with a sleeping Jisung in his arms.
Then they came back after the two had been carefully settled, going for Changbin and Hyunjin next.
"Are you sure you're okay sending Hyunjin home?" Asked his Minho-hyung once again, scanning his features that was clearly overwhelmed with different emotions.
He swallowed the thick lump that was starting to form on his throat and rehydrated his already drying lips by licking on it.
He tried to give his hyung a reassuring smile to let him know he's really okay with it. "Yes, hyung. It's alright, and besides you already have your hands full."
His hyung huffed out a groan, rolling his eyes in annoyance. "You don't say." He says, beginning to sling Changbin's arms around his shoulders to help him stand up. "Then we'll go ahead first, alright? Thank you so much for this, Lixie. Let's hangout again next time."
Felix only nods in response, waving as he watched his hyungs' retreating figures while he sits back down beside the still sleeping prince charming.
He let out a heavy breath he didn't know he'd been holding, shaking Hyunjin in a vain attempt to wake the other up before he starts spiraling down on his thoughts.
"Hyunjinnie, wake up." He tried shaking Hyunjin once again, this time with more force than before, successfully making Hyunjin open his eyes as he groggily blinked.
Hyunjin just stared at him like that for what seems like forever and every tick of second that those honey eyes were on him, Felix felt his heart race a little bit more faster. He's afraid the loud thumping of it can be heard by everyone around them.
"You.." Hyunjin hiccuped. "You look like my Felix." His words were slurred and hard to understand through his low grumble but somehow, Felix caught on to it as clear as the day, and it does nothing to calm his wavering heart at all. If anything, it only adds to the shattering sound it makes as it breaks further into pieces.
"Let's get you home." He says, gnawing on his bottom lip until the metallic taste of blood started to burst in his tongue.
"Look, I appreciate it, but I don't want to cause my baby any misunderstanding.. he's very sensitive. He hurts easily and he cries easily." Hyunjin drags out the last words before falling back on the table with his eyes stirred shut once again.
Felix felt his eyes start to swell with tears at what's just been said. He wanted to scream, he wanted to shout at Hyunjin in the mixture of confusion and longing he had been feeling inside. He wants to shake him until he sobered up and go home himself because he can't do this. Not when he hears those kinds of words. He won't be able to take it and he knows, he'll just end up a weeping mess again, all his hard work of somehow stabling himself will be down the drain just like that and he'll need to go through another sequence of torturous nights where he needs to force feed his brain the simple information that Hyunjin will never show up in front of his door in his night attire holding a box of fresh milk and a box of vegan cookies he loves so much, ever again.
"Hi, is everything okay here?"
He was cut out of his trance when he heard a voice coming from the side. He didn't even realize another presence was already with them if the waiter still hadn't made his presence known.
"No, we're good. Thank you." He smiled.
"Are you sure? Is there any way I can help?" The other insists.
"Uhm, actually... could you please help me carry this man to my car?"
"Sure, sir."
Then they half-dragged Hyunjin's tall frame to his car, thanking the kind waiter after they've settled Hyunjin inside then drove to his house where he once again half-dragged Hyunjin's ass to his flat with great difficulty, fishing out the keycard from the others pocket then flopping him down on the bed.
He huffed, allowing himself to breath before he went to the older's closets, his nose being invaded by Hyunjin's familiar scents, making him close his eyes as he let himself bask in the comfort it gave him shortly, rousing back to his original objective of getting the other change of clothes.
He came back to the bed, sitting down beside Hyunjin and started removing Hyunjin's shoes, tucking it just under the bed. He proceeded in removing the others shirt and unbuckling his belt to peel him off of his pants as well, getting a wet towel after to clean the other. Running the cloth from his face down to his slender neck, toned body, delicate hands, boney fingers until the tip of his toes.
After putting Hyunjin in fresh clothes, Felix paused, cracking his neck as he felt tired from all the work.
He let out a small laughter as he thought about how familiar this was all to him. How the next step was supposed to be him crawling over to Hyunjin's side and entangling their limbs in a messy embrace as they slept, but he needs to stop himself there now. He doesn't have the right to do that anymore.
He sighed, scooting a little closer to Hyunjin's sleeping figure. He looks peaceful. He still hasn't changed. Still looks effortlessly handsome, and he couldn't help the bitterness that was slowly simmering under his skin, looking at Hyunjin's perfectly fine demeanor.
How come he looks okay after their break-up? He understand that it's been months over, but still, why does Hyunjin look okay? Not that he wanted him to suffer or anything, but seeing him this fine while Felix looks like he just came out of hell even after all this time just doesn't sit right with him.
Was he not that important to Hyunjin? How about their 5 years of relationship, was it just nothing? How come he already looked so fucking fine while Felix was still struggling with his daily life, feeling like he's missing a part of him?
What... What if... No.
He shook his thoughts off. No. Hyunjin isn't like that. Hyunjin loves him so much... or at least he did. He used to. It just gotta end somehow and maybe Hyunjin just decided to not dwell on their break-up, because he's always been like that. Calm, rational and composed. He's always had a strong mentality and he knows how to handle his emotions well –unlike Felix who needs to drown in them first before he can pull himself back up from the pit he'd just fallen into.
Hyunjin's okay now simply because he's Hyunjin and not because Felix wasn't important to him.
Yeah, he'll just have it at that for his peace of mind.
See? This is why they shouldn't see each other anymore; his brain just goes into mush and his thoughts get all jumbled up. It's a mess... He's a mess.
A bittersweet smile curved its way on his face as he carded Hyunjin's hair away from his face. "I'm glad to know you're okay. But please don't drink too much the next time because... I don't want to come for you anymore." He paused, blinking the tears that were starting to pool in the corners of his eyes away. "I don't want to run in your direction anymore, Hyunjin. It hurts too much."
He wants Hyunjin back. He really does. But Hyunjin doesn't feel the same. The taller made it clear to him since that aching night that he still remembers so vividly like it just happened yesterday –the night they broke up. The taller never gave him a proper reason he just told Felix that it wasn't working out anymore between them and that he wanted to focus on his goals.
It sounded so much like a bullshit and Felix just cannot accept it like that, so he tried to force Hyunjin to tell him the real reason, he even asked if there's a third party out of sheer frustration and due to his anxiety flaring up but Hyunjin denied it, yet Felix kept on pushing as his rationality has already gone away, and his thoughts going haywire until the calm talking escalated into harsh shouting that never happened before. Hyunjin didn't change his mind even when Felix tried to beg him to try and fix everything, promising he would change; that he would do better.
But still, Hyunjin didn't hear him out and Felix doesn't have a choice but to go...
And he hates that it's been almost half a year and he still hadn't made a progress in moving on –a tiny step forward, then he moves ten steps back.
He barely managed to not bawl his eyes out at night, and now he had to face Hyunjin again after all the effort of sealing away in a box all the things that reminds Felix of him and storing it in the far side of the closet, never to see the light again.
Yet here he is once more. Faced with the very same person his heart has been aching to touch and his eyes has been crying out to see.
Hyunjin's already in front of him, his hand making contact with the other's pearly white skin, but somehow, the taller still feels unreachable like they were miles apart and not just inches away.
He rested his palms on Hyunjin's face, caressing his thumb to the other's soft cheeks in a circular motion as he leaned forward to let their foreheads and noses touch gently, screwing his eyes shut tightly. "I hope to never see you again." He whispered, letting the clenching pain in his chest spill from his mouth and form their own words. "Bye, Hyun."
He bids, standing up on his feet –ready to leave everything that was Hyunjin once again with a promise of no looking back and never coming back.
Though before he could even take a step, he felt a hand caught his thin wrist, startling a loud yelp from him before his body fell into the mushy mattress of the bed.
"Hyunjin.." He trailed off weakly as his lips quivered when the said lad enveloped him in a tight embrace, spooning him over from the back.
"You're here again. You're in my dreams again. And you're... you're leaving me again." He heard him whisper through the back of Felix's head, "Why do you always leave me? Don't leave me anymore, baby. I miss you so much. I feel like my heart's going to stop beating anytime soon." His voice a little clearer but still drunk as it still sounds like a garble but every syllable of his sentence reeks and dripping with unmasked pain and loneliness that Felix have never heard of before and it's making him tear up once again as he felt every fiber in his body shout for Hyunjin's name.
"Why would you say that?" He sniffled, failing to hold back the tears any longer.
"Because I love you so much and my world had stopped and everything just turned into nothingness when you left."
"Then why did you break up with me? Why did you push me away, Hyunnie?"
"Because Felix, I've failed you."The taller started shakily. "I promised you a good life, baby. I've sworn to you when we were only seventeen that I'll give you a good life, my love and my time, but all I did is make your life miserable. I've been too busy for you, Felix." He heard Hyunjin's soft sniffles behind him as the taller's arms around him became tighter. "I barely go home, either too busy meeting people from the same professions or buried in the studio, cramming to finish photoshooting models I don't even remember the name of."
Hyunjin paused. "I didn't know that in my chase to give you a good life, I'm already leaving you behind. Before I knew it, I'm already making you feel lonely. I can hear you crying at night when I am finally able to come home and you thought I was already asleep or when you thought I wasn't near, and it pains me a hundred times more to see you like that, Lixie. I hate to see you struggling and I hate it even more that I was the one who causes you that. I couldn't watch you destroy yourself any further just because of me. You don't deserve to be treated like that. I needed to let you go."
Felix's heart hurt even more when he finally heard the real reason for their break-up.
It's true. He often had breakdowns the last few months before they broke up. The loneliness that was eating him up was inevitable as the days drag on that Hyunjin just kept on getting busier and busier with gigs and meetings here and there, parties and casual hangouts that he couldn't decline because of his line of work.
He understands. Really, he did.
He tried not to think too much of it and busy himself with other things to divert his attention from things. He tried to stay strong and stay calm, but sometimes it just takes a toll on him and he just breakdowns and cried when he's alone and he misses Hyunjin and couldn't see a trace of him in their own house. He felt like Hyunjin was gone with the wind.
He always has his melt downs alone, or at least that's what he wanted to happen. But what he didn't know was that Hyunjin saw him all the while he had his breakdowns. He thought he was always sneaky, but he guesses Hyunjin's sneakier.
Felix finally let out a hurtful sob that has been bubbling in his throat since he started crying and it was a mixture of both pain and relief –all from Hyunjin's drunken confessions.
"But–"
"But why am I telling you this? You're just a dream. You'll disappear again when I wake up –you'll leave me again in the morning." Hyunjin says sadly, planting a soft kiss on Felix's exposed skin down to his neck like he always does before they sleep.
"Though it's still a nice dream. It's the longest you've stayed in my arms, so let me just say it like I always do, love. I'm really sorry for hurting you like that, it was all my fault. I took your love for granted." He whispered with a voice that was full of regret that Felix could feel it stirring in his flesh. "But baby, I love you. I never stopped loving you even when I was too busy, I just want to give you a comfortable life, hun. It was you who I see behind the camera lenses whenever I go to a shoot. It was all for you... It was all you. I love you so fucking much that I just wanna stay in this dream if it means I can hold you again in my arms like this."
"Hyunnie..."
"I know you won't like that. I know. Don't worry, I'll wake up again tomorrow. I'll live a life without you again tomorrow, but please... please stay with me for tonight, angel. Just once. I just miss you so much."
Felix didn't say anything more in reply to that. He just cried silently in Hyunjin's embrace as he took in what just happened and how uncharacteristically vulnerable and raw Hyunjin was being.
•••
Hyunjin woke up the next day with the other side of the bed being cold and empty once again. As expected –no Felix, and all he could do was let out a heavy breathe. It's an old repeated concept that he has already grown accustomed to over time, hence not really being disappointed anymore, and only a slight feeling of suffocation is all there is for him to feel –something he hasn't been very successful in shoving away, no matter how hard he tried.
He groaned, dragging himself up from the comfort of his bed to go to the bathroom and shower.
He noticed he was wearing different clothes that the last night. He shrugged, reminding himself to thank Minho for taking care of all of them last night, even going out of his way to send him home properly and change his clothes.
20 minutes in the shower and he's about to finish when someone he couldn't see through the curtains, walked in. But it's so familiar and he's still so out of it, that his brain failed to recognize and realize what's happening. His head pounding and throbbing mercilessly that he just wished to die that instant.
"Hyunnie, I'll leave your clothes here."
"Okay, baby. Thank you. I'll be out in a minute." He mindlessly retorted, eyes closed as he let the water run down on his body for a bit longer.
When he heard the soft clicking of the door being shut, only then did he come back to his senses. His eyes going wide in realization.
Panic immediately rushed through his veins, his heart thundering erratically on his chest as he made haste to wrap a towel around his bottom half to chase after Felix –afraid he'd disappear once again.
Water was still dripping from his long black hair, almost making him slip on the tiled floor but he doesn't mind –taking as huge steps as possible to get to the kitchen, where he could hear the clinking of utensils and ceramic dishes.
His breathing stopped when he saw Felix's small frame in front of the stove; his back was facing him. The younger had become a bit slimmer but it's him. It's his Felix.
"You're really here." He muttered, his face subconsciously hardened as he was full of mixed emotions right that moment.
Felix turned around and gave him a shy smile. "I'm sorry, I'll leave after you eat."
Hyunjin just stood there dumbly, staring at Felix with an unreadable expression, and perhaps that irked Felix, the younger suddenly bursting out of frustration.
"What the fuck, Hyunjin? Aren't you gonna ask me to stay?"
"Wh-what?" He let out foolishly, baffled by Felix's sudden outburst.
"Aren't you supposed to stop me from leaving? What about your confession last night, was it just for naught?"
Hyunjin tried to say something, anything, but there were no words coming out of his mouth as it opened and closed on repeat, making him look like a fool even more.
Felix let out a bitter laugh, shoulders sagging and eyes stirring a disappointed glint. "Alright, how could I believe a drunk man's words? I'm so stupid." The younger started to untie the ribbon on his back before pulling off the aprons. "I really thought you still love me, you know?" He dryly chuckled once more, and Hyunjin's heart hurts, clenching painfully inside him.
When Felix took his first step towards the door, Hyunjin almost jumped to get Felix in him, his arms tightening around the younger's lithe waist, and the other across his chest. "No. Don't leave me again, Felix. Please. I could lose fucking everything but not you... God, not you. I can't. Not again." He stated, voice shaky from fear of really losing Felix. "I'd do better, Lix, I know I can do better."
Felix didn't say anything in response to that, staying quiet for a bead of minute that passed by them. Only the younger's sobbing and their heavy breathing could be heard between them. "Okay." Felix sniffled, his voice a little hoarse. "I won't leave again but you need to promise me one thing, Hyunjin."
Hyunjin nuzzled his nose on Felix's neck in a desperate attempt to fill his lungs with Felix's familiar scent. A scent that smells like home. "Anything for you, baby. I'll do anything."
"Good, then don't do that again. Don't try to push me away ever, because I don't know if I can go through that for the second time... It's too much."
"I've felt the same, Felix, I promise you I will never do that again. I swear on a hundred stars."
"It's morning, you dork." Felix says playfully, chuckling a little.
And as if a gear had just turned in Hyunjin's mind, the other started blabbering stuff, refusing to get his statement invalidated. "The stars don't disappear, hun. Not because you don't see them, they're not there. The sky was just illuminated by–"
"Okay, nerd, enough." The shorter groaned, rolling his eyes.
Hyunjin chuckled, pulling away to rest his forehead against Felix's in an intimate touch both of them enjoyed sharing.
Felix hummed, contented. He feels like everything has fallen back into their rightful places once again.
Him in Hyunjin's arms and Hyunjin in his life.
"And Hyunnie?" He says after a while of comfortable silence. The two of them just basking in each other's warmth that they'd long for in a long time.
"Yes, baby?"
"I love you more."
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